Why now old friend?

[Anonymous]

This is why Carl Jung called secrets “psychic poison”. They always come out. One way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find the rush to cut this friend off really weird but not so atypical of the weird DCUM crowd who aren’t able to navigate conflict.

First, it was before you were married. Second, it’s possible it’s been weighing on her for years and she wanted to find a time to unburden herself when it felt safe (you’re long married, no chance of an affair with her). Maybe it was dumb or thoughtless of her, but I wouldn’t assume evil intent.

If it’s really truly bothering you, ask her. If you aren’t brave enough to ask her, I don’t think it makes sense to cut her off for this. But that’s me.

It's a very selfish move. The friend wanted to unburden herself? Give me a break. If that's true, she was being selfish by telling OP. Can you spin this in a way where the friend had good intent? Some of us don't bother investing in relationships that merely lack evil intent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHY IS NO ONE FOCUSING ON THE DH??

I did!

I think OP's angst is misplaced.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the shingles guy. Maybe she was having a glass or five of wine while on the phone with OP and just drunkenly blurted it out and regretted it the next day. Possibly she was under the influence of something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHY IS NO ONE FOCUSING ON THE DH??

I did!

I think OP's angst is misplaced.

He didn’t cheat on her. Also, op is not asking why no one told her. She is asking why the friend felt the need to tell her now (when is not even important)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women are really the worst to each other. Sorry, OP.

Unmerited misogyny.

Most PEOPLE would never do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds sketchy. How has it not come up that he was f***ing your best friend right before you got together? Gross.

They aren’t BF by any sketch, and it was before they stared dating.

If they had no stated expectations about discussing past dalliances, I think the husband is off the hook.

But I agree the friend’s behind odd.

[Anonymous]

Because she's miserable and her life is most likely falling apart and she wants someone else to crash and burn with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the rush to cut this friend off really weird but not so atypical of the weird DCUM crowd who aren’t able to navigate conflict.

First, it was before you were married. Second, it’s possible it’s been weighing on her for years and she wanted to find a time to unburden herself when it felt safe (you’re long married, no chance of an affair with her). Maybe it was dumb or thoughtless of her, but I wouldn’t assume evil intent.

If it’s really truly bothering you, ask her. If you aren’t brave enough to ask her, I don’t think it makes sense to cut her off for this. But that’s me.

It's a very selfish move. The friend wanted to unburden herself? Give me a break. If that's true, she was being selfish by telling OP. Can you spin this in a way where the friend had good intent? Some of us don't bother investing in relationships that merely lack evil intent.

Uh maybe she didn’t think it was a big deal because it was 30 YEARS ago, she was with him first AND one might assume dh would have mentioned it to his wife in 30 years. It is so nuts that everyone is mad at this friend. It’s not her obligation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHY IS NO ONE FOCUSING ON THE DH??

I did!

I think OP's angst is misplaced.

+1 I can only assume it’s dudes posting on here, trying to gloss over poor male behavior.

If it’s some women I don’t know, sure. Dh doesn’t need to mention a fling before we met. But if the fling is with someone I’ve been friends with for 30+years, yeah, I’d assume my dh would mention it, if only to ensure he could be the one to tell me and not have it come up randomly like it did where OP would be caught off guard and humiliated.

[Anonymous]

like a pp said, early signs of dementia?
she lost her filter and forgot she meant to keep this a secret? I've seen 70+ year olds do this. How old is she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Last night I was in the phone with an old friend. We haven’t lived near each other in 30 years but we do get together every five years or so. I was talking about my husband and she casually mentioned that she had had a two week fling with him just before he and I started dating. Before I could say anything she provided some graphic detail about it. I said “really, I never heard about it.” Then she said well that’s your problem, not mine. Why would she bring this up 30 years later?When I asked my husband about it he said yes but talking about ex GFs wasn’t his thing and that I never talked about mine which is true. I can’t imagine telling an old friend that I had banged her husband many years ago. Why would someone do that?

She is a pig. She's not your friend since she obviously doesn't like you or care about your feelings. Dump her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, take a deep breath and put on your thinking cap.

I get your anger and your desire to end the friendship, but you have more investigating to do.

You need to call your friend back and be very sweet, patient, and charming as you explore with her why she told you what she did. You need to make her feel safe in case there is something she knows that you should know as well.

She might have been trying to warn you that your husband keeps secrets from you that you really should know.

Something made her think of this fling and decided to tell you at this point. She might be a hater, or she might be someone who doesn't know how to tell you some very bad news and is dropping awkward hints instead.

Unless you prefer walking around as a fool and want to risk looking back years from now and wishing you had caught the hints, I would do more sleuthing here.

You can always drop her as a friend later, but if you burn the bridge now, you can't always go back and get the information that you should've had. Finish your homework first and then decide on the friendship.

True

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, take a deep breath and put on your thinking cap.

I get your anger and your desire to end the friendship, but you have more investigating to do.

You need to call your friend back and be very sweet, patient, and charming as you explore with her why she told you what she did. You need to make her feel safe in case there is something she knows that you should know as well.

She might have been trying to warn you that your husband keeps secrets from you that you really should know.

Something made her think of this fling and decided to tell you at this point. She might be a hater, or she might be someone who doesn't know how to tell you some very bad news and is dropping awkward hints instead.

Unless you prefer walking around as a fool and want to risk looking back years from now and wishing you had caught the hints, I would do more sleuthing here.

You can always drop her as a friend later, but if you burn the bridge now, you can't always go back and get the information that you should've had. Finish your homework first and then decide on the friendship.

True

True? If that were true she wouldn't have said, "That's your problem not mine." That is a terrible thing to day to anyone, much less someone you pretend to be a friend to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a case of very painful shingles that I eventually had to seek medical help for.
I don't recall the name of the drug, but it took away my inhibitions to say really just everything. i.e. I was stopped by over a half dzn LEO with one being an attractive female. I ignored the other cops and flirted with her relentlessly. So much so that the other male cops I think were in shock and said nothing. As well as her not rebuking me. In hindsight, very embarrassing being a married man. I'm dumbfounded they didn't suspect me of being on drugs. That's just one example of several others. Patients should be warned to stay out of public during treatment and off of long distance phone calls to friends.

I hope one day somebody writes this into a movie