What do I do: elementary school just ask us for 100k

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re been asked for $100k ($20k for 5 years, more specifically) 3 times. Unlucky to be at 2 schools and 1 church during capital campaigns. Your income may put you in that category or they made a mistake based on something else.
Whatever it is, it’s not a big deal. Commit a smaller amount and move on.

Op, yes, they said they would “offer the option” of paying over 5 years if we couldn’t cough it up today.

Whatever their alleged wealth detectives discovered - and again, we have no hidden wealth or family help— it is insane to ask for 20 percent of a family’s salary so they can have fancier buildings! (My friend who works in development at a neighboring small private said things are often based on house value — our house cost 820k when we bought it right before Covid but the value has gone up, as have everybody’s.) she said in her school they do not bother asking the regular full pay parents for specific sums and focus on the known super wealthy.

Im trying to fathom why I feel so hurt and angry when you guys are right and we can just say no. I guess I wanted to feel appreciated for scraping together full tuition for 5 kids, not to mention putting my younger kids in the school’s pipeline amidst crashing birth rates, but clearly those efforts mean nothing. I’ve heard that many more applicants for k this year are only children and i wonder if that’s actually an advantage because families can funnel all those resources fully to the school and they don’t even have to bother educating anybody!

But it’s less than 5% of your non-retirement account investments. Spread it over 5 years and it’s less than 1% a year. Many people with far less than you give higher percents to philanthropy of their choice (which may or may not be their kids’ school).

They did their wealth scan. They aren’t wrong that you could afford it if that was your priority. It clearly never crossed your mind to give such a large gift so it was startling and upsetting to be asked, and that’s ok. You can be mad that they didn’t acknowledge how much you already spend at the school. You can say no. They hear no all the time and it won’t affect your kids or their education.

I do think for your own peace of mind you should work through all the angst and upset this has caused, which seems out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

Here is how the meeting should have gone.

Development: we want you do donate $100k
Parent: how on earth did you come up with that specific amount
Development: we calculate it based on data about you
Parent: specifically what data went into that calculation
Development: data we purchase from data scraping services to estimate your wealth
Parent: that is definitely creepy. I did not consent to that. It is an invasion of my privacy. This meeting is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re been asked for $100k ($20k for 5 years, more specifically) 3 times. Unlucky to be at 2 schools and 1 church during capital campaigns. Your income may put you in that category or they made a mistake based on something else.
Whatever it is, it’s not a big deal. Commit a smaller amount and move on.

Op, yes, they said they would “offer the option” of paying over 5 years if we couldn’t cough it up today.

Whatever their alleged wealth detectives discovered - and again, we have no hidden wealth or family help— it is insane to ask for 20 percent of a family’s salary so they can have fancier buildings! (My friend who works in development at a neighboring small private said things are often based on house value — our house cost 820k when we bought it right before Covid but the value has gone up, as have everybody’s.) she said in her school they do not bother asking the regular full pay parents for specific sums and focus on the known super wealthy.

Im trying to fathom why I feel so hurt and angry when you guys are right and we can just say no. I guess I wanted to feel appreciated for scraping together full tuition for 5 kids, not to mention putting my younger kids in the school’s pipeline amidst crashing birth rates, but clearly those efforts mean nothing. I’ve heard that many more applicants for k this year are only children and i wonder if that’s actually an advantage because families can funnel all those resources fully to the school and they don’t even have to bother educating anybody!

But it’s less than 5% of your non-retirement account investments. Spread it over 5 years and it’s less than 1% a year. Many people with far less than you give higher percents to philanthropy of their choice (which may or may not be their kids’ school).

They did their wealth scan. They aren’t wrong that you could afford it if that was your priority. It clearly never crossed your mind to give such a large gift so it was startling and upsetting to be asked, and that’s ok. You can be mad that they didn’t acknowledge how much you already spend at the school. You can say no. They hear no all the time and it won’t affect your kids or their education.

I do think for your own peace of mind you should work through all the angst and upset this has caused, which seems out of proportion.

No, they are exploiting the fact that OPs children attend school there to try to gain access to OPs bank account. OP never expressed any interest in a sizable donation. Asking for $100k is completely absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is how the meeting should have gone.

Development: we want you do donate $100k
Parent: how on earth did you come up with that specific amount
Development: we calculate it based on data about you
Parent: specifically what data went into that calculation
Development: data we purchase from data scraping services to estimate your wealth
Parent: that is definitely creepy. I did not consent to that. It is an invasion of my privacy. This meeting is over.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No school asks for specific amounts.

If your school did OP leave.

Not true - I work in Development and hour Head specifically tailors his amounts to according the research on the family's capacity.

Definitely creepy. Your “research” is just an abuse of the privacy of the families at the school.

DP. It’s not an “abuse of privacy”. They don’t tell anyone about a family’s wealth. They use the information only to try to tailor requests to potential large donors. Many nonprofits do this. If you get junk mail asking for donations to help sick kids or abused dogs or anything else, they’ve used the same tools. They aren’t going to start with a $100k ask because they don’t have a connection with you yet, but your kids’ school does have a connection.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is what they do. You get invited out for coffee or to some special event, and then they give you the pitch and go in for the big ask. It's okay to say no or pledge a smaller amount, and then in the future you learn to recognize when you're going to be cornered and you avoid such meetings altogether. Get used to it, because it happens all the way through college.

[Anonymous]

OP as a person whose kids went to some of the most expensive boarding schools in the US, I find this hard to beleive.

We are the 1% in this country and never once has any school asked us for a certain amount.

We even have college foundations and scholarship funds that millions are donated by us and even at that level no one has ever asked for a specific amount.

I would have walked out.

My response would have been.

Thank you we are done here. And I would have gotten up and left the meeting, no other words said.

Then I would proceed to find another institution to educate my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No school asks for specific amounts.

If your school did OP leave.

Not true - I work in Development and hour Head specifically tailors his amounts to according the research on the family's capacity.

Definitely creepy. Your “research” is just an abuse of the privacy of the families at the school.

DP. It’s not an “abuse of privacy”. They don’t tell anyone about a family’s wealth. They use the information only to try to tailor requests to potential large donors. Many nonprofits do this. If you get junk mail asking for donations to help sick kids or abused dogs or anything else, they’ve used the same tools. They aren’t going to start with a $100k ask because they don’t have a connection with you yet, but your kids’ school does have a connection.

Wrong. It is absolutely a violation of the privacy of the families that school is supposed to serve. Did you ask for consent?

[Anonymous]

Rich people get so weirdly offended about other people asking for money.

Just say no. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No school asks for specific amounts.

If your school did OP leave.

Not true - I work in Development and hour Head specifically tailors his amounts to according the research on the family's capacity.

Definitely creepy. Your “research” is just an abuse of the privacy of the families at the school.

DP. It’s not an “abuse of privacy”. They don’t tell anyone about a family’s wealth. They use the information only to try to tailor requests to potential large donors. Many nonprofits do this. If you get junk mail asking for donations to help sick kids or abused dogs or anything else, they’ve used the same tools. They aren’t going to start with a $100k ask because they don’t have a connection with you yet, but your kids’ school does have a connection.

You would have to be morally bankrupt to not view this as an abuse of privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP as a person whose kids went to some of the most expensive boarding schools in the US, I find this hard to beleive.

We are the 1% in this country and never once has any school asked us for a certain amount.

We even have college foundations and scholarship funds that millions are donated by us and even at that level no one has ever asked for a specific amount.

I would have walked out.

My response would have been.

Thank you we are done here. And I would have gotten up and left the meeting, no other words said.

Then I would proceed to find another institution to educate my child.

Yep, same. I’ve been calling the person a troll and I agree.

I went to a top NE boarding school and my parents were full pay.

They were never asked for a specific amount to donate.

We send our kid to a well-endowed DMV private school. The school will ask us to match what we’ve given previous years. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t.

OP’s story just makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No school asks for specific amounts.

If your school did OP leave.

Not true - I work in Development and hour Head specifically tailors his amounts to according the research on the family's capacity.

Definitely creepy. Your “research” is just an abuse of the privacy of the families at the school.

DP. It’s not an “abuse of privacy”. They don’t tell anyone about a family’s wealth. They use the information only to try to tailor requests to potential large donors. Many nonprofits do this. If you get junk mail asking for donations to help sick kids or abused dogs or anything else, they’ve used the same tools. They aren’t going to start with a $100k ask because they don’t have a connection with you yet, but your kids’ school does have a connection.

Wrong. It is absolutely a violation of the privacy of the families that school is supposed to serve. Did you ask for consent?

I have never worked for advancement, development, or donor relations. I have worked as an editor at nonprofits. I have also been on the receiving end of requests. No has ever asked for consent before asking me for money, no. That would be odd.

I’m trying to understand what violation you think has occurred. Simply the fact that one or two people at the school have used publicly available data combined with research tools to come up with an estimate of what they think a family can afford to give? I can understand if you wish we lived in a world where no one had any information about your wealth, but we don’t. Schools, like any nonprofit, are simply using the tools they have available.

It would absolutely be a violation if the development folks were broadcasting or publicizing family wealth information. But they do not do that. These offices (at schools and other nonprofits) keep that information confidential within the team and maybe a high admin, like the HOS. They aren’t blabbing, and you can even give anonymously if you don’t want your name to appear anywhere for other families to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’re been asked for $100k ($20k for 5 years, more specifically) 3 times. Unlucky to be at 2 schools and 1 church during capital campaigns. Your income may put you in that category or they made a mistake based on something else.
Whatever it is, it’s not a big deal. Commit a smaller amount and move on.

Op, yes, they said they would “offer the option” of paying over 5 years if we couldn’t cough it up today.

Whatever their alleged wealth detectives discovered - and again, we have no hidden wealth or family help— it is insane to ask for 20 percent of a family’s salary so they can have fancier buildings! (My friend who works in development at a neighboring small private said things are often based on house value — our house cost 820k when we bought it right before Covid but the value has gone up, as have everybody’s.) she said in her school they do not bother asking the regular full pay parents for specific sums and focus on the known super wealthy.

Im trying to fathom why I feel so hurt and angry when you guys are right and we can just say no. I guess I wanted to feel appreciated for scraping together full tuition for 5 kids, not to mention putting my younger kids in the school’s pipeline amidst crashing birth rates, but clearly those efforts mean nothing. I’ve heard that many more applicants for k this year are only children and i wonder if that’s actually an advantage because families can funnel all those resources fully to the school and they don’t even have to bother educating anybody!

I understand completely why you feel hurt, OP. You do not feel seen. In this region if you are of a family that puts their head down and goes about their life working hard and being self-sufficient, you will never be recognized in any way. The uber wealthy get significant attention and then the working poor get significant attention. Wait until your kids start applying and attending college. You will feel even more invisible. There are accolades and perks and programs for the other groups but for those who just get it done ...

And, OP, while it sounds like your kids are far off from the college years but with five children you really want to save as much of your money as you can for those years ahead. Yes, it is the tuitions. And those tuition invoices are large but it is also an extremely expensive time of child-raising that many do not talk about often. Beyond college tuitions there are so many other costs. Do not give that money away. Your children will need it later.

[Anonymous]

I work in fundraising for a large organization that uses several algorithms to assess wealth. It’s almost always based on real estate holdings, which drives me crazy, especially in this real estate market.

If I were the school’s fundraiser, I’d look at your family and say yeah, they live in a nice home but have 5 kids in private school and don’t appear to multi millionaires, based on your careers, and would not have asked for more than $10k. But I definitely know people who would have done what the school did. I think they are delusional.

I’ve never had anyone be offended by the amount I have asked, usually they just laugh and say something along the lines of being flattered to think they are so rich.

I’d send them an email and focus more on the fact that you are new to the school and that asking for a long term investment in the school at this point is very presumptuous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh in their face, but that's just me.

Also, and more importantly, something is wrong here. What on earth did you disclose for this school to believe that they could ask this of you? Do either of you have a well-known job for which the compensation is publicly available? Even so, the request is not in line with your income. Usually privates have a Development Office and do a pretty good job of researching their wealthy donors to ensure they tailor their "ask" appropriately. Is this a new or inexperienced team at this school? Is it just a crap school that doesn't know what the heck it's doing?

Weird. If I were you, I would ask how they assessed my wealth and how they reached that number, before saying no. They need to do a better job of evaluating donors.

These schools work with consultants, etc., who find out your financial capacity. They know. You can drive used cars to school, pack lunches, but they know about your brokerage account and then they ask BIGLY. You counter, OP. I'm not sure you say No outright, depends on facts and cirumstances, which only you know. You don't have to give what they ask, but you may want to give something.