Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three 20 something kids and two of them work low paying jobs while one is more established and successful. I think she makes 250k at 29. We are having a family reunion in another continent and I told her that I’ll be paying for her siblings (25 and 27) flights (because they wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise) but want her to pay for her own ticket because she can easily afford it. Well, yesterday we were discussing the trip and my daughter said she is deciding not to go because she’s busy with work. Usually she always travels with us so I’m not sure if she’s angry that I asked her to pay for her own airfare. It would cost around $1500. Was I wrong to do this?

I would not go either. I would take it as you really don't want me there and I would be mad you are treating me differently.

Same. I wouldn’t want to burn up my vacation time and spend $1500 to go on a vacation with parents who don’t treat me and my siblings equally. I would feel resentful the whole time, which is a waste. I’m human. So is your oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Some people are saying there’s not much difference between 25 and 29, but I disagree. When I was 25, I was in grad school earning a $16k stipend. There’s no way I could have paid for an overseas family reunion. A few years later it would have been a different story.

I agree. I think this whole "everything must be equal" thing is just nonsensical. It's people getting up in their feelings about someone else's money.

Also, from my own experience: the same siblings who freak out about something like this not being "equal" will later expect financial help from parents and will object to the idea that it be equal. They will view something like plane tickets as something that must be all or nothing, but if they want help with paying for IVF, or upgrading to a new house to accommodate the birth of an additional child, the idea that their parents can only contribute as much as they could equally allocate among all kids will be seen, suddenly, as unfair. Because, after all, this is money they need now and their siblings *don't* need now. Right?

It's always "fairness" for thee, but not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three 20 something kids and two of them work low paying jobs while one is more established and successful. I think she makes 250k at 29. We are having a family reunion in another continent and I told her that I’ll be paying for her siblings (25 and 27) flights (because they wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise) but want her to pay for her own ticket because she can easily afford it. Well, yesterday we were discussing the trip and my daughter said she is deciding not to go because she’s busy with work. Usually she always travels with us so I’m not sure if she’s angry that I asked her to pay for her own airfare. It would cost around $1500. Was I wrong to do this?

I would not go either. I would take it as you really don't want me there and I would be mad you are treating me differently.

Same. I wouldn’t want to burn up my vacation time and spend $1500 to go on a vacation with parents who don’t treat me and my siblings equally. I would feel resentful the whole time, which is a waste. I’m human. So is your oldest.

Yup all this!

[Anonymous]

Imagine you work harder than your siblings and then your mom buys them a free vacation and not you.

You’d be mad!

Either offer to pay for all kids or none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't have told the oldest. If one is a CPA and the other two are public school teachers, the teachers will never have the earning potential of the CPA. You should have kept it quiet.

But that is a choice they ALL made! Unless one is independently wealthy, you don't give them less. Anyone could choose to do the work and become a CPA or an engineer or whatever. You get to pick what you do, and then it's up to you to live with your choices. but the CPA shouldn't get less from their parents because they chose a better career path.

It’s not a better career path, simply a more lucrative one. If the only way these siblings can attend the family reunion is to have their travel paid for, I don’t think it’s wrong. Equity is not equality.

The parent is not responsible for equity. They are only responsible for equality. Treat your kids equal - especially this non-essential fun trip.

That’s silly. If one child needs various supports and therapies, the other child doesn’t get to demand equal funds be spent on them. Furthermore, it’s OP’s money and she can allocate it exactly as she wishes. OP’s only mistake was telling her daughter about her plans.

No one is saying that not pay more for the kid who needs supports and therapies. We are saying that a fun family trip is not a matter of "equity" but of "equality".

When my brother lost his job, my parents paid for their mortgage and other costs. No one thinks that this is unfair or that our parents should give money to us. My brother knows that he does not have to return the money back to my parents. This is equity.

But if my parents were buying a gift for my brother for Christmas, we all would have wanted a gift too. This is equality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i think you should treat all children equally.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three 20 something kids and two of them work low paying jobs while one is more established and successful. I think she makes 250k at 29. We are having a family reunion in another continent and I told her that I’ll be paying for her siblings (25 and 27) flights (because they wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise) but want her to pay for her own ticket because she can easily afford it. Well, yesterday we were discussing the trip and my daughter said she is deciding not to go because she’s busy with work. Usually she always travels with us so I’m not sure if she’s angry that I asked her to pay for her own airfare. It would cost around $1500. Was I wrong to do this?

You have a right to use your money as you see fit and she has a right to use her money as she sees fit. However, may he its not a matter of money and she is just busy or uninterested in joining this trip, either is fine.

[Anonymous]

All of them are old enough to decide to go to and fund their trip if they want to go. Its your family reunion, they live here and likely not really close to your overseas family.

[Anonymous]

Yes you were wrong

[Anonymous]

Why do parents punish the competent kids while rewarding the incompetent ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine you work harder than your siblings and then your mom buys them a free vacation and not you.

You’d be mad!

Either offer to pay for all kids or none.

Maybe OP want to alienate her kids from one another.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 39, 31, 29, and 26, and I try to treat them equally in terms of vacations, despite the fact that only one is wealthy (the 31-year-old). DS31 makes ~$300K while his sibs make $50K to $75K. I'd never fail to pay his way if I'm paying the way for his siblings. It's just wrong.

[Anonymous]

^ yup, same offer to all the kids.
the wealthy one can decline the $$$, but its up to them.
treat them the same. no one should be rewarded/penalized for their life choices.
if not happy with their life up to them to make changes, not for you to bail/subsidize/favor- just causes resentment as we are human.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws do this, so we don’t travel with them anymore.

My parents, on the other hand, are much savvier. My family significantly out-earns my sister‘s family, but my parents always *always* offer to pay for us. Sometimes I take them up on it, and sometimes I do not. When I don’t, my dad always finds some clever way of showing me how much he values my presence on the trip anyway. Once he upgraded my families seats (we were not on the same flight) once he had a room changed to a private villa. Always something to show appreciation for our taking the time and using the resources to be there, even if it were to cost less than the actual value of the trip.

[Anonymous]

Related but different situation. My parents offered to put money annually into grandchildren’s 529. They have plenty of money to do so, decided on an annual amount, and started to do so for a few years. My Sister and Brother both recently inherited large sums from their in-laws who passed. They fully funded their kids 529’s and told my parents they no longer need any contributions. So my parents stopped contributing for all grandkids out of fairness.

Of course they never had to contribute, and of course we have been and will continue to contribute to our kids ourselves, but it’s still feels a bit frustrating that we will no longer get that help due to something completely out of our control (and something we obviously would not wish to happen.) I can say that here, but I don’t feel like I can discuss it with parents. They never had to contribute to begin with and were free to change their plan at any point.