Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?

[Anonymous]

I have three 20 something kids and two of them work low paying jobs while one is more established and successful. I think she makes 250k at 29. We are having a family reunion in another continent and I told her that I’ll be paying for her siblings (25 and 27) flights (because they wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise) but want her to pay for her own ticket because she can easily afford it. Well, yesterday we were discussing the trip and my daughter said she is deciding not to go because she’s busy with work. Usually she always travels with us so I’m not sure if she’s angry that I asked her to pay for her own airfare. It would cost around $1500. Was I wrong to do this?

[Anonymous]

What's your financial situation? It is wrong if you're a very wealthy lady. If you are around dd's hhi or not much higher then you are correct.

[Anonymous]

i think you should treat all children equally.

[Anonymous]

Yes never treat your kids differently.

[Anonymous]

It depends. If you are overall wealthier than your daughter, you should pay. However, you should also just accept that maybe she really does have to work. Getting paid that much at a young age comes with strings attached.

The bigger problem is why the younger two don't make much. Focus your concerns on that. Subsidizing them in any significant way can lead to dependence. Why don't you just plan something everyone can easily afford?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends. If you are overall wealthier than your daughter, you should pay. However, you should also just accept that maybe she really does have to work. Getting paid that much at a young age comes with strings attached.

The bigger problem is why the younger two don't make much. Focus your concerns on that. Subsidizing them in any significant way can lead to dependence. Why don't you just plan something everyone can easily afford?

NP-op says it's a family reunion. It's tough when you have family abroad because it's a huge money sucker just with plane tickets alone and it's not even a "fun" trip, so asking young people to prioritize it is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you were unfair.

Your child earning that much is sacrificing health and time to make that kind of money. She doesn't need a horrible mother in her life who doesn't value her sacrifices.

Either you pay for all your children's travel expenses, or none at all.

[Anonymous]

Yes you were wrong.

You essentially told her she’s being penalized for working hard and being successful. If she makes that much she also likely has a lot work and might not be able to take the time off needed for a reunion on another continent. Especially one she has to pay her way for but her siblings don’t.

I never understand why parents to this. It creates unnecessary tension and resentment within a family.

[Anonymous]

My parents pay for my sister and her spouse to travel, but don't pay for my family of 5 (me, dh and our 3 kids). I'm okay with it. They do pay for accommodations while we're there. And then my parents and I split dinners. Sibling would never pay for their own meals even. It's fine. But I knew it before I went. There are also 5 in my family and we make a lot more money.

I think you should have paid for your dd. Jobs that pay more often require more sacrifices to get there. Kids also think inheritance should be split equally. It's not like you're paying one kids' mortgage when he has cancer, this is a frivolous trip for all.

[Anonymous]

I think it's okay unless you are very wealthy and an additional airfare is no big deal.

However it sounds like you framed it for her in a weird way that made her feel punished for her success. Instead I would have emphasized to her that you were doing this because her siblings would not be able to afford the trip otherwise, and you really want the family to be able to do this together. I also would have told her that you are incredibly proud of her success, and suggested doing something as a congratulations, but separate from the trip. I also would emphasize that in the trip itself, things would be equal between the siblings in terms of what you will pay for (accommodations, meals) and that it's just the airfare where you are asking her to step up since it's a burden on you to pay for the additional airfare (again, if it's not actually a burden for you, I'd just pay for everyone).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you were unfair.

Your child earning that much is sacrificing health and time to make that kind of money. She doesn't need a horrible mother in her life who doesn't value her sacrifices.

Either you pay for all your children's travel expenses, or none at all.

My dh makes that kind of money and he works an easier job than I have with the same amount of hours as I do to make 1/3 of what he makes. Don’t assume that hard work always pays off. Depending on the field, it doesn’t necessarily work that way.

Op, by all means pay for all your children.

Pp, don’t assume that the siblings don’t have jobs that provide value to the world.

[Anonymous]

I hope this doesn't come off as rude, but I don't really want to go on family trips unless they're free. They're usually places that I don't like, I have no control over the food or schedule, and it's a lot to travel with my small children. I've never once been asked for input by my inlaws (dh's sisters and mom control it all) and we just have very different tastes.

[Anonymous]

Yup you are 100 percent wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three 20 something kids and two of them work low paying jobs while one is more established and successful. I think she makes 250k at 29. We are having a family reunion in another continent and I told her that I’ll be paying for her siblings (25 and 27) flights (because they wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise) but want her to pay for her own ticket because she can easily afford it. Well, yesterday we were discussing the trip and my daughter said she is deciding not to go because she’s busy with work. Usually she always travels with us so I’m not sure if she’s angry that I asked her to pay for her own airfare. It would cost around $1500. Was I wrong to do this?

Yes, it is wrong! Unless the other siblings have actual disabilities (that rightly prevent them from being a successful adult), if you help with one kid, you should offer to help for all kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes you were wrong.

You essentially told her she’s being penalized for working hard and being successful. If she makes that much she also likely has a lot work and might not be able to take the time off needed for a reunion on another continent. Especially one she has to pay her way for but her siblings don’t.

I never understand why parents to this. It creates unnecessary tension and resentment within a family.

+1

Yet some families do this thru life.

I grew up poor. Money was hard to come by. Had an irresponsible sibling who got things replaced when they did stupid things (think---got a new pair of glasses when they left them on the car, glasses flew off and were destroyed) yet I as the responsible kid had the same cheap ugly glass frames for 4+ years because they were "still working". I recall suggesting to my parents that I should perhaps run them over with the car so I could get new ones, but that was not appreciated.
And that was the story for many things.
You don't favor one kid financially over the others.

Not surprisingly I'm the more successful adult in life and am the one who hasn't needed parents financial assistance. Instead I'm the one su0pplementing the parents so they can have a great retirement.