Is it wrong to subsidize lower earning children?

[Anonymous]

I'm the higher earning siblings with a couple of very very low earning siblings. My parents have always had favorites, so there was never an expectation that things would be equal.

We've hit a point where I don't ask and they don't tell me about what they provide. I don't want to know when they help out my siblings. That's up to them. Having my own income gives me freedom to make my own choices. My siblings are subject to tons of strings because they accept money. It also means I feel no obligation to support my parents or supplement their income.

[Anonymous]

I am far more bothered by inequities in the gift of time than money. MIL has financially helped DH's sisters multiple times over the years. We don't need the help, so it never bothers me. But she also visits them far more frequently and just generally spends way more time with them than us. That feels worse to me.

[Anonymous]

^ have you spoken up? How did it go?

[Anonymous]

My mother does this with my two younger siblings and it has caused so many problems. My younger brother just refuses to grow up and is constantly rewarded with money, a car, a house, etc. My sister makes one bad choice after another with no repercussions because my mother ALWAYS bails her out.

I have had to pay for everything myself: my college, my wedding, my car, my house, everything. I didn’t know my mother was financing all of my siblings’ lifestyles until about 10 years ago. Now my mother has started her estate planning and made it clear my siblings will get everything and I will get very little because “they need it more”.

I’ve been done with all of them for a while now. My mother will never change. It is so hurtful.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me so happy to have an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so happy to have an only child.

Because you could see yourself treating them differently and having favorites? That's silly. I am hyperaware of these dynamics due to being the oldest and neglected one so I am extra careful NOT to do this with my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother does this with my two younger siblings and it has caused so many problems. My younger brother just refuses to grow up and is constantly rewarded with money, a car, a house, etc. My sister makes one bad choice after another with no repercussions because my mother ALWAYS bails her out.

I have had to pay for everything myself: my college, my wedding, my car, my house, everything. I didn’t know my mother was financing all of my siblings’ lifestyles until about 10 years ago. Now my mother has started her estate planning and made it clear my siblings will get everything and I will get very little because “they need it more”.

I’ve been done with all of them for a while now. My mother will never change. It is so hurtful.

Same story here except my mother thinks I don't know. I've figured it out from her constant need to drop hints over the years. She likes drama and wants to stir it up.
The worst part isn't that she's leaving me with nothing, it's that she thinks she can shock me with the dramatic revelation of her will after her death.

[Anonymous]

You suck OP. I would not go either if I were your daughter. The correct thing to do would be to offer to pay for all the tickets, and let the higher earning daughter either take you up on it, say "no thanks I've got it", offer to pay half etc. Don't just assume she can afford it and actually want to take the trip.

[Anonymous]

All 3. The wealthy one might decline the subsidy but it is the right thing to do. I am that one in my family and my siblings haven’t worked nearly as hard as I have. I would appreciate the offer but decline to take their money if I felt I had plenty of reserves - and go if I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All 3. The wealthy one might decline the subsidy but it is the right thing to do. I am that one in my family and my siblings haven’t worked nearly as hard as I have. I would appreciate the offer but decline to take their money if I felt I had plenty of reserves - and go if I can.

My widowed mother allowed my FTL brother to change her trust to disinherit his sisters. You might very well have nothing to say about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so happy to have an only child.

How is this helpful? FWIW paying for ALL airfares is a quick solution, but you just want to gloat.

[Anonymous]

We have three adult kids and, while I generally agree you should treat them equally, in your case I can certainly understand your approach. I think your "rich" kid needs a lot of growing up to do. As a parent, I'd be greatly disappointed in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

Treat all your kids the same.

[Anonymous]

Treat them same is easy when your kids are young. It becomes not as straight forward when they are older like OP's kids.

[Anonymous]

I have an almost 18 yr old and 21 yr old. 18 yr old is female; 21 yr old is male.

We spend waaay more on the 18 yr old for everything - college (about to start), clothing, medical, toiletries.

21 yr old picked a lucrative field and will probably be making $200K their first job.

18 yr old picked a field that will make at most $60K their first job.

DC1 saved us a ton of money by deciding to go in state, whereas the younger one has decided to go oos.

I asked my DC1 if they felt cheated because we are/will be spending so much more money on their sibling, and they said no, that they know that they are luckier than their sibling. They are very good at STEM and academics has always come easy for them, whereas the younger sibling has some reading issues and isn't as academically gifted. Of course, part of the reason we do spend more on DC#2 is due to this reading issue, which is not DC's fault, but DC didn't have to choose oos (and it's pretty pricey).

Because of this, we bought our oldest something very expensive for xmas even though they could afford it (they made a lot from their internship last year). We normally don't buy very expensive presents. DC#2 is aware that we bought this for them.

My parents treated my older sibling and I differently. Older one got more than I did. When I started to make more than them, my parents expected more from me. That did not sit well with me. My mother particularly expected more from me because "I was more able" than the older sibling. Well, that was due in part because my mother babied my older sibling (the only boy) even though I am the youngest.

I am very cognizant of how we treat our kids in terms of equity. Funny enough, DC#1 said to me in that conversation that "equity is not the same as equality".

We are planning to give cash to DC#1 because of how much money they saved us. DC#2 knows that by choosing the oos, they will get nothing from us after graduation. We've also talked extensively to DC#2 what it will mean after graduation if they pick a field that will never pay very much, that they will probably struggle financially. They know we won't be bailing them out.

I can understand why OP wanted to pay for the less earning children to attend the family reunion, but Op should've had the discussion about equity/equality with their older DC a long time ago.