When to stop inviting all girls in class or kids of parent friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

[Anonymous]

Op, back in the days. Our kids start hanging out with a small group by 1st grade so around seven.

I had only one friend that invited us to her parties until their kids turned ten years old, then that was it (they also divorced a few years later & we stopped being friends but TMI)...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

So you just taught her that you should still interact with people who are mean to you. Great lesson for both kids. It’s a birthday party not an organ donation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The whole inclusion thing started out well but has morphed into teaching kids to make themselves smaller for someone else’s happiness and it has taught other kids that if the have an “excuse” for their behavior, there will be no consequences.

This is a much smaller problem than someone inviting every girl in the class to a party but 1 or 2. Which is just mean.

No you don't have to include people you dislike. But occasionally that also means just having a smaller party in general. This is life and having social skills means you navigate these things all the time.

As an adult, if I am having a party and one of my friend's is dating a guy I hate, I still have to invite the jerk-bf to the party to stay friends with my friend. OR: I can have a smaller gathering without partners. This is similar.

Goodness some of you are hopeless in social situations.

Are you 8 years old? No you are not. Expecting kids to have the emotional bandwidth of an adult is unfair. Expecting girls to make themselves uncomfortable to make others comfortable is just a continuation of the outdated concept that women must always be kind even at their own expense. This kid doesn’t like these kids. Your comparison is not valid because you like your friend and accept the boyfriend as a package deal. This girl has nothing to gain by inviting these kids. Yes she should not be unkind to the kids at school but she does not need to modify her once a year celebration for the comfort of others.

Op here. She doesn’t like two girls, the daughters of parents I know well. They are not in the same class and I acknowledge these girls are not very nice so I have accepted not inviting them.

I’m still working on inviting the two girls from class and a handful of girls we have known the families since kindergarten. She claims she never talks to them and they have no relationship and not friends.

I asked my now teen son what I should do and he said don’t make her invite them. She got invited to another party where the girl is in her class and she left out the same girls.

That's awful that the same 2 girls are being left out of every class party, of 10 girls in the class. Especially when they aren't mean, as you say- they're just apparently not popular. If my daughter refused, at age 9, to invite these last 2 girls to her party, she would have to cut her guest list down to make those 2 girls not the only 2 left out from the class, or if she insisted she couldn't do that, then those 2 girls were getting an invite as well. If she threw a fit, then she doesn't get a party. I mean, seriously.
That being said, stop making her invite the children of your own adult friends that she isn't even friends with. That's a different situation and you shouldn't make her do that. You can have your adult friends over for your own adult party some other time.

I think you misread OP. She didn't say they don't have any friends, she just said her daughter isn't friends with them. I'm sure they are friends with other girls in the class. OP's daughter is just a brat.

One girl is a troublemaker, doesn’t like DD and DD doesn’t like her. I don’t know the other girl at all. I don’t know what she looks like. I met her mom at a school event a month ago and she didn’t know who my daughter was either.

I was going to force her to invite them and then DD started getting upset. DH thinks we have to invite the girls of the parents we know well more than the girls in her class.

DD went to several parties over the past few weeks and none of them had all the girls in the class. And yes, the same two girls were not at any of the parties.

I don't get why you keep posting. You don't want advice, you want permission. You don't need our permission to exclude the 2 girls from her class that all of the other moms and daughters have apparently been excluding the past few months. You have free will. And your DH can try to manage his adult social life through his 9 year old daughter by insisting she invite the daughters of his and your friends even though they aren't in her class and she doesn't like them. Just go do what you want to do instead of posting over and over that this is what you want to do when people give you unanimous advice that what you're doing is nasty.

I booked this venue last week. I haven’t sent out invitations because of the guest list.

There have been zero all class or all the girls in the class parties this year. I know on dcum it seems like everyone always invites all the girls in the class but it doesn’t happen at our school.

I don’t know why I felt so bad about it. Your attitude has made me agree with my child. Thank you.

NO ONE says the only solution is to invite all the girls in her class (because you're right, they've aged out of that by 3rd grade usually). EVERYONE is saying that to invite all of the girls EXCEPT for 2, especially when those 2 girls have also been perpetually excluded from the other birthday parties according to you, AND those girls are not mean , they're just not girls your daughter wants to play with- THAT is terrible. Inviting just her closest friends is totally fine. Not wanting to invite the kids of mom and dad's friends is totally fine. It's all fine, EXCEPT for excluding the 2 unpopular girls in her class (unless those girls bully your daughter or hit her or things like that- but you said that's not the case.). And don't pretend like you hadn't already made up your mind that you want your daughter to exclude the 2 unpopular girls, and that you want her to invite the mean girl that's the daughter of the queen bee mom even though your daughter says she's mean and doesn't want to. That's what you were going to do from the start, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

Tons of people have answered your question- it is fine to stop inviting everyone immediately. It was always fine. It was fine in preschool too. What's not fine is inviting 90% of the class and leaving out the small minority. You need to cut the guest list way back, or suck it up and include everyone. This only applies to a pre-set group like a class, or a sports team, or all the kids who live on the street, in case that's a tough concept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

You can stop inviting everyone at any time. You can have three kids for a 6th birthday! What you can’t do, at any age, is invite everyone but one or two kids, even if those kids are jerks. If there are one or two kids in a group you want to exclude, for whatever reason, you need to cut your guest list until you’re inviting half or less of the group. This includes “the class” or “the girls in the class” or “the girlscout troop” or “the travel team” or anything. You can invite 45% of the girls in the class and 40% of the travel team and that one friend from Sunday school! You can’t invite all the girls in the class but two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

So you just taught her that you should still interact with people who are mean to you. Great lesson for both kids. It’s a birthday party not an organ donation.

This! I was relentlessly bullied by a girl in elementary school. If my mother had insisted that I invite her, I would rather have forgone the party. Your child has 364 days of the year to suck it up and be nice to people who aren’t nice to her. Don’t make her do it on her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

So you just taught her that you should still interact with people who are mean to you. Great lesson for both kids. It’s a birthday party not an organ donation.

This! I was relentlessly bullied by a girl in elementary school. If my mother had insisted that I invite her, I would rather have forgone the party. Your child has 364 days of the year to suck it up and be nice to people who aren’t nice to her. Don’t make her do it on her birthday.

I don’t think the girl bullied my daughter. She just was mean on a few occasions and told my daughter she wasn’t invited to her birthday party because they were not friends. They are not in the same class this year. I originally did not invite that girl last year and added her last minute because it felt wrong to not invite one girl.

On the way to school I told DD to take girls off the list then and she didn’t want to take girls out either. I’m just going to let her invite who she wants whether she knows them from this year or from an activity.

I wrote several times I made my son invite all the kids through sixth grade and also made him invite full sports teams through middle school. I was at a sporting event yesterday and saw how he does not interact with everyone. I’m not making him invite anyone this year nor am I going to make my daughter. Everyone seems to agree by middle school you can invite who you want. My almost 9 year old also has clear friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

So you just taught her that you should still interact with people who are mean to you. Great lesson for both kids. It’s a birthday party not an organ donation.

This! I was relentlessly bullied by a girl in elementary school. If my mother had insisted that I invite her, I would rather have forgone the party. Your child has 364 days of the year to suck it up and be nice to people who aren’t nice to her. Don’t make her do it on her birthday.

I don’t think the girl bullied my daughter. She just was mean on a few occasions and told my daughter she wasn’t invited to her birthday party because they were not friends. They are not in the same class this year. I originally did not invite that girl last year and added her last minute because it felt wrong to not invite one girl.

On the way to school I told DD to take girls off the list then and she didn’t want to take girls out either. I’m just going to let her invite who she wants whether she knows them from this year or from an activity.

I wrote several times I made my son invite all the kids through sixth grade and also made him invite full sports teams through middle school. I was at a sporting event yesterday and saw how he does not interact with everyone. I’m not making him invite anyone this year nor am I going to make my daughter. Everyone seems to agree by middle school you can invite who you want. My almost 9 year old also has clear friends.

Again- girls who aren't in her class don't matter here. Invite them, or dont. (Certainly if they are mean to her, don't!!). The only thing anyone is urging you to do is regarding the 10 girls in her class. Inviting only 8 of them is really mean, and tacky, and low class. Inviting all 10 is fine, inviting only 5 or less is fine. Instilling this in your daughter is actually important. I know you're being willfully obtuse about what people are telling you by continually bringing up your son (which is irrelevant) and continually bringing up these means girls from years past (which is irrelevant). The only thing there is consensus on is that you really should not leave out 2 out of 10 girls in her class. Nobody with any hint of good breeding does this. But if you want to be trashy and you want your daughter to learn to be trashy too, then go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At no age is it okay to invite all the girls in your class but two. If you end up at a tiny high school with 15 girls in your grade, it would not be okay to invite 13 of them to your 18th birthday.

This. We stopped inviting all the girls on class by then, but we were inviting less than half. We stopped inviting kids of my friends well before 9. That was really just preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At no age is it okay to invite all the girls in your class but two. If you end up at a tiny high school with 15 girls in your grade, it would not be okay to invite 13 of them to your 18th birthday.

This. We stopped inviting all the girls on class by then, but we were inviting less than half. We stopped inviting kids of my friends well before 9. That was really just preschool.

The OP has a really weird fixation on wanting to control who her daughter invites on one hand- like, the forcing her to invite a girl who was outwardly mean to her but whose mother the OP wants to remain on good terms with for social heirarchy reasons, when that girl isn't even in her class. And the trying to force her to invite the children of the OP and OP's DH's friends even when her daughter pushes back. That stuff is weird. And then on the flip side, she throws up her hands and says "but she never really plays with those girls, and the other girls in class also left them out, so, it seems like it's the normal thing to do, to leave out those 2 girls!" about her classmates. It seems like OP only cares about hurting the feelings of important adult friends of hers, and doesn't care in the slightest about hurting the feelings of children whose parents she doesn't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

So you just taught her that you should still interact with people who are mean to you. Great lesson for both kids. It’s a birthday party not an organ donation.

This! I was relentlessly bullied by a girl in elementary school. If my mother had insisted that I invite her, I would rather have forgone the party. Your child has 364 days of the year to suck it up and be nice to people who aren’t nice to her. Don’t make her do it on her birthday.

I don’t think the girl bullied my daughter. She just was mean on a few occasions and told my daughter she wasn’t invited to her birthday party because they were not friends. They are not in the same class this year. I originally did not invite that girl last year and added her last minute because it felt wrong to not invite one girl.

On the way to school I told DD to take girls off the list then and she didn’t want to take girls out either. I’m just going to let her invite who she wants whether she knows them from this year or from an activity.

I wrote several times I made my son invite all the kids through sixth grade and also made him invite full sports teams through middle school. I was at a sporting event yesterday and saw how he does not interact with everyone. I’m not making him invite anyone this year nor am I going to make my daughter. Everyone seems to agree by middle school you can invite who you want. My almost 9 year old also has clear friends.

Again- girls who aren't in her class don't matter here. Invite them, or dont. (Certainly if they are mean to her, don't!!). The only thing anyone is urging you to do is regarding the 10 girls in her class. Inviting only 8 of them is really mean, and tacky, and low class. Inviting all 10 is fine, inviting only 5 or less is fine. Instilling this in your daughter is actually important. I know you're being willfully obtuse about what people are telling you by continually bringing up your son (which is irrelevant) and continually bringing up these means girls from years past (which is irrelevant). The only thing there is consensus on is that you really should not leave out 2 out of 10 girls in her class. Nobody with any hint of good breeding does this. But if you want to be trashy and you want your daughter to learn to be trashy too, then go for it.

NP. Frankly, I think phrases like "low class," "tacky," and "trashy" mark the user as such. I would never take advice from anyone who thought in those terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

So you just taught her that you should still interact with people who are mean to you. Great lesson for both kids. It’s a birthday party not an organ donation.

This! I was relentlessly bullied by a girl in elementary school. If my mother had insisted that I invite her, I would rather have forgone the party. Your child has 364 days of the year to suck it up and be nice to people who aren’t nice to her. Don’t make her do it on her birthday.

I don’t think the girl bullied my daughter. She just was mean on a few occasions and told my daughter she wasn’t invited to her birthday party because they were not friends. They are not in the same class this year. I originally did not invite that girl last year and added her last minute because it felt wrong to not invite one girl.

On the way to school I told DD to take girls off the list then and she didn’t want to take girls out either. I’m just going to let her invite who she wants whether she knows them from this year or from an activity.

I wrote several times I made my son invite all the kids through sixth grade and also made him invite full sports teams through middle school. I was at a sporting event yesterday and saw how he does not interact with everyone. I’m not making him invite anyone this year nor am I going to make my daughter. Everyone seems to agree by middle school you can invite who you want. My almost 9 year old also has clear friends.

Again- girls who aren't in her class don't matter here. Invite them, or dont. (Certainly if they are mean to her, don't!!). The only thing anyone is urging you to do is regarding the 10 girls in her class. Inviting only 8 of them is really mean, and tacky, and low class. Inviting all 10 is fine, inviting only 5 or less is fine. Instilling this in your daughter is actually important. I know you're being willfully obtuse about what people are telling you by continually bringing up your son (which is irrelevant) and continually bringing up these means girls from years past (which is irrelevant). The only thing there is consensus on is that you really should not leave out 2 out of 10 girls in her class. Nobody with any hint of good breeding does this. But if you want to be trashy and you want your daughter to learn to be trashy too, then go for it.

NP. Frankly, I think phrases like "low class," "tacky," and "trashy" mark the user as such. I would never take advice from anyone who thought in those terms.

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How would you describe a grown woman who says her daughter is allowed to leave out just 2 girls in the class for no reason other than "we aren't really friends", and doubles down defending this decision with the reasoning "well my daughter has been to a TON of parties already this year and everyone else leaves those 2 girls out too". Tacky, trashy, and low class are kind of apt. I guess you could go with mean instead but it's not just mean, it's mean with an undercurrent of striver behavior, not wanting her daughter to be the only one that invited the losers. If that's not low class, then what is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At no age is it okay to invite all the girls in your class but two. If you end up at a tiny high school with 15 girls in your grade, it would not be okay to invite 13 of them to your 18th birthday.

This. We stopped inviting all the girls on class by then, but we were inviting less than half. We stopped inviting kids of my friends well before 9. That was really just preschool.

The OP has a really weird fixation on wanting to control who her daughter invites on one hand- like, the forcing her to invite a girl who was outwardly mean to her but whose mother the OP wants to remain on good terms with for social heirarchy reasons, when that girl isn't even in her class. And the trying to force her to invite the children of the OP and OP's DH's friends even when her daughter pushes back. That stuff is weird. And then on the flip side, she throws up her hands and says "but she never really plays with those girls, and the other girls in class also left them out, so, it seems like it's the normal thing to do, to leave out those 2 girls!" about her classmates. It seems like OP only cares about hurting the feelings of important adult friends of hers, and doesn't care in the slightest about hurting the feelings of children whose parents she doesn't know.

I actually now agree with my daughter and will let her invite who she wants on her birthday. I would not want people I have zero relationship with at my birthday either.

Making my son invite those boys in fifth and sixth grade did not make them friends. They didn’t talk then and still don’t talk now. I actually met the mom of one of those boys I forced my son to invite. They didn’t come to the party. The mom didn’t know who my son was. I didn’t recognize the mom because I never met her before. I only recognized her son’s name because my son didn’t want to invite him in sixth grade and I forced him. I don’t know why I made it such a big deal to invite him, the same way I’m trying to force my daughter to invite these two girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s fine to leave people out. It’s not fine to leave only a few people out. I don’t know what hard about this.

So last year, I made her invite the girl who was mean to her, not friends who told her she was not invited to her party because they aren’t friends. I still made her invite her and they couldn’t come. I thought it was cruel to leave one person out even if the girl is mean to DD.

The year before we included the boys who are disruptive and DD didn’t want. We invited the whole class.

I don’t think anyone actually answered my question on when to stop inviting everyone. DD is in third grade.

I made my son invite everyone until sixth grade.

So you just taught her that you should still interact with people who are mean to you. Great lesson for both kids. It’s a birthday party not an organ donation.

This! I was relentlessly bullied by a girl in elementary school. If my mother had insisted that I invite her, I would rather have forgone the party. Your child has 364 days of the year to suck it up and be nice to people who aren’t nice to her. Don’t make her do it on her birthday.

I don’t think the girl bullied my daughter. She just was mean on a few occasions and told my daughter she wasn’t invited to her birthday party because they were not friends. They are not in the same class this year. I originally did not invite that girl last year and added her last minute because it felt wrong to not invite one girl.

On the way to school I told DD to take girls off the list then and she didn’t want to take girls out either. I’m just going to let her invite who she wants whether she knows them from this year or from an activity.

I wrote several times I made my son invite all the kids through sixth grade and also made him invite full sports teams through middle school. I was at a sporting event yesterday and saw how he does not interact with everyone. I’m not making him invite anyone this year nor am I going to make my daughter. Everyone seems to agree by middle school you can invite who you want. My almost 9 year old also has clear friends.

Again- girls who aren't in her class don't matter here. Invite them, or dont. (Certainly if they are mean to her, don't!!). The only thing anyone is urging you to do is regarding the 10 girls in her class. Inviting only 8 of them is really mean, and tacky, and low class. Inviting all 10 is fine, inviting only 5 or less is fine. Instilling this in your daughter is actually important. I know you're being willfully obtuse about what people are telling you by continually bringing up your son (which is irrelevant) and continually bringing up these means girls from years past (which is irrelevant). The only thing there is consensus on is that you really should not leave out 2 out of 10 girls in her class. Nobody with any hint of good breeding does this. But if you want to be trashy and you want your daughter to learn to be trashy too, then go for it.

NP. Frankly, I think phrases like "low class," "tacky," and "trashy" mark the user as such. I would never take advice from anyone who thought in those terms.

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How would you describe a grown woman who says her daughter is allowed to leave out just 2 girls in the class for no reason other than "we aren't really friends", and doubles down defending this decision with the reasoning "well my daughter has been to a TON of parties already this year and everyone else leaves those 2 girls out too". Tacky, trashy, and low class are kind of apt. I guess you could go with mean instead but it's not just mean, it's mean with an undercurrent of striver behavior, not wanting her daughter to be the only one that invited the losers. If that's not low class, then what is?

You are looking at it wrong. Each party has 5-25 kids and yes, those two girls weren’t at any of them. The other parties are from friends at the same school, not necessarily the same class. This is fourth year of being in a class. I’m not sure being placed in the same homeroom class means you must be invited to a birthday party. They switch for classes so kids are mixed all day.