When to stop inviting all girls in class or kids of parent friends?

[Anonymous]

We have 16 boys in our grade and a mom invited 13 of them to her sons party. I thought this was pretty tasteless but to add insult to injury she posted photos on Facebook!
I agree that less than half is a good rule of thumb and for God's sake, resist the urge to post photos. My mom did this a few years back and I lost a close friend over it.

[Anonymous]

Once they express preferences. So, now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are 10 girls in the class, she needs to invite all 10 OR invite half or less. So either 4 girls from class (plus OPs daughter making 5) or all the girls. You know this. Just like you don't invite 8 of your 10 coworkers over for a BBQ when all 10 of you are on the same work team.

This. All or less than half is the rule to follow.

If that's too complicated, then choose just 1-2 girls and do something special instead of a party.

[Anonymous]

I did the whole class plus outside friends in elementary school only. It’s easy if you find a venue you can rent privately for just your party.

We rented a roller skating rink after school with food there to order and karaoke. It didn’t matter how many. I paid a flat fee and paid for skates I think.

There are so many places that have private rooms so no worry about losing a kid.

I always think about the kids who are quiet and overlooked and are never invited. It’s not that difficult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At no age is it okay to invite all the girls in your class but two. If you end up at a tiny high school with 15 girls in your grade, it would not be okay to invite 13 of them to your 18th birthday.

We don't invite the girls that have violent outbursts and throw chairs and scissors in class. Usually it's just one, but somtimes two in a class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Figure out what type of party you are having, figure out the space needed, and set a number for the guest list. Let your child decide who she wants to invite.

DS's largest ES party was K, we invited pretty much all the boys. After that, we asked him who he wanted to invite. He gave us his list. We would ask if there were some additional kids he wanted to include, based on shared interests and activities. Sometimes he said yes but mainly he said no. There are some kids he has invited to specific parties but not sleep overs because the kid is just too much. We don't post pictures of the party or make much of a mention of it because we don't want to hurt anyone, but we are not inviting a kid our son doesn't want to invite.

He is in 8th grade now, so I get that it is different, but we have always held the opinion that he knows who he wants to hang out with and if he doesn't want to invite a particular child then we need to respect that.

We booked the venue. Our party is for up to 20 but we can add extra. For this party, space limitations is not an issue. DD just doesn’t want to invite the girls she isn’t friends with.

She made a guest list of 16. I am urging her to invite the remaining 2 girls and about 5 girls we have known since kindergarten.

She made her list, go with that. Why should she invite kids she doesn't want to her party? She shouldn't have to invite kids she is not friends with. If she doesn't hang out with the kids she has known since kindergarten now and doesn't want to invite them, then don't.

It's ok to not invite everyone. She has not been invited to some parties and it sounds like she hass been fine with that. It's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At no age is it okay to invite all the girls in your class but two. If you end up at a tiny high school with 15 girls in your grade, it would not be okay to invite 13 of them to your 18th birthday.

It is 100% ok to not invite all the girls or boys in your class. You don't have to invite kids who are mean to you, rude to your, or who are not friends of yours to anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At no age is it okay to invite all the girls in your class but two. If you end up at a tiny high school with 15 girls in your grade, it would not be okay to invite 13 of them to your 18th birthday.

We don't invite the girls that have violent outbursts and throw chairs and scissors in class. Usually it's just one, but somtimes two in a class.

None of my children or nieces and nephews or friend’s kids have ever had a student throw anything in a classroom. I think there’s exaggeration there.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to invite the two girls she doesn't like (at that age I would not force a kid to invite kids she actively dislikes) but I would then also not invite the kids in class she neither likes nor dislikes, the neutral kids she's not really actively friends with but doesn't have a problem with. As those kids are also not her friends, they are just classmates.

You can have an all-classmates party, where you invite everyone even the classmates you don't know that well or even find annoying. Or you can have an all-friends party where you just invite your friends. What you should not have is a "no enemies" party where you invite everyone, friend or not, classmate or not, but specifically exclude a small number of people you dislike. Primarily because this will make it very clear to everything that you don't like them, and this is something you need to keep to yourself.

It sounds to me like you need to do a smaller party, stop trying to socially engineer your kids friendships, but also help her understand why she doesn't want to advertise her dislike for these two girls (because it will come back to bite her later).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to invite the two girls she doesn't like (at that age I would not force a kid to invite kids she actively dislikes) but I would then also not invite the kids in class she neither likes nor dislikes, the neutral kids she's not really actively friends with but doesn't have a problem with. As those kids are also not her friends, they are just classmates.

You can have an all-classmates party, where you invite everyone even the classmates you don't know that well or even find annoying. Or you can have an all-friends party where you just invite your friends. What you should not have is a "no enemies" party where you invite everyone, friend or not, classmate or not, but specifically exclude a small number of people you dislike. Primarily because this will make it very clear to everything that you don't like them, and this is something you need to keep to yourself.

It sounds to me like you need to do a smaller party, stop trying to socially engineer your kids friendships, but also help her understand why she doesn't want to advertise her dislike for these two girls (because it will come back to bite her later).

I’m not trying to social engineer. Thought I was being inclusive.

I posted earlier that I made my son invite all the boys in his class all through elementary. Like my daughter, he always had largish parties so we had venues that accommodated a lot of people. I still made him invite family friends until age 12. These are kids he did not have a problem with but the kid may not have been “cool”. He invited 50 kids to his last party in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to invite the two girls she doesn't like (at that age I would not force a kid to invite kids she actively dislikes) but I would then also not invite the kids in class she neither likes nor dislikes, the neutral kids she's not really actively friends with but doesn't have a problem with. As those kids are also not her friends, they are just classmates.

You can have an all-classmates party, where you invite everyone even the classmates you don't know that well or even find annoying. Or you can have an all-friends party where you just invite your friends. What you should not have is a "no enemies" party where you invite everyone, friend or not, classmate or not, but specifically exclude a small number of people you dislike. Primarily because this will make it very clear to everything that you don't like them, and this is something you need to keep to yourself.

It sounds to me like you need to do a smaller party, stop trying to socially engineer your kids friendships, but also help her understand why she doesn't want to advertise her dislike for these two girls (because it will come back to bite her later).

She doesn’t seem to have anything against the two girls in her class, just that they have no relationship. I made my son invite those type of people when he was the same age.

Of the five girls I am trying to add, one girl is the popular mean girl type and if anything, not inviting her will have social impact on DD. DD doesn’t like the mean girl. I know parents well. They are very involved in community. Second not nice girl is the daughter of one of my closest mom friends.

I forced my son to invite but he was fine semi ignoring guests. I told him he had to greet guests and if they didn’t talk at school, they may not come but we should still invite them. This doesn’t seem to work on DD. She is more adamant about not inviting them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Figure out what type of party you are having, figure out the space needed, and set a number for the guest list. Let your child decide who she wants to invite.

DS's largest ES party was K, we invited pretty much all the boys. After that, we asked him who he wanted to invite. He gave us his list. We would ask if there were some additional kids he wanted to include, based on shared interests and activities. Sometimes he said yes but mainly he said no. There are some kids he has invited to specific parties but not sleep overs because the kid is just too much. We don't post pictures of the party or make much of a mention of it because we don't want to hurt anyone, but we are not inviting a kid our son doesn't want to invite.

He is in 8th grade now, so I get that it is different, but we have always held the opinion that he knows who he wants to hang out with and if he doesn't want to invite a particular child then we need to respect that.

We booked the venue. Our party is for up to 20 but we can add extra. For this party, space limitations is not an issue. DD just doesn’t want to invite the girls she isn’t friends with.

She made a guest list of 16. I am urging her to invite the remaining 2 girls and about 5 girls we have known since kindergarten.

She made her list, go with that. Why should she invite kids she doesn't want to her party? She shouldn't have to invite kids she is not friends with. If she doesn't hang out with the kids she has known since kindergarten now and doesn't want to invite them, then don't.

It's ok to not invite everyone. She has not been invited to some parties and it sounds like she hass been fine with that. It's ok.

+1

[Anonymous]

My DD is in 2nd grade (7 turning 8 this school year) and hasn't been to a whole-class (or all the girls in class) birthday party since preschool. I think it largely depends on the norm in your school. I think by age 9, it's reasonable to invite a mix of friends from her class, sports/activities, and previous school years.

That said, if you're only leaving out two girls, it might come off as mean-spirited to exclude them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At no age is it okay to invite all the girls in your class but two. If you end up at a tiny high school with 15 girls in your grade, it would not be okay to invite 13 of them to your 18th birthday.

We don't invite the girls that have violent outbursts and throw chairs and scissors in class. Usually it's just one, but somtimes two in a class.

My kids are at a Catholic school and we don't have any of those. The kids who dont get invited are just quiet and not "cool." The boys who aren't sporty and the girls who maybe still play with dolls. I think it's mean to only exclude them for that and invite everyone else.

[Anonymous]

OP - would you invite two people you don’t like to YOUR birthday party? Stop treating your kids like tiny social workers. It’s her day, she gets to have who she wants to share it with her. Was at one of those all class parties for a 4 year old recently and he’s spent half his party crying because the mean kid wouldn’t leave him alone and the parents were crap at managing him.