Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

hard agree!! I find it absolutely insane that the younger a wife/mother is the more "patience" she has to have and deference and sacrifice to keep things good for the both the older generation and of course for the kids but as women get older and become in laws they are allowed to become self-indulgent, self centered and rude and everyone has to put up with it b/c she is the "mother". It should be the other way around- if you are older and hopefully wiser you should show more restraint and patience and you have adult a$$ kids- the stress time is over, younger moms need to be given the benefit of the doubt when they get stressed out not a retired woman who has finished all the pressing business of her life! moms who do everything to make the holidays happen should be allowed to enjoy them with their kids and spouses as 2nd priority after the actual kids.

[Anonymous]

24 days is plenty of time to find or make alternate plans. A turkey will thaw in a fraction of that time. I can't believe people think it's "too soon"! You must all be imbeciles or something, that's honestly ridiculous. Good luck ILs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell them "since you've never felt welcome in our home despite everything Lisa and I do for you to prepare for your visits and to make them enjoyable we think it's best you stay elsewhere for the upcoming holidays."

This. You shouldn’t have to do or say anything. I wouldn’t. If DH doesn’t say it, then take a trip with just you (and maybe the kids) for the holiday and just let DH deal with that crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I support you a 100%! MIL needs to learn to filter her thoughts.

This is what I had to do with my own mother. She learned. A reconciliation is probably in your future, OP, and all will end well, but only if you stand your ground for this Christmas. Your MIL needs to feel consequences otherwise she cannot learn.

I entirely disagree with letting it go and re-evaluating later - that doesn't make any sense. Consequences need to happen right after the act, otherwise people have a hard time understanding why they happen. The more you wait, the less leverage you will have in the future.

Then she should have spoken up the minute she was offended and felt “gobsmacked” and called off Christmas right then and there. Now it just feels petty.

Oh stop. It’s not a movie. When your MIL says “I never feel welcome here” most people will get flustered and not say much. No one is like, “well! Then don’t come for Christmas!” That’s what normal people would consider escalating the situation for no reason.

OP, just send a text to them (or ask your DH to) that you’re having a quiet Christmas this year without guests. If they push back, just say hosting is getting to be too much. She knows exactly what she said. Don’t engage further on it after the text.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

hard agree!! I find it absolutely insane that the younger a wife/mother is the more "patience" she has to have and deference and sacrifice to keep things good for the both the older generation and of course for the kids but as women get older and become in laws they are allowed to become self-indulgent, self centered and rude and everyone has to put up with it b/c she is the "mother". It should be the other way around- if you are older and hopefully wiser you should show more restraint and patience and you have adult a$$ kids- the stress time is over, younger moms need to be given the benefit of the doubt when they get stressed out not a retired woman who has finished all the pressing business of her life! moms who do everything to make the holidays happen should be allowed to enjoy them with their kids and spouses as 2nd priority after the actual kids.

+1
I hit the eject button on appeasing the ILs. They had expectations of me and I literally ignored their sexist remarks. When they had a complaint I pretended not to hear. All comments were directed to their golden boy, while I left the house. After a few years, I told DH he was responsible for all his family’s gifts - I did our kids and my side. ILs never got gift after that and judged me for it…. Because, of course, I store special gift giving abilities in my vagina where all women store these antiquated responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

I'm the one who said I thought immediately disinviting them for Christmas was an overreaction. I am a 41 year old mother of three, not a grandmother, though admittedly all my kids' grandparents are somewhere on the spectrum from loving and helpful to loving and needy/annoying, nothing really to complain about.

Did you read the rest of my post? I'm not suggesting that her needs and wants go to the wayside. I'm suggesting that she (and/or her husband) have a conversation with the ILs rather than immediately disinviting them to Christmas. There was no indication of a pattern of behavior from her ILs, but rather one comment that even the OP admits she probably didn't take the way they intended. So TALK to them. If they double down, yeah, disinvite them. But give them a chance to apologize.

And I emphasized that she should do less overall.

One day, we're going to be ILs, too. One not-horrific comment I think deserves a follow up, not immediately canceling Christmas!

I do see your point (I’m the PP). But, what I see from OPs post is that she goes out of her way to host them for both winter holidays every year, they never really say thanks or pitch in, and this year they said they don’t even feel welcome. To me, saying that sort of thing to someone’s face (they said it to DH face not hers, I know) and expecting to come back and be hosted for Christmas in 4 weeks after openly complaining about the way in which they were hosted? I would be so ashamed if I were those in laws. Truly. If the comment came out as verbal diarrhea I’d have called the next day and sincerely apologized because you are right, people say things out of anger sometimes and they don’t mean them, and they do deserve some understanding if they’re family and it’s out of character. But again- why is it JUST on OP to suck it up and be gracious? Why shouldn’t the in laws be calling to apologize? Instead, OP is expected to host them again in a matter of weeks? I guess I just disagree that OPs feelings matter so little over the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Why can't your ILs host if it means so much to them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my DH they can come over but I will not lift a single finger.

Same. He can do everything. And I’d plan a spa day and leave the house for the majority of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?

I'm the one who said I thought immediately disinviting them for Christmas was an overreaction. I am a 41 year old mother of three, not a grandmother, though admittedly all my kids' grandparents are somewhere on the spectrum from loving and helpful to loving and needy/annoying, nothing really to complain about.

Did you read the rest of my post? I'm not suggesting that her needs and wants go to the wayside. I'm suggesting that she (and/or her husband) have a conversation with the ILs rather than immediately disinviting them to Christmas. There was no indication of a pattern of behavior from her ILs, but rather one comment that even the OP admits she probably didn't take the way they intended. So TALK to them. If they double down, yeah, disinvite them. But give them a chance to apologize.

And I emphasized that she should do less overall.

One day, we're going to be ILs, too. One not-horrific comment I think deserves a follow up, not immediately canceling Christmas!

I do see your point (I’m the PP). But, what I see from OPs post is that she goes out of her way to host them for both winter holidays every year, they never really say thanks or pitch in, and this year they said they don’t even feel welcome. To me, saying that sort of thing to someone’s face (they said it to DH face not hers, I know) and expecting to come back and be hosted for Christmas in 4 weeks after openly complaining about the way in which they were hosted? I would be so ashamed if I were those in laws. Truly. If the comment came out as verbal diarrhea I’d have called the next day and sincerely apologized because you are right, people say things out of anger sometimes and they don’t mean them, and they do deserve some understanding if they’re family and it’s out of character. But again- why is it JUST on OP to suck it up and be gracious? Why shouldn’t the in laws be calling to apologize? Instead, OP is expected to host them again in a matter of weeks? I guess I just disagree that OPs feelings matter so little over the holidays.

Yes this is so well said. To say that, no apologies and expect to show up and do it all again less than a month later…no

[Anonymous]

Text and ask them what time you should arrive at their place for Christmas this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my DH they can come over but I will not lift a single finger.

Same. He can do everything. And I’d plan a spa day and leave the house for the majority of the time.

I wouldnt give up Christmas with my kids. My ILs could go elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Another take. I was hosted for the holidays. I know the hosts put a lot of work into to it and I thanked them. From the time I got there till I left the only time anyone really spoke to me was at dinner. It was the person seated next to me. I tried making conversation and after a couple minutes, hosts would move on to spend their time with their friends. There were 8 people there.
Although I appreciate the invite I really didn’t feel welcomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell my DH they can come over but I will not lift a single finger.

Same. He can do everything. And I’d plan a spa day and leave the house for the majority of the time.

I wouldnt give up Christmas with my kids. My ILs could go elsewhere.

I agree. I've had it up to there with suggestions that somehow always end up making the woman of the house change her plans. Most of us don't want a spa day at Christmas (are the spas even open?), we want to enjoy our decorated homes, cook our favorite meals, and not have ungrateful and impolite guests.

We should be giving precedence to the WOMAN OF THE HOUSE, because she's the one doing most of the work. Not the grandmas who live elsewhere and are invited guests. If the Grandma wants to host in her own house, then she gets precedence. But Grandmas don't automatically get precedence just because once upon a time, maybe they had to suffer a rabid MIL of their own. No no no. We do not visit the sins of the past onto new generations. The goal is to stop the vicious cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another take. I was hosted for the holidays. I know the hosts put a lot of work into to it and I thanked them. From the time I got there till I left the only time anyone really spoke to me was at dinner. It was the person seated next to me. I tried making conversation and after a couple minutes, hosts would move on to spend their time with their friends. There were 8 people there.
Although I appreciate the invite I really didn’t feel welcomed.

And did you say this to your host's face? If you didn't, your little story is off-topic.

[Anonymous]

If you otherwise get on well with them I would just tell them that it hurt you.
If you don’t, then don’t host them for overnights again.