Reply to Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

[b]But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents. [/b]

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.   [/quote]
Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made. [/quote]

I love how so, so many of the responses here on this forum are like, “these are your husbands parents” or “these are your kids grandparents”. Or, “it’s Christmas. You need to be gracious.” Like, what am I? Am I not my husbands wife ? My kids mother? Does Christmas mean I need to let my own needs and wants fall by the wayside for other adults , year after year, without any thanks? Why does this standard apply ONLY to me? Why aren’t people saying, gosh, that’s your son’s wife, you need to be a gracious guest in their home. Or, gosh, that’s the mother of your grandchildren, you need to treat her with respect and kindness. Is it just a bunch of grandmothers on the family forum sometimes?[/quote]

hard agree!! I find it absolutely insane that the younger a wife/mother  is the more "patience" she has to have and deference and sacrifice to keep things good for the both the older generation and of course for the kids but as women get older and become in laws they are allowed to become self-indulgent, self centered and rude and everyone has to put up with it b/c she is the "mother". It should be the other way around- if you are older and hopefully wiser you should show more restraint and patience and you have adult a$$ kids- the stress time is over, younger moms need to be given the benefit of the doubt when they get stressed out not a retired woman who has finished all the pressing business of her life! moms who do everything to make the holidays happen should be allowed to enjoy them with their kids and spouses as 2nd priority after the actual kids.  [/quote]

+1
I hit the eject button on appeasing the ILs.  They had expectations of me and I literally ignored their sexist remarks.  When they had a complaint I pretended not to hear.  All comments were directed to their golden boy, while I left the house.  After a few years, I told DH he was responsible for all his family’s gifts - I did our kids and my side.  ILs never got gift after that and judged me for it…. Because, of course, I store special gift giving abilities in my vagina where all women store these antiquated responsibilities.[/quote]

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