Have you been able to overthrow the AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is in a relation at work. Have confronted couple times but has denied. AP is single while I have two kids-he is a devoted dad, and we have long history together. Have more evidence now and want to confront (final) but not without a plan of getting the AP
out. He has a huge reputation to lose FWIW..anyone successfully navigated these waters? I will decide whether I stay or leave after the AP is out

Unless she's his subordinate or he's in the military, no one cares if he's boning a co-worker.

If he’s high up, there is a power imbalance with nearly everyone at the company. Doesn’t have to be a direct subordinate.

I didn't say direct, I said subordinate, which is someone who is lower in rank or power. So if OP's husband is high up, then unless the AP is higher up or even with him, she'd be his subordinate. Get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is in a relation at work. Have confronted couple times but has denied. AP is single while I have two kids-he is a devoted dad, and we have long history together. Have more evidence now and want to confront (final) but not without a plan of getting the AP
out. He has a huge reputation to lose FWIW..anyone successfully navigated these waters? I will decide whether I stay or leave after the AP is out

Unless she's his subordinate or he's in the military, no one cares if he's boning a co-worker.

If he’s high up, there is a power imbalance with nearly everyone at the company. Doesn’t have to be a direct subordinate.

Why would you threaten his job? If you stay married, you want him to work. If you don’t, you still want that for child support and alimony.

I’m not OP and not advocating this, merely clarifying who is susceptible to sexual harassment charges. We’ve all had the endless trainings. OP doesn’t need to rat him out, it could become public any time.

Your clarification was incorrect. But thanks so much for reiterating what was in the trainings you didn't understand.

[Anonymous]

The AP isn't the issue, your husband is. Don't waste your time and mental energy on her. Get a lawyer and move on. Until you start the process he won't take you seriously.

[Anonymous]

Play the long game OP. You need to figure out if you want to stay or leave before confrontation. The best decisions are never made in the heat of the moment. Calm down and think long term.

[Anonymous]

What makes you think the AP will be out? What’s more likely is you are out and he marries the AP and she is a 1/2 time parent to your kids. You have no leverage. You will lose them 1/2 the time no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play the long game OP. You need to figure out if you want to stay or leave before confrontation. The best decisions are never made in the heat of the moment. Calm down and think long term.

The confrontation will provide a lot of information salient to whether the marriage is salvageable. Does he lie? Blameshift? Minimize? Justify? Hedge?

It makes sense that her brain is like "get rid of AP, then figure out the marriage." It's not a marriage when there's an extra person in it. Get it back to what it's supposed to be and then figure out what to do with it.

Neither of these women should be looking at this man and thinking he's a safe bet. He's shown that he's a selfish manipulator who doesn't care about lying or using people. But there are sunk costs - OP is already married to him with kids. Life is complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Play the long game OP. You need to figure out if you want to stay or leave before confrontation. The best decisions are never made in the heat of the moment. Calm down and think long term.

The confrontation will provide a lot of information salient to whether the marriage is salvageable. Does he lie? Blameshift? Minimize? Justify? Hedge?

It makes sense that her brain is like "get rid of AP, then figure out the marriage." It's not a marriage when there's an extra person in it. Get it back to what it's supposed to be and then figure out what to do with it.

Neither of these women should be looking at this man and thinking he's a safe bet. He's shown that he's a selfish manipulator who doesn't care about lying or using people. But there are sunk costs - OP is already married to him with kids. Life is complicated.

No, you are wrong. There is almost no chance OP will obtain valuable information from confronting-she already done so on multiple occasions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Play the long game OP. You need to figure out if you want to stay or leave before confrontation. The best decisions are never made in the heat of the moment. Calm down and think long term.

The confrontation will provide a lot of information salient to whether the marriage is salvageable. Does he lie? Blameshift? Minimize? Justify? Hedge?

It makes sense that her brain is like "get rid of AP, then figure out the marriage." It's not a marriage when there's an extra person in it. Get it back to what it's supposed to be and then figure out what to do with it.

Neither of these women should be looking at this man and thinking he's a safe bet. He's shown that he's a selfish manipulator who doesn't care about lying or using people. But there are sunk costs - OP is already married to him with kids. Life is complicated.

No, you are wrong. There is almost no chance OP will obtain valuable information from confronting-she already done so on multiple occasions.

Agreed. He's had multiple occasions to come clean and reveal info, and he hasn't done so. He's also had multiple occasions to just leave because he doesn't want the risk and you're suspicious. Instead, he chose to continue taking the risk, despite the fact you were suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Op to me it feels like you’re focused on controlling a situation you’re out of control of.

Retain your dignity and move out and on and
Up! Rooting for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t overthrow the AP, I mean your spouse will leave them as a condition to stay with you, but they will forever be a part of your story.

When one decides to have an AP, I am not talking ONS, but a full blown affair, you understand the consequences of getting caught. That your spouse may divorce you and you accept that because you DO NOT love your spouse in a romantic manner when you engage in an affair. Of course we all lie when caught and say it meant nothing, but think about it, would you hurt your spouse and kids, blow up your life, for something that meant nothing?

I suggest, just serving your spouse with divorce papers and not bothering with AP or the husband, because they don’t care about you or your feelings. The more energy you spend on the AP, the more importance she has in your life. Your husband is no longer in love with you, so move on to a better life.

Agree. I think that confronting, getting them to admit, putting out an ultimatum, and changing their behavior so they don't do this again is a lot easier when it's a ONS type thing--or even couple of ONSs with different people. But OP's situation isn't that. Sounds like it's an ongoing thing with one person, and he's lied about it when confronted and kept it going even when he knew there was a risk.

[Anonymous]

I missed the part about her confronting already. That doesn't bode well. He knows she's suspicious and he's going to take it further underground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is in a relation at work. Have confronted couple times but has denied. AP is single while I have two kids-he is a devoted dad, and we have long history together. Have more evidence now and want to confront (final) but not without a plan of getting the AP
out. He has a huge reputation to lose FWIW..anyone successfully navigated these waters? I will decide whether I stay or leave after the AP is out

Unless she's his subordinate or he's in the military, no one cares if he's boning a co-worker.

Coldplay suggests otherwise…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse is in a relation at work. Have confronted couple times but has denied. AP is single while I have two kids-he is a devoted dad, and we have long history together. Have more evidence now and want to confront (final) but not without a plan of getting the AP
out. He has a huge reputation to lose FWIW..anyone successfully navigated these waters? I will decide whether I stay or leave after the AP is out

Unless she's his subordinate or he's in the military, no one cares if he's boning a co-worker.

Coldplay suggests otherwise…

Only mindless idiots cared about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What makes you think the AP will be out? What’s more likely is you are out and he marries the AP and she is a 1/2 time parent to your kids. You have no leverage. You will lose them 1/2 the time no matter what.

Only if he wants 50%. A whole lot of guys voluntarily give up a lot of time they're entitled to because they're "too busy" – which generally means they've decided to prioritize themselves and their new girlfriend/wife/family over their existing kids.

[Anonymous]

I've inadvertently been the receiver of this sort of phone call while the current woman was listening on speaker phone. Please don't ever do this. All that happens is that he does the fake call for your benefit, then at the first chance, he tries to hop back into bed with the "other" woman. She probably already knows he's cheating on someone with her. She knows that he's going through the motions with the phone call to appease the wife, and that he doesn't mean a word of it. And if you're going to stay together, how in hell is making him move to the guest room going to repair things? Who wants to give up an active and enjoyable sex life for a celibate life in the dog house???

"I presented divorce papers and said move out today or call AP on speaker phone and end it.

He stayed… he turned on location services, he went to therapy and moved to the guest room.

2 years later I served him divorce papers but the AP was kicked to the curb and thrown under the bus."