Up to $14,000 a month

[Anonymous]

The "people" who care for elderly people at home are nearly always women, and many of this women end up quitting their own jobs and sabotaging their own futures in order to do so. We act like this is natural and like it doesn't harm anyone. This isn't true. it's exhausting, thankless work and many of the arguments about the second shift and women doing twice as much around the house that occurred when there were young children in the home can resurface again when there are elderly people in the home requiring care. Scenarios like a guy who still golfs every Saturday while his wife stays home to look after his elderly mother and father. Women who spend years doing a second shift in their twenties and thirties and then again in their own fifties and sixties. Women who don't go to their own doctor's appointments because they can't find a babysitter for mom, so mom gets medical care while her daughter ends up with some undiagnosed disease until it's too late. It's amazing how often we undervalue women's labor and overlook the sheer amounts of work they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are missing the fact that if there was a legal way to euthanize seniors, you'd have POS kids trying to off their parents prematurely so they can get their inheritance.

Honestly there boomers are planning to drain every cent

If the « boomers » you are referring to worked hard and scrimped and saved to have enough to pay for their retirement, why shouldn’t every cent of that money be used for their care? That’s what they saved for, that’s what the money is there for.

New poster here

I know of many boomers (my parents included) that for their money not from working hard/scrimping and saving, but from inheritance from their greatest generation parents. Greatest generation worked hard and scrimped and saved. I have not seen the same in boomers as a generation (obviously there are individuals who did.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People all over the world care for their parents at home. I dont understand this issue and ehy we should be so different. And at some point won't robots do a lot of this care anyway?

I don't know which other countries you're talking about but there's a lot of variability. Our middle class relatives and friends in South America care for their aging parents in home but they also have housekeepers who come every day and do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Plus nurses who come to administer medicine and do other tasks that would cost thousands of dollars here. That's unheard of for anyone solidly middle class in this country and even a lot of UMC families.

This! We are a Middle /upper middle class South American family in NOVA. I take care of my mother with dementia. Our families in South America tell us to just use my mother’s nest egg to pay for her care. They have no clue how expensive care is over here. It is very common to see “nurses” pushing the elderly every afternoon in the local parks in their countries. The sons and daughters pretty much can continue with their lives; they work, party and travel without missing a beat. When they come to visit, and they ask to do touristy things, I have to remind them that I am tethered to my house. I can leave, but only for a few hours at a time.

[Anonymous]

I live in vilified Canada, have no kids to dump on, and have no understanding of why anybody wants to live with Alzheimers. I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio a few times a year. The minute I slip I'm going out with medical aid in dying, as a full human being. I have no wish to just wing it and see if middle stage Alzheimers isn't so bad, missing the window of opportunity. My assets aren't going to the elder care industry. But then I have anxiety and a panic disorder so I try and preplan everything. Normal people bury their heads in the sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're one and a half years into memory care and my mom's level of care just went up two levels due to noticeable decline and the progression of her dementia. Cost of her care is now almost $14k a month. Thankfully she and my dad scrimped and saved their whole lives, but she would be mortified if she was aware of the cost. I thought last year was bad, just under $160k for her memory care and various hospitalizations/rehabs, etc. This year looks like it's going to be worse. We save our kids whole lives for college. Triple that amount for elder care with no way to know how long those needs will last.

It's heartbreaking that she has dementia and her quality of life is so poor. And in order to maintain that poor quality of life she has to burn through a lifetime of savings. I really wish our country had alternative options. I know I could probably find her a cheaper place, but she's ten minutes away from me (so I can visit often) and the care she receives truly is amazing. I am just sad over the whole situation.

Nurse here. I have told my children MANY times, if this is my future, then they should do anything in their power to hasten my demise. Dementia is a HORRIBLE disease and the quality of life that many "enjoy" is not worth it, for me, in my eyes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People all over the world care for their parents at home. I dont understand this issue and ehy we should be so different. And at some point won't robots do a lot of this care anyway?

I don't know which other countries you're talking about but there's a lot of variability. Our middle class relatives and friends in South America care for their aging parents in home but they also have housekeepers who come every day and do all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Plus nurses who come to administer medicine and do other tasks that would cost thousands of dollars here. That's unheard of for anyone solidly middle class in this country and even a lot of UMC families.

This! We are a Middle /upper middle class South American family in NOVA. I take care of my mother with dementia. Our families in South America tell us to just use my mother’s nest egg to pay for her care. They have no clue how expensive care is over here. It is very common to see “nurses” pushing the elderly every afternoon in the local parks in their countries. The sons and daughters pretty much can continue with their lives; they work, party and travel without missing a beat. When they come to visit, and they ask to do touristy things, I have to remind them that I am tethered to my house. I can leave, but only for a few hours at a time.

We were just in Spain and our hotel was very near a nursing home facility. I was out shopping at the late afternoon and there were lots and lots of nurses pushing elderly strike or dementia payments in wheelchairs stoning the neighborhood. My grandparents were immigrants and my family absolutely would have cared for my grandmother with Alzheimer’s in home but it was not possible or safe to do so. (We did care for my other grandmother in our hkme until her death.). It’s just not particularly feasible to care for dementia patients at hkme. I have one relative who did it, but she had to buy a new house, install special locks, and hire a rotating shift of 3 nurses. I don’t believe people in other countries are regularly caring for advanced dementia patients at home — there’s a big difference between that and “grandma forgets who the president is and thinks my daughter is me.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "people" who care for elderly people at home are nearly always women, and many of this women end up quitting their own jobs and sabotaging their own futures in order to do so. We act like this is natural and like it doesn't harm anyone. This isn't true. it's exhausting, thankless work and many of the arguments about the second shift and women doing twice as much around the house that occurred when there were young children in the home can resurface again when there are elderly people in the home requiring care. Scenarios like a guy who still golfs every Saturday while his wife stays home to look after his elderly mother and father. Women who spend years doing a second shift in their twenties and thirties and then again in their own fifties and sixties. Women who don't go to their own doctor's appointments because they can't find a babysitter for mom, so mom gets medical care while her daughter ends up with some undiagnosed disease until it's too late. It's amazing how often we undervalue women's labor and overlook the sheer amounts of work they do.

So true. I cared for my mom for almost 3 years during her battle with leukemia. Is exhausting and you absolutely end up burning out. She has passed and I’m still dealing with getting myself back on track six months later.

I’m a single mom with an only child - I absolutely do not want to burden him and would rather pass on with dignity before it gets to the point of having to be in a home or under constant care.

And Medicaid facilities are awful - I’ve witnessed a family member go through it and don’t wish it on anyone. People are so poorly treated 😔

[Anonymous]

OP with an update- add in $36/ hour (weekdays) and $38/ hour (weekends) to the cost. Hospice has been started and she’s had five falls in six weeks. She is no longer safe without a one-on-one round the clock caregiver.

Choices are let her fall to the point of needing hospitalization (which she will never recover from, fast track to the end) or try to keep her as safe as possible in her comfortable memory care home so her end will come somewhere she feels safe, without needles and beeping and interruptions. Someone upthread pointed out that this is exactly what my parents saved for- so they didn’t have to be a financial burden on us but had the means to afford care in their old age. I’d rather pay an extra $10k/$20k/$30k or more to keep my mom as comfortable as possible during this time. I’m not necessarily trying to prolong her life- her quality of life is horrific at this point- but the hospital setting has always been so traumatic and scary for her.

The good news is my brother moved up his planned September trip to next week and we’re trying to get the adult grandchildren who are scattered around the country to come back next week for a few days to visit.

Thanks for letting me have a place to vent and to throw things out into the universe. This situation is just the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she live with you and have care in your home?

No, I looked into that prior to moving her to memory care. I could have converted a room on the main level into a bedroom but my house doesn't have a main level full bath. And the cost of in-home care was actually exponentially higher than memory care. I know I should feel lucky that she was at the lowest care level until now but this stings. The increase is significant.

Being in a facility is actually better for the patient. Safer (locked/controlled areas), interaction with more people helps the brain (in the earlier stages especially) and as you stated, is more affordable. Good quality round the clock care is $$$$$$$ and in your own home, you cannot guarantee safety without that 24/7 care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "people" who care for elderly people at home are nearly always women, and many of this women end up quitting their own jobs and sabotaging their own futures in order to do so. We act like this is natural and like it doesn't harm anyone. This isn't true. it's exhausting, thankless work and many of the arguments about the second shift and women doing twice as much around the house that occurred when there were young children in the home can resurface again when there are elderly people in the home requiring care. Scenarios like a guy who still golfs every Saturday while his wife stays home to look after his elderly mother and father. Women who spend years doing a second shift in their twenties and thirties and then again in their own fifties and sixties. Women who don't go to their own doctor's appointments because they can't find a babysitter for mom, so mom gets medical care while her daughter ends up with some undiagnosed disease until it's too late. It's amazing how often we undervalue women's labor and overlook the sheer amounts of work they do.

So true. I cared for my mom for almost 3 years during her battle with leukemia. Is exhausting and you absolutely end up burning out. She has passed and I’m still dealing with getting myself back on track six months later.

I’m a single mom with an only child - I absolutely do not want to burden him and would rather pass on with dignity before it gets to the point of having to be in a home or under constant care.

And Medicaid facilities are awful - I’ve witnessed a family member go through it and don’t wish it on anyone. People are so poorly treated 😔

That is why retirement planning should include (IMO) $$$ for at least 3-4 years of care in your old age (at the $14K+/month)

[Anonymous]

I'm going out with medical aid in dying

How exactly? What are the options in the US?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are missing the fact that if there was a legal way to euthanize seniors, you'd have POS kids trying to off their parents prematurely so they can get their inheritance.

Honestly there boomers are planning to drain every cent

If the « boomers » you are referring to worked hard and scrimped and saved to have enough to pay for their retirement, why shouldn’t every cent of that money be used for their care? That’s what they saved for, that’s what the money is there for.

They can have saved all they want. They’ll have to pay through their nose for decent care for their useless selves in old age. And people will be resentful that so much money is being spent on a useless person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in vilified Canada, have no kids to dump on, and have no understanding of why anybody wants to live with Alzheimers. I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio a few times a year. The minute I slip I'm going out with medical aid in dying, as a full human being. I have no wish to just wing it and see if middle stage Alzheimers isn't so bad, missing the window of opportunity. My assets aren't going to the elder care industry. But then I have anxiety and a panic disorder so I try and preplan everything. Normal people bury their heads in the sand.

You didn’t need to mention your anxiety; by the fact that you are taking the test a few times a year I already knew
I’ll tell you what happens “once you start slipping”: you’ll get so overwhelmed with planning your exit and so anxious that you’ll never go through with it.
Just live your life while and the way you can and don’t try to harness the future

[Anonymous]

My other is turning 90 this week and going on her third year in memory care at about $11,000 a month. Fortunately, my dad, who died three years ago, invested in long-term care insurance that covers some of it and she gets nearly that amount in his pension from a large accounting firm. Fortunately for them, my dad's work terms were all pre-boomers ruining everything. Thanks to the boomers, nobody has pensions anymore. We all have to gamble on our futures by investing in the markets and hoping there's enough to avoid burdening our children. What's the solution? Stop taking drugs that keep your body healthier far longer than it was meant to, and longer than your brain. Once the dementia starts, end the statins, end the blood pressure meds, stop it all, and die naturally. Until science for the brain catches up to science for the heart, we should stop all the meds and die naturally when we were intended to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are missing the fact that if there was a legal way to euthanize seniors, you'd have POS kids trying to off their parents prematurely so they can get their inheritance.

I mean, it’s hard to justify that for most under about 75-80, and honestly 80 is more than enough as a lifespan.