Is this unreasonable? Saying no to two trips?

[Anonymous]

"I'm so sick of listening to all these women complain and then do NOTHING about it."


They won't ..
Husband probably ADHD/PTSD
She doesn't wanna give up her lifestyle/big house or ruin her kids for staying put ..

Let them eat!

[Anonymous]

Really discouraging to see all the posters blaming OP for having a husband who dumps the mental load on her.

OP, go get a copy of All the Rage. This is messed up (and too familiar)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Do you really though, or are you putting that on yourself?
Just tell him you would like to take a similar weekend away yourself. Ask him if weekend A or B would be better but leave him to figure out how to make it work as he did for you. He can take vacation day, arrange a sitter, get his parents to come visit.. not your problem. You might be surprised that he can rise to the challenge. If he can't, then it's time for a conversation about your need for some time to do fun things and fairness.
Similarly, if what you want is a weekend away together, tell him that! "I think it's great that you are able to get away with friends - but really would love if we could figure out a way to make it work so we could do something like that together. Can we brainstorm together on whether there's a way we could pull that off?

FWIW my own husband has figured out how to handle me being away for a week when our kids were one and two and two weeks when they were 6 and 7. He took the lead on figuring out childcare, arranging time off work, planning fun adventures. He regularly encourages me to go on trips with friends.

I agree with others that his request is totally reasonable (unless you have infant triplets or something) and that your marriage will be better for making good things happen for each other if he's not trying to run off every weekend. Instead of saying No to him, articulate what you want yourself and work with him to make it happen. You come across as being a bit petty and not wanting him to have fun if you cannot and a bit martyr-ish in assuming that he can't do the same for you.

Dear god, do you really talk like that? He just announces that he will be gone and expects her to deal, no discussion. But she's supposed to be like oh sweetie pie, I would so love it if you would indulge me in just one little weekend. Of course I adore your travel! But let's pretty please find a way for me to have a tiny bit of what you're demanding of me. Sincerely your submissive wife who has to tiptoe around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really discouraging to see all the posters blaming OP for having a husband who dumps the mental load on her.

OP, go get a copy of All the Rage. This is messed up (and too familiar)

At a certain point, OP has to take some of the blame though. She stays quiet in her resentment about the situation instead of communicating the issues . That's on her. Is most of the blame on her husband? Yes. But she needs to communicate how she feels

[Anonymous]

You need to think about this holistically OP, and have an overall discussion about mental load and work sharing with your DH. Carve these specific trips out of the equation.

For example, I would not only say yes, I would do anything in my power to support my DH going on those trips.

Why? Because although I am also the “default” parent due to DH’s long hours, and I also take on most of the mental load, my DH is fully present whenever he’s not working, and he does whatever he can to give *me* the types of breaks I need. I don’t care for weekends away, but I do like occasional weeknights out with friends and sleeping in on weekend mornings. He is very reliable in enabling those things. If he wasn’t then I would be unhappy, like you are.

So figure out together what you want, and how to structure your life to get it. Think about what is actually reasonable for each of you to handle vs. what you just need to throw money at in this season of life. Put those systems in place so that you are both generally happy to accommodate these requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really discouraging to see all the posters blaming OP for having a husband who dumps the mental load on her.

OP, go get a copy of All the Rage. This is messed up (and too familiar)

At a certain point, OP has to take some of the blame though. She stays quiet in her resentment about the situation instead of communicating the issues . That's on her. Is most of the blame on her husband? Yes. But she needs to communicate how she feels

Yes, she needs to speak up. But also, if he's asking if it's OK, she gets to say no. If he's actually telling her he's going, she gets to tell him fine, she's going to spend a weekend away soon, and which of these weekends works for him?

And no one should be acting as though default parent is such an easy job that she's worth less than him and that what she wants matters less

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Do you really though, or are you putting that on yourself?
Just tell him you would like to take a similar weekend away yourself. Ask him if weekend A or B would be better but leave him to figure out how to make it work as he did for you. He can take vacation day, arrange a sitter, get his parents to come visit.. not your problem. You might be surprised that he can rise to the challenge. If he can't, then it's time for a conversation about your need for some time to do fun things and fairness.
Similarly, if what you want is a weekend away together, tell him that! "I think it's great that you are able to get away with friends - but really would love if we could figure out a way to make it work so we could do something like that together. Can we brainstorm together on whether there's a way we could pull that off?

FWIW my own husband has figured out how to handle me being away for a week when our kids were one and two and two weeks when they were 6 and 7. He took the lead on figuring out childcare, arranging time off work, planning fun adventures. He regularly encourages me to go on trips with friends.

I agree with others that his request is totally reasonable (unless you have infant triplets or something) and that your marriage will be better for making good things happen for each other if he's not trying to run off every weekend. Instead of saying No to him, articulate what you want yourself and work with him to make it happen. You come across as being a bit petty and not wanting him to have fun if you cannot and a bit martyr-ish in assuming that he can't do the same for you.

Dear god, do you really talk like that? He just announces that he will be gone and expects her to deal, no discussion. But she's supposed to be like oh sweetie pie, I would so love it if you would indulge me in just one little weekend. Of course I adore your travel! But let's pretty please find a way for me to have a tiny bit of what you're demanding of me. Sincerely your submissive wife who has to tiptoe around you.

Facts! 😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the issue that you don’t want him to go, or that you’re mad that he can go wherever whenever because you make it work and he couldn’t/wouldn’t if the tables were turned? Because if it’s the latter, you should tell him you’re delighted for him to have this great opportunity with his friends, but you realized that you’re feeling kind of resentful because it’s not possible for you to do the same kind of thing and you would like to think about ways of changing things going forward. In my marriage things are set up DH can do that and I can’t and we both recognize that, and he is grateful that I am taking that hit to enable him to do what he needs and/or wants to do. The recognition and gratitude go a long way.

But that would require OP to use her words and tell her husband how she feels instead of just stewing and posting about it on an anonymous internet forum. If she discusses it with him and things get better then what would she do with her time?

Was that unnecessarily harsh? Probably. But as a woman who has fought at all her jobs for equal treatment/pay and refused to be treated differently because I'm a woman, I'm so sick of listening to all these women complain and then do NOTHING about it.

Glad all the men in your life have responded positively to you standing up for yourself, but did you ever think that we haven’t progressed very far in terms of equality not because of other women not fighting hard enough but because of men refusing to cede power? Get back to me when you’ve had an obligation, your DH has an obligation, and rather than sitting down and compromising on schedules and coverage, he just leaves at 5 am so you’re stuck holding the bag. Or another man on your team just doesn’t finish his slides because he knows you’re the one taking the presentation to a client the next day so you’ll look bad, not him. You have NO idea.

Um, they didn't. And one of the worst people I had to fight with was a woman! But it's so much easier for you to dismiss what I'm saying because you think it's been easy. So congrats I guess?

I wouldn't be married to someone who would just up and leave at 5 am without having a conversation so that sounds like a you problem...

[Anonymous]

1. Plan your own trips far in advance with your friends. Your DH will make his work schedule around it, he wont commit to travel while you’re gone.

2. Don’t be a mommy martyr. My DW just took her first girls trip in 5 years, they planned it far in advance and even up to the last minute my DW was thinking of canceling because of the kids. Guess what? Kids were 100% fine. I handled school routine and weekend activities. Every one ate, used the toilet, bathed. My DW made excuses for years.

3. Ask him to grab the train to NYC on Friday morning so he can help with Thursday routine. Coming back late Sunday is fine. A “road trip” to NYC is not enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

OP, the issue isn’t these trips (which I 100% think your DH should take), it’s the fact that it doesn’t feel like a fair load. You and your husband need to spend some time working through the unfair load on how you carry the bulk of the responsibility because your job is more stable.

There is no reason you can’t plan your own trips and let your husband sort the details. Every parent should be capable of caring for their own children.

[Anonymous]

You are being ridiculous. Two trips is fine.

-a woman