Is this unreasonable? Saying no to two trips?

[Anonymous]

My H is like this. It's not horrible to say no. I also take my own trips and let him figure out childcare.

[Anonymous]

You're being unreasonable. One is work, one is friends, neither is very long. This all seems normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Ah, so it's not you wishing you could take a trip with friends - you want to do something with him. And you feel like he doesn't have time for that, but somehow has so much time for all this.

I don't blame you for being upset. Do you feel like you can talk to him about this? Or do you feel like the fact you even have to talk to him about this, is already too upsetting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Next month my DH is going on an optional team building summit with some of his colleagues, for four days mid-week Am I horrible to say no, if you can get a four day weekend off of work, it’s MY turn?

I can virtually guarantee that while this is presented as "optional" it is not; attending these work events is important. As someone who has travelled extensively for years these events are draining. Taking a weekend to go play golf with friends a few weeks later sounds like a good way to decompress. Saying "it's MY turn" doesn't make you horrible but it does seem like you are looking at this through a singular lens. Giving your spouse down time and space can be good for you both as individuals and good for the relationship. Are you overthinking this? I would say, no, you are under-thinking things. A lot of relationships can grow when each party shows grace and understanding of the other person's perspective.

[Anonymous]

If he was going on trips EVERY month, I’d agree with you. But if I understand you correctly, these are not regular events, but rather isolated occurrences that are coincidentally close together. Assuming that he hasn’t gone on other trips recently and is unlikely to go on others in the near future, I think it’s unreasonable to say no to the two trips.

That being said, I understand your frustration dealing with his share of the household/kids burden, while he’s off playing. I think you should make things as easy as possible for yourself. Order dinner, ease up on screen regulations, etc. If it gets to be too much, hire a babysitter and take an evening off. Moreover, you don’t need to wait for a trip to balance things. I think it would be fine to remind him, sometimes, of how understanding you were, when you ask him to watch the kids while you sleep in, go shopping with friends, go see a show, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need an independent opinion on whether I’m being reasonable or if I’m stressed and overthinking this.

Next month my DH is going on an optional team building summit with some of his colleagues, for four days mid-week. It’s a fun trip, he isn’t obligated to go and is choosing to attend, but will be paid while there, and his hotel and expenses are being comped. It’s aLao in a fun city so they have dinner plans and golf tee times already set. All of this to say, it’ll be a fun, relaxing experience. He’s really looking forward to it, and I am happy he’s going and actually looking forward to the week—I’ve taken it off to just have the house to myself. But we do have kids and I will still have that responsibility.

Now, all of a sudden, he and a few of his good friends have been talking about driving to NYC to meet another mutual friend who will be there in June. They want to make it a long weekend, leaving sometime Thursday and returning late Sunday. Maybe I’m being irrational, but I’m finding this sort of selfish and I think it’s unfair he is trying to plan another trip away less than a month after his work summit.

I know you’re going to say, so plan your own getaway. That’s nice in theory, but everything has to align to make it happen, like DH’s often off work schedule lining up with a time my friends can take off and have childcare, too. Am I horrible to say no, if you can get a four day weekend off of work, it’s MY turn?

Yes, you are horrible. You don’t actually have anything planned and just want to be a controlling PITA. Being married to you sounds grim.

and the troll enters the discussion! why are some people so judgy and mean?? go rain elsewhere, gray cloud. OP was asking for perspective, namecalling is not necessary.

[Anonymous]

I get that this is a pain. Taking your own trip (and doing lots of work to plan and prep for it) doesn't change the fact that you're in for a stressful few weeks of parenting without him. And that's annoying.

If you don't want a trip, I would plan on a few Saturdays completely off duty. He has to deal with all kid stuff and you get time to yourself. Make him feel how annoying it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to do a weekend away? Have you even asked him to make his work schedule work for you to take a long weekend away? I don't know you just seem to be talking about fairness and about it being your turn but it doesn't seem like you've even talked to him about it. For all you know he could say "sure, I can work my schedule out so I you can go away for a few days"

You’re right. I think I’m realizing now that my issue is that he doesn’t ask, he just tells, because his going away doesn’t affect my schedule at all. I’m a little resentful of that, I think.

Totally this. It's very rude of him.

[Anonymous]

As others have said. The first trip isn't really optional if your DH wants to advance in his career he has to go many times the difference between getting a promotion and not is who showed up and who didn't .

As for the second trip bonding with friends is good.


It doesn't seem like he's doing this often. So yes saying no just to say no just to be a PITA because you can't advocate for yourself is unreasonable and childish.

Maybe you should take a page out of his book. Plan a trip for yourself or with your friends and inform him you are going. He'll figure it out and your kids will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Are you just saying no because you didn’t get a trip? I mean is it his fault that you haven’t built a better social network?

If you’re saying no because you don’t feel like doing the childcare, you can hire help.

If there’s something going on like you have a seriously ill kid or family member that makes it a really bad time, I get it. Or if the money is t there and you’re not going to be able to pay your bills, then no is the right answer. Or if the family had plans and you bought tickets. But to say no just because he recently had a trip is really mean.

[Anonymous]

Yeah .. It's rude that he's milking those work plans and extending them into vacay with the buddies without confirming w you..

[Anonymous]

Do you feel like he is truly taking you for granted? Or not treating you as an equal partner, by presenting both trips as foregone conclusions or not offering some sort of a disclaimer/signal that what he's asking for is not fair to you? If so, why? Are there other things that you think also show him taking you for granted? Do you feel left out/excluded?

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed and the bigger issue is that it sounds like you are not okay with being a default parent. At the same time, he has the freedom to accept whatever invitations he wants and plan trips with friends without considering how it impacts you. So, can you get yourself out of the default parent situation that you're in? Stop being so available; tell him he can't assume that there is coverage for the kids anytime they don't have school or childcare arranged. This means you can't accept meetings, calls, or travel before 9 am or after 7 pm without asking each other first, because we both work and our kids have busy and conflicting activities.

Alternatively, you can do what he does and just plan a trip for yourself and notify him that he needs to rearrange anything on his schedule that conflicts with parenting while you are gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to do a weekend away? Have you even asked him to make his work schedule work for you to take a long weekend away? I don't know you just seem to be talking about fairness and about it being your turn but it doesn't seem like you've even talked to him about it. For all you know he could say "sure, I can work my schedule out so I you can go away for a few days"

You’re right. I think I’m realizing now that my issue is that he doesn’t ask, he just tells, because his going away doesn’t affect my schedule at all. I’m a little resentful of that, I think.

That’s my DH. He always says I can go away whenever I want, but then when I plan something he has 50 reasons for why he can’t make dropoff and pickup happen that week because work is busy or whatever. And then the kids freak out because he doesn’t make meals and can’t help with hair or school uniforms. And then if I try to plan something, none of my friends are free anyway.

The truth is that DH and his friends have the bandwidth and support at home to meet up and travel together, and my friends and I don’t plan things because they’re in the same situation with their DHs.

It is what it is so I make the most of when DH is gone. I randomly repaint rooms, get food only I like for dinner, and let the kids watch all the tv they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

I understand this. I’m also the default childcare. DH’s schedule is erratic. Sometimes he works late. Sometimes he works nights. If he wants to leave for a week, it’s no big deal. I’ve got it covered.
Meanwhile, if I want to leave for a long weekend it needs to be planned 6 months in advance, and he needs to take off work. Sometimes it feels unfair, and I know that he will never, never get what it’s like to always have to consider the kids and childcare with every decision you make. To never go in early or stay late or go on the team building trip that might advance your career without planning far ahead and making childcare arrangements.

Of course, the flip side of being able to leave for a week whenever you want to and not being needed for your family is that you are appreciated when you are around, but you aren’t really needed by your family.