Is this unreasonable? Saying no to two trips?

[Anonymous]

It's only your turn if you wanted to plan something but were holding off for some reason.

Do you want to go somewhere?

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to him about your resentment about this set up. I would be annoyed too. But it's not fair for you to stew about it and be angry at him and then not talk to him about it.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both travel for fun and for work. His work trips pretty much always suck, some of mine are optional and fun. We never count who does what when, we just make the trips happen for each other.

I get that you're jealous of him getting to take two trips, but I'd let him do it. You're not getting nothing out of the work trip time since you're taking time off to enjoy by yourself when the kids are at school, and I'm sure at some point you could end up with two trips in a row and would want to do them both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up and plan better to go with friends or go somewhere yourself. Controlling someone else and preventing them from enjoying their life never ends well.

I see your point, but I’m not controlling him, just asking for balance.

But you're asking for balance within a four-month period of time. Consider the balance over ten years of marriage, or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Why? Tell him you're going out of town and let him figure out the childcare if his work schedule is an issue.

I don't get this - when I go out of town I just talk to my husband and the dates and then I leave. He is in charge of figuring out how to deal with everything when I'm gone. Same with if he leaves. I don't say well you have to plan for this and that. Just go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Why? Tell him you're going out of town and let him figure out the childcare if his work schedule is an issue.

I don't get this - when I go out of town I just talk to my husband and the dates and then I leave. He is in charge of figuring out how to deal with everything when I'm gone. Same with if he leaves. I don't say well you have to plan for this and that. Just go.

My best friend was telling me once how hard she was working to line up babysitters and such because she and her husband were going to be out of town for four days for a wedding with two younger elementary kids staying at home. They had practices and all sorts of things and they don't have a lot of money so she was trying to figure out who could help for free, etc. I then realized that the person getting married was a former colleague of her husband who she had never even met, and I was like HE should be doing all of this, not you! Insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to do a weekend away? Have you even asked him to make his work schedule work for you to take a long weekend away? I don't know you just seem to be talking about fairness and about it being your turn but it doesn't seem like you've even talked to him about it. For all you know he could say "sure, I can work my schedule out so I you can go away for a few days"

You’re right. I think I’m realizing now that my issue is that he doesn’t ask, he just tells, because his going away doesn’t affect my schedule at all. I’m a little resentful of that, I think.

That’s my DH. He always says I can go away whenever I want, but then when I plan something he has 50 reasons for why he can’t make dropoff and pickup happen that week because work is busy or whatever. And then the kids freak out because he doesn’t make meals and can’t help with hair or school uniforms. And then if I try to plan something, none of my friends are free anyway.

The truth is that DH and his friends have the bandwidth and support at home to meet up and travel together, and my friends and I don’t plan things because they’re in the same situation with their DHs.

It is what it is so I make the most of when DH is gone. I randomly repaint rooms, get food only I like for dinner, and let the kids watch all the tv they want.

What does this even mean?! He doesn't know how clothes get put on? I mean, seriously. It feels like you're actually enabling this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up and plan better to go with friends or go somewhere yourself. Controlling someone else and preventing them from enjoying their life never ends well.

I see your point, but I’m not controlling him, just asking for balance.

But you're asking for balance within a four-month period of time. Consider the balance over ten years of marriage, or more.

This is ridiculous. The balance needs to happen NOW, not in five/10/however many years when the childcare situation is changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

I understand this. I’m also the default childcare. DH’s schedule is erratic. Sometimes he works late. Sometimes he works nights. If he wants to leave for a week, it’s no big deal. I’ve got it covered.
Meanwhile, if I want to leave for a long weekend it needs to be planned 6 months in advance, and he needs to take off work. Sometimes it feels unfair, and I know that he will never, never get what it’s like to always have to consider the kids and childcare with every decision you make. To never go in early or stay late or go on the team building trip that might advance your career without planning far ahead and making childcare arrangements.

Of course, the flip side of being able to leave for a week whenever you want to and not being needed for your family is that you are appreciated when you are around, but you aren’t really needed by your family.

Is his schedule erratic because it's shift work or because he just refuses to commit to a schedule?

If he's a surgeon, then ok, he can't control when he's on the schedule and having to plan ahead makes sense because that's the nature of his job, and it's not his fault.

If he's a lawyer and he just works late or works weekends when he feels like it, then just plan a trip and let him figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up and plan better to go with friends or go somewhere yourself. Controlling someone else and preventing them from enjoying their life never ends well.

I see your point, but I’m not controlling him, just asking for balance.

But you're asking for balance within a four-month period of time. Consider the balance over ten years of marriage, or more.

This is ridiculous. The balance needs to happen NOW, not in five/10/however many years when the childcare situation is changed.

Why? Some years I travel more than my husband. Some years he travels more than me. If each of us decided that the other had to travel the exact same amount in a four-month period then neither of us would probably ever go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Why? Tell him you're going out of town and let him figure out the childcare if his work schedule is an issue.

I don't get this - when I go out of town I just talk to my husband and the dates and then I leave. He is in charge of figuring out how to deal with everything when I'm gone. Same with if he leaves. I don't say well you have to plan for this and that. Just go.

I did this once. I was chief resident and went to the chief conference for my specialty. DH called me frequently to tell me how awful I was for doing this to him. When he had to work, he took the kids to my parents house. Then they called and told me how irresponsible I was to just leave with no childcare for my kids. Neither my parents or my husband showed up to my graduation a few months later. I just went and brought my kids. I felt so awful and guilty.

This was 10+ years ago, and things are different in my marriage now, but don’t discount how entrenched gender roles can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to do a weekend away? Have you even asked him to make his work schedule work for you to take a long weekend away? I don't know you just seem to be talking about fairness and about it being your turn but it doesn't seem like you've even talked to him about it. For all you know he could say "sure, I can work my schedule out so I you can go away for a few days"

You’re right. I think I’m realizing now that my issue is that he doesn’t ask, he just tells, because his going away doesn’t affect my schedule at all. I’m a little resentful of that, I think.

That’s my DH. He always says I can go away whenever I want, but then when I plan something he has 50 reasons for why he can’t make dropoff and pickup happen that week because work is busy or whatever. And then the kids freak out because he doesn’t make meals and can’t help with hair or school uniforms. And then if I try to plan something, none of my friends are free anyway.

The truth is that DH and his friends have the bandwidth and support at home to meet up and travel together, and my friends and I don’t plan things because they’re in the same situation with their DHs.

It is what it is so I make the most of when DH is gone. I randomly repaint rooms, get food only I like for dinner, and let the kids watch all the tv they want.

What does this even mean?! He doesn't know how clothes get put on? I mean, seriously. It feels like you're actually enabling this behavior.

I mean, pretty much. Last time they took dress cuts because he had them half in uniform and half not. I fully agree that it was ridiculous. But I won’t have my kids punished because DH doesn’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said. The first trip isn't really optional if your DH wants to advance in his career he has to go many times the difference between getting a promotion and not is who showed up and who didn't .

As for the second trip bonding with friends is good.


It doesn't seem like he's doing this often. So yes saying no just to say no just to be a PITA because you can't advocate for yourself is unreasonable and childish.

Maybe you should take a page out of his book. Plan a trip for yourself or with your friends and inform him you are going. He'll figure it out and your kids will be okay.

+1000. OP sounds like such a killjoy.

[Anonymous]

Is the issue that you don’t want him to go, or that you’re mad that he can go wherever whenever because you make it work and he couldn’t/wouldn’t if the tables were turned? Because if it’s the latter, you should tell him you’re delighted for him to have this great opportunity with his friends, but you realized that you’re feeling kind of resentful because it’s not possible for you to do the same kind of thing and you would like to think about ways of changing things going forward. In my marriage things are set up DH can do that and I can’t and we both recognize that, and he is grateful that I am taking that hit to enable him to do what he needs and/or wants to do. The recognition and gratitude go a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to do a weekend away? Have you even asked him to make his work schedule work for you to take a long weekend away? I don't know you just seem to be talking about fairness and about it being your turn but it doesn't seem like you've even talked to him about it. For all you know he could say "sure, I can work my schedule out so I you can go away for a few days"

You’re right. I think I’m realizing now that my issue is that he doesn’t ask, he just tells, because his going away doesn’t affect my schedule at all. I’m a little resentful of that, I think.

Mine did that when he was cheating. Most of the things were fake or the added on time was when the Ap showed up.