Is this unreasonable? Saying no to two trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would not bother me at all unless my husband did it on a regular basis.the fact that two fun events for him happen to be four weeks apart isn’t his fault. He didn’t set the schedule for the work trip or pick the time the friend would be in NYC.

I agree with you, except that it wouldn't bother me even if he did it regularly. You could just hire whatever help you think is necessary and plan your own fun trip.

[Anonymous]

If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

This is the problem. You’re the default bc of your 9-5. What you’re seeing is the creep of being the steady person who keeps things together. These trips aren’t the problem, the dynamic is.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be too bothered about 2 short trips close together - opportunities don’t always come in a steady pattern KWIM?

But you need to do the same. And YES no matter what his job is- he needs to find a way to handle the kids alone when you are gone. As you do when he travels. You don’t need to ask permission any more than he does, as long as you are giving reasonable notice. If that means he needs to hire sitters, take some vacation time, or ask for help from family or whatever - fine. He must figure it out. I totally understand being the primary parent (I am too, and used to be a SAHM) but it isn’t 24/7/365. He can be expected to be flexible at least here and there.

[Anonymous]

It’s not really optional. Just consider it a work trip albeit one that’s fairly pleasant.

Don’t take time off from your own job because that’s just teaching him you’re ok with his behavior. If you like him having his own time for a work trip and a guys trip, because that’s your belief in what a wife should do, then prioritize your life so you’re 100% comfortable emotionally and physically so he can do this and you’re as certain as anyone can be that you or he’s not cheating or tempted to cheat. If that sounds wacky, lots of groups do this - religious groups, astronaut families, athlete families, musician families, etc. where one person is the focus. If you don’t want to live that way, tell him now that what he’s doing isn’t acceptable - and go with him. If he prefers the guys trip to you, you don’t have to stay with him. But you’d have to be prepared to actually leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Why? Tell him you're going out of town and let him figure out the childcare if his work schedule is an issue.

I don't get this - when I go out of town I just talk to my husband and the dates and then I leave. He is in charge of figuring out how to deal with everything when I'm gone. Same with if he leaves. I don't say well you have to plan for this and that. Just go.

I did this once. I was chief resident and went to the chief conference for my specialty. DH called me frequently to tell me how awful I was for doing this to him. When he had to work, he took the kids to my parents house. Then they called and told me how irresponsible I was to just leave with no childcare for my kids. Neither my parents or my husband showed up to my graduation a few months later. I just went and brought my kids. I felt so awful and guilty.

This was 10+ years ago, and things are different in my marriage now, but don’t discount how entrenched gender roles can be.

Ok, and what are you doing to change those entrenched gender roles? Acquiescing and never leaving your husband with your kids again? Telling your parents they're right? Stop being a door mat. Tell your parents and your husband that they're a-holes. I sure hope you're setting a better example for your kids but it sounds like you're just perpetuating this antiquated notion that men don't know how to take care of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to do a weekend away? Have you even asked him to make his work schedule work for you to take a long weekend away? I don't know you just seem to be talking about fairness and about it being your turn but it doesn't seem like you've even talked to him about it. For all you know he could say "sure, I can work my schedule out so I you can go away for a few days"

You’re right. I think I’m realizing now that my issue is that he doesn’t ask, he just tells, because his going away doesn’t affect my schedule at all. I’m a little resentful of that, I think.

That’s my DH. He always says I can go away whenever I want, but then when I plan something he has 50 reasons for why he can’t make dropoff and pickup happen that week because work is busy or whatever. And then the kids freak out because he doesn’t make meals and can’t help with hair or school uniforms. And then if I try to plan something, none of my friends are free anyway.

The truth is that DH and his friends have the bandwidth and support at home to meet up and travel together, and my friends and I don’t plan things because they’re in the same situation with their DHs.

It is what it is so I make the most of when DH is gone. I randomly repaint rooms, get food only I like for dinner, and let the kids watch all the tv they want.

What does this even mean?! He doesn't know how clothes get put on? I mean, seriously. It feels like you're actually enabling this behavior.

I mean, pretty much. Last time they took dress cuts because he had them half in uniform and half not. I fully agree that it was ridiculous. But I won’t have my kids punished because DH doesn’t care.

If your kids are old enough to be wearing uniforms, they are old enough to know what exactly the uniform consists of. But it doesn't matter, you'll just keep making excuses. Enjoy that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the issue that you don’t want him to go, or that you’re mad that he can go wherever whenever because you make it work and he couldn’t/wouldn’t if the tables were turned? Because if it’s the latter, you should tell him you’re delighted for him to have this great opportunity with his friends, but you realized that you’re feeling kind of resentful because it’s not possible for you to do the same kind of thing and you would like to think about ways of changing things going forward. In my marriage things are set up DH can do that and I can’t and we both recognize that, and he is grateful that I am taking that hit to enable him to do what he needs and/or wants to do. The recognition and gratitude go a long way.

But that would require OP to use her words and tell her husband how she feels instead of just stewing and posting about it on an anonymous internet forum. If she discusses it with him and things get better then what would she do with her time?

Was that unnecessarily harsh? Probably. But as a woman who has fought at all her jobs for equal treatment/pay and refused to be treated differently because I'm a woman, I'm so sick of listening to all these women complain and then do NOTHING about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Why? Tell him you're going out of town and let him figure out the childcare if his work schedule is an issue.

I don't get this - when I go out of town I just talk to my husband and the dates and then I leave. He is in charge of figuring out how to deal with everything when I'm gone. Same with if he leaves. I don't say well you have to plan for this and that. Just go.

I did this once. I was chief resident and went to the chief conference for my specialty. DH called me frequently to tell me how awful I was for doing this to him. When he had to work, he took the kids to my parents house. Then they called and told me how irresponsible I was to just leave with no childcare for my kids. Neither my parents or my husband showed up to my graduation a few months later. I just went and brought my kids. I felt so awful and guilty.

This was 10+ years ago, and things are different in my marriage now, but don’t discount how entrenched gender roles can be.

Jesus. I would rip my H a new one if he tried that with me. Put the phone on silent, and if he starts any BS, ask him what kind of terrible father can’t take care of his own children.

And your parents as well?! I would cut mine off if they skipped my graduation for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Well, maybe you should do that. Tell him since he has taken two trips, you are going to as well, and he will just have to not work in the evenings and handle the child care. Just leave and let him deal with everything. Express to him what you just said here.

[Anonymous]

OP, does your husband have to work weekends, or just evenings at times?

If weekend work isn't an issue, or if on the weekend he can work at home once the kids are asleep or while they are napping or playing etc, I'd focus on going away for a weekend and or taking Saturday and Sundays to yourself. Explain this to him - that this needs to be the tradeoff for him taking all these trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Why? Tell him you're going out of town and let him figure out the childcare if his work schedule is an issue.

I don't get this - when I go out of town I just talk to my husband and the dates and then I leave. He is in charge of figuring out how to deal with everything when I'm gone. Same with if he leaves. I don't say well you have to plan for this and that. Just go.

I did this once. I was chief resident and went to the chief conference for my specialty. DH called me frequently to tell me how awful I was for doing this to him. When he had to work, he took the kids to my parents house. Then they called and told me how irresponsible I was to just leave with no childcare for my kids. Neither my parents or my husband showed up to my graduation a few months later. I just went and brought my kids. I felt so awful and guilty.

This was 10+ years ago, and things are different in my marriage now, but don’t discount how entrenched gender roles can be.

Jesus. I would rip my H a new one if he tried that with me. Put the phone on silent, and if he starts any BS, ask him what kind of terrible father can’t take care of his own children.

And your parents as well?! I would cut mine off if they skipped my graduation for that.

For a residency graduation? You sound like you know how to maintain relationships...

[Anonymous]

I think you’re being incredibly unfair. Do you not like your husband? Such a crappy attitude toward his well being. And yes the answer is obviously plan your own trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's doing this twice in quick succession often - like he'll do it again in two months, then again in another two months - I think you're fine to ask him not to.

If he rarely does this but wants to now, I'd try to make it work.

Could you take a long weekend to go visit a friend you haven't seen for a while? Or is part of the issue that you don't find it fun to actually plan a trip for yourself like that, so you're kind of upset he's leaving and also wondering why you've made a life/personality where you can't enjoy yourself with friends in New York too? (I might feel that way... I have so many friends I'd in theory love to go visit and somehow I just never actually buy the plane tickets to do it.)

I think this is part of it. He doesn’t have to think, he just goes, because I’m there by default. I wish I could just spontaneously be like, you know what, I’m going out of town. My thing is, he just will have gone on this fun work trip with colleagues who are friends, too. If he can figure out how to have a four day weekend in June for himself, why can’t WE do something? Or why can’t I do something? If I want to do something, I have to make it work around his schedule.

Do you really though, or are you putting that on yourself?
Just tell him you would like to take a similar weekend away yourself. Ask him if weekend A or B would be better but leave him to figure out how to make it work as he did for you. He can take vacation day, arrange a sitter, get his parents to come visit.. not your problem. You might be surprised that he can rise to the challenge. If he can't, then it's time for a conversation about your need for some time to do fun things and fairness.
Similarly, if what you want is a weekend away together, tell him that! "I think it's great that you are able to get away with friends - but really would love if we could figure out a way to make it work so we could do something like that together. Can we brainstorm together on whether there's a way we could pull that off?

FWIW my own husband has figured out how to handle me being away for a week when our kids were one and two and two weeks when they were 6 and 7. He took the lead on figuring out childcare, arranging time off work, planning fun adventures. He regularly encourages me to go on trips with friends.

I agree with others that his request is totally reasonable (unless you have infant triplets or something) and that your marriage will be better for making good things happen for each other if he's not trying to run off every weekend. Instead of saying No to him, articulate what you want yourself and work with him to make it happen. You come across as being a bit petty and not wanting him to have fun if you cannot and a bit martyr-ish in assuming that he can't do the same for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the issue that you don’t want him to go, or that you’re mad that he can go wherever whenever because you make it work and he couldn’t/wouldn’t if the tables were turned? Because if it’s the latter, you should tell him you’re delighted for him to have this great opportunity with his friends, but you realized that you’re feeling kind of resentful because it’s not possible for you to do the same kind of thing and you would like to think about ways of changing things going forward. In my marriage things are set up DH can do that and I can’t and we both recognize that, and he is grateful that I am taking that hit to enable him to do what he needs and/or wants to do. The recognition and gratitude go a long way.

But that would require OP to use her words and tell her husband how she feels instead of just stewing and posting about it on an anonymous internet forum. If she discusses it with him and things get better then what would she do with her time?

Was that unnecessarily harsh? Probably. But as a woman who has fought at all her jobs for equal treatment/pay and refused to be treated differently because I'm a woman, I'm so sick of listening to all these women complain and then do NOTHING about it.

Pp you’re replying to. It’s funny because I’m a very old fashioned-y housewife type and I am also very tired of it. This should all be you two vs the problem (even if the problem is “I’m resentful!”) not you vs. him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the issue that you don’t want him to go, or that you’re mad that he can go wherever whenever because you make it work and he couldn’t/wouldn’t if the tables were turned? Because if it’s the latter, you should tell him you’re delighted for him to have this great opportunity with his friends, but you realized that you’re feeling kind of resentful because it’s not possible for you to do the same kind of thing and you would like to think about ways of changing things going forward. In my marriage things are set up DH can do that and I can’t and we both recognize that, and he is grateful that I am taking that hit to enable him to do what he needs and/or wants to do. The recognition and gratitude go a long way.

But that would require OP to use her words and tell her husband how she feels instead of just stewing and posting about it on an anonymous internet forum. If she discusses it with him and things get better then what would she do with her time?

Was that unnecessarily harsh? Probably. But as a woman who has fought at all her jobs for equal treatment/pay and refused to be treated differently because I'm a woman, I'm so sick of listening to all these women complain and then do NOTHING about it.

Glad all the men in your life have responded positively to you standing up for yourself, but did you ever think that we haven’t progressed very far in terms of equality not because of other women not fighting hard enough but because of men refusing to cede power? Get back to me when you’ve had an obligation, your DH has an obligation, and rather than sitting down and compromising on schedules and coverage, he just leaves at 5 am so you’re stuck holding the bag. Or another man on your team just doesn’t finish his slides because he knows you’re the one taking the presentation to a client the next day so you’ll look bad, not him. You have NO idea.