Expectant father - go back to high stress biglaw job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how this happened, but my husband and I are career feds (I’m a DOJ lawyer, hubs is a PhD scientist). We raised two kids in the close-in DC suburbs. Both are in college now. We live in a 1.7 M home and our combined net worth is $9M. It can be done if you save and invest wisely. I took 6 years off when the kids were small. Our starter home was very modest (but still close-in) and we learned to live on one government salary during those years. Spend time with your kid.

I don't think we're getting the full story here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go back to biglaw. The wealth you create for your family will do a lot more for the kids long term than your being there a few extra hours a day. You will be able to afford private school, let them attend any college they want, get the best tutoring and supplementation if necessary, take them on incredible international vacations and expose them to all the world has to offer. You will still be there as a dad, you just will be working a lot more and won’t have much time for yourself and your hobbies.

I know all this because this is the path we chose and it has been worth it.

This is the path my husband chose. We’re getting divorced after 20+ years of marriage with 2 teenagers. He was overworked and wasn’t home very much. His work prevented any significant vacations for a several years. He had a midlife crisis and decided he didn’t want work to consume his whole life. He wanted to have more fun and less responsibility, but we needed his income, so he kept the job and ditched his family. Moving into an apartment with someone more than 15 years younger provided the fun. No more household responsibilities! No more parenting on a daily basis because he doesn’t want or have custody! He’s so much more relaxed and happy now, except for the alimony he thinks he can’t afford and the fact that our children keep him at arm’s length.

[Anonymous]

I have friends who I think are genuinely present dads who are in-house, but zero who are in big law. FWIW I am an SES government lawyer who is probably about 10 years older than you. I make over $200K now. I would choose my job over my old big law job 10 times out of 10. Even at my busiest work times, I will be at the thing I told my kids I’d be at; I will turn off my phone for a day if we have special plans. I could never have done that in big law. I had a partner track me down through my husband’s phone on a weekend when I didn’t answer my phone for a 10 minute period for a new “emergency” I had no reason to suspect was coming on a Sunday. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who I think are genuinely present dads who are in-house, but zero who are in big law. FWIW I am an SES government lawyer who is probably about 10 years older than you. I make over $200K now. I would choose my job over my old big law job 10 times out of 10. Even at my busiest work times, I will be at the thing I told my kids I’d be at; I will turn off my phone for a day if we have special plans. I could never have done that in big law. I had a partner track me down through my husband’s phone on a weekend when I didn’t answer my phone for a 10 minute period for a new “emergency” I had no reason to suspect was coming on a Sunday. No thanks.

My husband is a big law lawyer who is very very involved as a parent — goes to all the sports games etc. Thefe are two things that make it work — he is very disciplined. If he gets to a kids game early, he is working while the team is warming up, during half time, etc. He will park outside practices and work from the car. He is up every morning at 6 working. When we go on vacation, he works half days almost every day — used to be when kids napped but mow he will skip activities he doesn’t care for and work instead. The second way it works is he has basically no social life. I think he could have a bit of a social life if he stopped gojng to the gym or gave up our dog, since he probably spends 10-15 hours a week on those two things, but other than gym/dog, his life is 100% work and the kids.
So I think there are definitely ways to be an involved dad at big law (especially once you are more senior and can set your own schedule)—but it definitely takes compromises not everyone is willing to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who I think are genuinely present dads who are in-house, but zero who are in big law. FWIW I am an SES government lawyer who is probably about 10 years older than you. I make over $200K now. I would choose my job over my old big law job 10 times out of 10. Even at my busiest work times, I will be at the thing I told my kids I’d be at; I will turn off my phone for a day if we have special plans. I could never have done that in big law. I had a partner track me down through my husband’s phone on a weekend when I didn’t answer my phone for a 10 minute period for a new “emergency” I had no reason to suspect was coming on a Sunday. No thanks.

My husband is a big law lawyer who is very very involved as a parent — goes to all the sports games etc. Thefe are two things that make it work — he is very disciplined. If he gets to a kids game early, he is working while the team is warming up, during half time, etc. He will park outside practices and work from the car. He is up every morning at 6 working. When we go on vacation, he works half days almost every day — used to be when kids napped but mow he will skip activities he doesn’t care for and work instead. The second way it works is he has basically no social life. I think he could have a bit of a social life if he stopped gojng to the gym or gave up our dog, since he probably spends 10-15 hours a week on those two things, but other than gym/dog, his life is 100% work and the kids.
So I think there are definitely ways to be an involved dad at big law (especially once you are more senior and can set your own schedule)—but it definitely takes compromises not everyone is willing to make.

This is what I did for 5 years. I couldn't do it long term. I felt like life had a lot more to offer than that, and vice versa. But I don't consider law a calling. Maybe if I got fulfillment from work it would have been doable

[Anonymous]

300k can be tough in dc. Sorry. Both have student loans - let’s assume 2k per month. Rent in DC or close in DMV is 3k for a two bedroom in a safe area at minimum. Daycare is 3k a month for a new born at minimum. Food, diapers, formula for a family of 3 is 1k minimum. Commuting, incidentals, entertainment are another 1k minimum. Thats 11k at bare “things are fine” status.

300k is 150k after taxes and retirement. That leaves 150-132 =18k a year for travel or saving for a down payment. A house in the DMV in a save area without a wretched commute is 800k, to save a 20% down payment would take decades. At current rates taking out a mortgage would be 5k a month, which would eat into their savings/ability to save


Go big law. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had 3 kids in day care and grade school and HHI was less than $300k, with the higher earner a fed salary. We have a mortgage that we can afford on one salary in the DMV area and they have college funds. Student loans were paid off just a few years ago. It’s doable. Keep the govt job and be there for ur wife and kids.

Not OP. You sound like you raised your family a while back. Cost of living now is very different even from just 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever regrets the time they spend with their kids. You can absolutely live in a 2 bedroom condo and raise a happy and healthy child. You don't need some huge house.

2 bedroom condo on 300,000??

bet these folks are Democrats.

so out of touch with reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody ever regrets the time they spend with their kids. You can absolutely live in a 2 bedroom condo and raise a happy and healthy child. You don't need some huge house.

2 bedroom condo on 300,000??

bet these folks are Democrats.

so out of touch with reality.

absolutely doable but maybe not on today's rates. If you bought during covid the rates were a lot lower and you would have no problem doing that. The point is the same. live smaller. spend time with your kids. nobody ever regrets that.

[Anonymous]

My partner made $93k as a software engineer when our baby was born. I have made only ca $20k a year in service industry since 2001.
I took some of the money I made and invested us into financial freedom. I have saved my family more than I ever made. I stayed home with the kid and worked around my partner's schedule.
There are ways to get it done if you don't want to go back to that sucky job. Kids don't care about house versus condo as much as you do. Our condo has thick walls, rooftop, and a pool. Kids care about video games, friends, and dessert.
Our 11-year old has $300k growing for them now and hopefully they can buy a home at 30 if they wish to do so. This is more exciting for us than a house.
We are immigrants and slightly behind on wealth building for several reasons. Our kid knows why we are behind, they are in on it, and they know it takes some time.
Start wealth building now, but it doesn't have to be through Big Law if it's soul sucking. My kid knows all about investing and that money makes money, not just working for someone.
I learned without ever having a role model or knowing anyone who invested. If I had 401k ever offered at work, I'd still be working that job with an eye on the balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure how this happened, but my husband and I are career feds (I’m a DOJ lawyer, hubs is a PhD scientist). We raised two kids in the close-in DC suburbs. Both are in college now. We live in a 1.7 M home and our combined net worth is $9M. It can be done if you save and invest wisely. I took 6 years off when the kids were small. Our starter home was very modest (but still close-in) and we learned to live on one government salary during those years. Spend time with your kid.

I don't think we're getting the full story here.

[Anonymous]

If you could go back to big law for 5-7 years with a concrete exit strategy that might be the way to go. Your kids will need/want you more when they are older anyway and you will have banked some cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who I think are genuinely present dads who are in-house, but zero who are in big law. FWIW I am an SES government lawyer who is probably about 10 years older than you. I make over $200K now. I would choose my job over my old big law job 10 times out of 10. Even at my busiest work times, I will be at the thing I told my kids I’d be at; I will turn off my phone for a day if we have special plans. I could never have done that in big law. I had a partner track me down through my husband’s phone on a weekend when I didn’t answer my phone for a 10 minute period for a new “emergency” I had no reason to suspect was coming on a Sunday. No thanks.

My DH is like you. However he thinks his SES position will be reclassified and he will be RIF’d because Trump hates his agency. Hope your agency is one of those Trump likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have friends who I think are genuinely present dads who are in-house, but zero who are in big law. FWIW I am an SES government lawyer who is probably about 10 years older than you. I make over $200K now. I would choose my job over my old big law job 10 times out of 10. Even at my busiest work times, I will be at the thing I told my kids I’d be at; I will turn off my phone for a day if we have special plans. I could never have done that in big law. I had a partner track me down through my husband’s phone on a weekend when I didn’t answer my phone for a 10 minute period for a new “emergency” I had no reason to suspect was coming on a Sunday. No thanks.

My DH is like you. However he thinks his SES position will be reclassified and he will be RIF’d because Trump hates his agency. Hope your agency is one of those Trump likes.

+2. My DH would love to stay in his SES position, but can see the writing on the wall and is moving to the private sector before all the slots he is competitive for are gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No child ever recalls fondly how much their parent works. They recall the time home with family, going to their events, etc.

Playing devil’s advocate, I fondly recall our family vacations, and I'm grateful I didn't have to take any loans for undergraduate or law school and that my dad made so much thought my mom could stay home and be a full-time parent. It's not the reality in my own marriage, and we were both super stressed trying to balance out jobs and parenting.