Five days and DH won't talk to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is abuse. It's one thing to pause and calm down it's another to not talk for days on end. This is 100% abuse. Do not accept it.

You're trivializing the word "abuse".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO silent treatment is only abuse if the other person is trying to connect and/or apologize.

I give my DH the silent treatment if he snaps at me but it only lasts 10 min because that’s how it takes for him to apologize. I don’t consider this abuse.

But what if that person has also used the silent treatment and has been verbally abusive? Are you required to put aside your own feelings because they have decided they want to reconnect?

In a healthy relationship, you communicate your feelings. Let the other person know you are hurting. Or angry. Or whatever. Just communicate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is abuse. It's one thing to pause and calm down it's another to not talk for days on end. This is 100% abuse. Do not accept it.

I’m curious what you have unilaterally decided is the limit for acceptable time for silent treatment. OP said she did it to him first for at least a few hours. Is that okay to you? What if it was all day? Overnight? Two days? When does it magically change from “pause and calm down” to “100% abuse” in your opinion?

Obviously the husband decided that even a few hours is “100% abuse” and he’s not going to accept it. And now he’s not accepting it and is likely consulting with a lawyer. What do you think she’s supposed to do about it now in order to “not accept it”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First I withdrew/shut down. Then I got upset and yelled/accused. No cheating.

How long did you stonewall him for? Seems like you are the problem here, and he's responding the way you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

You sound abusive. Why do you expect your spouse to respond positively to you yelling and saying purposeful hurtful things? You do need therapy. Leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

So when you say you “pulled away for like an afternoon” do you mean you gave him the silent treatment?

That's exactly what she means. However, for people like the PP above me, a woman doing this is "pulling away", while a man doing this is "abuse". Despite OP using it as an abuser tactic at first and DH using it to disengage from her abuse.

OP gave DH the silent treatment after something he did offended her, instead of talking it over like an adult. Then she recognized that wasn't working and switched to becoming verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abusive by saying the most spiteful, personal things she could think of, and finally DH responded by giving her the silent treatment (in this case, pulling away) in turn. Perhaps because he was vulnerable with her in the past, and now that she's used that vulnerability and insecurity as a weapon against him, he no longer feels he can open up to her.

This is the behavior of a toxic manipulator. DH is well in his right to disengage at this point and is owed not only an apology, but total love and fidelity from here on out. No more head games on pain of OP being served papers.

Agree. OP FA and FO. I hope he's interviewing divorce lawyers during this peaceful reprieve from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is abuse. It's one thing to pause and calm down it's another to not talk for days on end. This is 100% abuse. Do not accept it.

You're trivializing the word "abuse".

Nope. That didn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First I withdrew/shut down. Then I got upset and yelled/accused. No cheating.

How long did you stonewall him for? Seems like you are the problem here, and he's responding the way you do.

This We need more info OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First I withdrew/shut down. Then I got upset and yelled/accused. No cheating.

How long did you stonewall him for? Seems like you are the problem here, and he's responding the way you do.

This We need more info OP

OP did respond, she gave the silent treatment for an afternoon, then when he didn't respond how she wanted she went off on him, yelling, saying hurtful things and he then withdrew.

I can't imagine being married to someone like OP and now her getting mad at someone for being a shrinking violet after she went on a verbally abusive tirade at them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The silent treatment, especially for days at a time, is abusive.

It also makes OP afraid of bringing up any issues next time. Most effective way to shut your spouse up. What a tool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He knows you're not sorry

So what? Did he lose his vocal cord? How does he expect anything to improve if he does not talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Don't tolerate this passive aggressive behavior. You deserve better. My husband was like this every time we had conflict. I never felt relaxed in my own house. I finally told him he either talk or get out. And he started talking. I should have done this years ago instead of putting up the BS.

[Anonymous]

Let's look at the whole picture.

Your husband has been ignoring you for 5 days
Prior to this, you screamed at him and yelled hurtful things at him in an attempt to get him to engage with you.
Prior to that, you were ignoring him
Prior to that, he said something you found hurtful.

Clearly you can see how incredibly toxic you BOTH are. And your response now is "I just want him to show he loves me" just shows you aren't actually trying to solve what happened. You guys either need to start the divorce process or get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Don't tolerate this passive aggressive behavior. You deserve better. My husband was like this every time we had conflict. I never felt relaxed in my own house. I finally told him he either talk or get out. And he started talking. I should have done this years ago instead of putting up the BS.

And he deserves better than someone screaming at him and saying hurtful things in an attempt to get him to engage with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

He is DARVO'ing you. I had a boyfriend like this. He did something bad first. You pulled away, probably because you've learned that he won't take accountability if you discuss it in real-time. Then when you did bring it up, he dismissed your concerns. You reacted like a normal human being (because it's enraging to be dismissed). And here you are, blaming yourself. He is an emotional abuser, period. You've done nothing wrong.

Yep. This person gets it. Took me too long to see the pattern in my own marriage.