Five days and DH won't talk to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP had posted "DH and I got into a fight and I'm trying not to engage with him right now. He screamed at me and has been saying nasty things to me trying to get me to engage with him". Everyone would be saying he was abusive and that OP should ignore him. Yet when it's the husband who was being screamed at, he's the abusive one.

I think OP is wrong here. Her husband is as well, though. The silent treatment isn't ok. It's not a mature way to handle things. That doesn't mean you have to take someone's abuse, though. But I wouldn't call that giving someone the silent treatment.

OP has continuously shown on this thread that she thinks she is 100% in the right and her husband is the problem, so her version of events is questionable at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

OP didn't tell the whole story about what happened, just the parts that made her look good. Then she kept coming back to argue with people who didn't back her up. And she has refused to own that her actions played any role in what happened. If OP's husband showed up to this conversation, we could tell him how his actions were also unacceptable. But all we have is OP, so yeah, people are going to tell her what she has done wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

To me the highlighted line is the crux of the issue. I feel like OP did own her part in the situation. I'm not sure that being silent for a few hours is the worst thing in the world. She went silent then she asked to talk about it. Not talking for 5 days is absurd. OP knows this is an unhealthy dynamic which is why she posted here looking for help. In unhealthy marriages both parties play a role. I'm in the process of owning my part in the dissolution of my marriage but I'm not willing to accept all the blame that's being heaped on me. I don't even think blame needs to be assigned on either side to be honest. OP and her dh have a communication pattern that could prove fatal for their marriage. I do think that refusing to speak for 5 days crosses the line into abuse territory.

No she didn't. Her first version left out a lot of facts, including those that weren't favorable to her.

Also, "going silent for a few hours" is on a sliding scale. Telling someone you need some time to process and walking away? Ok. Turning around and walking away from someone who is trying to talk to you nicely? Not ok.

Of course refusing to talk to someone for five days sounds crazy, and of course it automatically seems worse than refusing to talk to someone for a few hours, but again, it's on a sliding scale.

Let's say OP and her husband have a fight, doesn't matter who started it. In the midst of the husband talking, calmly (fighting doesn't mean you're yelling and screaming), OP decides she's done with him and walks away. He asks if she is willing to accept his apology or listen to what he has to say. She refuses to engage with him for the next five hours. Then she decides she's ready to talk and she goes to her husband and starts screaming at him and saying hurtful things. He asks her to stop, he says he is not ready to discuss if she's going to act like that, he says he needs some space from her giving how she is acting and the fact that she has said awful things to him. Then he refuses to engage with her over the next five days.

I think not talking to someone for five days is crazy, personally, but I don't think you can compare the length of time they each refused to talk without considering other factors. That's all I'm trying to say. OP and her husband have a disgusting and toxic marriage and it doesn't sound like they're suited for each other. Hopefully they don't have children and they can just divorce and grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So all of OPs questionable actions are pulling away, communicating, or trying to get him to engage. But his response is abusive? But it was ok when she did it apparently.

The problem is that most people only read the OP where she said that she did something she’s not proud of and then he ignored her for five days. If she had been honest in the beginning and said that she ignored him for a few hours FIRST and he got annoyed and did it back for a few days to see how she likes it, people would likely be responding differently.

NP. A few hours and five days are not at all equivalent and I suspect you know that, PP. are are in the usual DCUM camp of "the OP must be wrong because OP didn't give every single detail in the very first post." I get it, "trickle truth" is not good, but you don't know her, so why so invested in her just having to be the villain here?

Yes, she was wrong to go silent for a few hours, but how much more toxic is it that he then punishes her with days on end of the silent treatment? He's dropping a nuclear bomb on a skirmish. Yeah, it was a nasty skirmish, and she also has serious communications issues, but your post above seems to excuse his response to her.

Sounds like they need time physically apart, during which they get individual therapy and then marriage counseling, BUT that would be in an ideal world. They are not ideal, and I suspect he would never agree to any outside help. There may be more hope for her, but she will need to be very frank and up front with her therapist or counselor. She at least recognizes there's a problem and that she is part of the problem. I think he sees a problem but thinks it's 100 percent on her.

Uh it sounds like you missed the part where SHE dropped a nuclear bomb of verbal abuse. Trying to absolve the OP of responsibility when she literally caused this is so sexist and bizarre. Men are allowed to be hurt by abuse from women as well.

Absolutely. But for 5 days? That's absurd.

I'm having a hard time believing that during those five days OP hasn't said a word... She could be texting or yelling at him during that time, in which case he is refusing to engage with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If OP had posted "DH and I got into a fight and I'm trying not to engage with him right now. He screamed at me and has been saying nasty things to me trying to get me to engage with him". Everyone would be saying he was abusive and that OP should ignore him. Yet when it's the husband who was being screamed at, he's the abusive one.

I think OP is wrong here. Her husband is as well, though. The silent treatment isn't ok. It's not a mature way to handle things. That doesn't mean you have to take someone's abuse, though. But I wouldn't call that giving someone the silent treatment.

OP has continuously shown on this thread that she thinks she is 100% in the right and her husband is the problem, so her version of events is questionable at best.

Her DH knows the silent treatment isn’t okay. That’s why he was annoyed when she did it to him and decided he doesn’t want to be with someone like that.