Five days and DH won't talk to me

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he’s showing you how immature and offensive it is when someone gives you the silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

He is DARVO'ing you. I had a boyfriend like this. He did something bad first. You pulled away, probably because you've learned that he won't take accountability if you discuss it in real-time. Then when you did bring it up, he dismissed your concerns. You reacted like a normal human being (because it's enraging to be dismissed). And here you are, blaming yourself. He is an emotional abuser, period. You've done nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

So when you say you “pulled away for like an afternoon” do you mean you gave him the silent treatment?

That's exactly what she means. However, for people like the PP above me, a woman doing this is "pulling away", while a man doing this is "abuse". Despite OP using it as an abuser tactic at first and DH using it to disengage from her abuse.

OP gave DH the silent treatment after something he did offended her, instead of talking it over like an adult. Then she recognized that wasn't working and switched to becoming verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abusive by saying the most spiteful, personal things she could think of, and finally DH responded by giving her the silent treatment (in this case, pulling away) in turn. Perhaps because he was vulnerable with her in the past, and now that she's used that vulnerability and insecurity as a weapon against him, he no longer feels he can open up to her.

This is the behavior of a toxic manipulator. DH is well in his right to disengage at this point and is owed not only an apology, but total love and fidelity from here on out. No more head games on pain of OP being served papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

So when you say you “pulled away for like an afternoon” do you mean you gave him the silent treatment?

That's exactly what she means. However, for people like the PP above me, a woman doing this is "pulling away", while a man doing this is "abuse". Despite OP using it as an abuser tactic at first and DH using it to disengage from her abuse.

OP gave DH the silent treatment after something he did offended her, instead of talking it over like an adult. Then she recognized that wasn't working and switched to becoming verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abusive by saying the most spiteful, personal things she could think of, and finally DH responded by giving her the silent treatment (in this case, pulling away) in turn. Perhaps because he was vulnerable with her in the past, and now that she's used that vulnerability and insecurity as a weapon against him, he no longer feels he can open up to her.

This is the behavior of a toxic manipulator. DH is well in his right to disengage at this point and is owed not only an apology, but total love and fidelity from here on out. No more head games on pain of OP being served papers.

NO. Being withdrawn for a couple of hours one afternoon is NOT the silent treatment. That is something everyone has done when there’s been some hurt/issue between two people.

Going days without talking to your spouse IS the silent treatment, and it’s abusive. Please stop twisting things around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

So when you say you “pulled away for like an afternoon” do you mean you gave him the silent treatment?

That's exactly what she means. However, for people like the PP above me, a woman doing this is "pulling away", while a man doing this is "abuse". Despite OP using it as an abuser tactic at first and DH using it to disengage from her abuse.

OP gave DH the silent treatment after something he did offended her, instead of talking it over like an adult. Then she recognized that wasn't working and switched to becoming verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abusive by saying the most spiteful, personal things she could think of, and finally DH responded by giving her the silent treatment (in this case, pulling away) in turn. Perhaps because he was vulnerable with her in the past, and now that she's used that vulnerability and insecurity as a weapon against him, he no longer feels he can open up to her.

This is the behavior of a toxic manipulator. DH is well in his right to disengage at this point and is owed not only an apology, but total love and fidelity from here on out. No more head games on pain of OP being served papers.

NO. Being withdrawn for a couple of hours one afternoon is NOT the silent treatment. That is something everyone has done when there’s been some hurt/issue between two people.

Going days without talking to your spouse IS the silent treatment, and it’s abusive. Please stop twisting things around.

Sorry but I’m the first PP above to ask if she gave him the silent treatment first, and I agree with the PP that this is abuse whether you do it for “like an afternoon” or days. And I’m a woman too btw. I agree that it’s worse to do it for days, but I also think it’s appalling to be the one to start doing it in a relationship. It’s something I expect from a toddler, not my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

He is DARVO'ing you. I had a boyfriend like this. He did something bad first. You pulled away, probably because you've learned that he won't take accountability if you discuss it in real-time. Then when you did bring it up, he dismissed your concerns. You reacted like a normal human being (because it's enraging to be dismissed). And here you are, blaming yourself. He is an emotional abuser, period. You've done nothing wrong.

That’s an awful lot of projection for a very vague OP that now with more clarity actually doesn’t seem to be on the right side of this moral issue at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

So when you say you “pulled away for like an afternoon” do you mean you gave him the silent treatment?

That's exactly what she means. However, for people like the PP above me, a woman doing this is "pulling away", while a man doing this is "abuse". Despite OP using it as an abuser tactic at first and DH using it to disengage from her abuse.

OP gave DH the silent treatment after something he did offended her, instead of talking it over like an adult. Then she recognized that wasn't working and switched to becoming verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abusive by saying the most spiteful, personal things she could think of, and finally DH responded by giving her the silent treatment (in this case, pulling away) in turn. Perhaps because he was vulnerable with her in the past, and now that she's used that vulnerability and insecurity as a weapon against him, he no longer feels he can open up to her.

This is the behavior of a toxic manipulator. DH is well in his right to disengage at this point and is owed not only an apology, but total love and fidelity from here on out. No more head games on pain of OP being served papers.

NO. Being withdrawn for a couple of hours one afternoon is NOT the silent treatment. That is something everyone has done when there’s been some hurt/issue between two people.

Going days without talking to your spouse IS the silent treatment, and it’s abusive. Please stop twisting things around.

So if a DW says or does something that offends her husband, and he responds by giving her the silent treatment for the afternoon instead of talking it over, and then becomes enraged that she isn't affected by the silent treatment and proceeds to verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abuse her with the most hateful, personal things he can think of... And DW responds by disengaging from him for five days, perhaps even leaving the house... She is the abuser, in that scenario? Just making sure I'm hearing this right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

Next time shut up and cook him a steak instead.

[Anonymous]

OP you guys have a very bad dynamic. You give him the silent treatment too. You call it withdrawing but you still do the same thing. Get into couples therapy and figure this out. I believe that of all the things in a marraige this is one that you can unlearn how to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

He is DARVO'ing you. I had a boyfriend like this. He did something bad first. You pulled away, probably because you've learned that he won't take accountability if you discuss it in real-time. Then when you did bring it up, he dismissed your concerns. You reacted like a normal human being (because it's enraging to be dismissed). And here you are, blaming yourself. He is an emotional abuser, period. You've done nothing wrong.

+1. Plus, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse used for "coercive control". Silent treatment is a way of isolating the victim. Coercive control is negative behavior, usually short of direct physical abuse, but that is still aggressive and intimidating. In order to avoid the negative behavior, the victim begins to walk on eggshells to avoid anything that might trigger the anger and thus is controlled by the perpetrator to some degree.

Please seek individual therapy. No matter what negative behavior you engaged in, it doesn't justify his abuse. Still, focus on yourself, learn to improve your behavior and learn to set boundaries and protect yourself from his abusive behavior.

[Anonymous]

My ex did this to me at the beginning of our relationship. I caved in and begged him after five days to stop and took responsibility for all the things we had been arguing about even though I wasn’t to blame. It set up a dysfunctional dynamic that lasted thirty years. Silent treatment is pure abuse. Doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It’s a manipulative emotionally abusive tactic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

He is DARVO'ing you. I had a boyfriend like this. He did something bad first. You pulled away, probably because you've learned that he won't take accountability if you discuss it in real-time. Then when you did bring it up, he dismissed your concerns. You reacted like a normal human being (because it's enraging to be dismissed). And here you are, blaming yourself. He is an emotional abuser, period. You've done nothing wrong.

+1. Plus, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse used for "coercive control". Silent treatment is a way of isolating the victim. Coercive control is negative behavior, usually short of direct physical abuse, but that is still aggressive and intimidating. In order to avoid the negative behavior, the victim begins to walk on eggshells to avoid anything that might trigger the anger and thus is controlled by the perpetrator to some degree.

Please seek individual therapy. No matter what negative behavior you engaged in, it doesn't justify his abuse. Still, focus on yourself, learn to improve your behavior and learn to set boundaries and protect yourself from his abusive behavior.

I’m OP who just posted about the thirty year relationship. This is exactly what was going on. It’s abuse. Pure and simple. He could punch you in the face or do this. It’s the same thing. Abuse. And it happens to people like us who are peace keepers and people pleasers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex did this to me at the beginning of our relationship. I caved in and begged him after five days to stop and took responsibility for all the things we had been arguing about even though I wasn’t to blame. It set up a dysfunctional dynamic that lasted thirty years. Silent treatment is pure abuse. Doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It’s a manipulative emotionally abusive tactic.

OP gave him the silent treatment first! He only retaliated after she gave him the silent treatment AND said nasty things to him because he didn’t seem affected enough by her first type of abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex did this to me at the beginning of our relationship. I caved in and begged him after five days to stop and took responsibility for all the things we had been arguing about even though I wasn’t to blame. It set up a dysfunctional dynamic that lasted thirty years. Silent treatment is pure abuse. Doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It’s a manipulative emotionally abusive tactic.

OP gave him the silent treatment first! He only retaliated after she gave him the silent treatment AND said nasty things to him because he didn’t seem affected enough by her first type of abuse.

I had anxiety, shut down, and tried to connect with spouse a few hours later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex did this to me at the beginning of our relationship. I caved in and begged him after five days to stop and took responsibility for all the things we had been arguing about even though I wasn’t to blame. It set up a dysfunctional dynamic that lasted thirty years. Silent treatment is pure abuse. Doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It’s a manipulative emotionally abusive tactic.

OP gave him the silent treatment first! He only retaliated after she gave him the silent treatment AND said nasty things to him because he didn’t seem affected enough by her first type of abuse.

I had anxiety, shut down, and tried to connect with spouse a few hours later.

And also gave him space when he didn't want to connect right away. And apologized when I finally went off due to feeling abandoned by spouse.