Five days and DH won't talk to me

[Anonymous]

Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved but silent treatment is bad. As others have repeatedly said, it’s abuse. Why would he trust that it won’t happen again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex did this to me at the beginning of our relationship. I caved in and begged him after five days to stop and took responsibility for all the things we had been arguing about even though I wasn’t to blame. It set up a dysfunctional dynamic that lasted thirty years. Silent treatment is pure abuse. Doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It’s a manipulative emotionally abusive tactic.

OP gave him the silent treatment first! He only retaliated after she gave him the silent treatment AND said nasty things to him because he didn’t seem affected enough by her first type of abuse.

I had anxiety, shut down, and tried to connect with spouse a few hours later.

And then screamed at him and said hurtful things when he didn’t want to engage with you.

Your relationship is toxic. You are both at fault for what happened. You either need to do joint therapy as well as individual therapy or you need to divorce.

Do you have kids? You sound wildly immature, both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex did this to me at the beginning of our relationship. I caved in and begged him after five days to stop and took responsibility for all the things we had been arguing about even though I wasn’t to blame. It set up a dysfunctional dynamic that lasted thirty years. Silent treatment is pure abuse. Doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. It’s a manipulative emotionally abusive tactic.

OP gave him the silent treatment first! He only retaliated after she gave him the silent treatment AND said nasty things to him because he didn’t seem affected enough by her first type of abuse.

I had anxiety, shut down, and tried to connect with spouse a few hours later.

And also gave him space when he didn't want to connect right away. And apologized when I finally went off due to feeling abandoned by spouse.

I’m not saying what your husband did was right, but you’re vastly minimizing what you did. You raged at him and yelled hurtful things but now you’re like oh but I apologized for it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unlike the other posted, I'm not trying to be right or win an argument or asking anyone to take blame. I just want to feel loved by my spouse. I went about the wrong way and acknowledge that. But he still refuses. Should I give up?

Has this happened before? Then yes, either therapy or divorce. Your dynamic is sick. I’ve never said hurtful things to anyone in my life. That is unacceptable behavior. You need help.

[Anonymous]

IMO silent treatment is only abuse if the other person is trying to connect and/or apologize.

I give my DH the silent treatment if he snaps at me but it only lasts 10 min because that’s how it takes for him to apologize. I don’t consider this abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

While we’re tossing around accusations of abuse, this is obviously a problem. Ya’ll sound young and immature. Is alcohol involved in these fights? As a couple you need to create some boundaries/rules of engagement when it comes to navigating disagreements. Baby silent treatments, big silent treatments, yelling, saying hurtful things don’t build healthy sustainable relationships.

[Anonymous]

OP, were you in the wrong, and if so, have you apologized?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP - just needed a bit more context.

When you stated that you were “out of line”…..
How so?

[Anonymous]

I would assume that someone not speaking to me for five days is meeting with his lawyer and beginning divorce proceedings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

He is DARVO'ing you. I had a boyfriend like this. He did something bad first. You pulled away, probably because you've learned that he won't take accountability if you discuss it in real-time. Then when you did bring it up, he dismissed your concerns. You reacted like a normal human being (because it's enraging to be dismissed). And here you are, blaming yourself. He is an emotional abuser, period. You've done nothing wrong.

+1. Plus, silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse used for "coercive control". Silent treatment is a way of isolating the victim. Coercive control is negative behavior, usually short of direct physical abuse, but that is still aggressive and intimidating. In order to avoid the negative behavior, the victim begins to walk on eggshells to avoid anything that might trigger the anger and thus is controlled by the perpetrator to some degree.

Please seek individual therapy. No matter what negative behavior you engaged in, it doesn't justify his abuse. Still, focus on yourself, learn to improve your behavior and learn to set boundaries and protect yourself from his abusive behavior.

BS. She was the one who initiated the silent treatment and then raged and him and said hurtful things.

These two are toxic together.

[Anonymous]

This is abuse. It's one thing to pause and calm down it's another to not talk for days on end. This is 100% abuse. Do not accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO silent treatment is only abuse if the other person is trying to connect and/or apologize.

I give my DH the silent treatment if he snaps at me but it only lasts 10 min because that’s how it takes for him to apologize. I don’t consider this abuse.

But what if that person has also used the silent treatment and has been verbally abusive? Are you required to put aside your own feelings because they have decided they want to reconnect?

[Anonymous]

You are BOTH abusive towards each other. You have a very toxic and immature dynamic going on here. I'd probably just go for divorce but if you really want to salvage anything you should both try marriage and individual counseling. You both obviously have issues you need to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you apologize truly?
If not start there

This. Also, what exactly did you say to him OP? That will help us to better understand what's going on here. It's very rare for men to go silent for several days, with no history of this behavior, unless you said something seriously screwed up to him.

She said she “withdrew” first.

OP, what exactly does withdrew mean to you? Is he giving you silent treatment because you did it to him first?

I felt hurt by something he did and said (on-going issue), and pulled away. For like an afternoon. Then when I tried engaging, he didn't engage. I escalated further to get him to engage by yelling/accusing/saying hurtful things.

He is DARVO'ing you. I had a boyfriend like this. He did something bad first. You pulled away, probably because you've learned that he won't take accountability if you discuss it in real-time. Then when you did bring it up, he dismissed your concerns. You reacted like a normal human being (because it's enraging to be dismissed). And here you are, blaming yourself. He is an emotional abuser, period. You've done nothing wrong.

That’s an awful lot of projection for a very vague OP that now with more clarity actually doesn’t seem to be on the right side of this moral issue at all.

There’s a lot of projection from a lot of posters. Marriage is hard.