Wife dies and husband adopts their 1 year old out to the aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Am I being too judgmental, or is this guy just awful?

Both? I mean - not wanting to keep your own child after a year of raising her isn’t a great look - but better to have her be with a loving family (presumably) than actively neglect her.

Agree it’s better than neglect. But it’s still much worse than being a grownup and rising to the occasion of being a good parent.

That poor girl lost her mother. Then the dad gets rid of her, that's just heart breaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife almost died during childbirth. Things looked bleak. I had about 24 hours to think about what I was going to do. I had pretty much made up my mind I wasn't going keep her, so much of that was debating whether I would simply leave them at the hospital for CPS or turn them over a family member. I wanted to the former to let her start life from a clean slate, preferably never learning about her traumatic birthday, but pretty much concluded I'd have to do the latter.

And while I was convinced, at the time at least, that was the right discusion, I also didn't expect I'd be able to live with myself. So I planned my suicide, too.

Obviously I don't know what I actually would have done if my wife didn't evenctually pull through, but I do know I would never judge whatever decision someone makes in that situation.

I agree with the poster who noted this was a plan made in the context of a severe trauma. I don’t understand people who feel the need to criticize this person for a response made from this circumstance. He also noted that he has no idea if he would have actually done it.

I’m a woman, a loving wife and mom, and I can imagine having the same response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if a woman put her child up for adoption.

They do right after birth. Not the same situation. He was the father for over a year. My family would be disgusted if I jettisoned the kid to be unburdened. Divorced twice is also telling about his lack of character. This guy has deep problems.

Is that how you would describe it if someone gave a child up for adoption at birth-- that they "jettisoned the kid to be unburdened"?

Or do you think there are legitimate reasons to do that?

There are legit reasons of course, not the same subject matter. Adoptions are usually planned with good reasons. This guy didn't want the burden or responsibility to raise his own daughter while she was a toddler.

What would be a "good reason" in that case?

[Anonymous]

You should mind your own business. Maybe he has a drug addiction or alcohol addiction issue and knew he could not safely raise the child. You never know what’s going on inside a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife almost died during childbirth. Things looked bleak. I had about 24 hours to think about what I was going to do. I had pretty much made up my mind I wasn't going keep her, so much of that was debating whether I would simply leave them at the hospital for CPS or turn them over a family member. I wanted to the former to let her start life from a clean slate, preferably never learning about her traumatic birthday, but pretty much concluded I'd have to do the latter.

And while I was convinced, at the time at least, that was the right discusion, I also didn't expect I'd be able to live with myself. So I planned my suicide, too.

Obviously I don't know what I actually would have done if my wife didn't evenctually pull through, but I do know I would never judge whatever decision someone makes in that situation.

If I'm understanding correctly you had to make the decision between an unborn child and your wife's life.

This guy had his child for at least a year, by the time the adoption took place longer. Different situation. He didn't want the responsibility of taking care of his own child.

No, the child was born healthy, but my wife's condition continued to deteriorate. She wasn't expected to survive.

How do you feel about this line of thinking now that you (presumably) have bonded with your child? Do you ever think about what you would have missed out on?

I’m surprised that the instinct would be to adopt out the child, which is your last link to your spouse you loved enough to make a baby with.

Glad she lived and it worked out for you though.

It continues to get more complicated from there. The child, while born healthy, has significant special needs. One person would not be able to both act as the caregiver and work to provide financial support.

Knowing that now, and not really having a way to forget that, I definitely think it would have been the right move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you probably know lots of men like Jim and have no idea. My husband is active duty and I'd say about 25% of the men we know have abandoned children. By abandoned I mean they've made the conscious decision to have no relationship whatsoever to a child or children from a previous relationship. Not a money or time thing.

I should add - all of these men are currently raising children too, but with their current wives. The wives also support their decision to not have a relationship with their other children.

And yeah this happens in DCUM-land/UMC circles, too. You see a loving husband and dad with a happy family and an expensive house and have no idea from the surface (unless you know the family well) he has another child he abandoned. I knew of several families like this growing up in a nice neighborhood.

Steve Jobs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Known a friend for about a year, It somehow came up when he was in his late twenties his wife died in a car accident. He adopted the daughter out to the wife's sister so she would have a mother. I was simply shocked. I asked didn't he think she needed a dad? Or didn't he foresee him meeting someone at some point? Today the daughter is grown, he doesn't have a relationship with her. I also found out he's been divorced twice. I believe he didn't want to be saddled with a child so he could screw around. He also mentioned he had a vasectomy years ago...
Am I being too judgmental, or is this guy just awful?

I would wonder if it was his child to even begin with. Being on a birth certificate doesn’t make anyone actually the father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife almost died during childbirth. Things looked bleak. I had about 24 hours to think about what I was going to do. I had pretty much made up my mind I wasn't going keep her, so much of that was debating whether I would simply leave them at the hospital for CPS or turn them over a family member. I wanted to the former to let her start life from a clean slate, preferably never learning about her traumatic birthday, but pretty much concluded I'd have to do the latter.

And while I was convinced, at the time at least, that was the right discusion, I also didn't expect I'd be able to live with myself. So I planned my suicide, too.

Obviously I don't know what I actually would have done if my wife didn't evenctually pull through, but I do know I would never judge whatever decision someone makes in that situation.

Omfg, I hope you never told your wife this.

He was honest, but wow I wonder that too.

Yes, she knows, although not until after the child's special needs were identified lwhich no doubt colored the reaction and understanding (even though they weren't known at the time).

Contemporaneously I didn't make a secret of it (except for the suicide plan-I didn't mention that), but I'm sure most didn't realize I was serious.

As I said before, I don't think I would have been to live with myself over the guilt of the decision, but I thought, and continue to believe, it would have been the right decision to give my daughter the best shot at life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife almost died during childbirth. Things looked bleak. I had about 24 hours to think about what I was going to do. I had pretty much made up my mind I wasn't going keep her, so much of that was debating whether I would simply leave them at the hospital for CPS or turn them over a family member. I wanted to the former to let her start life from a clean slate, preferably never learning about her traumatic birthday, but pretty much concluded I'd have to do the latter.

And while I was convinced, at the time at least, that was the right discusion, I also didn't expect I'd be able to live with myself. So I planned my suicide, too.

Obviously I don't know what I actually would have done if my wife didn't evenctually pull through, but I do know I would never judge whatever decision someone makes in that situation.

If I'm understanding correctly you had to make the decision between an unborn child and your wife's life.

This guy had his child for at least a year, by the time the adoption took place longer. Different situation. He didn't want the responsibility of taking care of his own child.

No, the child was born healthy, but my wife's condition continued to deteriorate. She wasn't expected to survive.

How do you feel about this line of thinking now that you (presumably) have bonded with your child? Do you ever think about what you would have missed out on?

I’m surprised that the instinct would be to adopt out the child, which is your last link to your spouse you loved enough to make a baby with.

Glad she lived and it worked out for you though.

It continues to get more complicated from there. The child, while born healthy, has significant special needs. One person would not be able to both act as the caregiver and work to provide financial support.

Knowing that now, and not really having a way to forget that, I definitely think it would have been the right move.

This guy that adopted out their child was solely to get rid of the responsibility. No, he didn't have any addictions.

The child didn't have any special needs either.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Think of it this way. It was the best decision of his life.

And as PP said... men abandon children, even their own. Mothers are biologically wired to not abandon their children (with few exceptions), due to changes that happen in their brain during pregnancy, birth and the post-partum period. The bonding is far greater.

[Anonymous]

OP - a lot of women do this, too. I know two women who abandoned their children. One moved across the country but does have a relationship with her child (she sees her twice a year) and the other one flat out abandoned the child and even the dad has no idea what happened to her. So you ladies need to shut it about this being a man only thing. Absolutely not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if a woman put her child up for adoption.

They do right after birth. Not the same situation. He was the father for over a year. My family would be disgusted if I jettisoned the kid to be unburdened. Divorced twice is also telling about his lack of character. This guy has deep problems.

Is that how you would describe it if someone gave a child up for adoption at birth-- that they "jettisoned the kid to be unburdened"?

Or do you think there are legitimate reasons to do that?

There are legit reasons of course, not the same subject matter. Adoptions are usually planned with good reasons. This guy didn't want the burden or responsibility to raise his own daughter while she was a toddler.

What would be a "good reason" in that case?

My friends adopted a young boy. His mother was a drug addict with kids from 4 different men. She could barely function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - a lot of women do this, too. I know two women who abandoned their children. One moved across the country but does have a relationship with her child (she sees her twice a year) and the other one flat out abandoned the child and even the dad has no idea what happened to her. So you ladies need to shut it about this being a man only thing. Absolutely not true.

I never said it was a man issue. I worked with families, I have seen it all. Never someone whose spouse died and adopted out their toddler child shortly after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Known a friend for about a year, It somehow came up when he was in his late twenties his wife died in a car accident. He adopted the daughter out to the wife's sister so she would have a mother. I was simply shocked. I asked didn't he think she needed a dad? Or didn't he foresee him meeting someone at some point? Today the daughter is grown, he doesn't have a relationship with her. I also found out he's been divorced twice. I believe he didn't want to be saddled with a child so he could screw around. He also mentioned he had a vasectomy years ago...
Am I being too judgmental, or is this guy just awful?

You are being too judgmental and should be totally ashamed of yourself for thinking the way you do. Wow. You are a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if a woman put her child up for adoption.

They do right after birth. Not the same situation. He was the father for over a year. My family would be disgusted if I jettisoned the kid to be unburdened. Divorced twice is also telling about his lack of character. This guy has deep problems.

Is that how you would describe it if someone gave a child up for adoption at birth-- that they "jettisoned the kid to be unburdened"?

Or do you think there are legitimate reasons to do that?

There are legit reasons of course, not the same subject matter. Adoptions are usually planned with good reasons. This guy didn't want the burden or responsibility to raise his own daughter while she was a toddler.

What would be a "good reason" in that case?

My friends adopted a young boy. His mother was a drug addict with kids from 4 different men. She could barely function.

So, recognizing that you're not capable of being a good parent is a valid reason to give your child up for adoption?