Wife dies and husband adopts their 1 year old out to the aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you probably know lots of men like Jim and have no idea. My husband is active duty and I'd say about 25% of the men we know have abandoned children. By abandoned I mean they've made the conscious decision to have no relationship whatsoever to a child or children from a previous relationship. Not a money or time thing.

I should add - all of these men are currently raising children too, but with their current wives. The wives also support their decision to not have a relationship with their other children.

+1

Yep. All of the above is very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if a woman put her child up for adoption.

They do right after birth. Not the same situation. He was the father for over a year. My family would be disgusted if I jettisoned the kid to be unburdened. Divorced twice is also telling about his lack of character. This guy has deep problems.

Is that how you would describe it if someone gave a child up for adoption at birth-- that they "jettisoned the kid to be unburdened"?

Or do you think there are legitimate reasons to do that?

There are legit reasons of course, not the same subject matter. Adoptions are usually planned with good reasons. This guy didn't want the burden or responsibility to raise his own daughter while she was a toddler.

What would be a "good reason" in that case?

My friends adopted a young boy. His mother was a drug addict with kids from 4 different men. She could barely function.

So, recognizing that you're not capable of being a good parent is a valid reason to give your child up for adoption?

She couldn't be a parent, the state took her kids away. Put them in foster care.

This dad could have taken parenting classes and gotten support. Completely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is a lowlife. dump him

How could he not be bonded to his own child he's had for a year? That's disturbing.

Perhaps in that year he discovered he didn't have the skills to be a good parent. The vasectomy seems consistent with that.

I don't know why anyone would want to force a parent into a situation of caring for a child they're not equipped to deal with. That's terrible for the child.

Right. He made sure he didn't bring any more children into the world after letting his wife's sister adopt his daughter and that is saying something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - a lot of women do this, too. I know two women who abandoned their children. One moved across the country but does have a relationship with her child (she sees her twice a year) and the other one flat out abandoned the child and even the dad has no idea what happened to her. So you ladies need to shut it about this being a man only thing. Absolutely not true.

I never said it was a man issue. I worked with families, I have seen it all. Never someone whose spouse died and adopted out their toddler child shortly after.

It's almost certainly better to adopt out the child while they are still very young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Think of it this way. It was the best decision of his life.

And as PP said... men abandon children, even their own. Mothers are biologically wired to not abandon their children (with few exceptions), due to changes that happen in their brain during pregnancy, birth and the post-partum period. The bonding is far greater.

You could be right. He went on to have many broken relationships. Still, wasn't necessarily the best decision for the daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if a woman put her child up for adoption.

They do right after birth. Not the same situation. He was the father for over a year. My family would be disgusted if I jettisoned the kid to be unburdened. Divorced twice is also telling about his lack of character. This guy has deep problems.

Is that how you would describe it if someone gave a child up for adoption at birth-- that they "jettisoned the kid to be unburdened"?

Or do you think there are legitimate reasons to do that?

There are legit reasons of course, not the same subject matter. Adoptions are usually planned with good reasons. This guy didn't want the burden or responsibility to raise his own daughter while she was a toddler.

What would be a "good reason" in that case?

My friends adopted a young boy. His mother was a drug addict with kids from 4 different men. She could barely function.

So, recognizing that you're not capable of being a good parent is a valid reason to give your child up for adoption?

She couldn't be a parent, the state took her kids away. Put them in foster care.

This dad could have taken parenting classes and gotten support. Completely different.

Ahh, yes, single parents have lots of free time to do parenting classes. And no doubt he was wealthy to pay for support.

You're the bad person here, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should mind your own business. Maybe he has a drug addiction or alcohol addiction issue and knew he could not safely raise the child. You never know what’s going on inside a family.

Also possible the kid was not his biologically.

Or that he didn't think he could hold a job as a single parent.

I don't think it's shocking that he let his wife's family raise the child. It's the "no contact" that weirds me out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you probably know lots of men like Jim and have no idea. My husband is active duty and I'd say about 25% of the men we know have abandoned children. By abandoned I mean they've made the conscious decision to have no relationship whatsoever to a child or children from a previous relationship. Not a money or time thing.

I should add - all of these men are currently raising children too, but with their current wives. The wives also support their decision to not have a relationship with their other children.

And yeah this happens in DCUM-land/UMC circles, too. You see a loving husband and dad with a happy family and an expensive house and have no idea from the surface (unless you know the family well) he has another child he abandoned. I knew of several families like this growing up in a nice neighborhood.

We know two families just in our neighborhood like this. In both cases, the fathers claim the ex wife is “crazy” and didn’t want the dads seeing the children. I’m pretty sure both pay child support. It’s just wild because both families are living a picturesque UMC life with all the trappings and I don’t think the other kids are. In one family the youngest of the two children that got left behind is only two years older than his oldest child with current wife. In that case I strongly suspect current wife was the AP.

+1

I even know a family like this where the “new kids” are not even biologically his- they are stepkids. So the dad marries a widowed woman with 2 kids, is an absolutely model father (from all appearances) and ignores his bio daughter as if she doesn’t even exist. Bio daughter is only a few years older than the stepkids. The guy claims the same thing- ex wife is “crazy” and the daughter is “bratty” (she is a younger teen). Didn’t even invite the daughter to his wedding to new wife. I think he pays child support, and is very resentful of doing even that.

And of course his new wife is 100% a-OK with all of this.. Which is totally shocking to me. Makes me think a lot less of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you probably know lots of men like Jim and have no idea. My husband is active duty and I'd say about 25% of the men we know have abandoned children. By abandoned I mean they've made the conscious decision to have no relationship whatsoever to a child or children from a previous relationship. Not a money or time thing.

Are most of these officers or enlisted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Think of it this way. It was the best decision of his life.

And as PP said... men abandon children, even their own. Mothers are biologically wired to not abandon their children (with few exceptions), due to changes that happen in their brain during pregnancy, birth and the post-partum period. The bonding is far greater.

You could be right. He went on to have many broken relationships. Still, wasn't necessarily the best decision for the daughter.

Are you saying she'd have been better off with a father who doesn't want a child? At least the aunt was willing to take her in. I have to disagree with you, OP, but then, we only know what you've told us, and perhaps YOU don't know the whole story. This is all second, third or fourth hand, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - a lot of women do this, too. I know two women who abandoned their children. One moved across the country but does have a relationship with her child (she sees her twice a year) and the other one flat out abandoned the child and even the dad has no idea what happened to her. So you ladies need to shut it about this being a man only thing. Absolutely not true.

I never said it was a man issue. I worked with families, I have seen it all. Never someone whose spouse died and adopted out their toddler child shortly after.

It's almost certainly better to adopt out the child while they are still very young.

Yes but not after a year, and not for convenience. Therein lies the difference...

[Anonymous]

Stories like this are radicalizing to me. The fact that a man can still do this, in this day and age, and not just be shunned by society, is grotesque.

I know of a woman who bailed on her kids, left them with their (wonderful) father to go "live her own life" and she was rightly shunned by the whole community, including her parents and siblings and her oldest friends.

That's misogyny at work right there. As long as men are allowed to just abandon their children when it suits them, it's a problem for society. And it's been like this forever. And our president elect has even done this! (With Tiffany).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Think of it this way. It was the best decision of his life.

And as PP said... men abandon children, even their own. Mothers are biologically wired to not abandon their children (with few exceptions), due to changes that happen in their brain during pregnancy, birth and the post-partum period. The bonding is far greater.

You could be right. He went on to have many broken relationships. Still, wasn't necessarily the best decision for the daughter.

Are you saying she'd have been better off with a father who doesn't want a child? At least the aunt was willing to take her in. I have to disagree with you, OP, but then, we only know what you've told us, and perhaps YOU don't know the whole story. This is all second, third or fourth hand, right?

No from him. He got the vasectomy so he wouldn't have a child he didn't want, and could fool around without worrying. True, better than abandoning more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stories like this are radicalizing to me. The fact that a man can still do this, in this day and age, and not just be shunned by society, is grotesque.

I know of a woman who bailed on her kids, left them with their (wonderful) father to go "live her own life" and she was rightly shunned by the whole community, including her parents and siblings and her oldest friends.

That's misogyny at work right there. As long as men are allowed to just abandon their children when it suits them, it's a problem for society. And it's been like this forever. And our president elect has even done this! (With Tiffany).

I didn't know you could adopt your child out after a year because you simply didn't want to take care of them. He didn't want to be a single dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - a lot of women do this, too. I know two women who abandoned their children. One moved across the country but does have a relationship with her child (she sees her twice a year) and the other one flat out abandoned the child and even the dad has no idea what happened to her. So you ladies need to shut it about this being a man only thing. Absolutely not true.

I never said it was a man issue. I worked with families, I have seen it all. Never someone whose spouse died and adopted out their toddler child shortly after.

It's almost certainly better to adopt out the child while they are still very young.

Yes but not after a year, and not for convenience. Therein lies the difference...

Certainly it's better at one year than at 5 years. I don't know why you're doubling down here. You're wrong and judgmental.