Mom's who use the b-day invite as a weapon...

[Anonymous]

Wow. My DD is three and pretty bright, if I do say so myself, but I honestly don't think she'd bat an eye to see someone else have a party and not be going. I mean I hightly doubt from that she'd extrapolate that the person was excluding her because they didn't like her. No way. That would not occur to her. I don't think the possiblity of people not liking her has occured to her.

Anyway maybe that's just my kid, but this seems so weird to me. If my neighbor had a party for her daughter and we weren't invited (and we are friends and do have children the same age) I'd just think she had other people she knew better she needed/wanted to invite. Like I wouldn't think it was about excluding ME but rather INLCUDING the other people, kwim? And to think they weren't really your friend because they excluded your three year old from a party? Not to be mean, but how do you react when actual bad things happen to you?

Also the fact that, at 11, your daughter has never been excluded from anything before or since might not bode for how she will handle the INEVITABLE rejection she will face at some point in life over something. But maybe she really is just a very likable kid and that's great. I mean this in the nicest way possible though...your reaction to the party when she was little makes you sound...unreasonalbe. Hard as it is life is easier and happier for those with a little thicker skin.

I'm not PP, but please your dc is THREE.

She did not say her daughter has NEVER been excluded from anything.

Read the thread more carefully and come back with a response when you've been on the receiving end of the sort of behavior I, the OP described.

The post I was responding to is quoted above and in it she described her daughter as three years old at the time she was "snubbed" and at 11 having "never before or since been excluded from anything."

Maybe YOU need to read more carefully! I wasn't writing in response to the OP but rather the PP I quoted.

[Anonymous]

OP here: that really is not what I said. 9 and 10 year olds have parties where they invite 10 out of the 12 boys in the class.

If there are only 12 boys in the class, I think that it is insensitive to invite most, but not all of them. The exception would be if one or two of them have treated the birthday boy in a really mean or rotten way such that their presence would ruin the party for him. I would not invite kids who had picked on or taunted my son in a cruel manner to his party. Otherwise, I would invite either the whole class, or just 3 or 4 of his closest friends. If I did not invite the whole class, I would not mention the party to parents of children that I had not invited unless they asked me specifically about it. This seems like basic common sense and good manners.

If 10 out of 12 boys were invited and my son was not one of them, when the host talked to me about how difficult it is to plan the party, I would say, "It makes me feel a little uncomfortable to talk about X's party when almost all of the other kids in DS's class were invited and DS was not. Would you mind if we talked about something else instead?" and then just change the topic. I don't see any reason not to voice how you are feeling in a polite, respectful way. You're not insisting that she invite your child, nor are you being confrontational and bringing up the topic.

If my child were upset about the party, I would talk to him about the fact that he is good person, and many people like him. However, people may have other friends that they are closer to, and maybe the classmate just couldn't invite everyone. I would also tell him that even if some people don't like him, that's ok, because others do. Just like there are some kids he doesn't like, there are going to be some kids who don't like him, and that’s ok. I might also let my child invite one or two friends to do something special like a sleepover to reinforce his confidence in his friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here: that really is not what I said. 9 and 10 year olds have parties where they invite 10 out of the 12 boys in the class.

If there are only 12 boys in the class, I think that it is insensitive to invite most, but not all of them. The exception would be if one or two of them have treated the birthday boy in a really mean or rotten way such that their presence would ruin the party for him. I would not invite kids who had picked on or taunted my son in a cruel manner to his party. Otherwise, I would invite either the whole class, or just 3 or 4 of his closest friends. If I did not invite the whole class, I would not mention the party to parents of children that I had not invited unless they asked me specifically about it. This seems like basic common sense and good manners.

If 10 out of 12 boys were invited and my son was not one of them, when the host talked to me about how difficult it is to plan the party, I would say, "It makes me feel a little uncomfortable to talk about X's party when almost all of the other kids in DS's class were invited and DS was not. Would you mind if we talked about something else instead?" and then just change the topic. I don't see any reason not to voice how you are feeling in a polite, respectful way. You're not insisting that she invite your child, nor are you being confrontational and bringing up the topic.

Thanks for your comments. Basic common sense and good manners are very lacking around here. The advice you gave on what to say--I would not be able to say such a bold thing in the face this type of rudeness. It usually catches me so off guard. I wish I had your nerve.

[Anonymous]

pp here--also I usually don't want to keep talking with the person so changing the topic would just prolong my contact with the person when really I want to disengage with them totally.

[Anonymous]

I would not be able to say such a bold thing in the face this type of rudeness.

To make sure I'm being clear in the suggestion - I would definitely make the statement in a tone that was not bitchy, sarcastic, or mean. I would say it in the same tenor that you would ask your spouse to turn down the TV if it were a bit too loud. You're just identifying something that the other person is doing that's bothering you, and politely asking them not to do it any more.

[Anonymous]

OP, your children will follow your lead. If you make not being invited to a party into a big deal, then of course they will too. Teach them to be kind, teach them to handle exclusion graciously and teach them that things like this are not an accurate measure of their worth as individuals. Don't model revenge, bitterness, snubbing people back. In the long run, they and you will be better for it.

Does it hurt sometimes? Yes. Do you need to be the bigger person? Absolutely.