Teen DS doesn't want to spend time with blended family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

And that's fine. They were thrust upon him with no choice after 17 years. He doesnt need to feel like they are his siblings. Because they're not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

I hate to break it to the step mom but if these kids are hers and not OP’s ex’s, her son may have absolutely zero interest in forming a sibling relationship with them. They aren’t his siblings and while she may picture traditions and memories, he may not. He wants a relationship with his dad and if his dad continues to choose her kids, he may not spend time with them or his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

I hate to break it to the step mom but if these kids are hers and not OP’s ex’s, her son may have absolutely zero interest in forming a sibling relationship with them. They aren’t his siblings and while she may picture traditions and memories, he may not. He wants a relationship with his dad and if his dad continues to choose her kids, he may not spend time with them or his dad.

This doesn't sound like its pushing a relationship. This looks like stepmom demanding he take all four kids so she can get a break.

[Anonymous]

I have a more jaded take: step mom is desperate to blend the family so exDH considers her kids "his".

Not going to work to force it with such a large age gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s be honest… at the end of the day, this child is living between two homes, a broken family. He does not have a sense of belonging. His father now has a family of his own. They are trying to incorporate him into their life but he isn’t having it. He just wants to be a solo kid but guess what, he isn’t! He has siblings. He has to share his father. He isn’t entitled to one on one time with his dad.

I seriously hope you don't have children. He has every right to one on one time with his dad. Realistically ALL children are entitled to one on one time with a parent. Don't have more children than you can reasonable provide care to.

Don’t create a broken home for your child. Only two people put him in this situation; mom and dad

Sometimes its not the parent's choice. My husband's ex choose to cheat and leave to live with her AP. He would have stayed married for the kids despite the cheating.

In this case I think stepmom cannot be bothered with her kids and pawns them off to dad.

[Anonymous]

Is it the same person commenting over and over about mom wanting to pawn the kids off on the dad? I'd be surprised if that's a majority take. This woman must have been a single mom before she married the OP's DH, so it can't be that big of a deal for her to watch her own kids for a few hours. Plus OP has indicated the mom wants family bonding and gets involved in all the phone calls and texts. I agree with the PP that thinks step-mom wants the kids to bond because she's pressing that they are siblings, and therefore, DH's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it the same person commenting over and over about mom wanting to pawn the kids off on the dad? I'd be surprised if that's a majority take. This woman must have been a single mom before she married the OP's DH, so it can't be that big of a deal for her to watch her own kids for a few hours. Plus OP has indicated the mom wants family bonding and gets involved in all the phone calls and texts. I agree with the PP that thinks step-mom wants the kids to bond because she's pressing that they are siblings, and therefore, DH's kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

I am curious if the step kids father is in their life? Both emotionally and financially? This lady is staking her claim.

[Anonymous]

My dad remarried a lady with 3 kids. My siblings and I LOVED her kids and we actually blended pretty well for many years.

Then dad and step mom got divorced and it was another loss and complication for all the kids.

Then dad got married to another lady with kids and expected us to play happy family again. He ended up divorcing her as well.

So I have two sets of ex step siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it the same person commenting over and over about mom wanting to pawn the kids off on the dad? I'd be surprised if that's a majority take. This woman must have been a single mom before she married the OP's DH, so it can't be that big of a deal for her to watch her own kids for a few hours. Plus OP has indicated the mom wants family bonding and gets involved in all the phone calls and texts. I agree with the PP that thinks step-mom wants the kids to bond because she's pressing that they are siblings, and therefore, DH's kids.

Then why can't son go out alone with dad for a few hours? Just because she was a single mom does not mean she could handle her own kids.

[Anonymous]

Under no circumstances should you be the mediator because it will blow back on you. Get a counselor, have the counselor be the mediator.

[Anonymous]

Agree, OP, do not insert yourself in the middle of this, it will make things worse. I'd set up a therapist for DS and his father to see, NOT SM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad remarried a lady with 3 kids. My siblings and I LOVED her kids and we actually blended pretty well for many years.

Then dad and step mom got divorced and it was another loss and complication for all the kids.

Then dad got married to another lady with kids and expected us to play happy family again. He ended up divorcing her as well.

So I have two sets of ex step siblings.

Ugh so sorry PP. My ex didn't marry, but had a kid with a woman who had 2 other kids. My son lived with them for just over 2 years when everything blew up. He's never seen those kids ever again. Took a year for him to get to see his half sibling again too.

[Anonymous]

I’ve lived a similar scenario OP, although my son is now 22. My XH remarried a woman with a child and proceeded to have another child with her and his relationship with my son became very superficial. After he got remarried my son was no longer a priority and everything became about the blended family. As smothering as the stepmom is, this issue lies entirely with your XH.

My advice is to not manage their relationship. This is a choice your XH is making. Just be there for your son to vent to and to confide in. And support him. I guarantee this situation strengthens the bond you have with him. Every kid needs a stable, reliable parent. The tricky part is to offer your support without saying anything bad about your XH or his wife. Don’t make excuses for them but it’s important to not add your own opinions of them into the conversation. As much as an idiot as your XH is being, and as frustrating as the situation is this is still your son’s father. And he’s figuring out what a tool his dad is on his own. Just be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe you that stepmom seems determined for her new blended family to be joined at the hip, and I’m sure she is as exhausting and cloying as you say, but some food for thought…She’s desperate to form sibling bonds between your son and her kids ASAP for the same reason your ds is prioritizing special time alone with his dad: your ds is headed off to college next year and his childhood days are numbered. The opportunity for these kids to grow up together and form family traditions, special memories, inside jokes, etc., is very limited. If they don’t feel like siblings when your son goes off to college, they likely never will.

Which is fine.