Do women expect a ring at 1 year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course not. If we are interested in marriage, we will broach the conversation. If she hasn’t or hasn’t advanced the conversation, how presumptuous are you to think she’s even interested in marriage, much less to you?

OP here. We have talked marriage and babies and she wants those things. She doesn’t want kids until at least 30 because of her career. She has said she is no rush. She also values marriage and takes it seriously.

Right. So you need to open your eyes to her timeline. If you propose today, then she's on track to have a kid in her early 30s. If you delay, that pushes it back. Did you ask her how old she's willing to be, as a parent? And how old she's willing to have YOU be?

It seems like you're an avoidant attachment type, and you're avoiding marriage, and you avoided your last relationship, and you're likely to continue to avoid marriage and then to avoid having kids, and then to avoid parenting them. And you're full of rationalizations and excuses about work and big decisions and your family's opinions (why that matters is a mystery to me), but the bottom line is that if you wanted to marry her, you'd be getting ready to propose. Not asking people on the internet to validate your reasons to delay.

Again, how old a dad do you want to be?

OP here. Definitely not. I’m not avoidant of marriage. I just value it.

She doesn’t have an issue with my age. She has even said she only dates men older because men her age are too immature or not financially wise yet. She has her stuff together, and needed a man who does, too.

I never said I wouldn’t marry her. If she wanted marriage tomorrow, I would give her a ring, but she isn’t in a rush. I don’t see the issue of giving our relationship another year before getting engaged. Ideally we also live together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend is coming up shortly, and I’m being hounded by family and friends to propose to her. My parents have told me to not let her get away, as well as many of my closest friends. My girlfriend and I have had a great relationship but I’m just not ready. I love her but I feel 1 year is too short to make a lifelong commitment, and I don’t see the rush.

What do you need to know to make a decision? What are you doing to collect that information?
Same questions for your girlfriend.

Are you cohabitating?
If you break up, sooner or later, you'll be starting that 1+ year clock over again.


It's easy to dream of a future that you aren't working to achieve, right until it's too late.

OP here. We just need more time, and ideally, I want to live together. My brother and his now wife moved in together after getting engaged, and almost called off their wedding when they realized they couldn’t live well together. They love each other and eventually worked it out after therapy.

I think the next step is moving in together and us living as a couple and being around each other almost 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are 35, devout Catholic, unmarried, and don't feel any sense or need of progress toward marriage and kids, I don't think you being completely honest with yourself.

OP here. I wouldn’t say I’m a devout catholic. I just don’t believe in divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course not. If we are interested in marriage, we will broach the conversation. If she hasn’t or hasn’t advanced the conversation, how presumptuous are you to think she’s even interested in marriage, much less to you?

OP here. We have talked marriage and babies and she wants those things. She doesn’t want kids until at least 30 because of her career. She has said she is no rush. She also values marriage and takes it seriously.

Right. So you need to open your eyes to her timeline. If you propose today, then she's on track to have a kid in her early 30s. If you delay, that pushes it back. Did you ask her how old she's willing to be, as a parent? And how old she's willing to have YOU be?

It seems like you're an avoidant attachment type, and you're avoiding marriage, and you avoided your last relationship, and you're likely to continue to avoid marriage and then to avoid having kids, and then to avoid parenting them. And you're full of rationalizations and excuses about work and big decisions and your family's opinions (why that matters is a mystery to me), but the bottom line is that if you wanted to marry her, you'd be getting ready to propose. Not asking people on the internet to validate your reasons to delay.

Again, how old a dad do you want to be?

+1 the one year mark is arbitrary, but it does seem like OP has some avoidance issues.

If you really love her, and see her as "the one", you will pop the question with no hesitation. But, you make excuses, or you are fearful, or this or that... you are coming up with everything and anything to avoid it.

When will you know for sure? This is a "you" problem, not a timeline problem.

Don't string her along. That's unfair to her if you know she wants to eventually have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are 35, devout Catholic, unmarried, and don't feel any sense or need of progress toward marriage and kids, I don't think you being completely honest with yourself.

OP here. I wouldn’t say I’m a devout catholic. I just don’t believe in divorce.

I hope you are planning on going to premarriage counseling if you decide to eventually pop the question. I think you've got some baggage there you need to unpack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I believe taking care of your family is a man’s job."

Your 28 year old girlfriend who is still intent on building her career, does she know this?

OP here. She does. She can have a career. I still believe it’s important that I provide for most of our expenses and offer her the opportunity to stay home, take extended mat leave, retire her early, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

That's baloney. You shouldn't get married because you need to get away from your controlling family. Seek therapy because you are too enmeshed.

OP here. I’m a catholic. They are not controlling. Many people don’t take marriage seriously but I do. Too many people get married with the idea they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years. That’s not what I want for my life or my future kids. They deserve a two parent household with happy parents.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This changes everything. I hope you aren’t fornicating with this woman. So you’ve been dating chastely for a whole year and still haven’t figured it out? I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but how can you pull the Catholic card when you want to live with her before marriage? Why are you so worried about divorce when you know it’s not permitted in your religion? Now you seem really, really unserious and immature/confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are 35, devout Catholic, unmarried, and don't feel any sense or need of progress toward marriage and kids, I don't think you being completely honest with yourself.

OP here. I wouldn’t say I’m a devout catholic. I just don’t believe in divorce.

I hope you are planning on going to premarriage counseling if you decide to eventually pop the question. I think you've got some baggage there you need to unpack.

OP here. We likely will.

I don’t think I have baggage because I don’t believe in divorce. Too many people go into marriage with the mindset they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years after having kids. I value marriage and want more than that for my future kids. I honestly think lack of marriage and two parent households are why the youth are failing miserably. They have nothing but bad examples and little guidance.

[Anonymous]

Yeah divorce avoidance isn't the goal. People get divorced because because one or both of the people involved are self centered and never put the relationship as #1. As crappy as your ex was to cheat, it sounds to me your career ambitions were #1, but you were putting your career first. It sounds like you continue to focus on career and finances, as if you could perfectly engineer a theoretical marriage. It also sounds like your girlfriend is also currently career focused.

Who are you two actually going to be when married? People don't just conveniently shift their entire set of priorities and expectations, their dreams just of marriage. You can think your future self can, but you're just putting that on someone who doesn't actually exist yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

That's baloney. You shouldn't get married because you need to get away from your controlling family. Seek therapy because you are too enmeshed.

OP here. I’m a catholic. They are not controlling. Many people don’t take marriage seriously but I do. Too many people get married with the idea they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years. That’s not what I want for my life or my future kids. They deserve a two parent household with happy parents.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This changes everything. I hope you aren’t fornicating with this woman. So you’ve been dating chastely for a whole year and still haven’t figured it out? I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but how can you pull the Catholic card when you want to live with her before marriage? Why are you so worried about divorce when you know it’s not permitted in your religion? Now you seem really, really unserious and immature/confused.

OP here. You can be raised in a religion and not follow it fully. There are many Catholics who still believe in things that most Catholics don’t. Most Catholics don’t believe in premarital sex, same sex marriage, abortion, divorce, etc., but you have many Catholics nowadays who are okay with all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course not. If we are interested in marriage, we will broach the conversation. If she hasn’t or hasn’t advanced the conversation, how presumptuous are you to think she’s even interested in marriage, much less to you?

OP here. We have talked marriage and babies and she wants those things. She doesn’t want kids until at least 30 because of her career. She has said she is no rush. She also values marriage and takes it seriously.

Right. So you need to open your eyes to her timeline. If you propose today, then she's on track to have a kid in her early 30s. If you delay, that pushes it back. Did you ask her how old she's willing to be, as a parent? And how old she's willing to have YOU be?

It seems like you're an avoidant attachment type, and you're avoiding marriage, and you avoided your last relationship, and you're likely to continue to avoid marriage and then to avoid having kids, and then to avoid parenting them. And you're full of rationalizations and excuses about work and big decisions and your family's opinions (why that matters is a mystery to me), but the bottom line is that if you wanted to marry her, you'd be getting ready to propose. Not asking people on the internet to validate your reasons to delay.

Again, how old a dad do you want to be?

+1 the one year mark is arbitrary, but it does seem like OP has some avoidance issues.

If you really love her, and see her as "the one", you will pop the question with no hesitation. But, you make excuses, or you are fearful, or this or that... you are coming up with everything and anything to avoid it.

When will you know for sure? This is a "you" problem, not a timeline problem.

Don't string her along. That's unfair to her if you know she wants to eventually have children.

OP here. I don’t believe in the stupid notion of “ the one”. It’s just as laughable as astrology and people actually believing their sign dictates their personality.

[Anonymous]

I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are 35, devout Catholic, unmarried, and don't feel any sense or need of progress toward marriage and kids, I don't think you being completely honest with yourself.

OP here. I wouldn’t say I’m a devout catholic. I just don’t believe in divorce.

I hope you are planning on going to premarriage counseling if you decide to eventually pop the question. I think you've got some baggage there you need to unpack.

OP here. We likely will.

I don’t think I have baggage because I don’t believe in divorce. Too many people go into marriage with the mindset they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years after having kids. I value marriage and want more than that for my future kids. I honestly think lack of marriage and two parent households are why the youth are failing miserably. They have nothing but bad examples and little guidance.

Look, no one believes in divorce. Every person who got married believed it would last. But honestly in some marriages that go terribly wrong divorce is not the worst thing. Try two people who hate each other living together.

It's like abortion. Sometimes you want the baby but the baby doesn't have a brain so you have to choose what you don't want.

Have you ever asked her if she wants to marry you? Some women want to get married but say they don't because they don't want to scare them away.

I honestly don't think you are ready for marriage because you have a lot of set beliefs bit you haven't shared with your girlfriend. If my dd was your girlfriend I would encourage her to break up with you. Too many red flags. Sorry!

If you are living together and having sex you are a caferteria Catholic. One who picks and chooses. You think divorce is bad and yet you are living in sin. Can't have it both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

Okay, so you'll be 37 by the time you're engaged. 38 by the time you marry. 39 before you start TRYING for a baby. 40 when the baby is born. 42 at best when the second baby is born.

I dunno, man, honestly I would not choose that for my children.