Do women expect a ring at 1 year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

For this timeline, how old is she going to be when you guys get married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

That's baloney. You shouldn't get married because you need to get away from your controlling family. Seek therapy because you are too enmeshed.

OP here. I’m a catholic. They are not controlling. Many people don’t take marriage seriously but I do. Too many people get married with the idea they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years. That’s not what I want for my life or my future kids. They deserve a two parent household with happy parents.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This changes everything. I hope you aren’t fornicating with this woman. So you’ve been dating chastely for a whole year and still haven’t figured it out? I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but how can you pull the Catholic card when you want to live with her before marriage? Why are you so worried about divorce when you know it’s not permitted in your religion? Now you seem really, really unserious and immature/confused.

OP here. You can be raised in a religion and not follow it fully. There are many Catholics who still believe in things that most Catholics don’t. Most Catholics don’t believe in premarital sex, same sex marriage, abortion, divorce, etc., but you have many Catholics nowadays who are okay with all of this.

So you take the church’s teaching on marriage seriously (that it’s for life with no divorce), and conveniently none of the other things. I’m telling you now brother, you are not ready for marriage in either the catholic or the secular sense.

[Anonymous]

At what point will you feel you are too old to have a newborn? Because if you're setting this woman up that you'll only have a very very narrow window of time in which having children is acceptable, then she's at risk of having no children at all if they don't come easily.

Have you been candid with your girlfriend about your very very long late 30s indecisive avoidant man timeline? Does she love the idea of having a newborn with you in your mid-40s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are 35, devout Catholic, unmarried, and don't feel any sense or need of progress toward marriage and kids, I don't think you being completely honest with yourself.

OP here. I wouldn’t say I’m a devout catholic. I just don’t believe in divorce.

I hope you are planning on going to premarriage counseling if you decide to eventually pop the question. I think you've got some baggage there you need to unpack.

OP here. We likely will.

I don’t think I have baggage because I don’t believe in divorce. Too many people go into marriage with the mindset they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years after having kids. I value marriage and want more than that for my future kids. I honestly think lack of marriage and two parent households are why the youth are failing miserably. They have nothing but bad examples and little guidance.

You've talked a lot about what other people do or bad experiences they've had. Stop focusing on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

Perhaps share this timeline with your girlfriend to see if she’s on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are 35, devout Catholic, unmarried, and don't feel any sense or need of progress toward marriage and kids, I don't think you being completely honest with yourself.

OP here. I wouldn’t say I’m a devout catholic. I just don’t believe in divorce.

I hope you are planning on going to premarriage counseling if you decide to eventually pop the question. I think you've got some baggage there you need to unpack.

OP here. We likely will.

I don’t think I have baggage because I don’t believe in divorce. Too many people go into marriage with the mindset they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years after having kids. I value marriage and want more than that for my future kids. I honestly think lack of marriage and two parent households are why the youth are failing miserably. They have nothing but bad examples and little guidance.

Look, no one believes in divorce. Every person who got married believed it would last. But honestly in some marriages that go terribly wrong divorce is not the worst thing. Try two people who hate each other living together.

It's like abortion. Sometimes you want the baby but the baby doesn't have a brain so you have to choose what you don't want.

Have you ever asked her if she wants to marry you? Some women want to get married but say they don't because they don't want to scare them away.

I honestly don't think you are ready for marriage because you have a lot of set beliefs bit you haven't shared with your girlfriend. If my dd was your girlfriend I would encourage her to break up with you. Too many red flags. Sorry!

If you are living together and having sex you are a caferteria Catholic. One who picks and chooses. You think divorce is bad and yet you are living in sin. Can't have it both ways.

OP here. Not true. I know several women who have said they could just get divorced if it doesn’t work out. All were co-workers and just married to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

It’s not a rush, but it’s common sense that you can make this decision in a reasonable amount of time. You’re thirty five for pete’s sake!

If you’ve never thought about marrying a woman before at your big age, what were you doing with women up until then? What kind of metric of assurance do you expect to meet before you are ready?

I would agree that you’re not ready for marriage, but that doesn’t mean it’s a “rush” to get engaged at one year. It means you are fairly immature and have not yet seriously evaluated what you want out of life. It’s not fair to do this kind of soul searching on another person’s time.

OP here. Again, I don’t believe in divorce and want to get it right. Between 32 and 35, I was working on solidifying my financial future.

I also took a break for a bit because my serious relationship before my current ended terribly when I found out she was cheating on me with multiple men.

I’ve worked hard to obtain several degrees and work my way up in my career. I’ve spent the last several years making sure I have a good financial backing for when I have a family. Being an active parent is extremely important to me, and I’ve set myself up where I can take off time or work less hours a week, and still provide for my family. I earn enough and have enough in savings and investments to support my future wife if she chooses to stay home. These are the things that are really important to me before I have a family.

OP here. This is exactly what my dad did. I believe kids need both parents. My dad was able to be home by 4pm daily to care for us. He was at every sports activity, school event, celebration, etc. He was able to provide my mom with the luxury of taking years off work to raise us. They both retired early and live every comfortably after sending all 4 kids to college and buying multiple homes. This is the same life I want to offer my future family.

Oh, snd my ex cheated on me because I didn’t give her enough of my time, even though I was working hard to setup our future together.

So you get married at 36 and have kids at 38, 40, and 42. By the time your oldest is 5 and playing after-school sports, you're 43. By then, if you don't have your career together enough to be able to get home by 4 p.m. if that's what you want, then it's probably never going to happen. If you're like most men, you're probably not getting home at 4 during the difficult toddler years.

OP here. I’m doing very well now and I do have the financial freedom to do just this.

I believe taking care of your family is a man’s job. It’s important that I can provide for my family, even in a tragic event.

A former co-worker of mine husband passed away in a tragic accident and left her and her young kids without any financial backing. A co-worker of a buddy of mine passed away 3 years into marriage from a brain tumor. They had a young infant child. Thankfully his family is financially secure. One of my uncles also passed says young leaving my aunt to raise a family of 3 kids by herself. She had to work 3 jobs to make ends meet.

If these things ever happen, I would want my family to be financially taken care of.

Most of thr people I know are older parents. That doesn’t really bother me.

You can buy life insurance and disability insurance for the above types of circumstances.

At this point, you need to figure out what else you need to know about her before you propose. Premarital counseling can help you with that. And you need to talk to her to make sure you both still see a future with each other and the timeline you each envision. What matters is that you both agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

Okay, so you'll be 37 by the time you're engaged. 38 by the time you marry. 39 before you start TRYING for a baby. 40 when the baby is born. 42 at best when the second baby is born.

I dunno, man, honestly I would not choose that for my children.

OP here. I just turned 35 in April. I will be 37 when married and first kid at 38/39.

I find it funny so many people are commenting on age when this forum is filled with couples who waited until 35+ to marry and have kids. So many other threads encouraging people to have kids at my age and saying it’s not too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

For this timeline, how old is she going to be when you guys get married?

OP here. She will be 29/30 when we get married.

[Anonymous]

My husband proposed after 2.5 years of dating. We weren’t ready to get married before then. We were engaged for a year and a half before we were married.

I’m glad we took our time. We were young enough that this timeline didn’t affect our ability to have children. We also didn’t feel rushed or pressured into marriage. That’s more difficult later in life when in mid to late 30s but you should propose when you have really thought about it and know that you want to marry her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

Perhaps share this timeline with your girlfriend to see if she’s on the same page.

OP said the girlfriend just turned 28. So he's not even going to propose until she's 30. Then she'll be 31 before they marry. Then she'll be 32 before they even start trying to have a baby. So 33, at best. Second baby at 35, at best, so she's advanced maternal age. If she wants a third kid, it might be dicey.

And the big risk here is that the girlfriend is putting her prime childbearing years at risk for a man who is avoidant and may or may not ever propose and may or may not be willing to have a baby when the time comes.

What's your philosophical belief on IVF, by the way, OP? Since you're headed for fertility trouble at the rate you're going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

That's baloney. You shouldn't get married because you need to get away from your controlling family. Seek therapy because you are too enmeshed.

OP here. I’m a catholic. They are not controlling. Many people don’t take marriage seriously but I do. Too many people get married with the idea they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years. That’s not what I want for my life or my future kids. They deserve a two parent household with happy parents.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This changes everything. I hope you aren’t fornicating with this woman. So you’ve been dating chastely for a whole year and still haven’t figured it out? I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but how can you pull the Catholic card when you want to live with her before marriage? Why are you so worried about divorce when you know it’s not permitted in your religion? Now you seem really, really unserious and immature/confused.

OP here. You can be raised in a religion and not follow it fully. There are many Catholics who still believe in things that most Catholics don’t. Most Catholics don’t believe in premarital sex, same sex marriage, abortion, divorce, etc., but you have many Catholics nowadays who are okay with all of this.

So you take the church’s teaching on marriage seriously (that it’s for life with no divorce), and conveniently none of the other things. I’m telling you now brother, you are not ready for marriage in either the catholic or the secular sense.

OP here. I’m saying many “ Catholics” on the left say they’re catholic but believe in what I listed. A devout catholic doesn’t believe in birth control, same sex marriage, or abortion. It’s all a sin. Many Catholics these days are not real Catholics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you just want to be DINKs then who cares. Also at your age, she might be best you'll ever be able to do. Let's say she hits 30 and all her friends start hitting their major life milestones and you're still not ready, but she is, and dumps you. You're now back in the dating pool with a different, older crowd of women.

OP here. Most older men always find younger women. They almost always pass up the older women for younger. Not saying it’s right but I think men my age still go for 23-30 year old women.

My point is that they are less likely to go for you as you age.

OP here. I don’t agree with that. Many men my age still date younger women and I think they can always get that. It’s women over 35 that have a harder time of ever finding a partner because men my age won’t date them.

OP, you’re gross and have cultish ideas about things. It took some prodding with these comments, but you’ve surely revealed yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you two?

Why do you feel like you’re not ready to make a life long commitment? Is it something about her, or something about commitment?

OP here. I’m in love with and see a future with her. I’ve never thought about marrying a woman before I met her. It’s still just scary because my family doesn’t believe in divorce and it’s a lifelong commitment. I don’t feel like there is a rush when it’s a decision that can determine the rest of your life.

That's baloney. You shouldn't get married because you need to get away from your controlling family. Seek therapy because you are too enmeshed.

OP here. I’m a catholic. They are not controlling. Many people don’t take marriage seriously but I do. Too many people get married with the idea they can just divorce in 10 or 20 years. That’s not what I want for my life or my future kids. They deserve a two parent household with happy parents.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This changes everything. I hope you aren’t fornicating with this woman. So you’ve been dating chastely for a whole year and still haven’t figured it out? I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, but how can you pull the Catholic card when you want to live with her before marriage? Why are you so worried about divorce when you know it’s not permitted in your religion? Now you seem really, really unserious and immature/confused.

OP here. You can be raised in a religion and not follow it fully. There are many Catholics who still believe in things that most Catholics don’t. Most Catholics don’t believe in premarital sex, same sex marriage, abortion, divorce, etc., but you have many Catholics nowadays who are okay with all of this.

So you take the church’s teaching on marriage seriously (that it’s for life with no divorce), and conveniently none of the other things. I’m telling you now brother, you are not ready for marriage in either the catholic or the secular sense.

OP here. I’m saying many “ Catholics” on the left say they’re catholic but believe in what I listed. A devout catholic doesn’t believe in birth control, same sex marriage, or abortion. It’s all a sin. Many Catholics these days are not real Catholics.

Well then, any “devout” Catholic that’s killed in a war is a sinner too, by your standards. Can’t win with some people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say year 2 is when women expect a ring.

I really don't think living together helps you know the person much more than anything else.

OP here. This is more my timeline. I would like to live together in the next 6 months and be engaged by 2 years. Then a year of engagement. Maybe 1 year of marriage and then kids.

Okay, so you'll be 37 by the time you're engaged. 38 by the time you marry. 39 before you start TRYING for a baby. 40 when the baby is born. 42 at best when the second baby is born.

I dunno, man, honestly I would not choose that for my children.

OP here. I just turned 35 in April. I will be 37 when married and first kid at 38/39.

I find it funny so many people are commenting on age when this forum is filled with couples who waited until 35+ to marry and have kids. So many other threads encouraging people to have kids at my age and saying it’s not too late.

No, you said live together within the next 6 months, be engaged within 2 years, then a year of engagement before marriage. So you will likely be older than 37 when married and 38/39 when the baby is born. Assuming fertility goes well, which it might not.

It's not too late, but it's also a greater chance of having trouble. Waiting because you haven't met the right person is different from waiting because you're indecisive or risk-averse.