Downsizing In Laws

[Anonymous]

My parents traveled the world, collecting all sorts of interesting and beautiful items. When they downsized last summer, they moved first, taking what they wanted and could fit in the new place. The kids were then given a month to come get what they wanted. Then the very nice stuff was given away via local buy nothing groups. (My mom was thrilled to see these items make so many people happy; people wrote thank you notes or sent pictures of the items in their homes.) The mundane but still useful items were taken to a thrift store. Then junk haulers were called the the rest.

[Anonymous]

I blame the elderly parents, and of course IT IS their fault.

People have an obligation to deal with their own crap and that includes purging your own hoard when you are still young enough to deal with it largely on your own - with the exception of hiring some young strong bodies to move stuff once you’ve determined the destination of all the stuff.

But it is easier to put it off for another day. My cousin is middle aged and she and her husband have a large and always expanding hoard and she is still holding on to most of her mothers and grandmothers stuff though they are long dead. Cousin and her husband both struggle with that mental block about everything having value and needing to get something for it and just not grasping that the constant dread of someday dealing with their massive hoard is robbing them of peace of mind as well as loads of useful space.

In my mid 40s I experienced a life circumstance that essentially forced me to purge 75% of my accumulated stuff, after a major relocation had forced me to lose a lot in my early 30s once already.

Every so often I miss a thing, but I don’t let the feeling last too long. At mid 50s I’m glad that I have a very small hoard of treasures, and I work hard to refrain from adding to it - if anything I keep purging here and there. I don’t want to leave any headaches to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It isn't trash. My FIL was very senior in the State DEpartmnet and spent a lot of time in Persia. There are dozens of rugs worth thousands each, countless woerks of art that could be worth $50 or $50,000. There are the usual boxes of magazines and records comingled with a century of family photos. My MIL has pre war Japanese china and a few crockery pieces that supposedly came from England in the 17th century. It isn't junk and it takes time t properly pack and store. DH doesn't want to part with it and wnats to keep it in the family.

Sorry, they aren't like your inlaws living in trailers on cat food.

That's pretty low class, OP.

Wow OP you really suck and I have zero sympathy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It isn't trash. My FIL was very senior in the State DEpartmnet and spent a lot of time in Persia. There are dozens of rugs worth thousands each, countless woerks of art that could be worth $50 or $50,000. There are the usual boxes of magazines and records comingled with a century of family photos. My MIL has pre war Japanese china and a few crockery pieces that supposedly came from England in the 17th century. It isn't junk and it takes time t properly pack and store. DH doesn't want to part with it and wnats to keep it in the family.

Sorry, they aren't like your inlaws living in trailers on cat food.

Oriental rugs aren't worth what they were when the Boomers were buying them. My family found a rug dealer in a Midwest city in the early 2010s to take a very fine 1960s wool rug once insured for $14K for maybe $400. I swear I saw it on Ebay listed by an NYC dealer for about $3K two years later. We needed it gone and didn't want to put it in the trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

It isn't trash. My FIL was very senior in the State DEpartmnet and spent a lot of time in Persia. There are dozens of rugs worth thousands each, countless woerks of art that could be worth $50 or $50,000. There are the usual boxes of magazines and records comingled with a century of family photos. My MIL has pre war Japanese china and a few crockery pieces that supposedly came from England in the 17th century. It isn't junk and it takes time t properly pack and store. DH doesn't want to part with it and wnats to keep it in the family.

Sorry, they aren't like your inlaws living in trailers on cat food.

I'll take the inlaws in the trailer over your HOARDER inlaws any day. Good thing they bought all those Persian rugs and Japanese china to stuff in their attic! They spent your dh's inheritance on that crap and now he gets to 'store' it all-enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Wow wow wow. I had been sympathetic until that rude update. I am going to try and give you the benefit of the doubt that you are feeling frustrated by the realization you have been massively wasting your time and lashed out. Because you absolutely have been wasting your time storing anything more than a few items with significant sentimental value.

My grandparents also thought their stuff was super special and valuable. As you have heard ad nauseam most of it is not. My grandmother had some very expensive jewelry- that held its value pretty well but it was just a few hours work to divide up what people wanted. And your MIL probably isn’t downsizing that.

I have a very old and at one point in time expensive set of wood furniture from my grandparents. We took it partly because we were broke and it was free and partly because they were having a hard time seeing all their stuff go to strangers. We are about to redo that room and that furniture will need to go. No one else in my extended family (which is large!) wants it. We will probably donate it to a refugee resettlement group.

The point is unless someone actively wants something right now, they are not going to want it later. And the majority of stuff is not going to be worth selling. Either follow the advice to bring an expert in or just donate everything. I really hope you weren’t planning to get a storage unit for this nightmare- please don’t do this again in 15 years when they die or put it off until your kids have to deal with it. My mom’s parents wasted thousands of dollars on a storage unit and they my mom had to go through the whole thing while grieving and she threw away everything but some letters and sentimental items. She has vowed not to do that to us.

[Anonymous]

OP - you are rude, but like PP above maybe you are clinging tightly to a sense of control, sanity and your patience.

Been there and have had to step aside from helping my helpless ILs. They’ve lived in the same house for 43 years and have a full unfinished basement that is quite literally packed to the rafters with a lifetime of…you name it. They have a two car garage that can only hold one car - one side has been taken over by a workbench, storage, tools, outdoor gear. FIL is the only driver and now owns 3 cars.

I’ve known my ILs for decades and they have joked about the state of their basement the entire time. They were going to do a massive clean out to ready the basement for a renovation in 1993. Asked DH to begin sorting through and take what he wanted (childhood mementos) around 1995. You see where this is going. It’s only worsened.

I will not involve myself in cleaning out their house, ever. I’m certain that this issue will come up when one or both die and or there’s a last minute panic to sell the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents traveled the world, collecting all sorts of interesting and beautiful items. When they downsized last summer, they moved first, taking what they wanted and could fit in the new place. The kids were then given a month to come get what they wanted. Then the very nice stuff was given away via local buy nothing groups. (My mom was thrilled to see these items make so many people happy; people wrote thank you notes or sent pictures of the items in their homes.) The mundane but still useful items were taken to a thrift store. Then junk haulers were called the the rest.

This is a lovely way to let go of one's possessions. Kudos to your parents.

[Anonymous]

Call 1-800-junk

[Anonymous]

People have an obligation to deal with their own crap

They’re dealing with it by keeping it because they want it, idiot. They have no obligation to throw out their own stuff now just because you (their selfish spiteful offspring) won’t want to deal with it someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Sorry, they aren't like your inlaws living in trailers on cat food.

Do you see how minuscule your problem is?

I’ve been through this several times and it’s stressful but it’s not starving. People are literally starving to death right now.

[Anonymous]

I would make it clear to your husband that all of this work is tiring you out & stressing you to the max.

Make a plan for either him or you AND him talk to the other two brothers + let them know that they need to help out (either by helping out physically or financially = outsourcing) or you will just opt out and either leave their parent’s things and/or toss them.

No ifs, ands or buts. 😕

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're going to pay to fly out one or both of the brothers, you're no better than they are. If "the money isn't there" from you to pay for help, why should "the money be there" from them?

You're not moving, your ILs are. You don't have to help. But if you're going to help, then help. It's a choice. Own your choices, live your choices.

Because everyone needs to pony up time or money. They’re not off the hook just because they’re far away. And if they want OP to keep doing this then they need to reimburse themselves for their time from the estate (whatever can be sold). Tell the brothers you charge $X/hour from now on for your services.