If your DH has a good female friend…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks…I guess I am worried, as I’m chatting with you guys at midnight. I’ll try to figure out a way to broach. We’ve talked about it in the past (I’d say it’s been going on for 7-8 months now) but pretty much hit a stone wall (“all is well, she’s in a committed marriage, I’ve never even come close to cheating in our 20 years together, this is just a friendship”). Now he’s more discreet about the texting (I think because I explained that it made me feel bad), but I still feel - excluded somehow, like he’s distracted. Then I try to be a fun conversationalist, and it feels awkward. Sigh.

You should not be feeling left out with your own husband. I would listen to your gut and yes - I would worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I am so grateful for so many insightful replies. It really helps to see things from different angles. I think I need to take the bull by the horns (hah) and try for another sit-down conversation with DH, drawing on some of the strategies you folks have suggested. Many many thanks

If you confront him head-on he will deny and start sneaking around.

This is true. But I understand OP’s impulse. She doesn’t want to go all CSI on her H without trying to honestly communicate. I tried the same thing, and eventually had to go digging. But I wasn’t comfortable digging until I had made a good faith effort to solve things through communication and honesty. When he kept lying? Forget it, I became Agatha freaking Christie. He never knew what hit him (and I say that with no glee. I left. It sucked. But I wasn’t going to let him cheat and stay. Eff that.).

Is he with her still?

[Anonymous]

Update, OP? Did you ask to see his phone?

I'm generally not the jealous type, and DH and I each have many friends of the opposite sex that we sometimes hang out with without our spouse and it's fine. Normal. But this texting stuff you are posting about would concern me (probably because my DH is a boomer and really doesn't text that much, though).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update, OP? Did you ask to see his phone?

I'm generally not the jealous type, and DH and I each have many friends of the opposite sex that we sometimes hang out with without our spouse and it's fine. Normal. But this texting stuff you are posting about would concern me (probably because my DH is a boomer and really doesn't text that much, though).

the question about the "cling-on female friend" was locked and Jeff says it's a "continuation" of this thread, so I guess it's still going on? But OP comes off looking way worse in that other thread.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are you?

[Anonymous]

I have two male friends with whom I text incessantly at times. I am 100% not sexually interested in either of them as one is unattractive and they are both married (one to a good friend of mine). They both help me with different things and there is absolutely nothing for their wives to think twice about. If I thought for a second there was anything crossing the line it would cease in an instant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I am so grateful for so many insightful replies. It really helps to see things from different angles. I think I need to take the bull by the horns (hah) and try for another sit-down conversation with DH, drawing on some of the strategies you folks have suggested. Many many thanks

If you confront him head-on he will deny and start sneaking around.

This is true. But I understand OP’s impulse. She doesn’t want to go all CSI on her H without trying to honestly communicate. I tried the same thing, and eventually had to go digging. But I wasn’t comfortable digging until I had made a good faith effort to solve things through communication and honesty. When he kept lying? Forget it, I became Agatha freaking Christie. He never knew what hit him (and I say that with no glee. I left. It sucked. But I wasn’t going to let him cheat and stay. Eff that.).

Is he with her still?

Of course not. It “meant nothing”, he wanted to try, etc., etc. But the level of anxiety, depression, and eventual panic I felt trying to quell the nagging feeling in my brain and gut that he let me experience, all the while knowing I was right, was unforgivable. He knew I knew something was wrong and swore up, down, left/right and center that all was well. This was not someone who had my back, or my well-being in mind. I told him I would never have watched him suffer the way he watched me. That if I wanted to be with someone else, I would have just said so and left. That he could’ve done the same thing. People end relationships all the time. But no, it’s like I said upthread to OP. It’s not that he didn’t want me. He wanted me, and also whatever or whomever else he felt entitled to. It was deeply, deeply unattractive, and killed my interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, so you're this person: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1193386.page

Your husband has created this situation, he's the problem.

OP here - I did click on that thread as it looked interesting/similar, but no it’s not me . I do realize this is a DH problem, and of course mine. I do wonder why his colleague, a “happily committed married woman” has SO much time to be texting him. We’re now on a family vacation. Still going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if DH insists it’s just friendly? (At the same time, not volunteering to share conversations…) I have to travel for work periodically; is it wrong to try to deny him a friendship?

Well if it’s innocent why isn’t he willing to be 100% transparent in showing you these conversations. If it’s because either he or she are sharing things so deep that he is being asked to keep from his spouse because that would be the only reason I can think of I’m sorry girl but your husband while not cheating physically is already cheating emotionally with this other woman. It just hasn’t gotten physical…yet

+1 It's definitely suspect that he's not going out of his way to calm your suspicions by offering to show you the conversations. What did he say when you flat-out asked him to see the text messages?

OP. I have not asked. thinking about how to do it. OTOH am so tired of this. OTOH don’t want to blow up family holiday. (Obviously, i notice it a lot more as we’re more or less together all the time now. Had been hoping it had died down).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, so you're this person: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1193386.page

Your husband has created this situation, he's the problem.

OP here - I did click on that thread as it looked interesting/similar, but no it’s not me . I do realize this is a DH problem, and of course mine. I do wonder why his colleague, a “happily committed married woman” has SO much time to be texting him. We’re now on a family vacation. Still going on.

LOL It is you. Look at the very last post on that thread. It's Jeff confirming that the posts are started by the same person. That's why he closed that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if DH insists it’s just friendly? (At the same time, not volunteering to share conversations…) I have to travel for work periodically; is it wrong to try to deny him a friendship?

Well if it’s innocent why isn’t he willing to be 100% transparent in showing you these conversations. If it’s because either he or she are sharing things so deep that he is being asked to keep from his spouse because that would be the only reason I can think of I’m sorry girl but your husband while not cheating physically is already cheating emotionally with this other woman. It just hasn’t gotten physical…yet

+1 It's definitely suspect that he's not going out of his way to calm your suspicions by offering to show you the conversations. What did he say when you flat-out asked him to see the text messages?

OP. I have not asked. thinking about how to do it. OTOH am so tired of this. OTOH don’t want to blow up family holiday. (Obviously, i notice it a lot more as we’re more or less together all the time now. Had been hoping it had died down).

"Show me the text messages".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, so you're this person: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1193386.page

Your husband has created this situation, he's the problem.

OP here - I did click on that thread as it looked interesting/similar, but no it’s not me . I do realize this is a DH problem, and of course mine. I do wonder why his colleague, a “happily committed married woman” has SO much time to be texting him. We’re now on a family vacation. Still going on.

LOL It is you. Look at the very last post on that thread. It's Jeff confirming that the posts are started by the same person. That's why he closed that one.

Er, no. Jeff could verify. Not me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, so you're this person: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1193386.page

Your husband has created this situation, he's the problem.

OP here - I did click on that thread as it looked interesting/similar, but no it’s not me . I do realize this is a DH problem, and of course mine. I do wonder why his colleague, a “happily committed married woman” has SO much time to be texting him. We’re now on a family vacation. Still going on.

LOL It is you. Look at the very last post on that thread. It's Jeff confirming that the posts are started by the same person. That's why he closed that one.

Wow. OP, did you really start both threads? Jeff said that one was a continuation of this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I am so grateful for so many insightful replies. It really helps to see things from different angles. I think I need to take the bull by the horns (hah) and try for another sit-down conversation with DH, drawing on some of the strategies you folks have suggested. Many many thanks

If you confront him head-on he will deny and start sneaking around.

This is true. But I understand OP’s impulse. She doesn’t want to go all CSI on her H without trying to honestly communicate. I tried the same thing, and eventually had to go digging. But I wasn’t comfortable digging until I had made a good faith effort to solve things through communication and honesty. When he kept lying? Forget it, I became Agatha freaking Christie. He never knew what hit him (and I say that with no glee. I left. It sucked. But I wasn’t going to let him cheat and stay. Eff that.).

Is he with her still?

Of course not. It “meant nothing”, he wanted to try, etc., etc. But the level of anxiety, depression, and eventual panic I felt trying to quell the nagging feeling in my brain and gut that he let me experience, all the while knowing I was right, was unforgivable. He knew I knew something was wrong and swore up, down, left/right and center that all was well. This was not someone who had my back, or my well-being in mind. I told him I would never have watched him suffer the way he watched me. That if I wanted to be with someone else, I would have just said so and left. That he could’ve done the same thing. People end relationships all the time. But no, it’s like I said upthread to OP. It’s not that he didn’t want me. He wanted me, and also whatever or whomever else he felt entitled to. It was deeply, deeply unattractive, and killed my interest.

Same! That’s the thing I struggle with the most, they knew how incredibly miserable I was yet just let me twist there for 18 months. Letters begging for honesty, face-to-face conversations when they were asked point blank “are you seeing someone?” All met with silence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I am so grateful for so many insightful replies. It really helps to see things from different angles. I think I need to take the bull by the horns (hah) and try for another sit-down conversation with DH, drawing on some of the strategies you folks have suggested. Many many thanks

If you confront him head-on he will deny and start sneaking around.

This is true. But I understand OP’s impulse. She doesn’t want to go all CSI on her H without trying to honestly communicate. I tried the same thing, and eventually had to go digging. But I wasn’t comfortable digging until I had made a good faith effort to solve things through communication and honesty. When he kept lying? Forget it, I became Agatha freaking Christie. He never knew what hit him (and I say that with no glee. I left. It sucked. But I wasn’t going to let him cheat and stay. Eff that.).

Is he with her still?

Of course not. It “meant nothing”, he wanted to try, etc., etc. But the level of anxiety, depression, and eventual panic I felt trying to quell the nagging feeling in my brain and gut that he let me experience, all the while knowing I was right, was unforgivable. He knew I knew something was wrong and swore up, down, left/right and center that all was well. This was not someone who had my back, or my well-being in mind. I told him I would never have watched him suffer the way he watched me. That if I wanted to be with someone else, I would have just said so and left. That he could’ve done the same thing. People end relationships all the time. But no, it’s like I said upthread to OP. It’s not that he didn’t want me. He wanted me, and also whatever or whomever else he felt entitled to. It was deeply, deeply unattractive, and killed my interest.

Same! That’s the thing I struggle with the most, they knew how incredibly miserable I was yet just let me twist there for 18 months. Letters begging for honesty, face-to-face conversations when they were asked point blank “are you seeing someone?” All met with silence.

Yes. It’s impossible to unsee it when you’re faced with your partner’s void of empathy. For me it translated into what our future would look like. What if I got sick? What happens when one of my parents becomes ill? It became clear I couldn’t rely on my H to be there for me. To my surprise, the infidelity alone might not have been a deal breaker. The length of time of the dishonesty was. That’s not a mistake, it’s a character flaw.

It’s really hard realizing you were wrong about someone. I had to say goodbye, not just to who I thought he was, but what I thought we were. It helped that he expressed remorse. But I would have never trusted him again.