If your DH has a good female friend…

[Anonymous]

Ask to see or borrow his phone. I could for my DH and vice versa, no issues. He also has plenty of friends who are women, but I don't suspect anything is going on because he's forthcoming. If he started behaving dodgy, that would be a massive red flag.

Regardless if anything is going on with this woman or not, the fact that it's creating friction in the marriage should be enough for him to give it some space for a while. If not, why is it worth causing problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I am so grateful for so many insightful replies. It really helps to see things from different angles. I think I need to take the bull by the horns (hah) and try for another sit-down conversation with DH, drawing on some of the strategies you folks have suggested. Many many thanks

If you confront him head-on he will deny and start sneaking around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The texting itself doesn’t bother me but you mentioned that he has become ‘more discreet’ since you have spoken with him. This is disrespectful and I would question his motives.

+1 this part

DH has a lot of female friends from his previous jobs that he keeps in touch with. He tells me about it, and how they are doing. They are all caring women.

I will say that there is one women in particular, single, never had a serious ltr (she's now 50) whom everyone thought that DH would eventually end up with. DH told me this, and he also said she would drive him nuts if they were together.

That said, I could see him having just a physical relationship with her if I was not in the picture. I suppose he could end up having an affair with her, but then he'd be ruining a great marriage (and his finances) just for a quick f* because he could never have a serious ltr with her. She's flaky and financially irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I am so grateful for so many insightful replies. It really helps to see things from different angles. I think I need to take the bull by the horns (hah) and try for another sit-down conversation with DH, drawing on some of the strategies you folks have suggested. Many many thanks

If you confront him head-on he will deny and start sneaking around.

This is true. But I understand OP’s impulse. She doesn’t want to go all CSI on her H without trying to honestly communicate. I tried the same thing, and eventually had to go digging. But I wasn’t comfortable digging until I had made a good faith effort to solve things through communication and honesty. When he kept lying? Forget it, I became Agatha freaking Christie. He never knew what hit him (and I say that with no glee. I left. It sucked. But I wasn’t going to let him cheat and stay. Eff that.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either you trust or you don’t. My husband and his tennis partner are a nationally ranked mixed doubles team and have been for a few years. They travel to 3-4 events a year which I don’t attend except maybe once a year nor does her husband. Early on I was concerned because she is very attractive and they are gone for about five days. But I’ve never felt that something was going on and once or twice a year the four of us have dinner and there is never any awkwardness. I’m sure they text and talk frequently about matches but I’m not going to dig into his phone.

I think the correction to your post is either your husband is trustworthy or not. It doesn’t matter if you trust him or if you track him it’s not gonna change what he does.

PP - he is trustworthy which is why I trust him. He’s always had a really good moral compass helped by coming from a great family. It does help that his “attention” toward me has never wavered!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I am so grateful for so many insightful replies. It really helps to see things from different angles. I think I need to take the bull by the horns (hah) and try for another sit-down conversation with DH, drawing on some of the strategies you folks have suggested. Many many thanks

If you confront him head-on he will deny and start sneaking around.

Agree, don't confront him.

[Anonymous]

What you should do is start texting more with someone else also. Go out and make new friends. If he's doing it, why not you? See how he reacts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if DH insists it’s just friendly? (At the same time, not volunteering to share conversations…) I have to travel for work periodically; is it wrong to try to deny him a friendship?

Well if it’s innocent why isn’t he willing to be 100% transparent in showing you these conversations. If it’s because either he or she are sharing things so deep that he is being asked to keep from his spouse because that would be the only reason I can think of I’m sorry girl but your husband while not cheating physically is already cheating emotionally with this other woman. It just hasn’t gotten physical…yet

[Anonymous]

If this was a friendship pre dating/marriage it may be ok but I think it’s weird to seek out other women friends as a married heterosexual male and be texting them constantly. You want constant female attention why are you seeking that out from another woman other than your wife?

It would scream something a miss in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To me, the texting would be a little weird simply because he is not big on texting in general.
But I'm fine with opposite sex friendships as long as there's respect for the spouse.

Some people may not agree with me but I do think there are differences between men and women when it comes to friendships. I find it healthy to experience those differences.

No I definitely agree with you and I’m not sure why that’s so taboo to deny that.

Obviously if a dude is straight he isn’t going to develop overtime a sexual desire or intense romantic feeling for a male friend like he would a female friend.

Spending a lot of time one on one whether that’s in person or texting calling on the phone. I think in a marriage there needs to be a healthy separation between a dude and female friends.

For example I would be ok with my husband going away with a group of male friends to a guys only trip but if a female friend invited him on a solo trip and said don’t bring your wife that would be an absolute hell no from me and I don’t think that’s that crazy because obviously her intentions in getting him alone away from me are sinister.

I don’t think that that’s crazy to feel that way! 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

After decades in the workplace I’ve come to this conclusion: there are married men who are ready and willing to chat up their female colleagues and develop close rapports, go to coffee every day, find “work wives” and if she’s attractive and open to it, flirt. And yeah, they’ll go down the affair road if there’s someone they’re really drawn to and she’s game.

And then there are those married men who will NOT speak to their female colleagues about anything except work, work, the weather, work, and work. When it comes to getting to know female colleagues, they, won’t, got, there.

OP, your husband is the one of the former.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man, and my text history is basically all to female friends: coworkers, parent friends, a couple women who also volunteer with our kid's activity. It's all friendly but none of it is flirty; hell, recently I was texting with some women about how much we love our spouses. I don't care about who my wife texts and she doesn't care about who I text, because we trust each other.

I'm a woman and this is how my husband and I are, too.

[Anonymous]

No because I know she wouldn’t be able to handle the relationship dynamic we have and he isn’t going to be in a relationship that doesn’t have that.

[Anonymous]

Oh, so you're this person: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1193386.page

Your husband has created this situation, he's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if DH insists it’s just friendly? (At the same time, not volunteering to share conversations…) I have to travel for work periodically; is it wrong to try to deny him a friendship?

Well if it’s innocent why isn’t he willing to be 100% transparent in showing you these conversations. If it’s because either he or she are sharing things so deep that he is being asked to keep from his spouse because that would be the only reason I can think of I’m sorry girl but your husband while not cheating physically is already cheating emotionally with this other woman. It just hasn’t gotten physical…yet

+1 It's definitely suspect that he's not going out of his way to calm your suspicions by offering to show you the conversations. What did he say when you flat-out asked him to see the text messages?