My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That is concerning. What does your spouse say?

He is a bit sensitive about his mom. I have to be careful not to seem like I am “picking on her.” In situations like this (including addressing the hoarding) I have talked privately with his brother about it. That’s what I will probably do when I get a chance. His brother is an MD and seems to be able to be more clinical and pragmatic than my spouse. His brother has had concerns about them for a while and is trying to get them to downsize and move closer to him where he will be able to keep an eye on them (we all live in different states). It is eye opening to see that so many others on this board are having similar issues with elderly relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what my parents fight about constantly, according to my mom.

My dad never wants to shower. He took a shower on Christmas Eve but before that, the last time he showered was 14 days prior. My mom keeps track in her phone calendar.

He apparently showered 3 times in the whole month of November.

He's not a big guy and doesn't do much to break a sweat, so he doesn't stink. Or at least I've never noticed. He apparently wipes down each morning with a wash cloth and dries off and feels that is more than enough.

They are both in their 70s. My mom brought it up at his last doctor visit and the doctor probed him about it. Was it a fear thing, was it a memory thing, etc. and didn't find that it was anything more than him not finding it necessary to shower often. The doctor said as long as he's visibly clean, not smelly, and has no sores, there's nothing he advises.

My brother is a contractor and renovated their shower earlier last year to a walk-in style shower with a bench. There are also handles. Makes no sense.

He's probably cleaner than the people on this board who don't seem to know what a washcloth is, even if they shower daily!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have a bath available or just a shower? Is she like this at home or was she worried about slipping and falling at yours?

Full shower. Non slip pad. She says that her skin dries out too much when she showers.

Should she change her lotion or soap?
Vaseline/cocoa butter lotion and Doce Shea butter soap is great for moisturizing skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you have a bath available or just a shower? Is she like this at home or was she worried about slipping and falling at yours?

Full shower. Non slip pad. She says that her skin dries out too much when she showers.

That is not equivalent to to a grab bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably worried about falling. Its very common in elderly. Was there anything in the bathroom to help ensure her safety?

very true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 40 and I can’t even wash my hair the night before. I’ve always been an oily person though.

The night before what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older relative who does not shower on extended visits. It’s puzzling and it took me a few visits to notice. They don’t smell, but I notice that the white sheets in that guest room definitely yellow after their visits from body oils. The latest trip left me with an impossible laundry situation and the sheets will probably have to go- none of my usual tricks are working.

DH noticed last time but didn’t understand why and he was too sensitive in the moment about other aging stuff for me to explain what was going on. It’s sad and a little confusing but there are language and cultural barriers so I can’t say anything to the relative even if I felt comfortable doing so.

Borax and line drying in the sun, if you can find a line.

PP you’re replying to- I love Borax! I already tried 2 rounds of that as well as rounds of salt/lemon juice and a round of Biz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older relative who does not shower on extended visits. It’s puzzling and it took me a few visits to notice. They don’t smell, but I notice that the white sheets in that guest room definitely yellow after their visits from body oils. The latest trip left me with an impossible laundry situation and the sheets will probably have to go- none of my usual tricks are working.

DH noticed last time but didn’t understand why and he was too sensitive in the moment about other aging stuff for me to explain what was going on. It’s sad and a little confusing but there are language and cultural barriers so I can’t say anything to the relative even if I felt comfortable doing so.

Borax and line drying in the sun, if you can find a line.

PP you’re replying to- I love Borax! I already tried 2 rounds of that as well as rounds of salt/lemon juice and a round of Biz.

DP. I love Borax and Biz, too! Have you tried 'oxygen bleach'? I use a concentrated brand (Stain Solver) but a weaker, readily available product like Oxiclean may work.

Biz is an enzyme based cleaner while oxygen bleach is, well, oxygen based. I've been able to get out underarm stains from undershirts using it.

Good luck and don't let the relative sleep on your white sheets anymore!

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you offer to help her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older relative who does not shower on extended visits. It’s puzzling and it took me a few visits to notice. They don’t smell, but I notice that the white sheets in that guest room definitely yellow after their visits from body oils. The latest trip left me with an impossible laundry situation and the sheets will probably have to go- none of my usual tricks are working.

DH noticed last time but didn’t understand why and he was too sensitive in the moment about other aging stuff for me to explain what was going on. It’s sad and a little confusing but there are language and cultural barriers so I can’t say anything to the relative even if I felt comfortable doing so.

Borax and line drying in the sun, if you can find a line.

PP you’re replying to- I love Borax! I already tried 2 rounds of that as well as rounds of salt/lemon juice and a round of Biz.

Bleach, then. Real bleach at the right concentration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 40, and unless I'm exercising or otherwise sweating, only shower once per week. I use deoderant every day. I don't smell. I'm not working in the coal mines - I don't need a shower every day. Americans are obsessed with disinfecting and sterilizing themselves and their environments. Its not good for your skin.

I do not understand - unless you exercise or sweat? How often do you have a full week that you do not e revise or sweat? This sounds very unhealthy. Why are you not exercising or at least exerting enough energy that you sweat on a regular basis?

I’ve gone a week without showering if I have not sweated/exercised. My hair is very curly and does not need to be washed daily. I do sometime use a wet washcloth to clean a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alter my mom turned 80 I always helped her with her shower whenever we were visiting. I also applied moisturizer for her as she also claimed dry skin. It was a really nice bonding time for us . She the child, me the caretaker. Cycle of life.

Was your mom otherwise independent? My 80 year old mom would never allow this but she lives independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Using bidet for toilet and cleaning body with wet towels can be a good alternative of a daily shower.

No, sorry, that’s not at all the same as taking a shower or bath. What’s with people thinking using a bidet means you don’t need to shower?

Sponge bath can be effective. It’s soap and water on the skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You caught me on a day where my Da has been here 6 days and advised he was fine and didn't need to bathe.

He has limited energy and nose blindness as the ad calls it. He is frugal so I told him I had just gotten out of the bath and had all the nice soapy warm water and he'd be helping me not to waste it. It's cold and rainy out and I told him he could soak and feel cozy and enjoy the view.

I helped him scrub his back and head and left him mostly alone until he was ready to get out. At one point, my oldest son (15) came back from his run and wanted to shower so he came into the master as well and I let them bond and have a roman bath and make penis length/shrinkage jokes. I think it's good for my son to see the body acceptance and challenges with aging.

I then went to the guest room to see if he had laundry and I found a pair of urine soaked undies Da had stuffed down into the (new) couch cushion (OMFG he was never gross like this) so I then had to sanitize the fabric and set up a fan and I am letting it dry. I am pleasantly pushy but in the end he is still appreciating it these days- when I noticed the incontinence on the last visit we got him on a prostate med and I got him some lightly padded guy underwear...he is only in this country to visit a couple times a year so I am always finding something new for him.

When he got out, I clipped his toe and fingernails ("they are fine"- no they aren't- they had like 7 mm of white), put lotion on his back and limbs and he is all cozy now hanging out with us. I overheard him musing to our son "bathing used to be something I did before I went out to an event. Now if I bathe, it's the whole event- big accomplishment of the day"

God knows he cleaned me up when I needed it as a kid; glad I can return the favour, but sad at the decline. I am trying to take the load off my sister who is also down visiting and she helps him out back at home but is not good at noticing changes with him or health issues, and is not pushy enough. I told her she needs to get pushier so he doesn't make himself unlovable by being unclean. She is learning to use the royal we with requests/demands. My grandmother was the same- you literally had to say (or yell, as she was deaf/hearing aids never worked well for her) "YOU SMELL. We can SMELL YOU" and she's blame the dog, but she would bathe.

My suggestion: be pleasantly pushy. Fix things without permission (washing clothes/ buying new underwear/setting up hair appts) and go from there. My dad will never ask for help but I know he appreciates it/agrees with the approvements.

What about the privacy issue? Are you male or female? It would be very uncomfortable for my father to be bathed by me, his daughter. If there are cognitive issues, that’s another story.