My elderly mom just left. 5 nights. Not one shower.

[Anonymous]

OP, she probably needs help and is embarrassed to ask for it. Next time she comes over perhaps you can suggest you assisting her getting in/out of the shower? You can wash the coats too. These seem like fixable issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Probably worried about falling. Its very common in elderly. Was there anything in the bathroom to help ensure her safety?

She has no problem walking. She’s 74, so it’s not like she’s 85 and frail. She doesn’t have grab bars at home either.

But does she shower at home, or use a tub?

Shower. Fwiw it have a tub/shower combo. She doesn’t smell like BO, more like food smells stuck to her clothes.

How often does she do laundry? Did you offer to wash her clothes while she was there?

Yes, she said she brought enough stuff for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 40, and unless I'm exercising or otherwise sweating, only shower once per week. I use deoderant every day. I don't smell. I'm not working in the coal mines - I don't need a shower every day. Americans are obsessed with disinfecting and sterilizing themselves and their environments. Its not good for your skin.

I do not understand - unless you exercise or sweat? How often do you have a full week that you do not e revise or sweat? This sounds very unhealthy. Why are you not exercising or at least exerting enough energy that you sweat on a regular basis?

[Anonymous]

Others have mentioned dementia, and I think you need to follow your gut in this one. GP’s will not pick up on many early signs. My own mom was really good at masking her symptoms when around others for short periods of time especially a GP who is looking at data based info like blood pressure, etc.

If your alarm bells are ringing you’re probably right. Not sure how involved you want to get but depending on her healthcare you can call the nurses line and say you’re concerned about your moms cognitive health. They can refer to neurologist. There could be signs of minor stroke and/ or she might score much lower on the MMSE than you think she would.

Of course she could also just be afraid of falling and not like showers. Follow your instincts.

[Anonymous]

Maybe have some body wipes and rich lotion for next time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Others have mentioned dementia, and I think you need to follow your gut in this one. GP’s will not pick up on many early signs. My own mom was really good at masking her symptoms when around others for short periods of time especially a GP who is looking at data based info like blood pressure, etc.

If your alarm bells are ringing you’re probably right. Not sure how involved you want to get but depending on her healthcare you can call the nurses line and say you’re concerned about your moms cognitive health. They can refer to neurologist. There could be signs of minor stroke and/ or she might score much lower on the MMSE than you think she would.

Of course she could also just be afraid of falling and not like showers. Follow your instincts.

Good advice. In my mom's case, stopping showering was one of her first signs of dementia. She then started getting UTI's because she wasn't cleaning herself properly.

[Anonymous]

Interesting about not showering being a dementia sign. It sounds like OP’s mother knew she wasn’t showering, though, so would that still be a sign?

OP, I suggest you have a kind talk with your mother and send her some body wipes so that even if she doesn’t shower too often, she can still clean her armpits, chest, private parts, etc.

I am mid-50s and feel like I now have a weird odor if I don’t shower even one day - it is not a sweat smell and this didn’t happen when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

You caught me on a day where my Da has been here 6 days and advised he was fine and didn't need to bathe.

He has limited energy and nose blindness as the ad calls it. He is frugal so I told him I had just gotten out of the bath and had all the nice soapy warm water and he'd be helping me not to waste it. It's cold and rainy out and I told him he could soak and feel cozy and enjoy the view.

I helped him scrub his back and head and left him mostly alone until he was ready to get out. At one point, my oldest son (15) came back from his run and wanted to shower so he came into the master as well and I let them bond and have a roman bath and make penis length/shrinkage jokes. I think it's good for my son to see the body acceptance and challenges with aging.

I then went to the guest room to see if he had laundry and I found a pair of urine soaked undies Da had stuffed down into the (new) couch cushion (OMFG he was never gross like this) so I then had to sanitize the fabric and set up a fan and I am letting it dry. I am pleasantly pushy but in the end he is still appreciating it these days- when I noticed the incontinence on the last visit we got him on a prostate med and I got him some lightly padded guy underwear...he is only in this country to visit a couple times a year so I am always finding something new for him.

When he got out, I clipped his toe and fingernails ("they are fine"- no they aren't- they had like 7 mm of white), put lotion on his back and limbs and he is all cozy now hanging out with us. I overheard him musing to our son "bathing used to be something I did before I went out to an event. Now if I bathe, it's the whole event- big accomplishment of the day"

God knows he cleaned me up when I needed it as a kid; glad I can return the favour, but sad at the decline. I am trying to take the load off my sister who is also down visiting and she helps him out back at home but is not good at noticing changes with him or health issues, and is not pushy enough. I told her she needs to get pushier so he doesn't make himself unlovable by being unclean. She is learning to use the royal we with requests/demands. My grandmother was the same- you literally had to say (or yell, as she was deaf/hearing aids never worked well for her) "YOU SMELL. We can SMELL YOU" and she's blame the dog, but she would bathe.

My suggestion: be pleasantly pushy. Fix things without permission (washing clothes/ buying new underwear/setting up hair appts) and go from there. My dad will never ask for help but I know he appreciates it/agrees with the approvements.

[Anonymous]

I have an older relative who does not shower on extended visits. It’s puzzling and it took me a few visits to notice. They don’t smell, but I notice that the white sheets in that guest room definitely yellow after their visits from body oils. The latest trip left me with an impossible laundry situation and the sheets will probably have to go- none of my usual tricks are working.

DH noticed last time but didn’t understand why and he was too sensitive in the moment about other aging stuff for me to explain what was going on. It’s sad and a little confusing but there are language and cultural barriers so I can’t say anything to the relative even if I felt comfortable doing so.

[Anonymous]

My dad, 78, similar problem. I make him shower and I wash his clothes when I see him.
It’s non negotiable

[Anonymous]

Is she depressed? General disregard for hygiene can go along with depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say she just left, do you mean she was staying with you over the holidays? How often do you see her? In the recent past was it just for a few hours? Did she smell when she arrived?

Maybe she didn't have a workable bathroom situation in your house.
She lives alone and doesn't realize she smells so she has stopped bathing as much.

I'd try to figure out the situation before you just say: Mom, you smell.

FWIW, this happened to my mom, but she was young and working and my dad just told her she smelled. She was embarrassed and hurt, but she started bathing more. If your mom is older, it could be the beginnings of dementia.

+1
I would be concerned about dementia. This isn’t the old “who showers more” debate, she needs to be evaluated. Or she was afraid of falling. Or maybe she is afraid of falling at her home. Or maybe incontinence is becoming problematic and she’s scared or embarrassed about that.

Regardless, more of a health question and less of a beauty one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an older relative who does not shower on extended visits. It’s puzzling and it took me a few visits to notice. They don’t smell, but I notice that the white sheets in that guest room definitely yellow after their visits from body oils. The latest trip left me with an impossible laundry situation and the sheets will probably have to go- none of my usual tricks are working.

DH noticed last time but didn’t understand why and he was too sensitive in the moment about other aging stuff for me to explain what was going on. It’s sad and a little confusing but there are language and cultural barriers so I can’t say anything to the relative even if I felt comfortable doing so.

Borax and line drying in the sun, if you can find a line.

[Anonymous]

Think of it this way - everyone has a certain amount of steam power each day. Someone with early dementia has less than other people. When they’re out of their home environment, they use it all up just getting through the day. And their brain says oh, well, you can put off bathing until tomorrow. Oh well, we can do laundry after the holidays. And tomorrow. And tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

My 84 y..o. dad just visited for a week and didn't shower. He didn't smell but I thought it gross. Previously he showered during visits but like every 4 days. No way I could say anything.