Common things that keep people unmarried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The reality is that the people who remain single are not socially attuned, sometimes in ways that may not always be visible to people not dating them. I bet some of them could be found autistic (high-functioning kind). I'm a scientist and met my husband in the lab. A lot of men there were socially-challenged. He has ASD. My son has ASD. It takes a certain type of person to look past that. If my husband were to use OLD and go on dates, he wouldn't be able to find anyone. He's not social at all, but at the time I met him, he had good looks and fitness working for him, we shared scientific interests, and we met in person, which is very important to build a rapport with someone who isn't social.

When you start off with certain social challenges, sometimes a lifetime is not enough to meet your significant other. The statistics work against you, and OLD is a killer.

Curious….you say it takes a certain type of person to look past ASD. Can you share more of your thoughts on that? What kind of mental setup do you need to have to be able to deal with an ASD spouse easily?

DP, but similar marriage story. I agree with her, I think it just takes a certain amount of self confidence and patience. My husband isn't great at communicating, it took him a year and a half to say ILY for example. It took him a long time to figure out he wanted to get married. He is very quiet around other people and is not great at, for example, making couple friends, because it takes a long while to get to know him.

So if my love language was like, words of affirmation for example, it would be EXTREMELY difficult to be with him. Because those are extremely difficult for him to give. My DH and I are extraordinarily compatible, for whatever reason, but there are things he does that I know would drive other people absolutely INSANE. Both of his BILs are divorced because their significant others really couldn't deal with these things.

I'd like to note though that while it might take a special kind of person to look past this issues (I actually wouldn't phrase it this way, more like a special kind of person to work well with these issues, which is also true for anyone, IE, I would be miserable with some extremely extroverted person who wanted to drag me out every night), it also takes the ASD person being self aware enough to understand their own issues and try to meet their partner halfway. No relationship works if one person is overlooking things constantly. My husband is always trying to show me that he appreciates me and loves me not just for me but for how I accept him. Words of affirmation are hard for him so I don't get them often, but he gives them to me when I say I need them. It isn't a situation where I'm on an island just forced to accept him as he is, we are always both trying to be better for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mental disorders keep them from marrying; the other person gets fed up with the dysfunction and pulls the plug.

Most young women in the DC area have mental disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

I don't think single women are doing better than men at homeownership, but rather, men who can afford homes also choose to get married (to women who couldn't afford a home on their own).

Or perhaps the women who couldn't afford a home on their own are more likely to seek out a man who can afford a home.

Just don't want to assume what is correlation and what is causation here.

Exactly - I’m a single divorced woman with own home, stable job, car, international travel once a year and short weekend trips with my family. I have a housekeeper coming every 2 weeks. It would take seriously falling in love with someone for me to remarry and I need to feel that person is really pulling off his weight in the relationship. Mentally, financially, time availability etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

Watching my daughter date is funny. She rejected the last guy because he had a lot of student loans and lives at home and his mother looks after his laundry and meals. She is like “I can do better. I want a partner not to be someone’s mom.” I admire her high standards but feel a bit like the clock is ticking. Also funny how comfortable this generation is talking about money.

I'm impressed with your daughter. I'm also glad she's seeking out role models with wisdom because clearly you as her mom don't have much to offer and don't have her best interest at heart

[Anonymous]

I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

[Anonymous]

We just don't want it that much.
When people ask id say that I would like to be married.

But the quiet part is. I don't want it enough to settle for less than what I'm s ,100% attracted to. I have no interest in putting up with what I consider BS that my friends do from their husbands.
That would just end in divorce.

[Anonymous]

My friends who I know in this situation are all kind of socially awkward or had failure to launch issues (ie, still live with their family my big fat greek wedding style).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The reality is that the people who remain single are not socially attuned, sometimes in ways that may not always be visible to people not dating them. I bet some of them could be found autistic (high-functioning kind). I'm a scientist and met my husband in the lab. A lot of men there were socially-challenged. He has ASD. My son has ASD. It takes a certain type of person to look past that. If my husband were to use OLD and go on dates, he wouldn't be able to find anyone. He's not social at all, but at the time I met him, he had good looks and fitness working for him, we shared scientific interests, and we met in person, which is very important to build a rapport with someone who isn't social.

When you start off with certain social challenges, sometimes a lifetime is not enough to meet your significant other. The statistics work against you, and OLD is a killer.

Curious….you say it takes a certain type of person to look past ASD. Can you share more of your thoughts on that? What kind of mental setup do you need to have to be able to deal with an ASD spouse easily?

DP, but similar marriage story. I agree with her, I think it just takes a certain amount of self confidence and patience. My husband isn't great at communicating, it took him a year and a half to say ILY for example. It took him a long time to figure out he wanted to get married. He is very quiet around other people and is not great at, for example, making couple friends, because it takes a long while to get to know him.

So if my love language was like, words of affirmation for example, it would be EXTREMELY difficult to be with him. Because those are extremely difficult for him to give. My DH and I are extraordinarily compatible, for whatever reason, but there are things he does that I know would drive other people absolutely INSANE. Both of his BILs are divorced because their significant others really couldn't deal with these things.

I'd like to note though that while it might take a special kind of person to look past this issues (I actually wouldn't phrase it this way, more like a special kind of person to work well with these issues, which is also true for anyone, IE, I would be miserable with some extremely extroverted person who wanted to drag me out every night), it also takes the ASD person being self aware enough to understand their own issues and try to meet their partner halfway. No relationship works if one person is overlooking things constantly. My husband is always trying to show me that he appreciates me and loves me not just for me but for how I accept him. Words of affirmation are hard for him so I don't get them often, but he gives them to me when I say I need them. It isn't a situation where I'm on an island just forced to accept him as he is, we are always both trying to be better for each other.

I suspect my exDH has mild ASD, one of my kids has it too.

Someone who is with him would have to be ok with minimal emotional engagement and depth. No concept of guilt or empathy. Very intelligent IQ-wise (low EQ) so good income. But was controlling and it got to be too much for me. No cheating. I left and felt like I could finally breathe. He does ok with fatherhood but is very rigid and not that warm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

+100000 I'm average looks and looking very middle aged these days, but happily married since age 24, and if something happened, I could probably remarry quickly if I wanted to. It's not about looks or style or accomplishments, but about liking and getting along with other human beings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who is now 50. I've watched her desperately try to find a husband, or even a boyfriend, since she was 35. I don't think she's ever even had a second date.

With her, it is definitely expectations that are way off. She's a 4-5, looking for a 8-9. She's 50 darned years old and keeps talking about "hot guys." She also scares everyone off; she tells people right away that she is looking to get married. They run, lol.

Does she think she's a prize looking for a 8-9?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mental disorders keep them from marrying; the other person gets fed up with the dysfunction and pulls the plug.

Most young women in the DC area have mental disorders.

True.

If you are white, female, young, and liberal, there’s a likelihood you have a mental disease:

https://m.washingtontimes.com/news/2021/apr/22/white-liberals-more-likely-have-mental-health-cond/

Fortunately, many mentally ill people still have the good sense not to further complicate their lives by having children (who will in all likelihood, also grow up with a mental disease of their own).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew 2 women who were smart/accomplished and genuinely attractive facially, but neither thought they needed to work to be fit or well put together. They were both about 15-20 lbs heavier than they should have been to appeal to men, and they dressed in a casual, dumpy manner. They believed these things shouldn’t be important to men, and couldn’t understand why the men they were interested in wouldn’t reciprocate. Looking at social media they both appear to be single in their early 40’s despite not wanting that for themselves.

Cool story

I’m guessing it must have hit a little too close to home.

Ok incel

Ok single obese undateable woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

+100000 I'm average looks and looking very middle aged these days, but happily married since age 24, and if something happened, I could probably remarry quickly if I wanted to. It's not about looks or style or accomplishments, but about liking and getting along with other human beings.

You married folks are so delusional. You literally pull crap out of your rears and call it gold

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just don't want it that much.
When people ask id say that I would like to be married.

But the quiet part is. I don't want it enough to settle for less than what I'm s ,100% attracted to. I have no interest in putting up with what I consider BS that my friends do from their husbands.
That would just end in divorce.

Can you shed light on the type of BS you are referring to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The reality is that the people who remain single are not socially attuned, sometimes in ways that may not always be visible to people not dating them. I bet some of them could be found autistic (high-functioning kind). I'm a scientist and met my husband in the lab. A lot of men there were socially-challenged. He has ASD. My son has ASD. It takes a certain type of person to look past that. If my husband were to use OLD and go on dates, he wouldn't be able to find anyone. He's not social at all, but at the time I met him, he had good looks and fitness working for him, we shared scientific interests, and we met in person, which is very important to build a rapport with someone who isn't social.

When you start off with certain social challenges, sometimes a lifetime is not enough to meet your significant other. The statistics work against you, and OLD is a killer.

Curious….you say it takes a certain type of person to look past ASD. Can you share more of your thoughts on that? What kind of mental setup do you need to have to be able to deal with an ASD spouse easily?

DP, but similar marriage story. I agree with her, I think it just takes a certain amount of self confidence and patience. My husband isn't great at communicating, it took him a year and a half to say ILY for example. It took him a long time to figure out he wanted to get married. He is very quiet around other people and is not great at, for example, making couple friends, because it takes a long while to get to know him.

So if my love language was like, words of affirmation for example, it would be EXTREMELY difficult to be with him. Because those are extremely difficult for him to give. My DH and I are extraordinarily compatible, for whatever reason, but there are things he does that I know would drive other people absolutely INSANE. Both of his BILs are divorced because their significant others really couldn't deal with these things.

I'd like to note though that while it might take a special kind of person to look past this issues (I actually wouldn't phrase it this way, more like a special kind of person to work well with these issues, which is also true for anyone, IE, I would be miserable with some extremely extroverted person who wanted to drag me out every night), it also takes the ASD person being self aware enough to understand their own issues and try to meet their partner halfway. No relationship works if one person is overlooking things constantly. My husband is always trying to show me that he appreciates me and loves me not just for me but for how I accept him. Words of affirmation are hard for him so I don't get them often, but he gives them to me when I say I need them. It isn't a situation where I'm on an island just forced to accept him as he is, we are always both trying to be better for each other.

I suspect my exDH has mild ASD, one of my kids has it too.

Someone who is with him would have to be ok with minimal emotional engagement and depth. No concept of guilt or empathy. Very intelligent IQ-wise (low EQ) so good income. But was controlling and it got to be too much for me. No cheating. I left and felt like I could finally breathe. He does ok with fatherhood but is very rigid and not that warm.

PP how old are you? Did you remarry? What’s it like co-parenting with your ex?