Common things that keep people unmarried

[Anonymous]

PP from above, and yes, what you wrote is sane, reasonable, and true (imo). I too have single friends who can’t get out of their own way, yet lament their circumstances. My point was mostly an attempt to course-correct this thread that got pretty ugly towards singles. Because I also have friends I deeply care about who genuinely struggle with loneliness, wish they were partnered, aren’t unattractive or nuts, and partnership just isn’t what life has in store for them. They’re no less or more deserving than I; there by the grace of God go all of us and all that. Folks if you’re lucky enough to have found your person, remember that and be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Same here, the happy go lucky dumb doormat strategy has served me and my marriage well too.

Other than this thread seeming to be a bunch of married people gazing out from the comfort their couches and casually labeling singles as mentally ill, my favorite part of this thread is the delusional, yet hilarious, attempted flex of the self-identified dumpy PPs above, basking in the certainty of re-marriage should they desire it. I am happily married, but have no illusions that I was lucky to find my match early, and that the current dating scene is at best a challenge, at worst a horror show once kids and careers are in the mix. Married people, lighten up on the smug judgement. It’s ugly. Dumpy PP, you sound happily married, and good for you. You should stay there.

Listen I agree with you to an extent, I am a happily married person gazing out from the comfort of my couch for sure. And finding my husband who I am SO compatible with at an early age was absolutely somewhat luck. For sure. And some friends of mine who got married later or had struggles (one who got divorced at 31) were more a victim of the bad luck thing. They just couldn't find a good guy. And I do not think they are mentally ill or fundamentally flawed or anything like that. They were out there, dating, working on themselves, trying as hard as they could, being fairly attractive and not insane.

But I have other friends who have always just seemed stunted. Never left their parents house, never put themselves out there. Friends who used our friend group as their entire social scene and never TRIED. Who every time they would tell me about a new guy they had met at work or whatever who seemed to show them a shred of interest they would invent 100 reasons why the guys was weird for talking to them and act like 13 year old girls running away from a guy who had a crush on them. And sure were some of those guys creepy? I'm sure, but at some point you start to think, maybe you're just never giving anyone a chance.

These girls would say I wanted them to lower their standards, but what I was really saying is that they were judgmental jerks who judged people within seconds of meeting them and never gave a single guy more than a couple of minutes to make an impression. Short of like Ryan Gosling showing up and asking them out I think they would have found something wrong with ANYONE. And there they are still, living with their parents, codependent on one another, not giving anyone a chance. Except now we're almost 40 and sitting around hanging out like we're 24 talking crap about people and playing video games just isn't as fun. Everyone else grew up, and now they are mad at everyone who moved on without them.

Notably, both of these groups are not women who were just very independent/driven who just never wanted to settle down and were happy with a childfree/husband free life. I know a couple of them and while I wouldn't be happy if I had their life, they 100% are very happy with their choices and I don't think they are unlucky or mentally ill. So there is nuance with all of this, the very fact that a woman is unmarried doesn't say anything about them, it is the way they got there, whether or not they are happy with their lives and 100 other things that lead to that situation.

This is a fair post although I think your friends who you think are waiting for Ryan Gosling are actually probably either asexual/not straight or dealing with trauma or not actually interested in a relationship at all. Their claimed desire to be married might be a desire to be the kind of person who can/wants to get married (like: I want to be a married woman with all the social and economic advantages thereto but I don’t actually want to be married to a real human) or might be purely performative because they know that saying you don’t want a husband/kids is something a lot of people insist on arguing with you about. Thus they select potential love interests exclusively from people who are inappropriate/impossible so they have an excuse when nothing comes of it. If Ryan Gosling knocked on their door on bender knee, I bet they’d tell you it couldn’t work because he’s so rich and travels so much for work.

(I say this as someone who always said I was happy single but would love to be married if I met the right person — and then had to do some mental reassessment when someone who objectively should be the right person asked me out this summer and I *still* wanted to say no. Now I just say more honestly that I’m not much interested in dating and marriage but maybe I’ll reassess in a decade or so.)

[Anonymous]

Bringing a new thought: I think it’s hard to meet people and then trust them enough to get to know them. How often are some people really getting out of the house to socialize or just be out and about. Between Amazon and door dash, we don’t leave home. There are only but so many single people at the gym or at church. It’s risky to date a co-worker, don’t meet neighbors like in the past and who would want to date the person next door. And I also think that people are missing the knowledge/zing/common sense on how to meet and get to know and mate.

I look at my niece and nephew and they are stunted with dating and don’t have the knowledge my age group had to date and mate. There’s some flaw that is off or missing on dating.

And at some point and age bracket, we get stuck in our ways. We like what we like and avoid the other crap.

[Anonymous]

I tend to agree.

Kids teens and 20 something don’t know how to have real conversations anymore and wave in values based questions. Or how to do any diligence.

Maybe we need to bring back cotillion. How to interact in person.

[Anonymous]

Women in well-paying jobs have totally shifted the dating market. Most women unconsciously prefer to date men who are equally or more successful, and there just aren’t that many of them. The market only needs to skew a tiny bit in favor of one gender for their preference (marriage) to yield to the other’s (short term pairing). If more women want to marry, they need to 1. stop having sex before getting engaged and 2. lose weight if they are fat (75% of women in the US are overweight, being healthy weight will already put you in a narrower category).

[Anonymous]

Outside of that range but 50+ "wants" to have kids so will only date in the 30s range (as far as I can tell, doesn't date)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just don't want it that much.
When people ask id say that I would like to be married.

But the quiet part is. I don't want it enough to settle for less than what I'm s ,100% attracted to. I have no interest in putting up with what I consider BS that my friends do from their husbands.
That would just end in divorce.

Can you shed light on the type of BS you are referring to?

Certainly.
1. Cheating.
2. Alcohol and other substance abuse.
3.Claiming to want children and family but doing zero to help raise those children
4. Doing stupid dangerous things with children.
5. Behaving like a slovenly child in terms of hygiene and household upkeep
6. Abusive in laws
7. Refusing to participate in household chores or doing the bare minimum.
8. No care or interest in the wife as a person.
9. Wanting to be a party boy and sulking and pouting when doing family things.
10. Constantly quitting or getting fired from jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?

+1. Although to me kindness doesn’t mean things like spending time and attention on the downtrodden or cats, it more means valuing people for themselves rather than players in their personal narrative. Maybe that’s not a conventional definition of kindness.

Its still a good definition as kindness comes in different forms.

Kindness means never complaining or criticizing. Just keep the house nice and the kids happy. And me too. Kindness.

You want your mommy and to have sex with her

[Anonymous]

It's fascinating that you are all so worried about your single friends. When you have drunk husbands who constantly cheat on you yell at you do nothing around the home basically ignores you and the kids. Total bliss...

[Anonymous]

The problem is clearly woke progressive feminist intersectional politics. It's steeredmultiple generations of women off the edge.of a relational cliff.

[Anonymous]

It’s fascinating that the political argument is always laid at the feet of women. Do you know where it’s steered men off the cliff? By allowing them to exist in an economy that generally requires two incomes to support a family and still expecting their wives to do the lion’s share of work at home.

It’s more accurate to say that neither gender has been served, yet somehow men aren’t mentioned.

[Anonymous]

I have a younger brother who is rich (self made), highly successful, good looking, more than average height, normal weight, in shape funny, super well educated. no major personality defects (my kids love him, he is kind, great for days at a time at family events). My parents wonder endlessly why he is not married in his early 40s with no girlfriends in sight. DCUM - please give reasons for this o can share with my parents or use to head them off. I don’t pry into his life and I have other things to worry about. He doesn’t fit anything discussed here yet.

[Anonymous]

Just ask him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a younger brother who is rich (self made), highly successful, good looking, more than average height, normal weight, in shape funny, super well educated. no major personality defects (my kids love him, he is kind, great for days at a time at family events). My parents wonder endlessly why he is not married in his early 40s with no girlfriends in sight. DCUM - please give reasons for this o can share with my parents or use to head them off. I don’t pry into his life and I have other things to worry about. He doesn’t fit anything discussed here yet.

Is he gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just don't want it that much.
When people ask id say that I would like to be married.

But the quiet part is. I don't want it enough to settle for less than what I'm s ,100% attracted to. I have no interest in putting up with what I consider BS that my friends do from their husbands.
That would just end in divorce.

+1
I had friends who really, really wanted to get married. They went on first date after first date (some of them several hundred first dates) until they found the right person. Some never found the right person but settled at around 36-38 in order to have kids. One found the right person in her late 40s. Some are still looking as we near 50.
I made up my mind early into adulthood that I didn't want to spend my life looking for a husband. (I'm also not a very high energy person and when I have a full time job am not able to do much with my free time besides basic self care). I also wasn't very impressed with the men I met, particularly compared to the men in my family. I've always been open to relationships and marriage, but simply put, between having high standards, being happy as a single woman, and not wanting to work that hard at it, I haven't found one. I also hear so much complaining from my married friends and get hit on by so many married men that it makes me apprehensive.