Lack of independent play is creating mental health crisis among kids today -- and overprotective parenting is to blame
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Anonymous
Also, kids need to learn to be bored. Life isn't always fun and exciting. There's a lot of waiting and boredom in life, and if you don't learn to deal with it, you get anxious. There's too much distraction with phones and electronics. |
Anonymous
Absolutely correct. Parents are afraid of free time for their kids. |
Anonymous
This is a situation where talking about "parents" as a monolith just doesn't work. And also why a tendency to view the past nostalgically, and the present critically, can lead you astray. It's true that parents today are more likely to feel like they "have" to play with their kids. But why is that? In my case, it's because I was raised by people who actively disliked their children, and that had a negative impact on me both as a kid and as an adult. So I do feel I have an obligation to spend time with my kids, get to know them, take an interest in what they are interested in. But it's not driven by some vague cultural notion or just being a martyr. Is based on my own experience and a recognition that ignoring your kids and telling them, always, to please leave mommy and daddy alone, might have a negative impact on their psyche. I don't want my kids to have to spend two decades in therapy, as I have, building the scaffolding of a sense of self worth, because I am too busy or disinterested to play with them. So yes, I sometimes force myself to play with my kids even when I'm not really in the mood. Now, I know that not all parents had my experience as a child. But I also no that I am nowhere near alone in it. My parents were the way they were for a few reasons, and they are common: (1) they were raised by Greatest Generation parents who were also alcoholics with untreated mental illness, including PTSD from the war/depression, and (2) they had kids young and out of obligation, and did not really view not having kids as an option. This is an extremely common combination of factors for people who had kids in the 1970s and 80s, and it often resulted in the kind of parental neglect I experienced, which means that a lot of people parenting today are working to correct that pattern with their own kids. Yes people are sometimes overzealous, and I think parents could stand to be told, more often, "It's okay to take breaks from your kids, and it's okay to let your kids figure stuff out." But parents aren't playing with their kids or focusing on their kids because they are control freaks or because they are subscribing to some crackpot parenting technique they learned on Tik Tok. Most of the time parents are spending time with their kids in an effort to undo generational trauma. That's actually good! Why don't we talk more about how that's actually good? |
Anonymous
Playdates at my house are like at yours...I totally butt out, and if they occasionally try to come to me, I literally say, "figure it out ladies". I can sometimes hear them from DD's room (9 and 10 yr old girls are LOUD)...there is arguing, compromise, hurt feelings, apologies, getting bored and figuring out what to do next...all that good stuff. |
Anonymous
This definitely isn’t universal… there are 10 grandkids on my side, ages 2-14 (my kids & their cousins). At gatherings, they run around outside, play board games together, play hide & seek, just talk, etc. Usually in smaller groups than 10, but they definitely play independently (except the 2 yo still needs an adult around of course). |
Anonymous
It’s a shame you willingly chose that neighborhood then? Because I also live in the District and experience none of the above. |
Anonymous
whoaw.. you have issues that have nothing to do with your kids. You should've taken care of that before you had kids. If I tell my kids to go play rather than expect me to play with them all the time that doesn't mean I don't love my kids. I'm sorry about your childhood, but you are projecting. |
Anonymous
They can do that because they have in built playmates at gatherings. Do they play outside without any planning when at home? |
Anonymous
Downtown was great when you had no kids but have you considered moving to create a more favorable environment for your children? |
Anonymous
Yes, I do. Spouse works as well and we also own a small business. What do you do that you don't have any time to take your kids to a playground or let them play outside? |
Anonymous
If you actually read my comment, you'd see I'm explicitly not projecting -- my point is that while not everyone has this background, it's a lot more common than people realize and helps to account for the shift in parenting approaches from one generation to the next. And thanks, I absolutely did deal with my issues before I had kids and I tell my kids to go play without me all the time. However, I understand that when parents fail to do this, it's generally not because they are crap parents or idiots or something, or even that they are over protective. They are doing it for a reason, and if you understand the reason, you can better understand the problem. But people don't want to understand the problem. You read my post and thought "whoa, ick, family trauma -- please keep that to yourself." Well guess what, that family trauma of alcoholic grandparents and neglectful parents (all kind of hidden under the table since everyone involved had a home and food and an education) is extremely common in the US. It's a generational pattern that results from large scale events like wars and major immigration waves, as well as smaller scale trends like drinking habits and access to mental healthcare. You look at me and think "oh, you're a one off, we're talking about something else." But this is exactly what you are talking about. It's just uncomfortable so you'd rather yell at parents about screen time or complain that kids do too many after-school activities. Just blind. |
Anonymous
| This is the problem with kids always needing to be supervised. They can only go outside with friends if and when the adults can or are willing. And even then, the amount of time is adult pre determined. |
Anonymous
I don't think it's unfair at all - self-control may be finite but the ease and availability of all various incarnations of "screens" has essentially short-circuited any and all self-control for too many parents. Parenting, setting boundaries and limits isn't easy - it never was and never will be but if you started early w/ screen access and are consistent and fair, it gets easier and gets them to where they should be - comfortable with independent play and outside unstructured play. Screens work against this end-state and make it much harder and maybe even almost impossible in some cases. |
Anonymous
| Even if you’ve held steady in avoiding screens and encouraging your kids to play outside, and they’re lucky enough to find playmates with likeminded parents, it just takes one kid with a phone to come in upset the balance. The rest of the kids will gather round and be entranced. Which is why it’s so frustrating that parents are handing them over earlier and earlier, and even mocking parents who avoid them for as long as possible. They’re instant creativity and confidence killers. |
Anonymous
At least they will have playmates. Only children are even more over-parented. |