Rude kids

[Anonymous]

Now multiply what is happening in your car by 100, and you have what is happening at school, OP. I volunteered in grade schools for more than a decade. Your kid needs a tough hide in school now. It doesn't matter what school your child attends, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that there’s no need to threaten a child. You say directly, “I need you to ask me for help getting a snack. Please do not go into our cabinets by yourself again, okay?” Then if they keep ignoring you, you just don’t invite them over. I’ve never had kids go through my kitchen without one of my kids, except to grab an apple out of the fruit bowl (that’s what it’s there for), but I always offer snacks proactively.

That's literally what the previous poster said, which she was villified for. She said she would tell the kids not to root around, give them a second warning, and then they wouldn't be invited back. The only difference between your approach is that you dont inform the child of the potential consequence of their actions (aka "threatening" them) before punishing them by not inviting them back.

Am I the only one who thinks people are making this way too big an issue. Just get next to him at the refrigerator and ask what he’s looking for. Put snacks on the table and tell them that’s all you have. Plus you’re not always in the kitchen. When you leave your child and friends are probably back in the kitchen looking for something better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that there’s no need to threaten a child. You say directly, “I need you to ask me for help getting a snack. Please do not go into our cabinets by yourself again, okay?” Then if they keep ignoring you, you just don’t invite them over. I’ve never had kids go through my kitchen without one of my kids, except to grab an apple out of the fruit bowl (that’s what it’s there for), but I always offer snacks proactively.

That's literally what the previous poster said, which she was villified for. She said she would tell the kids not to root around, give them a second warning, and then they wouldn't be invited back. The only difference between your approach is that you dont inform the child of the potential consequence of their actions (aka "threatening" them) before punishing them by not inviting them back.

Am I the only one who thinks people are making this way too big an issue. Just get next to him at the refrigerator and ask what he’s looking for. Put snacks on the table and tell them that’s all you have. Plus you’re not always in the kitchen. When you leave your child and friends are probably back in the kitchen looking for something better.

I have a snack drawer for my kids, and they know they are free to help themselves, but not everyone has things set up that way. Different rules for different homes. A kid should not be rummaging in the pantry of another person's home. That is rude no matter your age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree that there’s no need to threaten a child. You say directly, “I need you to ask me for help getting a snack. Please do not go into our cabinets by yourself again, okay?” Then if they keep ignoring you, you just don’t invite them over. I’ve never had kids go through my kitchen without one of my kids, except to grab an apple out of the fruit bowl (that’s what it’s there for), but I always offer snacks proactively.

That's literally what the previous poster said, which she was villified for. She said she would tell the kids not to root around, give them a second warning, and then they wouldn't be invited back. The only difference between your approach is that you dont inform the child of the potential consequence of their actions (aka "threatening" them) before punishing them by not inviting them back.

I can see your perspective on this and you are entitled to be strict and controlling and assign punishment to other people’s children and have whatever rules you want in your home. But let’s be honest with ourselves that that’s how you are, and that there are other ways you could be that are less controlling, judgmental, and tolerant of the mistakes of small children who may not have as much self control or background manners knowledge as you’d like them to have. Feel free to systematically alienate your kid’s friends so everyone abides by your personal set of rules in your fiefdom at all times. You’re allowed to do what you want. But there are ways to respectfully shape kids’ behavior that do not include threats and punishments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now multiply what is happening in your car by 100, and you have what is happening at school, OP. I volunteered in grade schools for more than a decade. Your kid needs a tough hide in school now. It doesn't matter what school your child attends, either.

Yep, this. Yo can only work on your own kids and drill and model respect. And yes, correct other people’s kids when they are in your house or car and you’re the adult in charge.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I didn't expect this to still be going. The examples of back talk I am referencing are pretty classic. I ask them to do something and the response is, "I don't have to listen to you." or "No. *insert reason*"

I usually respond, well actually you do because your mom is not here and I am in charge of you. But it's obnoxious I even have to do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't expect this to still be going. The examples of back talk I am referencing are pretty classic. I ask them to do something and the response is, "I don't have to listen to you." or "No. *insert reason*"

I usually respond, well actually you do
because your mom is not here and I am in charge of you. But it's obnoxious I even have to do it!

I stopped giving a girl rides to an activity because of behavior like this. Her mom was livid and was like, Larla can’t do the activity if you don’t drive her. She wasn’t the type to be willing to listen to the truth so I just said it wasn’t going to work for us anymore. She harassed me by text and voicemail for weeks after.

Often the kids learn this feral, no-boundaries behavior from their parents. I volunteer at my kids’ private school and recently heard some really terrible stories about middle school kids in a grade cohort driving multiple math teachers out year after year because of awful behavior. The parents blamed the teachers even when given specifics of their kids’ bad behavior. They graduate this year and the school can’t say goodbye to those parents fast enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't expect this to still be going. The examples of back talk I am referencing are pretty classic. I ask them to do something and the response is, "I don't have to listen to you." or "No. *insert reason*"

I usually respond, well actually you do
because your mom is not here and I am in charge of you. But it's obnoxious I even have to do it!

I stopped giving a girl rides to an activity because of behavior like this. Her mom was livid and was like, Larla can’t do the activity if you don’t drive her. She wasn’t the type to be willing to listen to the truth so I just said it wasn’t going to work for us anymore. She harassed me by text and voicemail for weeks after.

Often the kids learn this feral, no-boundaries behavior from their parents. I volunteer at my kids’ private school and recently heard some really terrible stories about middle school kids in a grade cohort driving multiple math teachers out year after year because of awful behavior. The parents blamed the teachers even when given specifics of their kids’ bad behavior. They graduate this year and the school can’t say goodbye to those parents fast enough.

Parents are so clueless about how rudeness affects their child. My children like to invite their friends over and there is one kid that is a total easy child, well-behaved, kind and fun to be around. We take him everywhere (swimming, to museums, fun outings). Because he is polite, he gets to do lots of fun stuff with other families. Then there is a child that was so rude I never invited them back. When your child is a delight, the world opens up to them. When they are rude, even the most empathetic adults just won’t bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't expect this to still be going. The examples of back talk I am referencing are pretty classic. I ask them to do something and the response is, "I don't have to listen to you." or "No. *insert reason*"

I usually respond, well actually you do
because your mom is not here and I am in charge of you. But it's obnoxious I even have to do it!

I stopped giving a girl rides to an activity because of behavior like this. Her mom was livid and was like, Larla can’t do the activity if you don’t drive her. She wasn’t the type to be willing to listen to the truth so I just said it wasn’t going to work for us anymore. She harassed me by text and voicemail for weeks after.

Often the kids learn this feral, no-boundaries behavior from their parents. I volunteer at my kids’ private school and recently heard some really terrible stories about middle school kids in a grade cohort driving multiple math teachers out year after year because of awful behavior. The parents blamed the teachers even when given specifics of their kids’ bad behavior. They graduate this year and the school can’t say goodbye to those parents fast enough.

Parents are so clueless about how rudeness affects their child. My children like to invite their friends over and there is one kid that is a total easy child, well-behaved, kind and fun to be around. We take him everywhere (swimming, to museums, fun outings). Because he is polite, he gets to do lots of fun stuff with other families. Then there is a child that was so rude I never invited them back. When your child is a delight, the world opens up to them. When they are rude, even the most empathetic adults just won’t bother.

This! My DD has a friend who is so easygoing and never pushy and I would take her anytime and to any place. Her parents gave me a bottle of wine after her first overnight trip with us and I felt like I owed them wine because her company makes all of us have a better time. You don’t have to go crazy with formal manners- just teaching your kids to be patient, flexible and ungrabby goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

I actually think there is a pretty nasty tendency to classify kids here as "bad" or "rude" as though we hold kids to adult standards. If a kid doesn't t say thank you, he's not a bad kid. I see myself do it too, forming preferences for the super sweet and polite kids, but some just aren't like that because maybe they're more impulsive or forgetful or shy, and that doesn't make them bad. I think as adults we should be more cautious and forming opinions of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't expect this to still be going. The examples of back talk I am referencing are pretty classic. I ask them to do something and the response is, "I don't have to listen to you." or "No. *insert reason*"

I usually respond, well actually you do because your mom is not here and I am in charge of you. But it's obnoxious I even have to do it!

I once told a mom directly that I wouldn’t have her child over anymore for similar reasons. It was stressing me out and stressing out one of my kids and I just didn’t need that in my life. I don’t know if mom had hard feelings for me but I didn’t for her - I know raising kids is hard but I’ve got my hands full with my own!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think there is a pretty nasty tendency to classify kids here as "bad" or "rude" as though we hold kids to adult standards. If a kid doesn't t say thank you, he's not a bad kid. I see myself do it too, forming preferences for the super sweet and polite kids, but some just aren't like that because maybe they're more impulsive or forgetful or shy, and that doesn't make them bad. I think as adults we should be more cautious and forming opinions of kids.

He's not a bad kid, but he's rude.

And by definition, a shy kid isn't rummaging through cupboards uninvited. If they're too quiet to use manners but perfectly capable of helping themselves without being asked to, they're rude.

I prefer sweet and polite kids because I prefer sweet and polite adults. Impulsive kids aren't bad by definition, I agree. However, the "nice" impulsive ones I know always tack on a thank you later or blurt out something that might not be old-fashioned manners but counts as politeness after they do whatever impulsive thing they're doing. I also love a good impulsive kid compliment- those are the most genuine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think there is a pretty nasty tendency to classify kids here as "bad" or "rude" as though we hold kids to adult standards. If a kid doesn't t say thank you, he's not a bad kid. I see myself do it too, forming preferences for the super sweet and polite kids, but some just aren't like that because maybe they're more impulsive or forgetful or shy, and that doesn't make them bad. I think as adults we should be more cautious and forming opinions of kids.

He's not a bad kid, but he's rude.

And by definition, a shy kid isn't rummaging through cupboards uninvited. If they're too quiet to use manners but perfectly capable of helping themselves without being asked to, they're rude.

I prefer sweet and polite kids because I prefer sweet and polite adults. Impulsive kids aren't bad by definition, I agree. However, the "nice" impulsive ones I know always tack on a thank you later or blurt out something that might not be old-fashioned manners but counts as politeness after they do whatever impulsive thing they're doing. I also love a good impulsive kid compliment- those are the most genuine!

Why label them? The kid isn’t rude. He was acting rudely in that moment perhaps. But surely in a different moment he acted polite. A kid may be feeling or acting shy in your house but feels or acts friendly or brave at another friend’s house. Even if you consider yourself very polite, can you honestly say you have never been rude, either intentionally or inadvertently? Human beings are complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Following up, I wonder how much of it is a class thing. Our kids attended a title one school in DC and we honestly never saw any kind of behavior like that. All of the kids were polite and respectful at all times.

I suspect what you are seeing is the result of over privileged children being spoiled. And I wonder if your own kids fall into the same category but you just can’t see it. It wouldn’t surprise me.

I also see this with DCs friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I didn't expect this to still be going. The examples of back talk I am referencing are pretty classic. I ask them to do something and the response is, "I don't have to listen to you." or "No. *insert reason*"

I usually respond, well actually you do
because your mom is not here and I am in charge of you. But it's obnoxious I even have to do it!

I stopped giving a girl rides to an activity because of behavior like this. Her mom was livid and was like, Larla can’t do the activity if you don’t drive her. She wasn’t the type to be willing to listen to the truth so I just said it wasn’t going to work for us anymore. She harassed me by text and voicemail for weeks after.

Often the kids learn this feral, no-boundaries behavior from their parents. I volunteer at my kids’ private school and recently heard some really terrible stories about middle school kids in a grade cohort driving multiple math teachers out year after year because of awful behavior. The parents blamed the teachers even when given specifics of their kids’ bad behavior. They graduate this year and the school can’t say goodbye to those parents fast enough.

Parents are so clueless about how rudeness affects their child. My children like to invite their friends over and there is one kid that is a total easy child, well-behaved, kind and fun to be around. We take him everywhere (swimming, to museums, fun outings). Because he is polite, he gets to do lots of fun stuff with other families. Then there is a child that was so rude I never invited them back. When your child is a delight, the world opens up to them. When they are rude, even the most empathetic adults just won’t bother.

I’m the same way. My kid has two fantastic friends. Polite, easy to be around, genuinely nice.

My kid knows that I am willing to take them anywhere. Happy to drive them to carpool, happy to take them to the pool, etc.

The kids who are rude and ungrateful…. Not so much. I mean, I’m too old to deal with other kid’s crap. Their own parents can deal with them.