If your DIL…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - thanks everyone. To clarify, I’m the manager and the situation involves an employee who is skipping work offsite for birth of grandchild (who may or may not be born by the time the offsite is over). I realize, I’m probably being an A$$. But I wouldn’t take off work for my daughter in law. I’d do it for my own daughter.

Ugh this is annoying. Maybe the DIL and her son want her there. Maybe she's just insanely excited. It doesn't matter! Birth is a big deal, and if she is missing work for this GOOD FOR HER.

No one has ever looked back at their life and thought "I really wish I'd skipped going to my grandchild's birth for that work event". Get a grip!!!

[Anonymous]

Maybe is is watching her other grandkids while her DIL gives birth. But it's really none of your business if she has leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that when people think OP is the MIL they are like "OMG ask the DIL if she even wants you there I would never want my MIL at the birth" but as she's the manager and the employee is the MIL the answers are "OMG it's her grandchild, of course she should be there, you ATA."

Because yes the DIL's opinion matters here, but it's also not relevant to OP's situation. OP does not get to call the DIL and ask her if she needs her MIL there, or if MIL can come to work instead.

Life happens, work can wait. OP is the jerk.

[Anonymous]

Offsites can be a big deal, especially in the eyes of senior management. When my division had one a few weeks ago, the word was that you could only skip if you had previously requested leave that day--no deciding you didn't want to go and then making arrangements to skip. If management hadn't set things up that way, about a third of the division would have found a way to skip.

However, in this case I think that you have to let your employee take leave for a grandchild's birth. You probably don't have insight into all of the dynamics that make her want to take the day off (a specific request from her son, cultural expectations, general anxieties about childbirth that would leave her distracted all day) but just give her the benefit of the doubt this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mmmm, as someone who recently gave birth (scheduled C) and my MIL proudly told everyone she took the day off because she was so nervous, do whatever you want but maybe not tell the person giving birth. It stressed me out! I mean, you can do whatever you like, but not sure what you’re expecting in the way of seeing the baby right away at the hospital.

You added nothing to the discussion.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a terrible person to work for, OP. Family is more important than work. Period. A new grandchild being born is more important than an offsite work event. It doesn't matter if it's the daughter giving birth or the DIL because it's about being there to support the parents of your grandchild and to welcome the grandchild to the world. The fact you included the detail about it being the DIL and not the daughter shows that you are viewing the situation in the wrong way and assuming you know your employee's family dynamics when you clearly don't. I'm closer to my MIL than I am to my own mom and my MIL has always considered me like the daughter she never had and treated me as such. My in laws were there when my kids were born. It was important to them to be there for us and it was important to us that they were there. If they had to miss the birth to go to a work event, I would have understood of course but I'm very glad they were able to be at the hospital when my kids were born. It is a special time.

[Anonymous]

I would take leave, and everyone in my family would take leave. We are a close knit family and in high stakes situations, we are always on standby to run big small errands and give all kinds of support.

Maybe my DIL, DD, niece, grand daughter… did not want to see all of us and I would respect that. But, her DH needs to eat, needs someone to get him coffee, house needs to be cleaned, lawn needs to be mowed, clothes laundered, casseroles made, car seat installed, guests received from airport, oil changed, car detailed, dog walked, plants watered… there is a million things that one can pitch in for and be available in case we are called upon for more.

I mean my family always gathers for whoever needs help. Just being around family can provide support because no one has to go through good or bad stuff alone!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, the framing of this from the subject line messed everything up.

This situation is not about the DIL/MIL relationship at all. It is about a parent to somebody who is about to become a parent.

No right or wrong there, but the DIL is not the most relevant party in this sitation.

????

If the DIL actually doesn't want to see MIL for the first week, then maybe MIL should know that before asking for leave for the wrong week. IDIOT.
Of course it's about what the DIL wants. OP should ask her.

OP was trying to be sneaky and implied this was her situation but in reality she is just annoyed that one of her employees has declined to attend an off-site dinner due to the imminent birth of the employees grandchild, and thinks because SHE wouldn't prioritize her sons having a baby over work, that this employee should not.

OP, even though I did not see my in laws until i left the hospital, they traveled to us two days before i was induced, began preparing food and the house, and took care of my dog—allowing my husband to actually be with me in the hospital. That was actually a really important support for me, as my parents were in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People need to read. Op is the manager. Not the dil or mil.

People often just respond to the first post. It's good forum etiquette to include all the relevant info there, otherwise the thread will be cluttered by irrelevant answers.

OP, next time make sure to say everything in your first post.

It was written and communicated so poorly I wonder what kind of manager OP is to her staff.

This. OP appears not to understand her role, have any sense of perspective, or be able to identify the key issues in a decision. And on top of that, she's not willing to go to bat for an employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd invent a DIL giving birth to get out of a week-long offsite work event.

I’d invent just about anything. Who wants to go to a multi-day offsite retreat? I dread them. Mostly because I am afraid I will actually roll my eyes during the presentations.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter who is giving birth -- its your grandchild being born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't matter who is giving birth -- its your grandchild being born.

Tell that to the people who are like "See you in 2 weeks MIL" so this isn't some slam dunk of course she needs to be there situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that when people think OP is the MIL they are like "OMG ask the DIL if she even wants you there I would never want my MIL at the birth" but as she's the manager and the employee is the MIL the answers are "OMG it's her grandchild, of course she should be there, you ATA."

No, the answers once we know she's the manager are "mind your own business, if she wants to be there YOU aren't the one to decide."

Oh, ok. So a MIL gets to decide if she wants to be there? Good to know.

MIL gets to decide if she wants to take a day off. Take your MIL issues elsewhere, they aren't relevant here.

I don't have any MIL issues just laughing at all the inconsistent, yet predictable, answers here. No matter what, OP is wrong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny that when people think OP is the MIL they are like "OMG ask the DIL if she even wants you there I would never want my MIL at the birth" but as she's the manager and the employee is the MIL the answers are "OMG it's her grandchild, of course she should be there, you ATA."

Because yes the DIL's opinion matters here, but it's also not relevant to OP's situation. OP does not get to call the DIL and ask her if she needs her MIL there, or if MIL can come to work instead.

Life happens, work can wait. OP is the jerk.

See the DIL's opinion on whether her MIL takes off of work does not in fact matter. Yes, it matters whether the MIL gets to be in the delivery room. But the question was whether a person should or should not take leave from work because an important event is happening in her family. DIL doesn't get any more of a say than manager OP.

The OP implied this was some sort of travel event, by comparing it to a "trip." So it could have nothing at all to be with being in the delivery room and a lot to do with being local and available in the event something happened or either of them needed her support, if other grandchildren might need care, if the grandmother herself just thought it was a momentous occasion that regardless of where she was, she didn't want to be at a work event when news broke o that she could celebrate it.

[Anonymous]

My Dad did not even take off when I was born. He dropped my Mom off on way to work.