child is gay but not out and sleepovers

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How is the "2 sisters" part relevant? Are you worried about incest?

Um because the sisters are probably allowed to have same sex sleepovers?! And were allowed at tweens age? So rule setting may be trickier. Not sure why you would jump to incest.

I’m also not sure why OP also seems to think gay = predator. What a weird way to think.

OP here. Where did i imply that gay = predator? Sorry if I did, but I don't consciously think that way.

I am just not clear if i am at the point where I want to sponsor people who are attracted to each other sleeping under my roof. And because she isn't out to me, it's hard to have that discussion with her. And because of her gender, and her friends' gender, this isn't the sort of thing where society would pressure them NOT to have a sleepover, it seems like it's easier to almost "encourage" a sexy sleepover without meaning to.

You seem to think that gay people always have sex all the time and don't have same sex friends. This is weird.

Exactly. She is assuming and judging and showing major signs of homophobia and she wonders why her daughter hasn't come out yet.

Yep.

I've been anti-homophobic since I was a kid and that was a long time ago before it was common. But you are right I am learning and really wrapping my head around this. It's taken me aback for sure even if I am technically okay with it.

I don't think she's attracted to all her girl friends, But it seems like a double standard to not allow boys over for my straight kid if I allow girls over for my likely gay kid. And I do think there have been a couple girls that she has been attracted to in the past as I recollect. I am less worried about them making a move on her or her making a move on them and more worried that they are more than just friends and I have been clueless to it until recently.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Nothing. You don't even know yourself.

This!

My parents 100% thought I was gay. I had a really awkward conversation about it and how I should quit my sport because of the lesbians. I'm not now nor have I ever been attracted to women! I was friends with my lesbian teammates, but nothing more than that. Truth is you don't know! Fast forward 20+ years - happily married in a heterosexual relationship worh 2 kids. You don't know what you don't know. I'm simply a sporty tomboy, always have been.

Right, I dont know, but I get a strong vibe. Should I ignore it because I don't have proof?

Yes, for her sake ignore it until she tells you.

So I should assume she's straight even though it really seems like she isn't?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, id put an end to the sleepovers. I have a 14 year old dd and thinking of doing that too. They are just too grown now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. You don't even know yourself.

This!

My parents 100% thought I was gay. I had a really awkward conversation about it and how I should quit my sport because of the lesbians. I'm not now nor have I ever been attracted to women! I was friends with my lesbian teammates, but nothing more than that. Truth is you don't know! Fast forward 20+ years - happily married in a heterosexual relationship worh 2 kids. You don't know what you don't know. I'm simply a sporty tomboy, always have been.

Right, I dont know, but I get a strong vibe. Should I ignore it because I don't have proof?

Yes, for her sake ignore it until she tells you.

So I should assume she's straight even though it really seems like she isn't?

No, you shouldn't assume anything about her sexual orientation.

[Anonymous]

Are the sisters older or younger? If older, follow the same rules you did with them until take actually comes out to you. Encourage her to have multiple friends over if you’re concern about her getting up to stuff with one particular friend. If the sisters are younger then just decide no more sleepovers past age whatever your oldest daughter is now so you don’t have set increasingly Byzantine sexuality dependent rules about them. What if she comes out to you as bi?

[Anonymous]

So, it sounds like the consensus is to allow her to continue to have sleepovers with girls, including those who seem like they may be "more than friends," until she is explicitly out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, it sounds like the consensus is to allow her to continue to have sleepovers with girls, including those who seem like they may be "more than friends," until she is explicitly out?

Seems to me like the consensus is either so that OR just stop sleepovers for all your kids.

[Anonymous]

I stopped sleepovers. Despite the general consensus that if sex doesn't result in pregnancy, it's not a big deal, I think it is important. I'm not sending my DD into a situation where there's oral sex with boys or girls. Or experimentation where someone later says they didn't want to do or felt pressured to consent.

It seemed hypocritical to allow sleepovers just to prove I wasn't homophobic when there was absolutely zero chance I'd allow opposite sex sleepovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped sleepovers. Despite the general consensus that if sex doesn't result in pregnancy, it's not a big deal, I think it is important. I'm not sending my DD into a situation where there's oral sex with boys or girls. Or experimentation where someone later says they didn't want to do or felt pressured to consent.

It seemed hypocritical to allow sleepovers just to prove I wasn't homophobic when there was absolutely zero chance I'd allow opposite sex sleepovers.

With boys? Definitely not.

But I feel like there’s an overreaction with girls, especially in OP’s daughters case. It sounds like it’s just one friend at a time, and they share a bed. So what? They probably just sleep; at worst there is a little heavy petting, which isn’t uncommon among teens.

But it is not a big group (and yes, big groups can get mean sometimes. That’s true). Just not see a big deal here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped sleepovers. Despite the general consensus that if sex doesn't result in pregnancy, it's not a big deal, I think it is important. I'm not sending my DD into a situation where there's oral sex with boys or girls. Or experimentation where someone later says they didn't want to do or felt pressured to consent.

It seemed hypocritical to allow sleepovers just to prove I wasn't homophobic when there was absolutely zero chance I'd allow opposite sex sleepovers.

So if you kid was invited to a sleep over you would force them to say no?

[Anonymous]

There are so many levels to this post. I would say start by having conversations with your child where you affirm that you will love her always regardless of her orientation and then encourage her to talk to you about sex. Maybe go to LGBTQ pride events or read supportive books or otherwise educate yourself while signaling to your child that if she is gay, you will support her. Be sure to leave any non gay affirming organization you may belong to since of you associate with homophobic organizations, your child may assume you are not safe to come out to. If you child is gay, she will need your support. In your post the main missing part is that you are saying you think your child is gay but she has said nothing of the sort to you. You really need your child to come to you to have conversations and get support so the main problem I see is that she has not done so. Sleepover regulations seem minor compared to the fact you think your child is gay and your child is not taking to you about this at all. If you fix this lack of communication/trust then what you need to do about sleepovers may be more clear. For a starter, if she is gay this does not mean she will be attracted to all her female friends and be trying to have sex with them. That is simply not how attraction works. If you had open communication with her then you and she could decide that she would not have a girl that she is attracted to who may become a romantic partner to sleep over in the same room just like you would not have a guy she was attested to sleep over in the same room. Communication and knowledge really are the foundation of then managing any questions that arise such as sleepover etiquette.

[Anonymous]

It's a good idea to end sleepovers at this age anyhow, no matter the circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Set up the sleepover to avoid temptation. You can do this without making a big deal about it.

Sleepovers with one other kid, sharing a bed, seem problematic. Sleepovers with several kids, camped out on the floor seem less problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are so many levels to this post. I would say start by having conversations with your child where you affirm that you will love her always regardless of her orientation and then encourage her to talk to you about sex. Maybe go to LGBTQ pride events or read supportive books or otherwise educate yourself while signaling to your child that if she is gay, you will support her. Be sure to leave any non gay affirming organization you may belong to since of you associate with homophobic organizations, your child may assume you are not safe to come out to. If you child is gay, she will need your support. In your post the main missing part is that you are saying you think your child is gay but she has said nothing of the sort to you. You really need your child to come to you to have conversations and get support so the main problem I see is that she has not done so. Sleepover regulations seem minor compared to the fact you think your child is gay and your child is not taking to you about this at all. If you fix this lack of communication/trust then what you need to do about sleepovers may be more clear. For a starter, if she is gay this does not mean she will be attracted to all her female friends and be trying to have sex with them. That is simply not how attraction works. If you had open communication with her then you and she could decide that she would not have a girl that she is attracted to who may become a romantic partner to sleep over in the same room just like you would not have a guy she was attested to sleep over in the same room. Communication and knowledge really are the foundation of then managing any questions that arise such as sleepover etiquette.

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