If you have a mentally ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Their condition gets worse. My mother had severe anxiety when I was small, which progressed to paranoia, which progressed to delusions. It was rough. I don’t know how the non-mentally ill parent is supposed to deal. On her own my mother had atrocious judgment and couldn’t take care of another person.

+ same with my father and my uncles, all divorced. Their wives were saints until they too were almost driven insane by the insanity of living with someone like that.

I wonder if there is research on this- do “minor” mental illnesses like anxiety or depression frequently escalate to psychosis when they are left untreated for long periods, like years or decades?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has something pretty severe going on. He snaps and blows up over very minor incidents. Today he stormed out of the car yelling as we were about to leave for my child’s birthday lunch. He always finds a way to blame me for his outbursts and takes no responsibility.

He has underlying anxiety and I think he is also depressed right now. But it could be something more severe, like borderline. When he is in a rage he is so nasty to me. His mood can turn on a dime. Five minutes after an outburst he is as if nothing happened. He has threatened me with calling police and accused me of illegal things. He is often paranoid and hears and sees things that haven’t happened.

We went to couples counseling and he ranted and raved about what a monster was. The therapist told him to just get a divorce. He agreed wholeheartedly in the session. Then on the way home started crying and said he doesn’t want divorce, he wants to go back to therapy.

OP I am at my wit’s end, it’s been more than a year of this. My kids are young. I just want my old husband back but it doesn’t seem it’s going to happen without treatment. I do not know if I can get divorced now with him in this state. I fear he would drag me through court because he is so hyped up and dysregulated, everything seems like a slight and he escalates to threats of lawyers whenever he is upset. It’s really a nightmare. After therapy last week though I am pretty sure he does not actually want to get divorced. I don’t know who he is anymore some days.

I think all you can do is accept that this is where he is now, and decide on your own boundaries. You for sure have more ability to push him to get help if you want. I would probably do that in your situation before it gets worst. Just be sure you ARE ready to get divorced if you threaten.

Has the therapist told him to get a full neuropsychol test done? Then seek out more appropriate, targeted therapy and medicine given the Dx.

Agree could be borderline, bipolar, schitzo, ASD, brain issues, etc.
Or good old fashion misogyny or narcissism. My spouse was called out at work for constantly treated women like children when HR overviewed his work with women groups, men groups, and coed groups. He cannot work well with women unless one comes in in a super senior position and instantly orders him around.

Not yet. We have only had two sessions with therapist. He seems to know what he’s doing. I’m going to see how it goes.

A good Phd therapist will absolutely want to loop you in to every third or fourth session, or more early on, in order to keep accountability for how he’s doing and what he’s working on.
A good Phd therapist will also have more experience or knowledge of diagnoses and send you guys to a neuropsychology test when and if needed. (Ie for accommodations or to verify things).

Good luck

Thank you. I think he needs it. Our couples counselor is a PsyD. But he’s very experienced and teaches in the psych dept of a university.

That’s good, glad he is talking with both of you.
At your spouses age as long as an experienced person knows the history and symptoms and patterns they can grant an informal diagnosis. No need for $5k neuropsycho, unlike a child who may benefit from therapies and accommodations.

We went neuropsych first and learned he has way more tough mental disorders than anticipated. It helped me understand, but I still don’t accept his verbal abuse and temper and constant setbacks. I wish he had gotten help with younger; his mom was busy with the disorders spouse and more severely dysfunctional younger child and chalked up the straight A son as “stubborn”, and “explosive,” and “another male who didn’t pick up after himself.”

Not that anyone told me this whilst dating. She did mention she was surprised he “had it in him to propose,”which I found to br a very odd comment.

Was there some Aspergers in your diagnosis? My therapist suspects borderline from the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Their condition gets worse. My mother had severe anxiety when I was small, which progressed to paranoia, which progressed to delusions. It was rough. I don’t know how the non-mentally ill parent is supposed to deal. On her own my mother had atrocious judgment and couldn’t take care of another person.

+ same with my father and my uncles, all divorced. Their wives were saints until they too were almost driven insane by the insanity of living with someone like that.

I wonder if there is research on this- do “minor” mental illnesses like anxiety or depression frequently escalate to psychosis when they are left untreated for long periods, like years or decades?

They can. There is some research on this. It isn’t that conclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Their condition gets worse. My mother had severe anxiety when I was small, which progressed to paranoia, which progressed to delusions. It was rough. I don’t know how the non-mentally ill parent is supposed to deal. On her own my mother had atrocious judgment and couldn’t take care of another person.

+ same with my father and my uncles, all divorced. Their wives were saints until they too were almost driven insane by the insanity of living with someone like that.

I wonder if there is research on this- do “minor” mental illnesses like anxiety or depression frequently escalate to psychosis when they are left untreated for long periods, like years or decades?

They can. There is some research on this. It isn’t that conclusive.

This is extraordinarily rare. It is most likely that the anxiety/depression symptoms were prodrome for a more severe MI, not that anxiety or depression themselves lead to paranoid psychosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Mental illness of XW occurred when she was 45. Not uncommon as a result of perimenopause.

This makes no sense at all. Menopause does not cause mental illness.

Perimenopause can absolutely trigger severe depression and other symptoms.

Ok, so then peri can cause depression -- not "severe mental illness." Severe mental illness is bipolar and schizophrenia. Quit it with the hyperbole.

depression can be severe mental illness. Depression exists on a spectrum from mild to severe. My MILL had multiple episodes of depression, some so severe that she was practically catatonic and could bot do the simplest things for herself like washing, feeding and toileting. She had ECT, and this brought her out of the catatonia.

For other people depression can lead to suicide. That’s pretty “severe”, don’t you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - some therapist have thought it was bipolar others have not. I think it is but my opinion doesn’t really matter and his therapist said wouldn’t necessarily change treatment. To me clearly his meds aren’t working well so his meds treatment should change but I obviously have no say in meds

I hate living with the constant fear that one of this times he will kill himself. I don’t think he will but don’t know for sure and he makes passive suicide comments like “I wish I was dead”. I hate wondering if he’s up late because he’s working or because he’s spiraling and taken a bunch of Xanax and may decide to order alcohol (we don’t keep it in the house). I hate that if we separate either the kids would have basically no relationship with him or they’d be stuck dealing with him on their own - at least now they have a relationship that is generally positive if confusing and unpredictable (they are used to him disappearing for days and say nothing about it, it’s just the norm for them). I hate feeling like I’m enabling him to avoid treatment and also that trying to force treatment could end in so many bad outcomes (divorce with one of the bad outcomes for kid, suicide). And my heart breaks for him to have to live this way

I say this as a person who has been in a similar situation - in a relationship with a severely mentally ill parent and feeling like all options are bad. They are. Staying with him in a relationship like you describe is normalizing it for them and it is a pattern they will unconsciously seek to replicate in the adult relationships.

IME, separation and creating a healthy environment at least 50% of the time was the safest and best thing for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Their condition gets worse. My mother had severe anxiety when I was small, which progressed to paranoia, which progressed to delusions. It was rough. I don’t know how the non-mentally ill parent is supposed to deal. On her own my mother had atrocious judgment and couldn’t take care of another person.

+ same with my father and my uncles, all divorced. Their wives were saints until they too were almost driven insane by the insanity of living with someone like that.

I wonder if there is research on this- do “minor” mental illnesses like anxiety or depression frequently escalate to psychosis when they are left untreated for long periods, like years or decades?

There is acute anxiety or depression- easy to pinpoint and treat (a death, laid off, post partum), and there is chronic anxiety and depression, which is an output of underlying mental disorders or disabilities.
The latter, you can somewhat treat the anxiety and depression but until you Dx and treat the underlying cause and mental disorder flare ups or worse will continue to happen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has something pretty severe going on. He snaps and blows up over very minor incidents. Today he stormed out of the car yelling as we were about to leave for my child’s birthday lunch. He always finds a way to blame me for his outbursts and takes no responsibility.

He has underlying anxiety and I think he is also depressed right now. But it could be something more severe, like borderline. When he is in a rage he is so nasty to me. His mood can turn on a dime. Five minutes after an outburst he is as if nothing happened. He has threatened me with calling police and accused me of illegal things. He is often paranoid and hears and sees things that haven’t happened.

We went to couples counseling and he ranted and raved about what a monster was. The therapist told him to just get a divorce. He agreed wholeheartedly in the session. Then on the way home started crying and said he doesn’t want divorce, he wants to go back to therapy.

OP I am at my wit’s end, it’s been more than a year of this. My kids are young. I just want my old husband back but it doesn’t seem it’s going to happen without treatment. I do not know if I can get divorced now with him in this state. I fear he would drag me through court because he is so hyped up and dysregulated, everything seems like a slight and he escalates to threats of lawyers whenever he is upset. It’s really a nightmare. After therapy last week though I am pretty sure he does not actually want to get divorced. I don’t know who he is anymore some days.

I think all you can do is accept that this is where he is now, and decide on your own boundaries. You for sure have more ability to push him to get help if you want. I would probably do that in your situation before it gets worst. Just be sure you ARE ready to get divorced if you threaten.

Has the therapist told him to get a full neuropsychol test done? Then seek out more appropriate, targeted therapy and medicine given the Dx.

Agree could be borderline, bipolar, schitzo, ASD, brain issues, etc.
Or good old fashion misogyny or narcissism. My spouse was called out at work for constantly treated women like children when HR overviewed his work with women groups, men groups, and coed groups. He cannot work well with women unless one comes in in a super senior position and instantly orders him around.

Not yet. We have only had two sessions with therapist. He seems to know what he’s doing. I’m going to see how it goes.

A good Phd therapist will absolutely want to loop you in to every third or fourth session, or more early on, in order to keep accountability for how he’s doing and what he’s working on.
A good Phd therapist will also have more experience or knowledge of diagnoses and send you guys to a neuropsychology test when and if needed. (Ie for accommodations or to verify things).

Good luck

Thank you. I think he needs it. Our couples counselor is a PsyD. But he’s very experienced and teaches in the psych dept of a university.

That’s good, glad he is talking with both of you.
At your spouses age as long as an experienced person knows the history and symptoms and patterns they can grant an informal diagnosis. No need for $5k neuropsycho, unlike a child who may benefit from therapies and accommodations.

We went neuropsych first and learned he has way more tough mental disorders than anticipated. It helped me understand, but I still don’t accept his verbal abuse and temper and constant setbacks. I wish he had gotten help with younger; his mom was busy with the disorders spouse and more severely dysfunctional younger child and chalked up the straight A son as “stubborn”, and “explosive,” and “another male who didn’t pick up after himself.”

Not that anyone told me this whilst dating. She did mention she was surprised he “had it in him to propose,”which I found to br a very odd comment.

Was there some Aspergers in your diagnosis? My therapist suspects borderline from the behavior.

Yes aspergers ASD I from his fathers side and he also diagnosed with bipolar, anxiety and depression.

[Anonymous]

Why do so many people have mental health problems these days? Was it always this prevalent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people have mental health problems these days? Was it always this prevalent?

I think it has always been this way, and people have just accepted abuse from their lived ones who have issues.

I have a relative with anxiety, and everyone in the family just accepts her for always being mad at the smallest things. She is always fighting with someone in the family over little silly things.

She is just realizing that she has an anxiety disorder. She is in her 50s and has reigned terror on the entire family since her 20s. One of her DCs has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and is on meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many people have mental health problems these days? Was it always this prevalent?

Well my marriage was so not working nor like anything my parents had. I could not figure wtf was going on, it was psycho-ville at home. But the executive functioning issues were constant, and the terrible avoidant communication, and then his temper tantrums started because I wasn’t having it.
I did some reading on Passive Aggressive men, then ADHD, then aspergers. I told him he needed help and it prob was adhd like all his hedge fund buddies and the Dx and meds would help.

He took the test. No adhd but a litany of other bad stuff. He refuses to do anger mgmt class or DBT. Every psych we talk to is shocked someone if his agreessive, maladaptive profile even agreed to take a neuropsych test. Well his chronic ignorance is bliss for that.
Not that he accepts his diagnosis and he certainly did none of the baby steps the therapist gave him, including reading and responding to personal emails once a week. Too overwhelming for him, he turns into a raging lunatic at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has major depressive disorder and anxiety. She also has outearns me x3 (she private, me public sector). I'm DH. I do about 98% of the household management, all the child logistics (get up early, pack lunches, drop off and pick up, manage schedules,etc.) and all the cooking, cleaning, maintenance, straightening up, etc. (while also managing a full-time not-so-unstressful executive role in my own right). Spouse gets regularly rattled by work stuff and then is in siege mentality (everyone is against me!) and while she mostly exempts our kids from the wrath, I get it all. It's like I'm the punching bag that is safe. Tiny things become major crises (e.g. she starts talking and then lowers her voice as she walks down the hall and I say, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that last part" and this, in her view, is due to me (no one!) listening to her, not the physical fact of walking away and lower volume while saying something). We have very little intimacy or companionship left, as she bottles it all up. Try to make friends and there is always something wrong with them. I won't/can't leave it because of our kids, but it's devastatingly depressing to think this is my life for the next 20 years. I saw all the signs but chose against them because they started to improve a decade ago, but then childbirth brought them all back and worse, Wouldn't trade it due to the amazing kids, but it's not fun on the whole (we do have lovely times and some fun mixed in, but it always feels like it's going to fall apart, because it does). And, jobwise, she's been in a mix of higher and lower stress environments and it's all the same--she's been an emotional and depressive mess in all of the environments. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. There's so much pain in some people's lives and most people don't have a clue.

Thank you for sharing your experience. My son started seeing a woman who is struggling with the same things as your wife, on top of other diagnoses. He likes her a lot, and she him, but I can't help but think what happens if they take it further and get married, have kids, etc. She can be very hot/cold towards him, and he spends a lot of time navigating around her struggles. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this as well, and I fully agree with you on not knowing what's going on with people's lives behind closed doors. He wouldn't have known unless she straight out spilled the beans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but my DH retreats at least 1x month, probably more, meaning he holes himself up for a period of time (sometimes a few days, sometimes only one day). I think of it as going into his dark place. During these times he barely talks to us, and if he had any "dad" responsibilities (like driving a kid to a sports practice or something), he just sends me a text saying something to the effect of "I'm not available anymore for this." He's missed major holidays, birthdays, plus the kids have had to miss smaller events like an already planned playdate that they were excited about it.

If I were to call him out on it he would absolutely blow up, like literally explode, and somehow say the situation was my fault. When he's not in his dark place, he is wonderful. I take it in stride and try to handle it the best I can. There are times that it can be hard for both me and the kids, but over the years I've gotten more used to it, and have accepted that it's totally out of my control. It also breaks my heart that he has these episodes in the first place, they must be miserable for him (he was not like this when we were first married, maybe started 11 or 12 years in). I miss the old DH.

A friend's DH is like this, he has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses meds. Educate yourself re: signs, your kids will be more at risk. Sorry, it has really taken a toll on my friend esp the unpredictability

What's described in the OP doesn't sound like bipolar, sounds like something else.

My spouse is HFA and Bipolar II, and has similar chronic mental illness issues. He doesn’t have the multi-day manic or depression episodes but just explodes everytime someone asks him something. He also won’t continue therapy nor put the work in.
DBT was recommended and he made no efforts to sign up or go, after I called around and found some programs for adults.
He, unlike others H here, does not accept him diagnosis and thinks everyone else is crazy. There are days he is so delusional it is scary.

What are you going to do? Are you staying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ Have to add that outside of these 3-5 days, he is a nearly perfect parent: very organized, in charge of the kids calendars for school and activities, does most of the drop offs and pick ups, does pretty much all medical appointments, does about a third of the cooking etc. And he is the bread winner ( his salary is double mine). I see the 3-5 days off every couple of days like a much needed break. He is very good at following routines once they are established. He is not good with change ( which is what I am good at).

It does not give him the right to take all these days off, but he is great so I am very understanding as long as there is respect and a peaceful, loving environment at home.

No wonder he needs a break every few months, he is doing almost everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse has major depressive disorder and anxiety. She also has outearns me x3 (she private, me public sector). I'm DH. I do about 98% of the household management, all the child logistics (get up early, pack lunches, drop off and pick up, manage schedules,etc.) and all the cooking, cleaning, maintenance, straightening up, etc. (while also managing a full-time not-so-unstressful executive role in my own right). Spouse gets regularly rattled by work stuff and then is in siege mentality (everyone is against me!) and while she mostly exempts our kids from the wrath, I get it all. It's like I'm the punching bag that is safe. Tiny things become major crises (e.g. she starts talking and then lowers her voice as she walks down the hall and I say, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that last part" and this, in her view, is due to me (no one!) listening to her, not the physical fact of walking away and lower volume while saying something). We have very little intimacy or companionship left, as she bottles it all up. Try to make friends and there is always something wrong with them. I won't/can't leave it because of our kids, but it's devastatingly depressing to think this is my life for the next 20 years. I saw all the signs but chose against them because they started to improve a decade ago, but then childbirth brought them all back and worse, Wouldn't trade it due to the amazing kids, but it's not fun on the whole (we do have lovely times and some fun mixed in, but it always feels like it's going to fall apart, because it does). And, jobwise, she's been in a mix of higher and lower stress environments and it's all the same--she's been an emotional and depressive mess in all of the environments. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. There's so much pain in some people's lives and most people don't have a clue.

Thank you for sharing your experience. My son started seeing a woman who is struggling with the same things as your wife, on top of other diagnoses. He likes her a lot, and she him, but I can't help but think what happens if they take it further and get married, have kids, etc. She can be very hot/cold towards him, and he spends a lot of time navigating around her struggles. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this as well, and I fully agree with you on not knowing what's going on with people's lives behind closed doors. He wouldn't have known unless she straight out spilled the beans.

I hope your son gets out and doesn’t marry her.