If you have a mentally ill spouse

[Anonymous]

If you do not have experience with this, please don’t comment about how you’d never put up with it. I didn’t think I would either until I’m now living it

Dh has severe depression and anxiety. He’s in weekly therapy and on meds. An intensive DBT has been recommended but he says he so far won’t do it. He is very successful professionally. At least every other month something “bad” happens (such as losing a key client) that spends him spiraling and then laying in misery in bed for a couple days. He bails on all domestic responsibility, treats me rather rudely if I talk to him (either doesn’t respond at all or short one words). Eventually he snaps out of it and acts like it never happened.

Would you just accept this? Insist on more intensive therapy with threat of divorce? Something else? He won’t do anything different therapy wise unless losing his family is on the line.

[Anonymous]

I'm putting up with it. I've convinced him to quit his job at the end of the year to focus on himself. Between savings and my income, we'll be fine financially. I need him to get better. Fingers crossed it will help and not make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm putting up with it. I've convinced him to quit his job at the end of the year to focus on himself. Between savings and my income, we'll be fine financially. I need him to get better. Fingers crossed it will help and not make things worse.

How did you convince him? Mine claims he would be even worse out without the focus of work which makes me want to scream that that’s all the more reason he needs more help

[Anonymous]

Have lived this the last 15 years. No, of course I would not have made the decision to stay in a situation where I knew that my spouse rejected recommended care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have lived this the last 15 years. No, of course I would not have made the decision to stay in a situation where I knew that my spouse rejected recommended care.

I’m confused - you left? Or you’re saying you would never have chosen to be in this situation if you knew it was coming? Or your spouse got the recommended care so you stayed?

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the same situation, but my DH retreats at least 1x month, probably more, meaning he holes himself up for a period of time (sometimes a few days, sometimes only one day). I think of it as going into his dark place. During these times he barely talks to us, and if he had any "dad" responsibilities (like driving a kid to a sports practice or something), he just sends me a text saying something to the effect of "I'm not available anymore for this." He's missed major holidays, birthdays, plus the kids have had to miss smaller events like an already planned playdate that they were excited about it.

If I were to call him out on it he would absolutely blow up, like literally explode, and somehow say the situation was my fault. When he's not in his dark place, he is wonderful. I take it in stride and try to handle it the best I can. There are times that it can be hard for both me and the kids, but over the years I've gotten more used to it, and have accepted that it's totally out of my control. It also breaks my heart that he has these episodes in the first place, they must be miserable for him (he was not like this when we were first married, maybe started 11 or 12 years in). I miss the old DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do not have experience with this, please don’t comment about how you’d never put up with it. I didn’t think I would either until I’m now living it

Dh has severe depression and anxiety. He’s in weekly therapy and on meds. An intensive DBT has been recommended but he says he so far won’t do it. He is very successful professionally. At least every other month something “bad” happens (such as losing a key client) that spends him spiraling and then laying in misery in bed for a couple days. He bails on all domestic responsibility, treats me rather rudely if I talk to him (either doesn’t respond at all or short one words). Eventually he snaps out of it and acts like it never happened.

Would you just accept this? Insist on more intensive therapy with threat of divorce? Something else? He won’t do anything different therapy wise unless losing his family is on the line.

I'm the mentally ill half of my marriage (bipolar disorder). Here's my take -- severe mental illness is horrible, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But -- it isn't an excuse to behave like a child or bail on responsibilities or treat loved ones poorly. You have to be an adult and manage your illness as best as possible in order to minimize the effects on others, which, if DBT is recommended and he doesn't do it, well -- then he doesn't appear to be doing his best to manage his illness. To me? That's unacceptable. So I do not recommend that you "just accept this." Maybe you need to insist on therapy with a real threat of losing his family on the line. But you need to be able to back that up. You need to not put up with the poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

I moved out with the kids, there were safety issues, but I told him I would stay married while living separately if he got help. So far that help hasn’t been enough to resolve the safety issues so we are kind of in limbo.

There is this idea that you can force someone to get help and they will get better but the help doesn’t always work.

My perspective may not be relevant without safety issues though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved out with the kids, there were safety issues, but I told him I would stay married while living separately if he got help. So far that help hasn’t been enough to resolve the safety issues so we are kind of in limbo.

There is this idea that you can force someone to get help and they will get better but the help doesn’t always work.

My perspective may not be relevant without safety issues though.

What were the safety issues if you don’t mind me asking? I do not trust him alone with the kids (never know when something will happen and he’ll take Xanax and be unable to safely care for them) but there’s no threat of violence. He used to lash out verbally but has at least learned to leave immediately when he’s feeling that way

[Anonymous]

I decided to divorce. But things blew up and it made no sense to say. He lost his job, got into a lot of trouble, and would’ve taken me and the kids down with him.

This was after years of just dealing with it. I mourn the man I married, but he’s gone. A shell remains and I have to move forward for my kids. Sad but that’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm putting up with it. I've convinced him to quit his job at the end of the year to focus on himself. Between savings and my income, we'll be fine financially. I need him to get better. Fingers crossed it will help and not make things worse.

How did you convince him? Mine claims he would be even worse out without the focus of work which makes me want to scream that that’s all the more reason he needs more help

He has had physical illnesses too. Nothing life threatening but threatening to quality of life if not addressed. So I think that was the key. And that both of his parents had the same mental issues, so it wasn't far fetched to see himself following in their unfortunate footsteps. I am not qualified to deal with his depression and anxiety, but I have a tentative agreement from him to begin treatment next year too. It's a lot to think about but one step at a time.

[Anonymous]

I did not accept it. I refuse(d) to walk on eggshells in my own home. I demanded he leave and not come back until he went to therapy AND did all the various types of therapies his main therapist suggested. He lived with his relatives for almost a year and a half, and came over most nights for dinner and also shuttled the kids around on weekends during that time. I consider it tough love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not accept it. I refuse(d) to walk on eggshells in my own home. I demanded he leave and not come back until he went to therapy AND did all the various types of therapies his main therapist suggested. He lived with his relatives for almost a year and a half, and came over most nights for dinner and also shuttled the kids around on weekends during that time. I consider it tough love.

Did you worry about it ending with divorce and his having custody time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not accept it. I refuse(d) to walk on eggshells in my own home. I demanded he leave and not come back until he went to therapy AND did all the various types of therapies his main therapist suggested. He lived with his relatives for almost a year and a half, and came over most nights for dinner and also shuttled the kids around on weekends during that time. I consider it tough love.

Did you worry about it ending with divorce and his having custody time?

Nope. I was 75% certain he didn't want to divorce me, and if he got healthy I didn't want to divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have lived this the last 15 years. No, of course I would not have made the decision to stay in a situation where I knew that my spouse rejected recommended care.

I’m confused - you left? Or you’re saying you would never have chosen to be in this situation if you knew it was coming? Or your spouse got the recommended care so you stayed?

The last of those—my spouse has never tried to avoid treatment.

It’s hard enough when recommended treatment doesn’t work perfectly, which is common enough; no way would I live with a situation where my spouse was refusing it.