If you have a mentally ill spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has something pretty severe going on. He snaps and blows up over very minor incidents. Today he stormed out of the car yelling as we were about to leave for my child’s birthday lunch. He always finds a way to blame me for his outbursts and takes no responsibility.

He has underlying anxiety and I think he is also depressed right now. But it could be something more severe, like borderline. When he is in a rage he is so nasty to me. His mood can turn on a dime. Five minutes after an outburst he is as if nothing happened. He has threatened me with calling police and accused me of illegal things. He is often paranoid and hears and sees things that haven’t happened.

We went to couples counseling and he ranted and raved about what a monster was. The therapist told him to just get a divorce. He agreed wholeheartedly in the session. Then on the way home started crying and said he doesn’t want divorce, he wants to go back to therapy.

OP I am at my wit’s end, it’s been more than a year of this. My kids are young. I just want my old husband back but it doesn’t seem it’s going to happen without treatment. I do not know if I can get divorced now with him in this state. I fear he would drag me through court because he is so hyped up and dysregulated, everything seems like a slight and he escalates to threats of lawyers whenever he is upset. It’s really a nightmare. After therapy last week though I am pretty sure he does not actually want to get divorced. I don’t know who he is anymore some days.

I think all you can do is accept that this is where he is now, and decide on your own boundaries. You for sure have more ability to push him to get help if you want. I would probably do that in your situation before it gets worst. Just be sure you ARE ready to get divorced if you threaten.

If he is hearing and seeing things that are not there, then he might be schizophrenic or bipolar - or have depression with psychosis. It could also be paranoid personality disorder, if the paranoia is severe enough to resemble visual/auditory hallucinations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do not have experience with this, please don’t comment about how you’d never put up with it. I didn’t think I would either until I’m now living it

Dh has severe depression and anxiety. He’s in weekly therapy and on meds. An intensive DBT has been recommended but he says he so far won’t do it. He is very successful professionally. At least every other month something “bad” happens (such as losing a key client) that spends him spiraling and then laying in misery in bed for a couple days. He bails on all domestic responsibility, treats me rather rudely if I talk to him (either doesn’t respond at all or short one words). Eventually he snaps out of it and acts like it never happened.

Would you just accept this? Insist on more intensive therapy with threat of divorce? Something else? He won’t do anything different therapy wise unless losing his family is on the line.

If I didn't have kids, I would be gone.
If I had kids (I do), I keep their welfare at the forefront. If and when their dad's mental health detrimentally impacts them, I will leave.
If he is verbally abusive (and certainly physically), I will make plans to leave.

It's an illness. And I hate the idea of abandoning a spouse when they are sick. But it's an INFURIATING illness because it is so hard to watch when they won't help themselves.

[Anonymous]

How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

[Anonymous]

^^ severe *mental illness*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm putting up with it. I've convinced him to quit his job at the end of the year to focus on himself. Between savings and my income, we'll be fine financially. I need him to get better. Fingers crossed it will help and not make things worse.

How did you convince him? Mine claims he would be even worse out without the focus of work which makes me want to scream that that’s all the more reason he needs more help

He has had physical illnesses too. Nothing life threatening but threatening to quality of life if not addressed. So I think that was the key. And that both of his parents had the same mental issues, so it wasn't far fetched to see himself following in their unfortunate footsteps. I am not qualified to deal with his depression and anxiety, but I have a tentative agreement from him to begin treatment next year too. It's a lot to think about but one step at a time.

You only have a tentative agreement that he will agree to treatment after he leaves his job? And he’s refusing to seek treatment prior to quitting?? That feels like an unstable house of cards to build a plan on. If he’s without the structure of a job and continues to refuse treatment, what will you do then? It’s essential to have a backup plan, and think through every angle ahead of time, although it does not sound like he is currently in a place to participate in that planning. I would honestly work with a counselor, for YOU, starting now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Life circumstances matter. So if they change as someone gets older, their mental health may as well. My brother had a stable, although not perfect life up until our dad died. He had some anxiety but it was managed. Unbeknownst to us, our dad was his rock. My brother's mental health fell apart after that. He broke up with a long term, wonderful girlfriend, hooked up with a woman who has borderline personality disorder, got arrested for DV, tried to kill himself, ended up involuntarily committed where they diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. He was in his 40s. Mental health is complex.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with anxiety and am getting a divorce. I think the reality is that my husband and the dynamics of our marriage was detrimental to my mental health. We will be much better parents to our kids separate than together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Yes correct.
They can only focus on themselves and their immediate needs.
Meanwhile their mother or nanny usually did everything for them and the household growing up. They just focused on getting good grades, a job and then society says get married.

But they cannot or will not see or fulfill the needs of other people or things.
They are not healthy or functional enough to do that, and the output of unmanaged symptoms plus normal adult expectations (from the wife now, for her, the kids as the houses sake) cause them to stim, stonewall, explode on an increasingly frequent basis. They need professional help or they need to exit and go back to their simple life alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Mental illness of XW occurred when she was 45. Not uncommon as a result of perimenopause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Mental illness of XW occurred when she was 45. Not uncommon as a result of perimenopause.

Severe mental illness is not a common symptom of menopause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Sometimes people develop illnesses, mental or physical later in life.

Sometimes people can manage until stress reaches a certain point, in my DH's case, he never recovered from the death of one of our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but my DH retreats at least 1x month, probably more, meaning he holes himself up for a period of time (sometimes a few days, sometimes only one day). I think of it as going into his dark place. During these times he barely talks to us, and if he had any "dad" responsibilities (like driving a kid to a sports practice or something), he just sends me a text saying something to the effect of "I'm not available anymore for this." He's missed major holidays, birthdays, plus the kids have had to miss smaller events like an already planned playdate that they were excited about it.

If I were to call him out on it he would absolutely blow up, like literally explode, and somehow say the situation was my fault. When he's not in his dark place, he is wonderful. I take it in stride and try to handle it the best I can. There are times that it can be hard for both me and the kids, but over the years I've gotten more used to it, and have accepted that it's totally out of my control. It also breaks my heart that he has these episodes in the first place, they must be miserable for him (he was not like this when we were first married, maybe started 11 or 12 years in). I miss the old DH.

A friend's DH is like this, he has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses meds. Educate yourself re: signs, your kids will be more at risk. Sorry, it has really taken a toll on my friend esp the unpredictability

What's described in the OP doesn't sound like bipolar, sounds like something else.

I don't know OP's DH, but in reference to my friend's DH, he has a very high level professional job, can be great but at times he has a very edgy temper, for ex he has made them leave the house for the day so he can be alone or has taken to his bed for several days at a time. If he was not a money maker I can't imagine most employers tolerating it. Sounded similar to OP to me, but, who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Mental illness of XW occurred when she was 45. Not uncommon as a result of perimenopause.

This makes no sense at all. Menopause does not cause mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Mental illness of XW occurred when she was 45. Not uncommon as a result of perimenopause.

This makes no sense at all. Menopause does not cause mental illness.

Perimenopause can absolutely trigger severe depression and other symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that these people are able with severe mental ill Ed’s are able to hold it together until well after launching a career, marriage, kids, etc. Isn’t the onset of most mental illness in young adulthood? Or perhaps after so many years masked and untreated, it explodes in the 30s-40s?

Their condition gets worse. My mother had severe anxiety when I was small, which progressed to paranoia, which progressed to delusions. It was rough. I don’t know how the non-mentally ill parent is supposed to deal. On her own my mother had atrocious judgment and couldn’t take care of another person.