Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

You are right that your daughter does not and should not have to hang out with this girl just because you are friends with her mom. However, it sounds like she is old enough to know how to decline in a polite and kind way vs. how she did. I would meet with the mom once, explain that you are disappointed with how your daughter handled it, but that the kids can't be forced to be friends, just polite and kind. I doubt it will fix the friendship with her mom, but it is still worth doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right that your daughter does not and should not have to hang out with this girl just because you are friends with her mom. However, it sounds like she is old enough to know how to decline in a polite and kind way vs. how she did. I would meet with the mom once, explain that you are disappointed with how your daughter handled it, but that the kids can't be forced to be friends, just polite and kind. I doubt it will fix the friendship with her mom, but it is still worth doing.

+1

As a teen, I expected that my mom wouldn't pick fights with my friends' parents because that could have blowback on my friendships. I don't care if they disagreed about PTA initiatives, I expected her to play nice.

You should expect the same of your daughter. You are friends with the mom. She needs to be kind to the daughter. They don't have to be besties, but she needs to put in some effort.

You should be mad at your daughter. It's not okay for her to be mean to a family friend, even if she doesn't really like the girl. She needs to find a way to at least be friendly and kind.

[Anonymous]

Lol OP let me get this straight: you think your daughter should be able to exclude / drop a friend she’s had years of history with, without repercussions……but you also think your mom friend group with whom you have the exact same amount of history should NOT be able to drop / move on from you? Hmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are right that your daughter does not and should not have to hang out with this girl just because you are friends with her mom. However, it sounds like she is old enough to know how to decline in a polite and kind way vs. how she did. I would meet with the mom once, explain that you are disappointed with how your daughter handled it, but that the kids can't be forced to be friends, just polite and kind. I doubt it will fix the friendship with her mom, but it is still worth doing.

+1

As a teen, I expected that my mom wouldn't pick fights with my friends' parents because that could have blowback on my friendships. I don't care if they disagreed about PTA initiatives, I expected her to play nice.

You should expect the same of your daughter. You are friends with the mom. She needs to be kind to the daughter. They don't have to be besties, but she needs to put in some effort.

You should be mad at your daughter. It's not okay for her to be mean to a family friend, even if she doesn't really like the girl. She needs to find a way to at least be friendly and kind.

+2 your daughter is in the wrong here, and teaching her that acting that way towards a long time family friend is acceptable is both a) not doing her any favors and b) signing off on raising a mean girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol OP let me get this straight: you think your daughter should be able to exclude / drop a friend she’s had years of history with, without repercussions……but you also think your mom friend group with whom you have the exact same amount of history should NOT be able to drop / move on from you? Hmm.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone needs to move on. This girl wants to change friend groups and that is painful for the rejected group. Happens all the time. The mom friendship will not survive the rejection in my experience.

+1

Been through this with boys and girls, different ages and stages, OP. IME, this is normal. Let your daughter move on. It does seem that some moms (usually moms - but once in a while dads, usually egged on by the female partner) tend to internalize and project their childhood experiences, and seem to take it harder than their own children, when a friend moves on. It is not bullying to move on, as long as everyone tries to remain neutral and kind. The ability to make new friends is a crucial part of growing - for children AND adults!

Also, and this is true especially in the high school years, be aware that "girl moms" can sometimes be overly involved, up to and including socially engineering who hangs out with whom. I have seen it, and it seems to be an unspoken thing that happens. Not always, just be aware. Of course, the parent who are overly involved in that sort of thing would never admit it, so there really is no use in having a discussion. Plus, it is so much better, in the long run, for kids to navigate on their own. It is an essential life skill.

[Anonymous]

I mean, put yourself in this mom’s shoes. Say it’s your daughter who is suddenly being rudely excluded by someone she’s been close friends with for 8 years, and she’s feeling upset / betrayed / hurt. Of course it’s going to bleed over….I’m not saying they need to be besties, but I also would not have interest in remaining close with a mom who taught her daughter that was an acceptable way to treat someone she has been friends with for years.

You do not have to be BFFs with everyone, but I’ve always told my kids you can never have too many friends - it’s a realization I came to after middle school myself, and it’s served me very well ever since

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, put yourself in this mom’s shoes. Say it’s your daughter who is suddenly being rudely excluded by someone she’s been close friends with for 8 years, and she’s feeling upset / betrayed / hurt. Of course it’s going to bleed over….I’m not saying they need to be besties, but I also would not have interest in remaining close with a mom who taught her daughter that was an acceptable way to treat someone she has been friends with for years.

You do not have to be BFFs with everyone, but I’ve always told my kids you can never have too many friends - it’s a realization I came to after middle school myself, and it’s served me very well ever since

Other PP here. IME, it says more about the moms than the girls, because if the girls can not be civil, even though they are no longer close friends, the moms should be sending a more positive message to their child to do so. The message should not be exclusion or ignoring, but being civil, even though they do not hang out together any more. It seems to trickle down, because they learn being mean somewhere, so it comes from home (usually a big sister or big brother).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, put yourself in this mom’s shoes. Say it’s your daughter who is suddenly being rudely excluded by someone she’s been close friends with for 8 years, and she’s feeling upset / betrayed / hurt. Of course it’s going to bleed over….I’m not saying they need to be besties, but I also would not have interest in remaining close with a mom who taught her daughter that was an acceptable way to treat someone she has been friends with for years.

You do not have to be BFFs with everyone, but I’ve always told my kids you can never have too many friends - it’s a realization I came to after middle school myself, and it’s served me very well ever since

Other PP here. IME, it says more about the moms than the girls, because if the girls can not be civil, even though they are no longer close friends, the moms should be sending a more positive message to their child to do so. The message should not be exclusion or ignoring, but being civil, even though they do not hang out together any more. It seems to trickle down, because they learn being mean somewhere, so it comes from home (usually a big sister or big brother).

The other mom in this scenario is definitely teaching her kid to be a whiner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, put yourself in this mom’s shoes. Say it’s your daughter who is suddenly being rudely excluded by someone she’s been close friends with for 8 years, and she’s feeling upset / betrayed / hurt. Of course it’s going to bleed over….I’m not saying they need to be besties, but I also would not have interest in remaining close with a mom who taught her daughter that was an acceptable way to treat someone she has been friends with for years.

You do not have to be BFFs with everyone, but I’ve always told my kids you can never have too many friends - it’s a realization I came to after middle school myself, and it’s served me very well ever since

Other PP here. IME, it says more about the moms than the girls, because if the girls can not be civil, even though they are no longer close friends, the moms should be sending a more positive message to their child to do so. The message should not be exclusion or ignoring, but being civil, even though they do not hang out together any more. It seems to trickle down, because they learn being mean somewhere, so it comes from home (usually a big sister or big brother).

The other mom in this scenario is definitely teaching her kid to be a whiner.

Meh, OP doesn't mind the behavior unless she's on the receiving end of it. Now she's whining that it's blowing up her friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, put yourself in this mom’s shoes. Say it’s your daughter who is suddenly being rudely excluded by someone she’s been close friends with for 8 years, and she’s feeling upset / betrayed / hurt. Of course it’s going to bleed over….I’m not saying they need to be besties, but I also would not have interest in remaining close with a mom who taught her daughter that was an acceptable way to treat someone she has been friends with for years.

You do not have to be BFFs with everyone, but I’ve always told my kids you can never have too many friends - it’s a realization I came to after middle school myself, and it’s served me very well ever since

Other PP here. IME, it says more about the moms than the girls, because if the girls can not be civil, even though they are no longer close friends, the moms should be sending a more positive message to their child to do so. The message should not be exclusion or ignoring, but being civil, even though they do not hang out together any more. It seems to trickle down, because they learn being mean somewhere, so it comes from home (usually a big sister or big brother).

The other mom in this scenario is definitely teaching her kid to be a whiner.

Meh, OP doesn't mind the behavior unless she's on the receiving end of it. Now she's whining that it's blowing up her friend group.

Whining on DCUM is different than whining in the group chat, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, put yourself in this mom’s shoes. Say it’s your daughter who is suddenly being rudely excluded by someone she’s been close friends with for 8 years, and she’s feeling upset / betrayed / hurt. Of course it’s going to bleed over….I’m not saying they need to be besties, but I also would not have interest in remaining close with a mom who taught her daughter that was an acceptable way to treat someone she has been friends with for years.

You do not have to be BFFs with everyone, but I’ve always told my kids you can never have too many friends - it’s a realization I came to after middle school myself, and it’s served me very well ever since

Other PP here. IME, it says more about the moms than the girls, because if the girls can not be civil, even though they are no longer close friends, the moms should be sending a more positive message to their child to do so. The message should not be exclusion or ignoring, but being civil, even though they do not hang out together any more. It seems to trickle down, because they learn being mean somewhere, so it comes from home (usually a big sister or big brother).

The other mom in this scenario is definitely teaching her kid to be a whiner.

And now OP is a whiner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, put yourself in this mom’s shoes. Say it’s your daughter who is suddenly being rudely excluded by someone she’s been close friends with for 8 years, and she’s feeling upset / betrayed / hurt. Of course it’s going to bleed over….I’m not saying they need to be besties, but I also would not have interest in remaining close with a mom who taught her daughter that was an acceptable way to treat someone she has been friends with for years.

You do not have to be BFFs with everyone, but I’ve always told my kids you can never have too many friends - it’s a realization I came to after middle school myself, and it’s served me very well ever since

Other PP here. IME, it says more about the moms than the girls, because if the girls can not be civil, even though they are no longer close friends, the moms should be sending a more positive message to their child to do so. The message should not be exclusion or ignoring, but being civil, even though they do not hang out together any more. It seems to trickle down, because they learn being mean somewhere, so it comes from home (usually a big sister or big brother).

The other mom in this scenario is definitely teaching her kid to be a whiner.

Meh, OP doesn't mind the behavior unless she's on the receiving end of it. Now she's whining that it's blowing up her friend group.

Whining on DCUM is different than whining in the group chat, though.

Oh we are not the only ones hearing her story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right that your daughter does not and should not have to hang out with this girl just because you are friends with her mom. However, it sounds like she is old enough to know how to decline in a polite and kind way vs. how she did. I would meet with the mom once, explain that you are disappointed with how your daughter handled it, but that the kids can't be forced to be friends, just polite and kind. I doubt it will fix the friendship with her mom, but it is still worth doing.

+1. If a good friend asked me to go out and have a drink to discuss something, I would. Even if it was going to be an uncomfortable conversation. OP's daughter is a mean girl. The other girl needs to learn to move on and not care about popularity.

[Anonymous]

Just came here to say after reading this thread I think there is waaay too much shade being thrown at the OP. It almost seems like there is one or two posters who are posting repeatedly and exaggerating or purposely twisting what the OP said.

OP - your daughter is allowed to drift from friends and all these people know it. I would like to meet the person who has stayed friends with every single person they ever hung out with as kids and in high school. You already said you talked to her about a kinder way to distance herself. The fact that the other girl is being SO dramatic and the mom is jumping in is strange to me. It's not like your daughter went off on her, tried to have other people not like her, said overtly mean things, etc. etc.

I'm sorry this is happening, it is a tough situation and one that I've been in. MY DD has a best friend for several years who just started to be a jerk to her. The mom was, (and still is) a good friend. We met had lunch and just agreed that the girls have become different people and do better apart. Done. We all still see each other, and the girls are always polite to each other. They recognize they just are such different people (both girls aged 15 now). It can be done, but it takes 2 reasonable adults.... If you don't have that there may be no way to solve this. Stay above the fray with your mutual friends and just carry on with your lives.