Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Everyone needs to move on. This girl wants to change friend groups and that is painful for the rejected group. Happens all the time. The mom friendship will not survive the rejection in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

Do you also believe that decline to date someone is bullying?

The girl isn't a service provider, she's entitled to choose her friends.

You don't understand "social exclusion".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why should girls like OP not face repercussions for their actions? I say good. Let her feel how much it hurts. Maybe she'll be kinder next time.

OP's DD isn't facing any repercussions - it is OP herself who is facing repercussions from the other girl's mom. OP's DD is fine.

Sorry, OP, but it sounds like your friendship with the other girl's mom might not survive. No big loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social exclusion is absolutely considered bullying.

Do you also believe that decline to date someone is bullying?

The girl isn't a service provider, she's entitled to choose her friends.

I was just replying to this part: "But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding."
OPs own words are showing that she was bullying. And she follows up with she was unkind, doesnt like her, etc. It definitely sounds like a mean girl bullying the artsy nerd.

Yes people can choose their own friends, doesnt mean they have to be dicks about it. That makes them a bully.

Maybe the exclusionary types like to find each other and do that thing. Ultimately, it sounds like these two fo not belong in the same friend group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should girls like OP not face repercussions for their actions? I say good. Let her feel how much it hurts. Maybe she'll be kinder next time.

OP's DD isn't facing any repercussions - it is OP herself who is facing repercussions from the other girl's mom. OP's DD is fine.

Sorry, OP, but it sounds like your friendship with the other girl's mom might not survive. No big loss.

They why did OP say this: but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions

What are the repercussions? She's been mean and rude and deserves the blowback.

[Anonymous]

Are all six girls drifting a part a bit? Or is this a case where your DD is still close to the group but excluding / doesn't like just one girl?

This is the teen forum but this sounds like tween behavior for a group that known each other since K - what grade are they going into?

It's weird that the other mom brought up your DD's texts to the mom group. Since you guys are so tight, though, I can't see any reason why you wouldn't meet up with her.

If this is the kind of thing where her daughter is suddenly feeling excluded from life-long friends then yeah, you may need to be involved a bit.

If the whole group is drifting apart and you'd already talked to DD about her text behavior, likely you can let this pass and not stay involved.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line, your daughter hurt arty girl’s feelings. She needs to apologize in person ASAP. Teach your DD another way to get out of a situation without being hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I am the mom of a very artsy, creative teen who was dropped by several “cooler,” sportier girls, some of whose mothers are also my friends. Being on the other side of this, I really think moms need to back off and let the kids work it out. Yes, feelings get hurt and it’s very hard to go through, but intervening is not going to help. They’ll discover what THEY want out of their friendships, not what their moms want them to want. Forcing kids to include others that they don’t want around just makes it so painful and awkward for everyone.

The schools mine go to or have gone to don’t think someone’s cool because of the activities they pursue. The “cool” group are a bunch of kids who hang out together usually because they have excellent social skills, they are into boyfriends/girlfriends earlier than most and usually start drinking and having mixed parties before anyone else. Based on my experience the mean spirited girls are egged on my crazy mothers who obsess about popularity. There was one girl, chubby, unattractive, no outside interests but she was very popular because her mother orchestrated basement parties in their huge house, alcohol allowed. Crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should girls like OP not face repercussions for their actions? I say good. Let her feel how much it hurts. Maybe she'll be kinder next time.

OP's DD isn't facing any repercussions - it is OP herself who is facing repercussions from the other girl's mom. OP's DD is fine.

Sorry, OP, but it sounds like your friendship with the other girl's mom might not survive. No big loss.

They why did OP say this: but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions

What are the repercussions? She's been mean and rude and deserves the blowback.

Nobody ends relationships without consequences. That's part of life. OP is trying to protect her daughter from consequences.

when you are mean to a person, there are consequences... also in the new water is wet.
If you try to leave a relationship in a kind way, there still may be consequences (if you are not a sociopath) but it should be less.

[Anonymous]

Here’s my problem with OP and her first post.

In describing what happened, she threw in this sentence:

“However, my DD is seen as a ‘cool’ girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative.”

It was completely unnecessary to do that. Has she not included that sentence, this is how that same paragraph would have read:

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to ‘drop’ and bully her child.”

Why did OP have to share that her daughter is a “cool” girl? What does that add to the equation? Absolutely nothing.

OP has a mean girl and is proud of it. That’s what’s going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my problem with OP and her first post.

In describing what happened, she threw in this sentence:

“However, my DD is seen as a ‘cool’ girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative.”

It was completely unnecessary to do that. Has she not included that sentence, this is how that same paragraph would have read:

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to ‘drop’ and bully her child.”

Why did OP have to share that her daughter is a “cool” girl? What does that add to the equation? Absolutely nothing.

OP has a mean girl and is proud of it. That’s what’s going on here.

Agree with this. Of course the other friend wants to hang out with the cool girl, I mean, who wouldn't? But OP's daughter can only handle so many friends, and can exclude the ones she doesn't want to hang out with. So what if she was an ass over text about it? Except OPs daughter wasn't savvy enough to know that other people may see her texts. Hopefully she learns a valuable lesson to not be a jerk and not say things over text that can be shared and come back to bite her.

[Anonymous]

Is your DD in middle school where she found her sporty persona?

Make sure she's good enough to make the team in HS or the sporty teammates will drop her. And since she's already burned some other bridges...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope my real friends (not "our kids know each other so we're a tight mom clique" friends) will punch me in the throat if I ever tell a story about how cool my DD has become that hinges on everyone agreeing with my definition of the difference between exclusionary and bullying.

I hope my real friends punch me in the throat if I start bellyaching in the group chat about how my kid has no resilience and start begging for head pats for raising a loser.

[Anonymous]

My DD15 made a new friend the old group didn’t like. They told her they did not want new friend hanging out with them. DD said okay that’s fine I will just hang out with her separately. Now the old group is acting like DD “chose” this friend over them when they are the ones who drew the line and DD was happy to honor their wishes not to include this girl. Now it’s totally clear that they are hanging out without DD and the moms clearly have a new chat that I’m not on any longer.

I effing hate women and this is why I don’t have any friends. I can’t with this BS.

[Anonymous]

The reality is your friends group can stop being friends with you for any reason they want, and the reason might be that your daughter is not all that nice (in their opinion), or maybe their daughters don't really like her anymore and since the friends group was created because of your shared daughters, you are now not part of their group because they have less in common with you.

But you understand, they have no obligation to be your friend forever, right?