Family camping trip is making me question all my parenting choices

[Anonymous]

Have you had her evaluated for autism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Terrible take. She’s an indulged only child. At home they cater everything to her needs and whims but on this trip she didn’t get that and she didn’t like it.

I am a parent of an only child. She was diagnosed with autism as a teen. She didn’t act like this as child, however it is very common for kids on the spectrum or kids with anxiety to act like this. No one here can say what is at play here - other than it’s not normal behavior, your parenting (avoiding meltdowns at all costs) style needs to be adjusted, and you need to seek out a therapist or developmental pediatrician.

Kids having meltdowns about things getting wet, playground being hot, etc etc is normal. It’s not always autism or whatever people on here try to throw around. Your child is fine. Don’t let these weirdos cause you to have an anxiety disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man, my 4yo struggled on a recent camping trip and I thought it was disrupted sleep and being out of a routine but sounds like I should be getting an evaluation for adhd, autism, etc. it’s really hard to know what behavior is within the realm of “normal” at this age.

People are aren’t suggesting neurodivergence only because of the camping trip. It’s the difficulty on the trip plus the other behaviors OP described outside of the trip (rigidity, strong-willed, sensory issues, etc,).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Terrible take. She’s an indulged only child. At home they cater everything to her needs and whims but on this trip she didn’t get that and she didn’t like it.

I am a parent of an only child. She was diagnosed with autism as a teen. She didn’t act like this as child, however it is very common for kids on the spectrum or kids with anxiety to act like this. No one here can say what is at play here - other than it’s not normal behavior, your parenting (avoiding meltdowns at all costs) style needs to be adjusted, and you need to seek out a therapist or developmental pediatrician.

Kids having meltdowns about things getting wet, playground being hot, etc etc is normal. It’s not always autism or whatever people on here try to throw around. Your child is fine. Don’t let these weirdos cause you to have an anxiety disorder.

I’m the poster you responded to. Go back and read what I said: “no one here can tell you what’s at play here.” I can’t make a diagnosis and you most certainly can’t either (telling her this is normal behavior) It’s very obvious you have no experience with neurodivergent/anxious kids and your reading comprehension isn’t very good. Sensory issues (such as not wanting to be wet) or emotional dysregulation (meltdowns) do happen with most kids (as you assert) it’s when the reactions are oversized (the child cannot get over the fact that her favorite underwear were left at home) and impact daily living (OP needing to put clothes in the dryer stop a meltdown) that it becomes behavior that is often explained by anxiety or autism.

[Anonymous]

I’ll just say that being an accommodating parent of a highly sensitive child is not a crime. You don’t know your DD’s full story yet. This is a data point that may indicate some difference in need she’ll always have, or it could be a single nightmare experience that becomes funny in the retelling over many years. Regardless, it’s hard enough for a mom to manage in the context of in-laws and a campground. I’d suggest avoiding the self judgement overlay here and being very very kind to yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Terrible take. She’s an indulged only child. At home they cater everything to her needs and whims but on this trip she didn’t get that and she didn’t like it.

PP you replied to. The indulged child scenario would really be the best case one, people. I did not address it because PPs had already done so. I am addressing the other possibility - the one where parents are FORCED to indulge an inflexible child's demands because otherwise the child will sabotage all outings, and all activities, due to their particular mental make-up. That profile is an autistic one. Parents in that scenario are unfairly blamed by people like you, and on top of struggling to find help, they are also shamed by their community. It can lead to a delay in diagnosis, since people around them distract them with another option, and it lead to child abuse, when the frantic parent, desperate to "control their child", as their relatives or friends or teachers demand, start implementing extreme measures to ensure compliance. And it alienates autistic children even further in the process.

I wish I didn't know all this, PP. You're lucky, and other posters are lucky, that you can just gaily zero in on "oh, you're just a lax parent, get your act together!". Because some parents try that for years and then realize their child has autism. And all the while you're on your merry way, judging all the parents of children with special needs.

Lucky you.

Well said.
My 4- year old DD with ASD is exactly like this, and we are likely trending towards an ADHD diagnosis too.

Big hugs to both of these PPs and solidarity, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're on a weekend camping trip with DH's family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and my 4-year-old is not handling it well. At all. Like, tantrum about not being able to wear a specific pair of underwear we left at home-level not handling it. I am seriously the one with that kid who is screaming in a campground because her bathing suit got a little wet. The bouncy-house slide has a sprinkler, which is scary, but the playground is hot, because it's summertime. She won't wear shoes because it's fun to go barefoot except the rocks hurt her feet OH MY GOD DO NOT TRY TO PUT SHOES ON ME. Meanwhile her cousins are playing on the bouncy slide and playground and having fun like normal kids on a fun camping trip.

Have I just indulged her and catered to her needs too much? She's always been very strong-willed and super-sensitive to changes in her schedule/routine and so we've always been strict with mealtimes, nap/bedtimes, etc so we don't get into meltdown territory, even (especially!) while traveling. On this trip we're totally off her normal schedule, but I feel like at 4 she should be able to handle a little more flexibility. She's also always been incredible specific about her clothing so we've let her pick her own clothes for the last year or so and she's so inflexible about it that she can't handle any suggestions about what she wears, or if it's weather-appropriate, or what the best shoes would be or whatever. If she picks out an outfit for the day she will NOT change it, ever, for any reason. But she also can't stand it when her clothes get wet or dirty and so at home we just run them through the dryer so she can put them back on (but of course we don't have a dryer while camping). Anyways, this trip is just highlighting how incapable of being flexible this kid is and I'm wondering if our efforts to let her make her so many of her own choices have backfired. Maybe we just need to lay some more boundaries down about clothing?? Disrupt her routine more often so she can go with the flow more often?? 4 is so tough! She was difficult at 2 and 3 but these screaming tantrums have been a fun new addition at 4.

Most likely, yes. Did you quit your job for her? Do you spend your entire day with her? Do you have a life outside of her and do things with your husband without her? How does she behave with a sitter?

If you’re the type of mom whose entire life is watching this kid and you don’t even get away for date nights, then you have your answer.

Anecdotally the kids I know who act like this have mothers who have no life outside of their kid and act like they work for the child.

Good luck. I’d suggest a weekend away with your spouse without your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Terrible take. She’s an indulged only child. At home they cater everything to her needs and whims but on this trip she didn’t get that and she didn’t like it.

[phone]

It’s this. OP got a glimpse of how much easier life is when you don’t revolve your entire life around your kids and create a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, this probably isn’t you exactly - if you had your nieces and nephews and their temperament for your kids they probably would be flexible like they are now, it is their temperament. Your daughter has a more anxious temperament and like others have said basically any parent of an anxious/sensitive child will start making accommodations to get through. The problem is accommodations actually feed the anxiety. That doesn’t mean you aren’t empathic to it, but there are strategies to support them through rather than accommodations. So yes there are probably things you will need to do to help her but it isn’t because you’re a bad parent, it’s just the kid you have!!

LMAO this is what every parent says who didn’t set boundaries, caters to every whim of their kid, and can’t see that they caused the behavior they are now seeing in their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As others have said, this probably isn’t you exactly - if you had your nieces and nephews and their temperament for your kids they probably would be flexible like they are now, it is their temperament. Your daughter has a more anxious temperament and like others have said basically any parent of an anxious/sensitive child will start making accommodations to get through. The problem is accommodations actually feed the anxiety. That doesn’t mean you aren’t empathic to it, but there are strategies to support them through rather than accommodations. So yes there are probably things you will need to do to help her but it isn’t because you’re a bad parent, it’s just the kid you have!!

LMAO this is what every parent says who didn’t set boundaries, caters to every whim of their kid, and can’t see that they caused the behavior they are now seeing in their child.

LMAO this is what every parent says whose children have easy temperaments and has made their "excellent parenting" part of their identity such that it becomes impossible for them to process the basic fact that all children are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be ADHD with her extreme fixation (re: incondolable about clothing) and hyper sensitivity (re: getting a little wet or accidentally dirty).
It can present in a lot of ways and your kid is still young, but it might be so etching to watch for.

Did you talk about the details of the trip prior to going? Talk about there's going to be XYZ instead of ABC. Let's think about how it's different, but still really fun.
We usually show our kids the website of places we're going to - even the street view sometimes (bc that helps me too).
It's helpful to have a visual to re- set expectations.

I thought the same thing. She sounds a little neurospicy (I suspect my 3 year old is too) and you probably are beating yourself up too much for the way your kid just is. Prep helps us a ton but I don’t know what age 4 is like yet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're on a weekend camping trip with DH's family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and my 4-year-old is not handling it well. At all. Like, tantrum about not being able to wear a specific pair of underwear we left at home-level not handling it. I am seriously the one with that kid who is screaming in a campground because her bathing suit got a little wet. The bouncy-house slide has a sprinkler, which is scary, but the playground is hot, because it's summertime. She won't wear shoes because it's fun to go barefoot except the rocks hurt her feet OH MY GOD DO NOT TRY TO PUT SHOES ON ME. Meanwhile her cousins are playing on the bouncy slide and playground and having fun like normal kids on a fun camping trip.

Have I just indulged her and catered to her needs too much? She's always been very strong-willed and super-sensitive to changes in her schedule/routine and so we've always been strict with mealtimes, nap/bedtimes, etc so we don't get into meltdown territory, even (especially!) while traveling. On this trip we're totally off her normal schedule, but I feel like at 4 she should be able to handle a little more flexibility. She's also always been incredible specific about her clothing so we've let her pick her own clothes for the last year or so and she's so inflexible about it that she can't handle any suggestions about what she wears, or if it's weather-appropriate, or what the best shoes would be or whatever. If she picks out an outfit for the day she will NOT change it, ever, for any reason. But she also can't stand it when her clothes get wet or dirty and so at home we just run them through the dryer so she can put them back on (but of course we don't have a dryer while camping). Anyways, this trip is just highlighting how incapable of being flexible this kid is and I'm wondering if our efforts to let her make her so many of her own choices have backfired. Maybe we just need to lay some more boundaries down about clothing?? Disrupt her routine more often so she can go with the flow more often?? 4 is so tough! She was difficult at 2 and 3 but these screaming tantrums have been a fun new addition at 4.

OP, it sounds like you’re a little embarrassed of your daughter’s behavior. If that’s the case (and it was for me in similar situations) that is coming through as you deal with her and it’s making it a million times worse. Maybe you feel judged by your in-laws, or at least, lacking in some way bc your child is the only one crying. Try to step away and ask your DH to deal with her in any fraught moments. He probably cares less what that giant group of campers thinks of him, and will be able to deal with her wo the guilt and shame and embarrassment.

I would guess- sensitive kid (I don’t know about a formal diagnosis… I had one who was super sensitive about her clothes and she is absolutely not on the spectrum or whatever…) PLUS a little coddling PLUS disrupted weird sleep PLUS tense extended family dynamics- for the kids and the adults PLUS you’re embarrassed/ashamed of her behavior and comparing it negatively to the other kids. And all that EQUALS a terrible time for all!

I’m sorry, OP. You’ll get through this and so will she. Get DH in there to help out and go have a beer by the campfire!

[Anonymous]

It's July, it's very uncomfortably humid. I, at age 38, would be very unhappy camping right now. I'm sorry it's not going smoothly, but who on earth wants to camp in July?

[Anonymous]

I would cry and have tantrums if I went camping in this disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be ADHD with her extreme fixation (re: incondolable about clothing) and hyper sensitivity (re: getting a little wet or accidentally dirty).
It can present in a lot of ways and your kid is still young, but it might be so etching to watch for.

Did you talk about the details of the trip prior to going? Talk about there's going to be XYZ instead of ABC. Let's think about how it's different, but still really fun.
We usually show our kids the website of places we're going to - even the street view sometimes (bc that helps me too).
It's helpful to have a visual to re- set expectations.

I thought the same thing. She sounds a little neurospicy (I suspect my 3 year old is too) and you probably are beating yourself up too much for the way your kid just is. Prep helps us a ton but I don’t know what age 4 is like yet!

My kid is on the spectrum. I love this - neurospicy. You really do need a sense of humor to deal with some of the quirks!