Family camping trip is making me question all my parenting choices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty easygoing but I do agree with Pps that routinely drying clothes for her in the middle of the day drifts into the unhelpful accommodation zone. Try the Liebowitz book, see if it rings true to you.

+1 This is a bad parenting choice and gives kids the wrong impression that their unrealistic needs will be easily catered to.
The others sound like typical toddler tantrums (e.g. only wanting to wear certain clothes even if weather inappropriate), just ignore most and go with the flow.

[Anonymous]

This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Terrible take. She’s an indulged only child. At home they cater everything to her needs and whims but on this trip she didn’t get that and she didn’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Terrible take. She’s an indulged only child. At home they cater everything to her needs and whims but on this trip she didn’t get that and she didn’t like it.

PP you replied to. The indulged child scenario would really be the best case one, people. I did not address it because PPs had already done so. I am addressing the other possibility - the one where parents are FORCED to indulge an inflexible child's demands because otherwise the child will sabotage all outings, and all activities, due to their particular mental make-up. That profile is an autistic one. Parents in that scenario are unfairly blamed by people like you, and on top of struggling to find help, they are also shamed by their community. It can lead to a delay in diagnosis, since people around them distract them with another option, and it lead to child abuse, when the frantic parent, desperate to "control their child", as their relatives or friends or teachers demand, start implementing extreme measures to ensure compliance. And it alienates autistic children even further in the process.

I wish I didn't know all this, PP. You're lucky, and other posters are lucky, that you can just gaily zero in on "oh, you're just a lax parent, get your act together!". Because some parents try that for years and then realize their child has autism. And all the while you're on your merry way, judging all the parents of children with special needs.

Lucky you.

[Anonymous]

IME strong -willed and/or sensitive temperament is something people are born with, and may at the more extreme be anxiety or autism that needs more focused treatment.

Regardless it's not something you did to create it but need to be learn more effective parenting techniques for this particular child's needs. And even doing everything right it may take a long time for the child to be able to cope better with change.

Parents lucky to have gotten an easy-going child often think it's their superior parenting when it's just temperament and they've never really been challenged to have to learn different approaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Terrible take. She’s an indulged only child. At home they cater everything to her needs and whims but on this trip she didn’t get that and she didn’t like it.

OP's child is exactly like my oldest, and very far from an indulged only child. She has anxiety and ADHD and I wouldn't be surprised if we get an ASD dx at some point. How old are you?

[Anonymous]

People are criticizing you for running her clothes through the dryer at home, and I agree I probably wouldn’t do that, but as a parent of a kid with ASD I will also say that the reason parents do things like that is not to be coddling but because their kid is so intense and difficult and reactive that *not* drying the clothes leads to endless angst the child can’t move on from. So it may be “something you’re doing” but the root cause is who she is. You are probably responding reasonably to the kid you have. I agree also you might want an evaluation. These are all flags for various issues.

[Anonymous]

Yes I think you have been to indulgent. Sometimes you have to let the tantrum happen. Do not give in and do not indulge it. Yes it sucks but they need to learn boundaries and how to control their emotions. I have a stubborn kid but unfortunately for her she got stubborn parents. You should also know that it sometimes sucks traveling with young kids. They get tired and cranky and even flexible kids have a limit to how much they can handle. But you should not be drying your kids clothes in the middle of the day or allowing them to not be dressed appropriately for the weather or conditions. Are you still planning to be tiptoeing around your daughter when she's 10? 15? 20? If the answer is no, then stop it now.

[Anonymous]

First, do not judge your parenting based on the behavior of other people's children; different kids have different personalities and needs. You are parenting the unique child you have, and she comes with her own set of needs and issues. Turn off the noisy criticism.

As to your primary question, this can be a chicken or egg situation: is she having trouble with transitions because you indulge her, or are your parenting choices accommodating her innate challenges and actual needs?

If your child turns out to have a developmental difference like ADHD or ASD or even just a particularly difficult personality, then the latter is the case. Every parent is challenged to figure out each individual child, what makes them tick, what helps them navigate this world, and the answer is not always the same for each kid, even within a family. If the usual parenting advice is not working with this kid, i.e., the same rules and consequences that other parents use fail time and again with your kid, then chances are good that your kid has different needs. And special needs kids require a PhD in parenting that parents of typical kids will never require or acquire. Some kids really are harder to parent than others, so you will have more work ahead of you, add you can succeed in teaching your child to navigate this world.

On the other hand, if you've never used rules and consequences that other parents typically use, then a good starting place is to get a book or take a class and give it a try.

So, I'd say, cut yourself some slack and recognize that your parenting is most likely in response to the child you have. Read some books like "Your Spirited Child," "1-2-3 Magic" or whatever is popular these days, while you get an appointment with a developmental pediatrician, and if all checks out fine, join some PEP-type parenting classes to help you find a way to help this child navigate her world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is very clearly anxiety, but at such a high level, and demonstrated for so long (prior to the trip) that I would request an evaluation from a developmental pediatrician, OP.

Inflexibility and anxiety are red flags for autism. Please don't be scared by that diagnosis! I have lots of high-functioning autistic people in my family, and around me. The adults are successful individuals with families, and the kids I know, including my own, are good students with perfectly fine career potential.

But it takes a lot more parenting to get them to that point, and that's why you need professional help and services. Bear in mind that you will probably face a diagnosis of anxiety, first, since that it the most obvious symptom. High-functioning autism can take years to diagnose.

Good luck. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Terrible take. She’s an indulged only child. At home they cater everything to her needs and whims but on this trip she didn’t get that and she didn’t like it.

Why not both?

[Anonymous]

OP one thing I am learning to detangle for myself is that:

“You’re too indulgent and the child is spoiled” isn’t really helpful.

But “your child may be anxious and the accommodations you’re providing to avoid meltdowns can make the problem worse in the long run” might be true.

And the behaviors involved overlap. The solutions are different. Your child doesn’t need a spanking. Your child might need you to remove some of these accommodations and learn in order to learn to live through their painful emotions, and you can support them while they do that in other ways without feeling like you’re a failure because the painful emotions are happening.

[Anonymous]

Tbh this sounds like my kid growing up — sensitive to certain things, having a tough time with things other kids are just doing, etc, and she was later diagnosed with (mild) autism. I would consider testing, it would have helped us find effective solutions for her anxiety to know earlier rather that when she was 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds quite precocious. Since she’s realized at, the tender age of four, that camping stinks.

+1 nothing wrong with your kid. Camping sucks.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, this probably isn’t you exactly - if you had your nieces and nephews and their temperament for your kids they probably would be flexible like they are now, it is their temperament. Your daughter has a more anxious temperament and like others have said basically any parent of an anxious/sensitive child will start making accommodations to get through. The problem is accommodations actually feed the anxiety. That doesn’t mean you aren’t empathic to it, but there are strategies to support them through rather than accommodations. So yes there are probably things you will need to do to help her but it isn’t because you’re a bad parent, it’s just the kid you have!!

[Anonymous]

After my first child, I would have said maybe you should think about parenting a little differently to encourage flexibility, etc. After my second child, I realized that most of what you describe is just hard-wired.

I also believe that most of our weaknesses are also our strengths. Try to find the positive aspect of those hard-wired traits.

Maturity will also help, so hang in there!