Family camping trip is making me question all my parenting choices

[Anonymous]

We're on a weekend camping trip with DH's family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and my 4-year-old is not handling it well. At all. Like, tantrum about not being able to wear a specific pair of underwear we left at home-level not handling it. I am seriously the one with that kid who is screaming in a campground because her bathing suit got a little wet. The bouncy-house slide has a sprinkler, which is scary, but the playground is hot, because it's summertime. She won't wear shoes because it's fun to go barefoot except the rocks hurt her feet OH MY GOD DO NOT TRY TO PUT SHOES ON ME. Meanwhile her cousins are playing on the bouncy slide and playground and having fun like normal kids on a fun camping trip.

Have I just indulged her and catered to her needs too much? She's always been very strong-willed and super-sensitive to changes in her schedule/routine and so we've always been strict with mealtimes, nap/bedtimes, etc so we don't get into meltdown territory, even (especially!) while traveling. On this trip we're totally off her normal schedule, but I feel like at 4 she should be able to handle a little more flexibility. She's also always been incredible specific about her clothing so we've let her pick her own clothes for the last year or so and she's so inflexible about it that she can't handle any suggestions about what she wears, or if it's weather-appropriate, or what the best shoes would be or whatever. If she picks out an outfit for the day she will NOT change it, ever, for any reason. But she also can't stand it when her clothes get wet or dirty and so at home we just run them through the dryer so she can put them back on (but of course we don't have a dryer while camping). Anyways, this trip is just highlighting how incapable of being flexible this kid is and I'm wondering if our efforts to let her make her so many of her own choices have backfired. Maybe we just need to lay some more boundaries down about clothing?? Disrupt her routine more often so she can go with the flow more often?? 4 is so tough! She was difficult at 2 and 3 but these screaming tantrums have been a fun new addition at 4.

[Anonymous]

4 can be a really difficult age. I think it's the time when anything out of the routine can create new challenges, so her rigidity is not unusual. However, it might mean that you need to help her be more flexible, to let things go, to keep an open mind, to try something new, to regulate her emotions better. I'd help give her language for when she's nervous or tired so she doesn't turn to screaming. And, if she does something every problematic, I'd give her a clea rand specific consequence. I'm also not above small bribes as needed to make the trip more pleasant for everyone! It just takes practice.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think anyone gets to five without a few bad trips. Sometimes the travel plans and the development just don’t line up.

That said, I read Eli Liebowitz’s book about parenting children with anxiety and it was helpful for me. Not that I have diagnosed my child or yours with anxiety, but given her family history it just helps me to have the info in my head re: accommodations for rigidity, etc. Like yours, mine can be fearful and fixated.

Little kids, man, they’re just not team players some days. It sucks, but they have no perspective. I’m sorry it made your trip so crappy. There is probably a camping trip coming when they’re 9 where they are so happy and into the Junior Ranger stuff and you can’t believe how wonderful your kid is. But this wasn’t that trip and it’s okay to just acknowledge to yourself that your kid made it suck and try to forget about it.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like me: a child who will grow into an adult who will never, of her own free will, camp.

I don’t think it’s anything you did. People are different, with different tolerances for discomfort and routine change. She is a little more rigid and sensitive, and she probably always will be, but she’ll manage it better as she gets older. She may like camping a little better next time when she knows more about what to expect.

[Anonymous]

I mean, the short answer is yes you’ve let her get too much of her own way. Now you know this though you can try and turn it around.
Let her have a tantrum just don’t give in once you’ve set a boundary. If she knows you’re gonna give in she’ll keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry. We’ve had a lot of really fun trips but we’ve had two that were absolute disasters where I wanted to pack everything up and drive home and just cry. She’s having a tough time. I’d try to lean in to sympathy towards her and giving both of you some grace.

[Anonymous]

Ha! My parents had a disaster trip to Hawaii with me when I was that age. They STILL talk about it and I’m 38! I’m pretty normal now! And turned into a great traveler as a kid. You’re parenting just fine, some trips are just bad.

[Anonymous]

Aspects of your story remind me of my daughter with anxiety which for her manifested in the toddler years as a strong need to control her environment.

The What-to-do series of books was really helpful although your kid might be too young. This is the note to parents from What to Do When You Worry Too Much.

If you are the parent or caregiver of an anxious child, you know what it feels like to be held hostage. So does your child. Children who worry too much are held captive by their fears. They go to great lengths to avoid frightening situations, and ask the same anxiety-based questions over and over again. Yet the answers give them virtually no relief. Parents and caregivers find themselves spending huge amounts of time reassuring, coaxing, accommodating, and doing whatever else they can think of to minimize their child’s distress.

But it doesn’t work. The anxiety remains in control. As you have undoubtedly discovered, simply telling an anxious child to stop worrying doesn’t help at all. Nor does applying adult logic, or allowing your child to avoid feared situations, or offering reassurance every time the fears are expressed.

[Anonymous]

She might be ADHD with her extreme fixation (re: incondolable about clothing) and hyper sensitivity (re: getting a little wet or accidentally dirty).
It can present in a lot of ways and your kid is still young, but it might be so etching to watch for.

Did you talk about the details of the trip prior to going? Talk about there's going to be XYZ instead of ABC. Let's think about how it's different, but still really fun.
We usually show our kids the website of places we're going to - even the street view sometimes (bc that helps me too).
It's helpful to have a visual to re- set expectations.

[Anonymous]

She sounds quite precocious. Since she’s realized at, the tender age of four, that camping stinks.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you’ve indulged her too much. Drying an outfit is ridiculous. Sorry. I know it’s easier in the moment, but she needs to find out what happens if she has to put on another outfit.

Also, she isn’t going to magically be flexible after you’ve fosters such a rigid environment. Your lesson here is to push her out of her comfort zone some at home.

[Anonymous]

Was any part of this trip designed for a 4 year old’s needs or was she just the youngest expected to go along with what the group wanted? My kids would be upset if I promised them a playground and neglected to mention that the playground would be too hot to actually, you know, play on. My guess is she’s acting out because you’re focused on visiting extended family and she can’t get your attention to tell you that this trip isn’t working for her. Are her cousins playing with her or are they much older and not interested? Are her grandparents playing with her or are they more of the children should be seen and not heard variety?

[Anonymous]

I am pretty easygoing but I do agree with Pps that routinely drying clothes for her in the middle of the day drifts into the unhelpful accommodation zone. Try the Liebowitz book, see if it rings true to you.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my dd with anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Modern intensive parenting practices pretty quickly fall into accommodations that feed anxiety. Blame the parenting culture, not yourself, and definitely read the Liebowitz book. It's a very easy trap to fall into.

That said, she sounds like my very intense almost 6 year old, although she keeps it together well in public/school, but has lots of these tendencies at home. Pretty early on, I made her responsible for it. Don't like wet clothes? Ok, go put on a dry outfit.