Unpaid leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would ask. A job is a just a job. If you’re not ready to go back, you should advocate for yourself, whether that means asking for unpaid leave or quitting.

I took maternity leave with every intention of coming back at the end of it, but a combination of PPD, Covid, and difficulty finding childcare led me to quit at the end of it. The place I left was a toxic dump anyway. Do I wish things had worked out differently? Yes, partially because I don’t want to give moms on leave a bad name. But I had to prioritize my own well-being and that of my baby.

Can I ask why you think this gives moms on leave a bad name? I think I understand but want to clarify. It’s so hard that people think this.

PP. I think some people probably think this was my plan all along, to game the system and get paid for several months of not working and then quit. In reality, it was an agonizing decision that I only came to after experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to return to work. But for a lot of reasons, I think some people don’t give parents (usually moms) on leave a lot of grace or benefit of the doubt.

Ha! You knew from the get go that you planned to game the system I've known too many employees like you and burned too many times.

I will give PP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what would happen when she was due to come back from leave, but unfortunately, people like PP do ruin it for the rest of the new parents who need a little more grace in their return to office plans.

No one has ruined anything for anyone except the people posting in this forum about greed and discouraging moms from what they need after baby.

WTH literally no one has told OP to go back to work against her will. No one. She has options - she can quit her job if she doesn’t want to work which is what it sounds like. Most sane people realize employers can’t hold jobs open for moms who don’t want to work.

OP did not say she doesn’t want to work. She said she’s not ready to leave her baby. Which is totally understandable. Some of these comments are literally insane. This country will never move the needle on leave and a better life for parents/families with people like this out there. What a shame.

We absolutely need universal paid maternity leave, but this is a policy decision that probably everyone women posting on this board supports and has very little ability to move the needle on save for calling their reps and demanding change and/or speaking to their company's HR department. Most women tell their boss how much leave they plan to take before going out and then coverage is found accordingly. If OP's dept. found coverage for six months it might not be easy to re-up the coverage for an additional X months while OP takes more time. Add to that OP probably quitting in the end ("I realized I'm not ready to go back after 9 months after all!") and it just feels gross. What many of us are trying to tell her is that it will probably come off as gross to her company and that will treat her accordingly and that given her current stance she may want to seriously consider quitting. OP needs to ask herself what will make her feel ready? Is she OK not feeling ready and going back anyway if she takes a few more months off? I worked for a giant healthcare company previously (healthcare is notorious, ironically, for bad benefits) and I needed to be there for two years before I could get 100% STD. I saved up all my vacation and took 13 weeks with my third. I had this fortune 15 company's corporate secretary tell me that 13 weeks was a lot of time. I see nothing wrong with going against the grain, but it's preferable to say something up front if you plan to take off more time so suitable coverage can be arranged and if your company has a very generous policy it's likely that they'll frown on extensions. I say this after being in Tech with my first two and getting 22 weeks off with both babies -- it's not common to take more than the paid time you are given if it's very generous and it rubs people the wrong way.

The assumption that I didn’t plan for this is inaccurate. Sorry you think this feels gross and glad you had a good experience with your three kids. Might it be possible for someone to feel differently? This is not my first child. I agonized over planning my leave and took every available option so that I could maximize time home with my family. At great sacrifice to my finances, let me add. Every day of life is different, let alone every birthing experience - I’m not ready to leave my baby. How could I have known six months ago what I would feel like today when feelings and emotions change all the time? It’s so sad people, mothers even, can’t have empathy in these situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t respond to all the directions this has gone - but yes, I’m not ready to go back because I don’t want to leave a baby who is totally dependent on me. I didn’t realize that would be so controversial or greedy or whatever else I’ve been called. Yikes.

Thank you to those who have shared their experiences in this situation (which was my ask). I appreciate the insight.

To those judging other moms anonymously on the internet - what’s the point? What do you get from it? I have never understood the more for others means less for me mentality. I’m sorry you all feel that way and hope something causes your opinions to change one day.

I’m sorry PP, people can get really nasty about this particular subject. FWIW as someone who had ppd after the birth of my second I really wish I had stayed home longer before returning to work. Years later I still feel like I didn’t get enough chance to recover.

While I can empathize this OP did not say that she has PPD or PPA or anything similar. She has also been on (presumably) paid leave for six months.

I didn’t share my entire medical history, correct. Your presumption about pay is also incorrect.

Do you have a medical reason to extend your leave or have additional accommodations? How much additional time are you looking for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask. A job is a just a job. If you’re not ready to go back, you should advocate for yourself, whether that means asking for unpaid leave or quitting.

I took maternity leave with every intention of coming back at the end of it, but a combination of PPD, Covid, and difficulty finding childcare led me to quit at the end of it. The place I left was a toxic dump anyway. Do I wish things had worked out differently? Yes, partially because I don’t want to give moms on leave a bad name. But I had to prioritize my own well-being and that of my baby.

Can I ask why you think this gives moms on leave a bad name? I think I understand but want to clarify. It’s so hard that people think this.

PP. I think some people probably think this was my plan all along, to game the system and get paid for several months of not working and then quit. In reality, it was an agonizing decision that I only came to after experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to return to work. But for a lot of reasons, I think some people don’t give parents (usually moms) on leave a lot of grace or benefit of the doubt.

Ha! You knew from the get go that you planned to game the system I've known too many employees like you and burned too many times.

I will give PP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what would happen when she was due to come back from leave, but unfortunately, people like PP do ruin it for the rest of the new parents who need a little more grace in their return to office plans.

No one has ruined anything for anyone except the people posting in this forum about greed and discouraging moms from what they need after baby.

WTH literally no one has told OP to go back to work against her will. No one. She has options - she can quit her job if she doesn’t want to work which is what it sounds like. Most sane people realize employers can’t hold jobs open for moms who don’t want to work.

OP did not say she doesn’t want to work. She said she’s not ready to leave her baby. Which is totally understandable. Some of these comments are literally insane. This country will never move the needle on leave and a better life for parents/families with people like this out there. What a shame.

We absolutely need universal paid maternity leave, but this is a policy decision that probably everyone women posting on this board supports and has very little ability to move the needle on save for calling their reps and demanding change and/or speaking to their company's HR department. Most women tell their boss how much leave they plan to take before going out and then coverage is found accordingly. If OP's dept. found coverage for six months it might not be easy to re-up the coverage for an additional X months while OP takes more time. Add to that OP probably quitting in the end ("I realized I'm not ready to go back after 9 months after all!") and it just feels gross. What many of us are trying to tell her is that it will probably come off as gross to her company and that will treat her accordingly and that given her current stance she may want to seriously consider quitting. OP needs to ask herself what will make her feel ready? Is she OK not feeling ready and going back anyway if she takes a few more months off? I worked for a giant healthcare company previously (healthcare is notorious, ironically, for bad benefits) and I needed to be there for two years before I could get 100% STD. I saved up all my vacation and took 13 weeks with my third. I had this fortune 15 company's corporate secretary tell me that 13 weeks was a lot of time. I see nothing wrong with going against the grain, but it's preferable to say something up front if you plan to take off more time so suitable coverage can be arranged and if your company has a very generous policy it's likely that they'll frown on extensions. I say this after being in Tech with my first two and getting 22 weeks off with both babies -- it's not common to take more than the paid time you are given if it's very generous and it rubs people the wrong way.

The assumption that I didn’t plan for this is inaccurate. Sorry you think this feels gross and glad you had a good experience with your three kids. Might it be possible for someone to feel differently? This is not my first child. I agonized over planning my leave and took every available option so that I could maximize time home with my family. At great sacrifice to my finances, let me add. Every day of life is different, let alone every birthing experience - I’m not ready to leave my baby. How could I have known six months ago what I would feel like today when feelings and emotions change all the time? It’s so sad people, mothers even, can’t have empathy in these situations.

You’re now just playing victim and going against everything you’ve said previously (quote: “most of it was paid.”) And empathy? I don’t think you’re one to talk, calling anyone who sees this as an overreach names and making baseless accusations. My workplace puts a lot of emphasis on good character - if you quit it sounds like it’ll be a win win for you AND them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask. A job is a just a job. If you’re not ready to go back, you should advocate for yourself, whether that means asking for unpaid leave or quitting.

I took maternity leave with every intention of coming back at the end of it, but a combination of PPD, Covid, and difficulty finding childcare led me to quit at the end of it. The place I left was a toxic dump anyway. Do I wish things had worked out differently? Yes, partially because I don’t want to give moms on leave a bad name. But I had to prioritize my own well-being and that of my baby.

Can I ask why you think this gives moms on leave a bad name? I think I understand but want to clarify. It’s so hard that people think this.

PP. I think some people probably think this was my plan all along, to game the system and get paid for several months of not working and then quit. In reality, it was an agonizing decision that I only came to after experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to return to work. But for a lot of reasons, I think some people don’t give parents (usually moms) on leave a lot of grace or benefit of the doubt.

Ha! You knew from the get go that you planned to game the system I've known too many employees like you and burned too many times.

I will give PP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what would happen when she was due to come back from leave, but unfortunately, people like PP do ruin it for the rest of the new parents who need a little more grace in their return to office plans.

No one has ruined anything for anyone except the people posting in this forum about greed and discouraging moms from what they need after baby.

WTH literally no one has told OP to go back to work against her will. No one. She has options - she can quit her job if she doesn’t want to work which is what it sounds like. Most sane people realize employers can’t hold jobs open for moms who don’t want to work.

OP did not say she doesn’t want to work. She said she’s not ready to leave her baby. Which is totally understandable. Some of these comments are literally insane. This country will never move the needle on leave and a better life for parents/families with people like this out there. What a shame.

We absolutely need universal paid maternity leave, but this is a policy decision that probably everyone women posting on this board supports and has very little ability to move the needle on save for calling their reps and demanding change and/or speaking to their company's HR department. Most women tell their boss how much leave they plan to take before going out and then coverage is found accordingly. If OP's dept. found coverage for six months it might not be easy to re-up the coverage for an additional X months while OP takes more time. Add to that OP probably quitting in the end ("I realized I'm not ready to go back after 9 months after all!") and it just feels gross. What many of us are trying to tell her is that it will probably come off as gross to her company and that will treat her accordingly and that given her current stance she may want to seriously consider quitting. OP needs to ask herself what will make her feel ready? Is she OK not feeling ready and going back anyway if she takes a few more months off? I worked for a giant healthcare company previously (healthcare is notorious, ironically, for bad benefits) and I needed to be there for two years before I could get 100% STD. I saved up all my vacation and took 13 weeks with my third. I had this fortune 15 company's corporate secretary tell me that 13 weeks was a lot of time. I see nothing wrong with going against the grain, but it's preferable to say something up front if you plan to take off more time so suitable coverage can be arranged and if your company has a very generous policy it's likely that they'll frown on extensions. I say this after being in Tech with my first two and getting 22 weeks off with both babies -- it's not common to take more than the paid time you are given if it's very generous and it rubs people the wrong way.

The assumption that I didn’t plan for this is inaccurate. Sorry you think this feels gross and glad you had a good experience with your three kids. Might it be possible for someone to feel differently? This is not my first child. I agonized over planning my leave and took every available option so that I could maximize time home with my family. At great sacrifice to my finances, let me add. Every day of life is different, let alone every birthing experience - I’m not ready to leave my baby. How could I have known six months ago what I would feel like today when feelings and emotions change all the time? It’s so sad people, mothers even, can’t have empathy in these situations.

You’re now just playing victim and going against everything you’ve said previously (quote: “most of it was paid.”) And empathy? I don’t think you’re one to talk, calling anyone who sees this as an overreach names and making baseless accusations. My workplace puts a lot of emphasis on good character - if you quit it sounds like it’ll be a win win for you AND them.

Lol. Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP asked but I didn't see an answer: how much more time are we talking? 1-2 additional months, or another 6 months?

I was asking what others may have done in this situation to try to gauge an answer to this question. But instead I got baseless accusations and almost entirely unhelpful nonsense. Just so upsetting.

OP honestly there aren't many other people in your shoes who have been able- whether financially detrimental or not- to take SIX MONTHS leave.

You need to decide if you are going back at all. If you need to because of finances or because you will lose your job (see finances) then you go back. Unless your company is willing to do WAH and you get a nanny or you can go PT, these discussions are moot. The options are to go back to work or SAH. Only you can decide whether the latter is tenable.

I will suggest that you do a gradual timeline for separation from your child. I started for the first week for only 2-3 hours, the next week 4, then 6, then 8. We staggered hours so that 8 was the max time in care. It was important to me to minimize time apart and also go slowly for both of us.

[Anonymous]

How long do you want to extend your leave for?

[Anonymous]

Why are mothers so hard on eachother? Ugh. Her company had a good maternity leave program. They do that to recruit and retain people, NOT out of the kindness of their hearts. Op has given them 15 years of her life!! Maybe she took that job over a higher paying one because of the benefits she knew she might need. Or maybe she stayed for that reason. The benefits package is part of her compensation. For all we know the company might prefer to keep her via unpaid leave vs have her quit entirely based on her long tenure there and lose her institutional knowledge. To say that it is wrong to even ask is demeaning and frankly part of the reason why women typically don’t get equal pay and benefits in this country.

It’s also hypocritical. If someone goes on vacation leave that they have earned, and then they decide to quit we don’t say ‘oh how dare you abuse the vacation system now we might all lose our vacations.’ In fact, at the fed, many people use their saved vacation to quit early or get paid out for it. I’ve had male coworkers take 6 months unpaid leave to travel the world and no one accused them of cheating. They got pats on the back, and told great job negotiating that!

This company could close tomorrow or layoff 1/3 of its people as is happening to many people right now and no one would be accusing them of cheating the system, Your mental health and well being is more important than your job I guarantee.

I just had a friend struggling with insomnia and ppd who had to quit because her (female)boss was making it hard for her to access fmla and verbally threatening retribution (sudden letter of notice after previous glowing performance reviews) when told she might need fmla . I was so mad for her and wanted her to fight it but in the end she needed to just quit to get her health in order. Its so disturbing to see women do this to other women, it’s an internalized misogyny that is so corrosive. Men who go out on std but aren’t well enough to come back are not accused of cheating the system. This is a burden placed solely on being a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP asked but I didn't see an answer: how much more time are we talking? 1-2 additional months, or another 6 months?

I was asking what others may have done in this situation to try to gauge an answer to this question. But instead I got baseless accusations and almost entirely unhelpful nonsense. Just so upsetting.

I’m not sure why you’re attacking me, I was just asking a question that is relevant to what advice I would give. If you just want/need another month, I would think for a job you’ve been at 15 years, a good employer would accommodate. But if you’re looking for another 6 months or more, that puts a different level of strain on your colleagues covering for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP asked but I didn't see an answer: how much more time are we talking? 1-2 additional months, or another 6 months?

I was asking what others may have done in this situation to try to gauge an answer to this question. But instead I got baseless accusations and almost entirely unhelpful nonsense. Just so upsetting.

I’m not sure why you’re attacking me, I was just asking a question that is relevant to what advice I would give. If you just want/need another month, I would think for a job you’ve been at 15 years, a good employer would accommodate. But if you’re looking for another 6 months or more, that puts a different level of strain on your colleagues covering for you.

Wasn’t directed at you as an attack. Very sorry it came off that way. Not my intention. Thanks for the advice. I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP asked but I didn't see an answer: how much more time are we talking? 1-2 additional months, or another 6 months?

I was asking what others may have done in this situation to try to gauge an answer to this question. But instead I got baseless accusations and almost entirely unhelpful nonsense. Just so upsetting.

I’m not sure why you’re attacking me, I was just asking a question that is relevant to what advice I would give. If you just want/need another month, I would think for a job you’ve been at 15 years, a good employer would accommodate. But if you’re looking for another 6 months or more, that puts a different level of strain on your colleagues covering for you.

Wasn’t directed at you as an attack. Very sorry it came off that way. Not my intention. Thanks for the advice. I agree.

Why aren’t you answering how much longer you want for leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask. A job is a just a job. If you’re not ready to go back, you should advocate for yourself, whether that means asking for unpaid leave or quitting.

I took maternity leave with every intention of coming back at the end of it, but a combination of PPD, Covid, and difficulty finding childcare led me to quit at the end of it. The place I left was a toxic dump anyway. Do I wish things had worked out differently? Yes, partially because I don’t want to give moms on leave a bad name. But I had to prioritize my own well-being and that of my baby.

Can I ask why you think this gives moms on leave a bad name? I think I understand but want to clarify. It’s so hard that people think this.

PP. I think some people probably think this was my plan all along, to game the system and get paid for several months of not working and then quit. In reality, it was an agonizing decision that I only came to after experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to return to work. But for a lot of reasons, I think some people don’t give parents (usually moms) on leave a lot of grace or benefit of the doubt.

Ha! You knew from the get go that you planned to game the system I've known too many employees like you and burned too many times.

I will give PP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what would happen when she was due to come back from leave, but unfortunately, people like PP do ruin it for the rest of the new parents who need a little more grace in their return to office plans.

No one has ruined anything for anyone except the people posting in this forum about greed and discouraging moms from what they need after baby.

WTH literally no one has told OP to go back to work against her will. No one. She has options - she can quit her job if she doesn’t want to work which is what it sounds like. Most sane people realize employers can’t hold jobs open for moms who don’t want to work.

OP did not say she doesn’t want to work. She said she’s not ready to leave her baby. Which is totally understandable. Some of these comments are literally insane. This country will never move the needle on leave and a better life for parents/families with people like this out there. What a shame.

We absolutely need universal paid maternity leave, but this is a policy decision that probably everyone women posting on this board supports and has very little ability to move the needle on save for calling their reps and demanding change and/or speaking to their company's HR department. Most women tell their boss how much leave they plan to take before going out and then coverage is found accordingly. If OP's dept. found coverage for six months it might not be easy to re-up the coverage for an additional X months while OP takes more time. Add to that OP probably quitting in the end ("I realized I'm not ready to go back after 9 months after all!") and it just feels gross. What many of us are trying to tell her is that it will probably come off as gross to her company and that will treat her accordingly and that given her current stance she may want to seriously consider quitting. OP needs to ask herself what will make her feel ready? Is she OK not feeling ready and going back anyway if she takes a few more months off? I worked for a giant healthcare company previously (healthcare is notorious, ironically, for bad benefits) and I needed to be there for two years before I could get 100% STD. I saved up all my vacation and took 13 weeks with my third. I had this fortune 15 company's corporate secretary tell me that 13 weeks was a lot of time. I see nothing wrong with going against the grain, but it's preferable to say something up front if you plan to take off more time so suitable coverage can be arranged and if your company has a very generous policy it's likely that they'll frown on extensions. I say this after being in Tech with my first two and getting 22 weeks off with both babies -- it's not common to take more than the paid time you are given if it's very generous and it rubs people the wrong way.

The assumption that I didn’t plan for this is inaccurate. Sorry you think this feels gross and glad you had a good experience with your three kids. Might it be possible for someone to feel differently? This is not my first child. I agonized over planning my leave and took every available option so that I could maximize time home with my family. At great sacrifice to my finances, let me add. Every day of life is different, let alone every birthing experience - I’m not ready to leave my baby. How could I have known six months ago what I would feel like today when feelings and emotions change all the time? It’s so sad people, mothers even, can’t have empathy in these situations.

I don't believe this is your second child. If you had been through this before you would have a good understanding of how you would feel coming back from maternity leave and you would be able to psych yourself up and do it, like those of us who have gone back to work. I think this is your first and you have no idea what you're doing and are generally scared, all of which is fine. But speak to a therapist and figure out what your going to do instead of dragging this out with your employer and then quitting after 9 months of paid/unpaid maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP asked but I didn't see an answer: how much more time are we talking? 1-2 additional months, or another 6 months?

I was asking what others may have done in this situation to try to gauge an answer to this question. But instead I got baseless accusations and almost entirely unhelpful nonsense. Just so upsetting.

I’m not sure why you’re attacking me, I was just asking a question that is relevant to what advice I would give. If you just want/need another month, I would think for a job you’ve been at 15 years, a good employer would accommodate. But if you’re looking for another 6 months or more, that puts a different level of strain on your colleagues covering for you.

Wasn’t directed at you as an attack. Very sorry it came off that way. Not my intention. Thanks for the advice. I agree.

Why aren’t you answering how much longer you want for leave?

OP isn't sure how much time she might want or could get. That's why she asked here what other's experience has been. If people came on and said "yes I got an extra month and it was just what I needed to help my feel ready -- babies change so much in a short period" that would have been informative. If people came on and said "I asked for an extra month and my employer said absolutely not and I had to go back right away and this was my experience with that" that would also be informative.

Everyone is acting like OP is asking them, personally, for extended leave. She's not. She's asking on here for feedback on experiences so that she can be more informed as she makes this decision of whether to ask for more leave and if so how much. She's the one gathering info about the landscape. No one is entitled to info about her personal life and she doesn't have to justify her interest in more leave to ANYONE on this forum.

I wonder if the responses to this would be different if OP was taking bereavement leave after losing a spouse and came on here saying "I want to ask my employer for extra time as unpaid leave because I just don't feel ready to be back in the office -- does anyone have experience with this?" For some reason our culture acts like women recovering from childbirth or making the transition to motherhood are trying to pull one over on society and that actually that's just easy and effortless and it's normal for women to be ready to return to their jobs in a short period of time. It's so weird! We were all babies once. We all have mothers. And yet we act like the act of having children and becoming a mom is a horrible imposition on other people, a personal hobby that women use to get out of "real" societal contributions like sitting in offices and sending emails and making corporations incrementally more money.

Our priorities are so f****d.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are mothers so hard on eachother? Ugh. Her company had a good maternity leave program. They do that to recruit and retain people, NOT out of the kindness of their hearts. Op has given them 15 years of her life!! Maybe she took that job over a higher paying one because of the benefits she knew she might need. Or maybe she stayed for that reason. The benefits package is part of her compensation. For all we know the company might prefer to keep her via unpaid leave vs have her quit entirely based on her long tenure there and lose her institutional knowledge. To say that it is wrong to even ask is demeaning and frankly part of the reason why women typically don’t get equal pay and benefits in this country.

It’s also hypocritical. If someone goes on vacation leave that they have earned, and then they decide to quit we don’t say ‘oh how dare you abuse the vacation system now we might all lose our vacations.’ In fact, at the fed, many people use their saved vacation to quit early or get paid out for it. I’ve had male coworkers take 6 months unpaid leave to travel the world and no one accused them of cheating. They got pats on the back, and told great job negotiating that!

This company could close tomorrow or layoff 1/3 of its people as is happening to many people right now and no one would be accusing them of cheating the system, Your mental health and well being is more important than your job I guarantee.

I just had a friend struggling with insomnia and ppd who had to quit because her (female)boss was making it hard for her to access fmla and verbally threatening retribution (sudden letter of notice after previous glowing performance reviews) when told she might need fmla . I was so mad for her and wanted her to fight it but in the end she needed to just quit to get her health in order. Its so disturbing to see women do this to other women, it’s an internalized misogyny that is so corrosive. Men who go out on std but aren’t well enough to come back are not accused of cheating the system. This is a burden placed solely on being a woman.

When did the OP say she worked at the company for 15 years. I think this is the OP making up lies. If she's been at the company for 15 years she's likely taken maternity leave at the company before, since she also claims this is not her first child. How did your first maternity leave at the company go, OP? Did you take extra time then? Honestly, OP sounds more and more like a troll or like someone who is upset that people are telling her that she's being a jerk and needs to get her act together. Sorry, OP, this "unhelpful" advice is what everyone at your company will be thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask. A job is a just a job. If you’re not ready to go back, you should advocate for yourself, whether that means asking for unpaid leave or quitting.

I took maternity leave with every intention of coming back at the end of it, but a combination of PPD, Covid, and difficulty finding childcare led me to quit at the end of it. The place I left was a toxic dump anyway. Do I wish things had worked out differently? Yes, partially because I don’t want to give moms on leave a bad name. But I had to prioritize my own well-being and that of my baby.

Can I ask why you think this gives moms on leave a bad name? I think I understand but want to clarify. It’s so hard that people think this.

PP. I think some people probably think this was my plan all along, to game the system and get paid for several months of not working and then quit. In reality, it was an agonizing decision that I only came to after experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to return to work. But for a lot of reasons, I think some people don’t give parents (usually moms) on leave a lot of grace or benefit of the doubt.

Ha! You knew from the get go that you planned to game the system I've known too many employees like you and burned too many times.

I will give PP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what would happen when she was due to come back from leave, but unfortunately, people like PP do ruin it for the rest of the new parents who need a little more grace in their return to office plans.

No one has ruined anything for anyone except the people posting in this forum about greed and discouraging moms from what they need after baby.

WTH literally no one has told OP to go back to work against her will. No one. She has options - she can quit her job if she doesn’t want to work which is what it sounds like. Most sane people realize employers can’t hold jobs open for moms who don’t want to work.

OP did not say she doesn’t want to work. She said she’s not ready to leave her baby. Which is totally understandable. Some of these comments are literally insane. This country will never move the needle on leave and a better life for parents/families with people like this out there. What a shame.

We absolutely need universal paid maternity leave, but this is a policy decision that probably everyone women posting on this board supports and has very little ability to move the needle on save for calling their reps and demanding change and/or speaking to their company's HR department. Most women tell their boss how much leave they plan to take before going out and then coverage is found accordingly. If OP's dept. found coverage for six months it might not be easy to re-up the coverage for an additional X months while OP takes more time. Add to that OP probably quitting in the end ("I realized I'm not ready to go back after 9 months after all!") and it just feels gross. What many of us are trying to tell her is that it will probably come off as gross to her company and that will treat her accordingly and that given her current stance she may want to seriously consider quitting. OP needs to ask herself what will make her feel ready? Is she OK not feeling ready and going back anyway if she takes a few more months off? I worked for a giant healthcare company previously (healthcare is notorious, ironically, for bad benefits) and I needed to be there for two years before I could get 100% STD. I saved up all my vacation and took 13 weeks with my third. I had this fortune 15 company's corporate secretary tell me that 13 weeks was a lot of time. I see nothing wrong with going against the grain, but it's preferable to say something up front if you plan to take off more time so suitable coverage can be arranged and if your company has a very generous policy it's likely that they'll frown on extensions. I say this after being in Tech with my first two and getting 22 weeks off with both babies -- it's not common to take more than the paid time you are given if it's very generous and it rubs people the wrong way.

The assumption that I didn’t plan for this is inaccurate. Sorry you think this feels gross and glad you had a good experience with your three kids. Might it be possible for someone to feel differently? This is not my first child. I agonized over planning my leave and took every available option so that I could maximize time home with my family. At great sacrifice to my finances, let me add. Every day of life is different, let alone every birthing experience - I’m not ready to leave my baby. How could I have known six months ago what I would feel like today when feelings and emotions change all the time? It’s so sad people, mothers even, can’t have empathy in these situations.

I don't believe this is your second child. If you had been through this before you would have a good understanding of how you would feel coming back from maternity leave and you would be able to psych yourself up and do it, like those of us who have gone back to work. I think this is your first and you have no idea what you're doing and are generally scared, all of which is fine. But speak to a therapist and figure out what your going to do instead of dragging this out with your employer and then quitting after 9 months of paid/unpaid maternity leave.

Not OP but I will be more likely to want more leave with my 2nd, should we have a 2nd, then with my 1st. We were totally unprepared for our 1st. I had PPA. No maternity leave. No paternity leave. Etc.
I could see myself doing 6 months and then wanting more because I just wasnt ready. Especially if its your last baby. Especially if you got 6 months to actually ENJOY your child. You realize after your first how fast it goes and how much time you spend away. She may also have a different personality baby. Maybe this one is higher needs.

Give a little grace. At the end it does boil down to stay home or working. Those are the options. There is some wiggle room potentially with PT work or WAH ( so no commute) but it is effectively either/or and that is frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP asked but I didn't see an answer: how much more time are we talking? 1-2 additional months, or another 6 months?

I was asking what others may have done in this situation to try to gauge an answer to this question. But instead I got baseless accusations and almost entirely unhelpful nonsense. Just so upsetting.

I’m not sure why you’re attacking me, I was just asking a question that is relevant to what advice I would give. If you just want/need another month, I would think for a job you’ve been at 15 years, a good employer would accommodate. But if you’re looking for another 6 months or more, that puts a different level of strain on your colleagues covering for you.

Wasn’t directed at you as an attack. Very sorry it came off that way. Not my intention. Thanks for the advice. I agree.

Why aren’t you answering how much longer you want for leave?

OP isn't sure how much time she might want or could get. That's why she asked here what other's experience has been. If people came on and said "yes I got an extra month and it was just what I needed to help my feel ready -- babies change so much in a short period" that would have been informative. If people came on and said "I asked for an extra month and my employer said absolutely not and I had to go back right away and this was my experience with that" that would also be informative.

Everyone is acting like OP is asking them, personally, for extended leave. She's not. She's asking on here for feedback on experiences so that she can be more informed as she makes this decision of whether to ask for more leave and if so how much. She's the one gathering info about the landscape. No one is entitled to info about her personal life and she doesn't have to justify her interest in more leave to ANYONE on this forum.

I wonder if the responses to this would be different if OP was taking bereavement leave after losing a spouse and came on here saying "I want to ask my employer for extra time as unpaid leave because I just don't feel ready to be back in the office -- does anyone have experience with this?" For some reason our culture acts like women recovering from childbirth or making the transition to motherhood are trying to pull one over on society and that actually that's just easy and effortless and it's normal for women to be ready to return to their jobs in a short period of time. It's so weird! We were all babies once. We all have mothers. And yet we act like the act of having children and becoming a mom is a horrible imposition on other people, a personal hobby that women use to get out of "real" societal contributions like sitting in offices and sending emails and making corporations incrementally more money.

Our priorities are so f****d.

Oh, OP! It's actually really uncommon to take 6 months of leave and at the end of the leave to ask for more time. You're not getting a lot of "helpful" responses because your situation is uncommon. When people are in the place that you are in, OP, they quit or they go back to work. It's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth.