Stay-at-home moms in Asian culture?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

It’s not an awful painful necessity like the other poster makes it out to be. It’s also not common, most Chinese immigrants keep their kids with them. Trust me, there aren’t numbers of Chinese babies being sent back to China by crying mothers.

If two parents are trying to forge ahead in their careers and build wealth they send their kids back. I know at least two to three families that did that.

I'm sure you do know these people, but also, people just send their kids to day care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Indian-American parents would likely have been concerned if I became a SAHM for any length of time, but they were thrilled my brother’s wife (also Indian-American) was a SAHM before the kids were in mid-elementary school years. My mom was a SAHM while we were young, then went back to work (which she was eager to do).

I had no desire to be a SAHM, but I am “amused” by the hypocrisy of it…

And of the various Asian-American women I know (from those who immigrated here, to those whose families have been here for several generations), I can only think of a handful of SAHM. But that might be selection bias, since most of these women I know thru my school or work, and most of the SAHMs I know are from my children’s activities/schools, spouses of my co-workers, and friends/wives of friends of my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

I have no clue. I am not a Chinese immigrant. But some choose to send their very young children back to China for their grandparents to watch than hire Nannies or childcare. Obviously these are the ones trying to build wealth rather than already wealthy ones. Even if they find it preferable to the American system of daycare or busting your wallet for a nanny, being separated from your parents as a baby is not ideal. Asides from parents sending their children back, I also know cases of older spouses being separated from each other for years and they don’t seem to bat an eyelid. So yes I can see why sending a child to grandparents would be a painful experience.

So this is actually not common among the well educated “white collar” Chinese immigrants for the most part that come from middle class college educated Chinese families. It tends to be poorer people from poor provinces like Fujian who come here for lower paid work like restaurant jobs. Sometimes it is someone who is educated but if you dig deeper they probably came from
A poor family and are sending money home.

In that sense, it is like any other poor family. You will see poor white and black kids being raised by relatives too because the parents can’t afford childcare. It is more a poverty thing than a cultural thing.

It is sort of racist to say these people don’t bat an eye at leaving loved ones or giving up their kids like it’s a cultural thing. It’s poverty, plain and simple.

The families I know who did this were white collar professionals. But not from wealth. More of they just became professional and are the midst of earning money and building wealth.

They likely are not sharing their detailed backgrounds with you but chances are they are from very poor backgrounds (often rural provinces with few opportunities nearby) and sending money home. This is not “wealth building” like middle class people trying to buy a house in Arlington or convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So basically at the end of the day the rich get to stay at home and idle and the poor work. What’s new? Doesn’t seem to just be an Asian thing to me.

it's not.

But in countries where there aren't good daycare choices, maternity leave, support for families, it's harder for women to work and take care of kids. The men don't do any childcare, so it's up to the women to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how’s there is already an article on this from the Atlantic.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/10/satellite-babies-years-china-east-asia/599596/

this is pretty common for a lot of cultures, not just Asian cultures. Also, this article is about low income people -- restaurant workers, for example -- not white collar workers.

My cousin was left with the grandparents in the Asian country while the parents came to the US to work. A few years later, they brought their child to the US but, much like the article, they had a huge issue trying to connect to the parents. They were much closer to the grandparents even into adulthood.

it's a sad situation but one that low income families face across the world.

Poor Americans too. Not unusual to be sent to live with grandparents and relatives because the parent(s) have to work low paid jobs with bad or unpredictable hours (overnight childcare is expensive and impossible to find)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So basically at the end of the day the rich get to stay at home and idle and the poor work. What’s new? Doesn’t seem to just be an Asian thing to me.

it's not.

But in countries where there aren't good daycare choices, maternity leave, support for families, it's harder for women to work and take care of kids. The men don't do any childcare, so it's up to the women to figure it out.

Well in that case I can tell you why Asian women still go to work. In many of these Asian countries asides from grandparents support they have access to cheap live in belp. My best friend have two live in help and grandparent support, allowing her to still go to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

I have no clue. I am not a Chinese immigrant. But some choose to send their very young children back to China for their grandparents to watch than hire Nannies or childcare. Obviously these are the ones trying to build wealth rather than already wealthy ones. Even if they find it preferable to the American system of daycare or busting your wallet for a nanny, being separated from your parents as a baby is not ideal. Asides from parents sending their children back, I also know cases of older spouses being separated from each other for years and they don’t seem to bat an eyelid. So yes I can see why sending a child to grandparents would be a painful experience.

So this is actually not common among the well educated “white collar” Chinese immigrants for the most part that come from middle class college educated Chinese families. It tends to be poorer people from poor provinces like Fujian who come here for lower paid work like restaurant jobs. Sometimes it is someone who is educated but if you dig deeper they probably came from
A poor family and are sending money home.

In that sense, it is like any other poor family. You will see poor white and black kids being raised by relatives too because the parents can’t afford childcare. It is more a poverty thing than a cultural thing.

It is sort of racist to say these people don’t bat an eye at leaving loved ones or giving up their kids like it’s a cultural thing. It’s poverty, plain and simple.

DP here. The people I knew who did this were Indian and Chinese doctors. They were in residency. I didn’t really know them well at all. My husband was also a resident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

I have no clue. I am not a Chinese immigrant. But some choose to send their very young children back to China for their grandparents to watch than hire Nannies or childcare. Obviously these are the ones trying to build wealth rather than already wealthy ones. Even if they find it preferable to the American system of daycare or busting your wallet for a nanny, being separated from your parents as a baby is not ideal. Asides from parents sending their children back, I also know cases of older spouses being separated from each other for years and they don’t seem to bat an eyelid. So yes I can see why sending a child to grandparents would be a painful experience.

So this is actually not common among the well educated “white collar” Chinese immigrants for the most part that come from middle class college educated Chinese families. It tends to be poorer people from poor provinces like Fujian who come here for lower paid work like restaurant jobs. Sometimes it is someone who is educated but if you dig deeper they probably came from
A poor family and are sending money home.

In that sense, it is like any other poor family. You will see poor white and black kids being raised by relatives too because the parents can’t afford childcare. It is more a poverty thing than a cultural thing.

It is sort of racist to say these people don’t bat an eye at leaving loved ones or giving up their kids like it’s a cultural thing. It’s poverty, plain and simple.

DP here. The people I knew who did this were Indian and Chinese doctors. They were in residency. I didn’t really know them well at all. My husband was also a resident.

They are likely from poor families and sending money home. They probably can’t afford care for the odd hours they need on what is left of their resident salary.

But this is likely their best option because in China medicine is not super prestigious like it is here plus it is not well paid. The meager salary for a young doctor there is still tiny compared to a U.S. resident salary. Doctors quitting in China because of poor pay is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

Ding Ding! I think his answer is relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

I have no clue. I am not a Chinese immigrant. But some choose to send their very young children back to China for their grandparents to watch than hire Nannies or childcare. Obviously these are the ones trying to build wealth rather than already wealthy ones. Even if they find it preferable to the American system of daycare or busting your wallet for a nanny, being separated from your parents as a baby is not ideal. Asides from parents sending their children back, I also know cases of older spouses being separated from each other for years and they don’t seem to bat an eyelid. So yes I can see why sending a child to grandparents would be a painful experience.

So this is actually not common among the well educated “white collar” Chinese immigrants for the most part that come from middle class college educated Chinese families. It tends to be poorer people from poor provinces like Fujian who come here for lower paid work like restaurant jobs. Sometimes it is someone who is educated but if you dig deeper they probably came from
A poor family and are sending money home.

In that sense, it is like any other poor family. You will see poor white and black kids being raised by relatives too because the parents can’t afford childcare. It is more a poverty thing than a cultural thing.

It is sort of racist to say these people don’t bat an eye at leaving loved ones or giving up their kids like it’s a cultural thing. It’s poverty, plain and simple.

DP here. The people I knew who did this were Indian and Chinese doctors. They were in residency. I didn’t really know them well at all. My husband was also a resident.

They are likely from poor families and sending money home. They probably can’t afford care for the odd hours they need on what is left of their resident salary.

But this is likely their best option because in China medicine is not super prestigious like it is here plus it is not well paid. The meager salary for a young doctor there is still tiny compared to a U.S. resident salary. Doctors quitting in China because of poor pay is a problem.

Why do you think all these people are poor?

I have mostly been around rich Chinese and Indians. I have always the ones who come here are often the smartest. Many of these educated immigrants have kids who excel in America. DH is one of those kids.

[Anonymous]

Every family is different. I am an Asian American SAHM. I have two sons and one daughter. One day if my sons marry and have children, I would respect their family decision on who watches their children. If the DIL was smart and kind, I’m sure I would be delighted for her to stay home and raise my grandchildren. If I didn’t particularly like my DIL and thought she was a gold digger or lazy, I probably wouldn’t like her no matter if she worked or stayed home.

[Anonymous]

Chinese and Indians don’t stay home but the poorer Asian groups are much more likely to (Southeast Asians etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Chinese and Indians don’t stay home but the poorer Asian groups are much more likely to (Southeast Asians etc)

I live in an affluent neighborhood and there are plenty of rich Indian SAHMs.

There are also those obnoxious overly proud Indians who constantly talk about work. They are pretty annoying. No one cares.