Stay-at-home moms in Asian culture?

[Anonymous]

In my family’s case, the decision to SAH has more to do with religion (very Christian) than the fact they’re Asian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family’s case, the decision to SAH has more to do with religion (very Christian) than the fact they’re Asian.

(I suspect this is no different than for other races.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

It’s not an awful painful necessity like the other poster makes it out to be. It’s also not common, most Chinese immigrants keep their kids with them. Trust me, there aren’t numbers of Chinese babies being sent back to China by crying mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

I have no clue. I am not a Chinese immigrant. But some choose to send their very young children back to China for their grandparents to watch than hire Nannies or childcare. Obviously these are the ones trying to build wealth rather than already wealthy ones. Even if they find it preferable to the American system of daycare or busting your wallet for a nanny, being separated from your parents as a baby is not ideal. Asides from parents sending their children back, I also know cases of older spouses being separated from each other for years and they don’t seem to bat an eyelid. So yes I can see why sending a child to grandparents would be a painful experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

It’s not an awful painful necessity like the other poster makes it out to be. It’s also not common, most Chinese immigrants keep their kids with them. Trust me, there aren’t numbers of Chinese babies being sent back to China by crying mothers.

If two parents are trying to forge ahead in their careers and build wealth they send their kids back. I know at least two to three families that did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

I have no clue. I am not a Chinese immigrant. But some choose to send their very young children back to China for their grandparents to watch than hire Nannies or childcare. Obviously these are the ones trying to build wealth rather than already wealthy ones. Even if they find it preferable to the American system of daycare or busting your wallet for a nanny, being separated from your parents as a baby is not ideal. Asides from parents sending their children back, I also know cases of older spouses being separated from each other for years and they don’t seem to bat an eyelid. So yes I can see why sending a child to grandparents would be a painful experience.

So this is actually not common among the well educated “white collar” Chinese immigrants for the most part that come from middle class college educated Chinese families. It tends to be poorer people from poor provinces like Fujian who come here for lower paid work like restaurant jobs. Sometimes it is someone who is educated but if you dig deeper they probably came from
A poor family and are sending money home.

In that sense, it is like any other poor family. You will see poor white and black kids being raised by relatives too because the parents can’t afford childcare. It is more a poverty thing than a cultural thing.

It is sort of racist to say these people don’t bat an eye at leaving loved ones or giving up their kids like it’s a cultural thing. It’s poverty, plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood.

They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

It’s not an awful painful necessity like the other poster makes it out to be. It’s also not common, most Chinese immigrants keep their kids with them. Trust me, there aren’t numbers of Chinese babies being sent back to China by crying mothers.

I have seen this done, not common. I think it is done to save money and for convenience, extreme version of living at home after graduation to save for down payment…

[Anonymous]

I love how’s there is already an article on this from the Atlantic.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/10/satellite-babies-years-china-east-asia/599596/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In some families it’s expected that the moms will work and the grandparents will take care of the kids. Maybe that’s how those grandparents expected things to go and are mad they don’t get to be with the grandkids?

This may be what is happening. Less about sahm/no sahm than about the grandparents (the grandma often) and their role.

My grandma (from Taiwan) watched her grandkids. My aunt watches her grandkids. My aunt is part of a whole *community* in her city of UMC educated women who watch their grandkids. They do Chinese new year stuff together with the grandkids on the weekdays, take them to enrichment activities together, go for stroller walks together etc. Beung a part of this community is a really big deal to my aunt.

I have a good friend who is Taiwanese. He parents left her with the grandparents while her parents worked. The dad was a doctor and mom was a nurse. The parents would come get her on weekends. My friend is very resentful of this.

I also have other Asian friends who either lived apart or were frequently dropped off at grandparents and it seems like a painful memory from their childhood. They also have an extra hard time when grandparents pass because they were the primary.

Painful? It doesn’t have to be, it can be beautiful and nurturing. My grandmas played a big role in raising me and it was not painful at all. One is still alive and healthy and I’m in my 40s. But even if she passed earlier, that’s no reason not to form a bond and not to be grateful for the time you had. I also have a good relationship with my parents.

I guess depends on the situation. I know a few Chinese immigrants in the US that once the baby was born sent the baby back to China for the grandparents to watch out of necessity while both parents continued working their white collar jobs. It’s out of necessity that families are separated like that and that’s a painful experience.

Why would it be a necessity? Other families with two white collar jobs manage to keep their children with them. Why wouldn't Chinese immigrants be able to do so if they chose to?

I have no clue. I am not a Chinese immigrant. But some choose to send their very young children back to China for their grandparents to watch than hire Nannies or childcare. Obviously these are the ones trying to build wealth rather than already wealthy ones. Even if they find it preferable to the American system of daycare or busting your wallet for a nanny, being separated from your parents as a baby is not ideal. Asides from parents sending their children back, I also know cases of older spouses being separated from each other for years and they don’t seem to bat an eyelid. So yes I can see why sending a child to grandparents would be a painful experience.

So this is actually not common among the well educated “white collar” Chinese immigrants for the most part that come from middle class college educated Chinese families. It tends to be poorer people from poor provinces like Fujian who come here for lower paid work like restaurant jobs. Sometimes it is someone who is educated but if you dig deeper they probably came from
A poor family and are sending money home.

In that sense, it is like any other poor family. You will see poor white and black kids being raised by relatives too because the parents can’t afford childcare. It is more a poverty thing than a cultural thing.

It is sort of racist to say these people don’t bat an eye at leaving loved ones or giving up their kids like it’s a cultural thing. It’s poverty, plain and simple.

The families I know who did this were white collar professionals. But not from wealth. More of they just became professional and are the midst of earning money and building wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how’s there is already an article on this from the Atlantic.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/10/satellite-babies-years-china-east-asia/599596/

I’m the pp who talked about poverty and it’s worth mentioning that the example is someone from a poor province whose parents worked in a restaurant in New York City. Restaurabt hours and pay in New York City means that likely the only childcare option was sending the child to China. It’s not about convenience or saving for luxuries, it’s the only survival option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how’s there is already an article on this from the Atlantic.

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/10/satellite-babies-years-china-east-asia/599596/

this is pretty common for a lot of cultures, not just Asian cultures. Also, this article is about low income people -- restaurant workers, for example -- not white collar workers.

My cousin was left with the grandparents in the Asian country while the parents came to the US to work. A few years later, they brought their child to the US but, much like the article, they had a huge issue trying to connect to the parents. They were much closer to the grandparents even into adulthood.

it's a sad situation but one that low income families face across the world.

[Anonymous]

So basically at the end of the day the rich get to stay at home and idle and the poor work. What’s new? Doesn’t seem to just be an Asian thing to me.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care, OP?

[Anonymous]

My Indian-American parents would likely have been concerned if I became a SAHM for any length of time, but they were thrilled my brother’s wife (also Indian-American) was a SAHM before the kids were in mid-elementary school years. My mom was a SAHM while we were young, then went back to work (which she was eager to do).

I had no desire to be a SAHM, but I am “amused” by the hypocrisy of it…