I never want to plan to see my SIL again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

Not HER a house - her parents house! Which is right next to her brother’s house. Sorry yes, I have zero interest spending my limited time off visiting her family!

And I already clarified the cut people off comment - I haven’t cut off people with whom I’ve built a relationship, I was more making the point that I avoid people with qualities and traits I don’t like. I have a handful of fear lifelong friends who I cherish.

DP. So yes, you have cut off multiple people before.

Too much drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

agreed, sound like she only wants to visit SIL on *HER* terms ... you are not being understanding or flexible. Your responses are always dripping with condescension towards your SIL ... I have a feeling that the competition you are feeling with her is internal to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

Not HER a house - her parents house! Which is right next to her brother’s house. Sorry yes, I have zero interest spending my limited time off visiting her family!

And I already clarified the cut people off comment - I haven’t cut off people with whom I’ve built a relationship, I was more making the point that I avoid people with qualities and traits I don’t like. I have a handful of fear lifelong friends who I cherish.

DP. So yes, you have cut off multiple people before.

Too much drama.

I’m drama because when I meet someone who IS drama (competing, petty behavior and comments) I avoid them? Alrighty then!

[Anonymous]

Stop harboring so much resentment. Just live your life, OP, and hopefully in time you and your SIL will get more comfortable with whatever small relationship you have. There is no need to write anyone off. Just don't push for more than she can give, that's all.

I'm sure my SIL hated me for the first decade. She worked like crazy and had 4 kids already, and I was very young and starting grad school. We were not on the same planet. I probably seemed quite silly to her. Now I'm a stay at home mother and don't work, she probably looks down on that too. Every time my husband and I get together with my in-laws, she has an excuse to not be there.

And it's all fine. She's an intelligent, hard-working person, my SIL. She's raised 4 great kids. I give her all the respect she deserves. If she doesn't like me, well, that's how it is. No hard feelings on my side!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

agreed, sound like she only wants to visit SIL on *HER* terms ... you are not being understanding or flexible. Your responses are always dripping with condescension towards your SIL ... I have a feeling that the competition you are feeling with her is internal to you.

So you’d travel 2000 miles to see your MIL and then drive another 2 hours to visit your SIL at her parents house so that she doesn’t have to visit MIL? Sure you would.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like SIL is trying to avoid seeing your family as well when she comes to town, so maybe the feeling is mutual. She gets to pretend that she tried, and you are being difficult/too busy/not prioritizing family. Don't worry about how she might be framing it to your MIL. Have the relationship with your MIL that you want to have. If she inserts herself into the plans and suggests a visit with SIL that doesn't work for you, just say you are unavailable and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

agreed, sound like she only wants to visit SIL on *HER* terms ... you are not being understanding or flexible. Your responses are always dripping with condescension towards your SIL ... I have a feeling that the competition you are feeling with her is internal to you.

So you’d travel 2000 miles to see your MIL and then drive another 2 hours to visit your SIL at her parents house so that she doesn’t have to visit MIL? Sure you would.

DP. I’d alternate years, sure. Sounds like OP is completely inflexible and thinks that because she got herself out to the ILs, her SIL is duty-bound to always visit her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like SIL is trying to avoid seeing your family as well when she comes to town, so maybe the feeling is mutual. She gets to pretend that she tried, and you are being difficult/too busy/not prioritizing family. Don't worry about how she might be framing it to your MIL. Have the relationship with your MIL that you want to have. If she inserts herself into the plans and suggests a visit with SIL that doesn't work for you, just say you are unavailable and move on.

And maybe ask yourself why SIL doesn’t want to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

agreed, sound like she only wants to visit SIL on *HER* terms ... you are not being understanding or flexible. Your responses are always dripping with condescension towards your SIL ... I have a feeling that the competition you are feeling with her is internal to you.

So you’d travel 2000 miles to see your MIL and then drive another 2 hours to visit your SIL at her parents house so that she doesn’t have to visit MIL? Sure you would.

DP. I’d alternate years, sure. Sounds like OP is completely inflexible and thinks that because she got herself out to the ILs, her SIL is duty-bound to always visit her.

I am very sure you would not drop your plans to visit SIL’s family 2 hours away on her whim after unsuccessfully trying to coordinate with her the months prior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

agreed, sound like she only wants to visit SIL on *HER* terms ... you are not being understanding or flexible. Your responses are always dripping with condescension towards your SIL ... I have a feeling that the competition you are feeling with her is internal to you.

So you’d travel 2000 miles to see your MIL and then drive another 2 hours to visit your SIL at her parents house so that she doesn’t have to visit MIL? Sure you would.

DP. I’d alternate years, sure. Sounds like OP is completely inflexible and thinks that because she got herself out to the ILs, her SIL is duty-bound to always visit her.

I am very sure you would not drop your plans to visit SIL’s family 2 hours away on her whim after unsuccessfully trying to coordinate with her the months prior.

You don’t know me. If SIL had a good reason for not being able to coordinate in advance (and I can think of lots of good reasons), then of course I would. I might even do it without a good reason, so the cousins could get together. Not everyone is as inflexible and bitter as you.

The bigger question is why SIL wants nothing to do with OP. OP is here seeking validation but there’s clearly more to the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

agreed, sound like she only wants to visit SIL on *HER* terms ... you are not being understanding or flexible. Your responses are always dripping with condescension towards your SIL ... I have a feeling that the competition you are feeling with her is internal to you.

So you’d travel 2000 miles to see your MIL and then drive another 2 hours to visit your SIL at her parents house so that she doesn’t have to visit MIL? Sure you would.

DP. I’d alternate years, sure. Sounds like OP is completely inflexible and thinks that because she got herself out to the ILs, her SIL is duty-bound to always visit her.

I am very sure you would not drop your plans to visit SIL’s family 2 hours away on her whim after unsuccessfully trying to coordinate with her the months prior.

Why is it SILs family and not husband's brother's family? Why are you half assed trying to coordinate any of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they don't want to see you anyway. Honestly, I understand why. If it makes you feel better to call it 'cutting them off' then do so. Either way, it is about time you take the hint and leave them alone.

Lol ok so why does SIL get pissy when we turn down her super last minute invitations to visit her together with her family? She apparently only feels comfortable in environments where she is resident princess.

Can you construct a single sentence without using the word "super"? Go read about this. You sound uneducated and I assume you are a 12 year old who is trolling us. It's the same as inserting the word "like" everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they don't want to see you anyway. Honestly, I understand why. If it makes you feel better to call it 'cutting them off' then do so. Either way, it is about time you take the hint and leave them alone.

Lol ok so why does SIL get pissy when we turn down her super last minute invitations to visit her together with her family? She apparently only feels comfortable in environments where she is resident princess.

Can you construct a single sentence without using the word "super"? Go read about this. You sound uneducated and I assume you are a 12 year old who is trolling us. It's the same as inserting the word "like" everywhere.

You are super hilarious for personally attacking a stranger online. It’s sad actually. I clearly super triggered you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post a couple of times, and with much older children, this is my advice:
—No, children who grow up 1000 miles from one another will not have a close relationship regardless of how many times you try to get them together. They will know that they are cousins but, but distance alone rules out a real friendship. At some point (probably early teenage years), they will basically act like strangers even if they have been meeting once a year.
—It sounds like you have been trying to reach out to SIL to coordinate visits to DH’s mom, and she has been uncooperative. If this is true, stop. Her uncooperativeness means that she doesn’t really want to get together, regardless of how effusive her emails sound. She may also be getting instructions from her own husband, who as you said doesn’t get along with your husband.

Thank you for your reply. My DD and a prospective cousin relationship is literally the only thing that causes me to dwell on this.

Regarding coordinating, yes, she is uncooperative because I try to coordinate a couple of months in advance because I have to for work. She is a very last minute planner. Her family lives nearish to MIL (about 2 hours away), and our families tend to visit the region over the summer and holidays, but she stays very little time if any at MILs in favor of her own family. She tries to drag MIL down to see her family instead of giving her a visit, and if we happen to be visiting MIL during this time, she tried to get us all to come to her family, which I have zero interest in doing, ESPECIALLY a last minute when we’ve already made other arrangements/plans. She then pouts.

Anyway, I am going to take the good advice offered by a few people here and just go about my life. I wish DD had more cousin relationships, but I’m seeing that this one wasn’t likely going to amount to much anyway because of the physical distance and cordial but frosty relationship between DH and BIL.

OP, some of the problem is clearly you. You refuse to ever visit her house and insist she come up and visit you at MIL’s?

Also you’ve cut off other people in your life?

agreed, sound like she only wants to visit SIL on *HER* terms ... you are not being understanding or flexible. Your responses are always dripping with condescension towards your SIL ... I have a feeling that the competition you are feeling with her is internal to you.

So you’d travel 2000 miles to see your MIL and then drive another 2 hours to visit your SIL at her parents house so that she doesn’t have to visit MIL? Sure you would.

DP. I’d alternate years, sure. Sounds like OP is completely inflexible and thinks that because she got herself out to the ILs, her SIL is duty-bound to always visit her.

I am very sure you would not drop your plans to visit SIL’s family 2 hours away on her whim after unsuccessfully trying to coordinate with her the months prior.

You don’t know me. If SIL had a good reason for not being able to coordinate in advance (and I can think of lots of good reasons), then of course I would. I might even do it without a good reason, so the cousins could get together. Not everyone is as inflexible and bitter as you.

The bigger question is why SIL wants nothing to do with OP. OP is here seeking validation but there’s clearly more to the story.

Is that really the bigger question lol? I recall I created this thread, and I could not care less whether SIL wants to see me. I was looking to understand if I am shortchanging my DD by ignoring SILs existence, and DCUM thinks I’m really not, which I tend to agree with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can she be so exhausting from 1000 miles away? Surely there are easier and less dramatic ways of handling this.

This actually doesn't sound very dramatic - OP is just saying she won't make plans with them. I guess the question is if/when SIL reaches out to coordinate, do you refuse to engage or explain that you aren't seeing them anymore? That might be dramatic. But you could also just pretend to be busy when they want to see you.