I never want to plan to see my SIL again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL constantly tries to one-up me, and it is exhausting. I am not in competition with her or anyone else. I cut "friends" off if/when they start behaving this way, and I am wondering if I can get away with it with SIL as well.

We live 1000 miles apart. DH and I have a 2 year old and SIL and BIL (DH's brother) have a 1 year old. The cousins have never met because SIL is impossible to coordinate with. She doesn't work and I do. No I am not resentful about that - I love my job, but the fact remains that I have to plan my time off and I cherish/protect it for obvious reasons. I cannot just rearrange my plans last minute to accommodate SIL's whims, which offends her deeply.

DH and BIL don't really get along. A lot of it has to do with very different value systems between them that are perfectly exemplified by BIL's choice of wife. I used to be upset about this and try to encourage a better relationship, but I am now at the point where I give up.

As I think about 2023 and how I will spend money and time, I don't want to factor them in at all and frankly neither does DH. We want to take a "see them if we see them" attitude - in other words, we'll coordinate with DH's mother (FIL is deceased) only, and if we happen to overlap with BIL and SIL fine, if not, fine.

Yes, this means that the cousins won't really have a relationship, but they live 1000 miles apart anyway so how realistic was it that they were ever going to have a meaningful relationship anyway?
Am I being short sighted? Can I just write SIL off and move on with my life?

I also have an exhausting SIL and a husband who is not particularly close to her (his sister)
They live several states away and have a child 2 yrs younger than mine. My child's only cousin.
A shame that they likely will not be close, but that's life.
I declined a trip to visit and instead encouraged my DH and our child to go. I stayed home to rest and catch up on things. It was glorious.
It is not my responsibility to manage any adult relationships- especially that of my husband and his sibling.
If she is in town or we are in the same town, I will see her and be polite. However, that hardly ever happens, as she asks people to travel to her and has never traveled to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this who lives over 1000 miles away. Eventually I confronted her about the competitiveness. She fake apologized and said she was super hurt that I felt that way. Things have only gotten worse. My other siblings try to smooth it over. We still have a relationship but by no means a close one.

I have a lot of sympathy for you.

Can you and/or OP detail how someone is competitive when they're 1,000 miles away? Especially with kids so young. Do you mean like moving into a nicer house, better cars, husband's (HHI) income, things like that? How are those expressed? Via passive aggressive facebook posts? 1,000 miles away is far enough to not really interact with people much.

[Anonymous]

So neither you nor your husband enjoy spending time with your SIL or BIL who live 1000 miles away. They make no effort to visit or vacation with you. If you’re in DC, I’m guessing this means somewhere in Texas, Minnesota or the fly over states…ie not places anyone would vacation for fun.

I don’t see what the problem is here. Just drop trying to plan anything or trying to invite them on vacation. Just send Christmas and birthday cards and call on holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this who lives over 1000 miles away. Eventually I confronted her about the competitiveness. She fake apologized and said she was super hurt that I felt that way. Things have only gotten worse. My other siblings try to smooth it over. We still have a relationship but by no means a close one.

I have a lot of sympathy for you.

Can you and/or OP detail how someone is competitive when they're 1,000 miles away? Especially with kids so young. Do you mean like moving into a nicer house, better cars, husband's (HHI) income, things like that? How are those expressed? Via passive aggressive facebook posts? 1,000 miles away is far enough to not really interact with people much.

I have BIL who is competitive, and yes, it's those things. Who has the most disposable income, who has the nicer house, whose kids are better behaved. It's just a lot of back handed comments, and bragging about expensive purchases. We rarely see them in person, because they live 500 miles away, so it's usually over the phone, and when we do see him he's a drama llama to the max. DH and his brother mutually decided that it would be better if our families don't spend time together. It was really hard for DH because he was really close to his brother growing up, and it's impacted his relationship with his father who doesn't want to look like he's chosen sides by spending more time with one family over the other. That's why I'd advise against formally cutting them off. It could strain DHs relationship with his parents. Just keep on deflecting invites that don't work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this who lives over 1000 miles away. Eventually I confronted her about the competitiveness. She fake apologized and said she was super hurt that I felt that way. Things have only gotten worse. My other siblings try to smooth it over. We still have a relationship but by no means a close one.

I have a lot of sympathy for you.

Can you and/or OP detail how someone is competitive when they're 1,000 miles away? Especially with kids so young. Do you mean like moving into a nicer house, better cars, husband's (HHI) income, things like that? How are those expressed? Via passive aggressive facebook posts? 1,000 miles away is far enough to not really interact with people much.

I have BIL who is competitive, and yes, it's those things. Who has the most disposable income, who has the nicer house, whose kids are better behaved. It's just a lot of back handed comments, and bragging about expensive purchases. We rarely see them in person, because they live 500 miles away, so it's usually over the phone, and when we do see him he's a drama llama to the max. DH and his brother mutually decided that it would be better if our families don't spend time together. It was really hard for DH because he was really close to his brother growing up, and it's impacted his relationship with his father who doesn't want to look like he's chosen sides by spending more time with one family over the other. That's why I'd advise against formally cutting them off. It could strain DHs relationship with his parents. Just keep on deflecting invites that don't work for you.

OP feels one upped by her poor white trash SIL who lives in a small apartment though. Maybe OP doesn't understand what being one upped even means. Or OP is full of it and is much more like her SIL than she cares to admit. Because OP hasn't mentioned any of the things you described as competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this who lives over 1000 miles away. Eventually I confronted her about the competitiveness. She fake apologized and said she was super hurt that I felt that way. Things have only gotten worse. My other siblings try to smooth it over. We still have a relationship but by no means a close one.

I have a lot of sympathy for you.

Can you and/or OP detail how someone is competitive when they're 1,000 miles away? Especially with kids so young. Do you mean like moving into a nicer house, better cars, husband's (HHI) income, things like that? How are those expressed? Via passive aggressive facebook posts? 1,000 miles away is far enough to not really interact with people much.

I have BIL who is competitive, and yes, it's those things. Who has the most disposable income, who has the nicer house, whose kids are better behaved. It's just a lot of back handed comments, and bragging about expensive purchases. We rarely see them in person, because they live 500 miles away, so it's usually over the phone, and when we do see him he's a drama llama to the max. DH and his brother mutually decided that it would be better if our families don't spend time together. It was really hard for DH because he was really close to his brother growing up, and it's impacted his relationship with his father who doesn't want to look like he's chosen sides by spending more time with one family over the other. That's why I'd advise against formally cutting them off. It could strain DHs relationship with his parents. Just keep on deflecting invites that don't work for you.

OP feels one upped by her poor white trash SIL who lives in a small apartment though. Maybe OP doesn't understand what being one upped even means. Or OP is full of it and is much more like her SIL than she cares to admit. Because OP hasn't mentioned any of the things you described as competition.

Op is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister like this who lives over 1000 miles away. Eventually I confronted her about the competitiveness. She fake apologized and said she was super hurt that I felt that way. Things have only gotten worse. My other siblings try to smooth it over. We still have a relationship but by no means a close one.

I have a lot of sympathy for you.

Can you and/or OP detail how someone is competitive when they're 1,000 miles away? Especially with kids so young. Do you mean like moving into a nicer house, better cars, husband's (HHI) income, things like that? How are those expressed? Via passive aggressive facebook posts? 1,000 miles away is far enough to not really interact with people much.

I have BIL who is competitive, and yes, it's those things. Who has the most disposable income, who has the nicer house, whose kids are better behaved. It's just a lot of back handed comments, and bragging about expensive purchases. We rarely see them in person, because they live 500 miles away, so it's usually over the phone, and when we do see him he's a drama llama to the max. DH and his brother mutually decided that it would be better if our families don't spend time together. It was really hard for DH because he was really close to his brother growing up, and it's impacted his relationship with his father who doesn't want to look like he's chosen sides by spending more time with one family over the other. That's why I'd advise against formally cutting them off. It could strain DHs relationship with his parents. Just keep on deflecting invites that don't work for you.

OP feels one upped by her poor white trash SIL who lives in a small apartment though. Maybe OP doesn't understand what being one upped even means. Or OP is full of it and is much more like her SIL than she cares to admit. Because OP hasn't mentioned any of the things you described as competition.

Op is a troll.

+1

The SIL doesn't even exist and I like her better than OP.